Genre: Comedy
Channel:ITV
Transmission:01/06/1974 - 20/07/1974

Today's blog is written by that absolute swine of a writer called Mark Cunliffe who is the proud host of the So It Goes...blog


Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais are rightly regarded as sitcom greats. The Likely Lads and its sequel Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads, Porridge and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, their names are a byword for comic perfection. However, their 1974 sitcom Thick as Thieves is not a title you’re likely to hear spoken of fondly and alongside their better known, much loved titles. In fact, it’s a real rarity.

But why is that the case?

Well for one, it only ever ran for a single series of eight episodes in ‘74 and was never, to my knowledge, repeated. And for another, it was also an ITV sitcom, made by LWT, and it’s perhaps fair to say that the sitcom output from ‘the third channel’ has never really achieved the same status in our collective conscious as those from the BBC – with only Rising Damp perhaps proving to be the exception to this rule. Add to these the rarity factor that this is a sitcom featuring dramatic actors in the lead roles, John Thaw and a relatively young Bob Hoskins, rather than comic stars.


Now available on DVD via Network, the premise of Thick as Thieves sees our two leads star as small time crooks and best mates Dobbs (Hoskins) and Stan (Thaw). Dobbs has been inside for a stretch and, returning upon his release, he finds to his shock and surprise that his wife Annie played by Pat Ashton, is now living with Stan.

But instead of meeting this revelation of adultery with outrage and anger, an uneasy and comedic alliance develops between Dobbs, Stan and Annie, as they set out to live together under one roof as man, and man, and wife! A sort of working class London Jules At Jim if you will!

Coming between Clement and La Frenais' well received Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads and the equally successful project that was Porridge, it's little wonder then that Thick as Thieves has been so overlooked. However there is a clear through line between both those greats on display here; the friendly rivalry relationship depicted between Dobbs and Stan is very reminiscent of the chemistry between Bob and Terry of The Likely Lads, and the criminal world they inhabit would be further explored with Fletch and friends in Porridge.


Thick as Thieves also shares a similar kind of opening credit vibe to Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads in that they both showed the conflict between old and news that was the landscape of the late 1960s/early 1970s; the demolition of slum areas (in the North East for WHTTLL and South London here for TaT) and the rise of the more impersonal tower blocks. Both programmes also feature a bittersweet theme tune sung by Mike Hugg from lyrics written by himself and La Frenais.

There are also strong links to Porridge too as Clement and La Frenais are on record as claiming it was the writing of the Porridge pilot, Prisoner and Escort, for Ronnie Barker's series Seven of One that spurred them on to actually writing Thick as Thieves.

Instead of just writing that pilot, they followed it through to find that they had actually come up with the idea of someone being released from (rather than going into) prison and that they had fifty pages of 'treatment' before realising they had two separate entities on their hands. The pair concentrated on the character of Fletch for Ronnie Barker, and what was to become Prisoner and Escort, but kept Thick as Thieves back to explore as another series. It's also worth pointing out that once Porridge ended, the sequel, Going Straight would mine similar material regarding coming out of prison that had previously been explored here.


As with all Clement and La Frenais' work, Thick as Thieves has a great air of realism, specifically in its ear for earthy dialogue. Dobbs and Stan are an utterly hapless but believable pair, with Thaw’s Stan sharing many of Likely Lad Terry Collier's (and later Auf Weidersehen, Pet's Oz) charmed but largely uneducated and feckless life - he's forever searching for the right word in conversation, leading to something of a catchphrase "Is that the word?".

Dobbs meanwhile is more long suffering and, just like Bob Ferris, prone to the banana skins of life. Together they make a perfect pair of opposites and there's a great chemistry between them helped immeasurably by Hoskins and Thaw's rather pally playing. They're an enjoyable presence onscreen and it is easy to find yourself liking them, despite their nefarious activities.


A character I found less likeable however is Annie, played by Pat Ashton, but that’s no disrespect to the actress who delivers great work as the woman they both love. It's just that, as a viewer, it is hard to get a handle on her and her attitude to both men, as they strive for her affections.

Occasionally characters from outside the domestic set up, ie supporting players, pass comment on their unusual relationship and claim that they consider her lucky, but she seems to spend all her time moaning about Dobbs and Stan, more like an exasperated mother or big sister than a lover or someone who has the best of both worlds. What's more bewildering and infuriating for the viewer is how quick she is to fly off the handle if there's a whiff or Stan or Dobbs seeking another woman, yet in one episode it is perfectly acceptable for her to leave both men for yet another suitor!


Speaking of supporting characters, there are plenty of familiar faces that pass through the doors of Dobbs, Stan and Annie's home, including On The Buses Michael Robbins as the local plainclothes copper keeping his beady eye on the newly released Dobbs, a young(ish) Trevor Peacock from The Vicar of Dibley as an escaped convict known to the pair and seeking sanctuary, and Johnny Briggs as another local chancer called Spiggy, before he went on to household name status as Coronation Street's cockney charmer Mike Baldwin.

Thick As Thieves may not be a comedy classic but it proves to be an enjoyable eight part series which is a cut above most ITV sitcoms of the era, series that seemed to trade solely on crudity and offensiveness to appeal to the lowest common denominator (the aforementioned On The Buses immediately springs to mind here) It does show its age though, and not just in terms of the visible tape distortion and scratches seen on some episodes.


There are plenty of odd camera angles and close ups as well as actors walking in front of one another which, along with fluffed lines, suggests neither proper or sufficient blocking during rehearsal occurred before shooting commenced in front of the live studio audience. There’s also the kind of salty dialogue you simply couldn’t get away with no on the grounds of political correctness – the early ‘70s really were different times.

Equally the show does take a couple of episodes to find its feet, or maybe that's just me; as I say it's strange to see the likes of Hoskins and Thaw playing roles so clearly for laughs. But that is not an unwelcome situation, both actors show they have a real flair for comedy and Hoskins uses his inimitable, diminutive but bulky physical presence for laughs here with the same success he received using it for drama.


On reflection, I do think thought that the world of Thick as Thieves may have been better served in the comedy drama genre rather than the straight studio sitcom format. If they played it in the same vein as Budgie, Adam Faith’s series about an equally small time and luckless crook, I really think Thick as Thieves would have been more memorable, and perhaps less of the dated curio it now appears to be.

Thick as Thieves is available to buy on DVD from Network. It's a good DVD but there are no extras or special features, just the episodes themselves which, in my view, are worthy of your time if you like this kind of thing.

Be warned though, once watched you won’t be able to get the Mike Hugg theme tune out of your head!

Television's not really television without villains, is it? After all, why would anyone tune in to see the good guys just sitting round in a world free from jeopardy and tension? Exactly, it would generate about as much narrative excitement as our own humdrum lives, so that's why television needs villains to provide that bit of fantasy and escapism that we crave.

Now, when it comes to children's TV, villains are particularly interesting characters as they're installed not only to act as the antagonists, but also to symbolise the dark paths one can wander down if they stray off the straight and narrow.

And it's because of this symbolism that they become so ingrained in our memories, so let's take a look at 15 of the greatest evil villains of British children's TV.

1. T-Bag


Tallulah Bag (Elizabeth Estensen) and Tabatha Bag (Georgina Hale) - both better known as T-Bag - were a pair of villainous, witchy sisters who caused havoc for Thomas Shirt (John Hasler) aka T-Shirt in a series of CITV shows.

Tallulah starred in the shows broadcast between 1985 - 1989 before making way for Tabatha to terrorise the airwaves until 1992. Both incarnations of T-Bag stoked their magical powers by supping cups of tea made from the High T plant, but were unable to brew a decent cuppa themselves. Only T-Shirt could serve up a cup with the requisite magic, hence T-Bag's constant harassment of the wee whippersnapper.

2. Marchpane


The absolute queen bitch of stop-motion animation, Marchpane was the wicked, snobbish and psychopathic doll from 1984's Tottie. Now, at first glance, with her blonde hair and blue eyes, she may look like the epitome of purity and innocence, butMarchpane was much more calculating than that.

Marchpane knew that rival doll Birdie was made from plastic, so Marchpane started a fire which was all part of a devilishly pre-meditated plan to lure Birdie towards the dangerous heat. And poor old Birdie, rushing to rescue fellow doll Apple, melted away in one of the most disturbing scenes of any children's TV show ever.

3. Mr Bronson


With a distaste for childrenbordering on sadistic, it's difficult to imagine how Mr Bronson (Michael Sheard) ever ended up in the teaching profession. However, the corridors of Grange Hill found themselves housing his barking, master disciplinarian ways and soon established him as a sinister presence on our screens.

Best known for his campaign of hate against Danny Kendall - who would later die in Bronson's car, after nicking it - Bronson regularly bullied pupils and had little time for the protestations of fellow teachers about his heinous machinations.

And he wore an absolutely hilarious toupee. It was nicked once, actually, and prompted a huge cheer from children across the land as his bald bonce shone brightly under the harsh fluorescent lighting.

4. The Witch


With a grotesque pointed nose, skeletal hands and screecing, wizened voice, The Witch from The Pogles was a terrifying concoction of spite and wickedness which contrasted sharply with the kind, good natured values of Mr and Mrs Pogle. Constantly trying to capture and destroy the Pogles, The Witch was deemed so horrifying by the BBC that the old hag was swiftly removed from the series when it morphed into Pogles Wood.

5. The Sheriff of Nottingham


One of the best ways to disarm a villain is by laughing at them and, God knows, there were plenty of opportunities in Maid Marian and Her Merry Men to ridicule the Sheriff of Nottingham (Tony Robinson). Driven by an obsession with taxes, the Sheriff had a ravenous appetite for all that glitters and even went as far as arresting a chicken for illegal parking and then demanding a fine was paid.

Unfortunately for the Sheriff, Maid Marian had other ideas about how wealth should be redistributed, so the Sheriff was regularly hoisted, quite hilariously, by his own petard. And, when played with the comic gusto of Tony Robinson, it made for some of the finest comedy ever seen on British children's TV

6. Wirdegen Leader


The Wirdegen were a particularly nasty race of aliens who featured in 1987's Aliens in the Family and seemed to want nothing more than to exterminate the peaceful, friendly Galgonquan aliens. And, in particular, the Wirdegen Leader (Granville Saxton) took evil to a new level of extreme, brooding terror.

With a piercingly sinister set of eyes (and equally monstrous eyebrows) packed full of venomous evil, the Wirdegen Leader prompted panic attacks every time he strode in front of the camera with an intensity unmatched by most children's TV villains. Frankly, if I ever saw his disquieting features peering through my window at night, I'd probably top myself on the spot rather than endure his presence a second longer.

7. Zelda


Terrahawks absolutely terrified me as a child and it's not a surprise, is it? I mean, just look at the evil Zelda. How can you honestly expect children not to have nightmares about that? She was like something out of an unsettling 1970s horror film, not a children's TV show.

Despite my fear - and, yes, she still scares me - Zelda was a fantastic villain thanks to this base horror she managed to instill in a generation of children. And with her megalomania running rampant in Terrahawks coupled with a desire to destroy the human race, she made a worthy and formidable villain.

8. Mr Eldritch


Villains are, quite often, fairly snappy dressers (see The Master in Doctor Who). And Mr Eldritch from 1991's Dark Season didn't disappoint in the fashion stakes. Wearing shades, a black mac and trousers a disturbing shade of midnight, Mr Eldritch understood the importance of a little contrast, so topped his moody attire with a bleached blond barnet.

It was a striking look, but even more striking was his nefarious plan for world domination.Whilst pretending to extend the hand of charity by donating computers to school children, Mr Eldritch used this as front to hack into the brain power of the children to swell his own intelligence and power. And then destroy the planet.

So, yeah, he was a dastardly swine and a half.

9. Zudo Bug


Zudo Bug - from mid 80s cartoon Telebugs - was an interesting exploration of the damaging effects of mental health on an individuals actions. Now, Zudo Bug, being a robot, certainly wasn't suffering from the type of mental illness your bog standard psychologist would understand, this was more of a robotic psychosis.

Created by Professor Brainstrain, Zudo Bug was meant to be a beacon of goodness like his fellow Telebugs, but due to a programming mishap caused by Brainstrain's pet cat, Zudo Bug malfunctioned and began to run amok in a world not prepared for such dangerous, jet propelled chaos.

10. Grotbags


Ah, Grotbags, the go-to insult for someone's mum for a whole generation of children! First emerging in the 1980s on Emu's All Live Pink Windmill Show, Grotbags (Carol Lee Scott) had a real distaste for children or, as she called them, "brats" and a strong determination to kidnap Emu (possibly on the orders of a vengeful Michael Parkinson).

Sure, it was all very hammy, but this green skinned, warty witch became iconic enough to get her own TV show, Grotbags, in the early 90s. She was even less scary by this point, though, and even ended up handing out prizes to brats. Nonetheless, Grotbags remains a well remembered villain and a popular choice at fancy dress parties for grown up brats.

11. Lord Fear


Knightmare failed to establish a true figurehead for the "opposition" throughout its first few series despite the sterling, but underused, efforts of John Woodnutt as Mogdred. However, series 5 saw the introduction of arch villain Lord Fear (Mark Knight) who truly defined the dangerous depths of the dungeon.

Clad in the kind of ghoulish outfit and makeup that even a cider drinking goth would shy away from, Lord Fear was regularly spied upon by teams in Knightmare to get a heads up on his evil plans. However, it was his madness and thirst for power which made him such a mercenary, aspects which were pushed to magnificent extremes by Mark Knight.

12. Rafael Hendrick


1977's Children of the Stones terrified a nation of children, many of whom still have nightmares about the haunting incidental music and bonkers supernatural activity contained within the narrative. And fronting these unsettling themes was Rafael Hendrick (Iain Cuthbertson).

Like all the very best villains, Hendrick's end goal was absolute power. To help him achieve this, he went along the rather intricate route of harnessing the power of a black hole through ancient druid rituals involving a mysterious stone circle to brainwash the inhabitants of a sleepy village.

And, yes, as you've probably guessed, Hendrick was completely crackers.

However, he was enveloped by that most dangerous type of insanity, the one that lies beneath an intelligent and calm persona. This is why he was able to sweep to power with ease and threaten to turn the entire village to stone.

Why couldn't he just have baked a nice Victoria sponge for the village fete?

13. Belladonna


Yes, that's right, it's another witch! Children's TV really has a passion for those wicked gals, doesn't it?

Belladonna (or Deadly Nightshade as she's also known) appeared just once in The Herbs, but with her shapeshifting magic and evil cackles, she proved to be a rather memorable character. Packed full of deception, Belladonna stopped at nothing to take control of Parsley the Lion et al even stooping to poisoning the unsuspecting herbs.

Despite her sinister plans, after being yapped at by Dill the Dog, Belladonna turned out to be a bit of wimp and swiftly buggered off.

14. The Demon Headmaster


Now, if French lessons weren't boring enough, The Demon Headmaster provided another reason for children to skip school. And this is because The Demon Headmaster was a villain of such epic proportions.

Blessed with the ability to hypnotise 99.9% of the population, The Demon Headmaster adopts the somewhat cliché, but lofty ambitions of controlling the entire world. Little is ever revealed about his origins, but this only adds to his enigmatic menace and his determination to rule the world is underlined by the numerous stabs he had at it over the course of three series.

And, yes, he looks exactly like Jack Straw.

15. Evil Edna


The witch theme continues apace, but at least this time it's a particularly curious looking witch. Evil Edna, the main antagonist in Willo the Wisp, dispensed of the traditional pointed hat and broomstick and instead went for, uh, the rather random manifestation of a TV set.

Horrifying, right? Well, yes, actually as it was a particularly ugly TV set. Okay, yes, all TV sets were pretty ugly back in 1981, but Evil Edna had the most hideous grin which revealed that she owned just two crooked teeth. And she had a whole host of evil spells up her sleeves (did she even have sleeves?!) such as smiting Mavis the fairy with two faces, so old Edna certainly wasn't one to be messed with.

Who were your favourite villains? Let me know in the comments below!

If you were a child growing up in the 1980s then there's a good chance you lived for the See-Saw slot which aired on BBC1 (and occasionally BBC2). In an age where there was no such thing as CBeebies, the See-Saw slot - which had evolved from Watch with Mother - was the only real chance for pre-schoolers to get their fix of children's TV.

Some downright legendary shows aired in this timeslot and were usually preceded by a brief ident advertising the upcoming shows. And here are all the ones I've managed to find so far, so let's reminisce for a few moments about a period of life when life felt warm, simple and fuzzy.


1. Pigeon Street




2. Hokey Cokey




3. Stop Go




4. Blank Logo




5. King Rollo / Bric-a-Brac




6. Little Misses




7. Postman Pat




8. Bod




9. Chris and Crumble




10. Heads and Tails




11. Bagpuss




12. Gran




13. Fingerbobs





14. Pinny's House




15. Chock-a-Block




If you find any more then please let me know and I'll get them uploaded! Thanks!

An incredibly divisive character, Morrissey has certainly pulled no punches over the years when it comes to being forthright and handy with an opinion. However, he's also incredibly British with his detailed observations on the tediousness of life, a rapier wit which punctures with its dark cruelty and a passion for the stars of Britain's past.

In particular, he's never shied away from his admiration of small screen stars such as Pat Phoenix andViolet Carson, so it's no surprise that he's never failed to light up British television when he's made an appearance. And, as I've been listening to The Queen is Dead all week, I decided it was time to look at 6 of the best Morrissey appearances on British TV.

1. South (1988)

Having previously outed himself proudly as being "addicted to Brookside" and later revealing that the cast of Brookside regularly haunted his dreams, it was no surprise to see Morrissey popping up in the 1988 spinoff Southfor a cameo appearance alongside Tracy Corkshill.

And it contains the brief, but unmistakably Morrissey exchange:

Tracy: I know who you are!

Morrissey: So do I.

2. The Importance of Being Morrissey (2003)


Airing several months before Morrissey's triumphant return to the world of music with You Are the Quarry, The Importance of Being Morrissey was a Channel 4 2003 documentary directed by Tina Flintoff and Ricky Kelehar that looked to lift the lid on Morrissey's life in the early 00s.

Enjoying a self imposed exile to LA and without a record deal, TIOBM finds Morrissey pootling through life in his inimitable manner. Nancy Sinatra - his LA neighbour - pops round to enjoy a drink and chat where she reveals Morrissey to be a great hugger, we're treated to watching Morrissey visit the barbers to get his famous quiff tended to and Morrissey reveals that he never answers the phone, preferring to fax friends and associates.

It's a hilarious and fascinating examination of a man whose life, even after watching this documentary, still remains shrouded in mystery and wonder.

3. The One Show (2009)


On the promotional circuit for his Years of Refusal album, Morrissey found himself sat on The One Show's sofa opposite Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley. Now, with the recession beginning to kick into gear, unemployment was rising, but when pressed for his views on unemployment, Morrissey was singing from a different hymn sheet.

Starting off with a damning indictment of the torrid scenario of 1970s unemployment, Morrissey suddenly shifted up a gear when he declared that, despite the shocking nature of job centres in his youth, he was more than happy to be unemployed as he didn't want to work.

But what of the white collar workers now languishing in the doledrums of, uh, the dole for the first time in their lives? Morrissey simply quipped, with a twinkle in his eye, "Therefore, why sympathise with them?".

And here's Adrian Chiles' reaction:


4. The South Bank Show (1987)


Recorded shortly before The Smiths split up, The South Bank Showhonoured The Smiths with a documentary delving deep into the mechanisms behind one of Manchester's most important bands, but focused heavily on Morrissey as the heartbeat of the band.

Morrissey was on particularly fine form as he opened up about the influences behind his lyrics and the episode is peppered with his quintessential wit. And there's even a chance to see Morrissey riding round with 'infamous wife of a pools winner' Viv Nicholson in a convertible to give the show the requisite curiosity value.

5. Eight Days a Week (1984)

 
An early British TV appearance for Morrissey here on the Robin Denselow music discussion show Eight Days a Week. Sandwiched between George Michael and Tony Blackburn (blimey!), Morrissey proves that even in his youth he was an outspoken, but highly intelligent young man.

Highly critical, both positively and negatively on the sounds and sights of the day, Morrissey alternates between looks of dismissive disgust and cracking wry smiles as George and Tony contradict Morrissey's views. However, he's relatively well behaved and he's coupled an amazing quiff with an equally eyecatching shirt.

6. TFI Friday (1997)


Although Morrissey was on to promote Satan Rejected My Soul, it's his opening credit for TFI Fridaywhich finds him in imperious form. Grappling with a dart he manages to, no doubt on the first take, score a bullseye with all the confidence of Phil Taylor and then turn to the camera to deliver a smile steeped in arrogance, but served up with brilliant wit.

What are you choice Morrissey TV appearances from British TV? Let me know below!

The 1980s are synonymous with many things, but, once you get past Thatcher, AIDS hysteria and George Michael's fax machine, you soon find yourself examining the fashions. And, Adidas trainers aside, it was a pretty horrendous time for wrapping yourself up in the fabrics which defined the decade.

Few families can boast a photo album from the 1980s which doesn't include a collection of abysmal tracksuits, stonewash jeans and, more importantly, jumpers which are so unbelievably dull or just downright grotesque that they feel like a vulgar attack on our digestive systems.

However, at the time, these disgusting, woolly manifestations of bad taste were beloved by millions. And, in particular, they were adored by people appearing on British TV. Now, maybe I'm just feeling particularly sadistic or perhaps I feel that maybe, beneath all this hideousness, there's actually a hint of style and elan that I could appropriate for the modern age.

Either way, it's time to take a look at 22 of the most hideous jumpers on British TV in the 80s!

1. Noel Edmonds - Late Late Breakfast Show - 1986


Noel Edmonds is the Don of terrible knitwear, so it makes sense to start with the bearded wonder himself. And we find him in fine fettle wearing an interminably dull collection of browns and beiges all wrapped up in a tedious crisscross pattern which leaves him looking like the most boring chocolate bar ever to have existed.

2.Mike Morris - Good Morning Britain - 1987


Those at the top tend to stand out, but not always for the right reasons. Take Mike Morris, for example, who had managed to carve out a career which led to him presenting ITV's Good Morning Britain, but still found time to pull on a jumper which - with it's purple, lilac and black stripes - appeared to have been based on the loudest and campest tiger in jungle.

3. John Cleese - Wogan - 1986


Sure, he may have written and performed some of the finest comedy ever to be transmitted in the UK, but there's no excuse for wearing an argyle jumper outside of a golf club. Especially with an off-centre tie...

4. Mike Read - Saturday Superstore - 1986


I really have no idea what Mike Read is playing at here. He appears to be celebrating a recent skiing trip to the French Alps through the medium of a jumper. And, judging by the repulsive colours on show, it must surely have been the most horrendous holiday ever.

5. Don Spencer - Hokey Cokey - 1984


Although the shoulder stripes are pretty neat, the designers of Don Spencer's jumpers seem to have given up on the rest and just slapped on a couple of randomly placed stripes. Okay, it's minimalist and almost Mondrian-esque, but it feels unbalanced and awkward.

6. Pat Sharp - Fun House - 1989



If you're able to draw your eyes away from Pat Sharp's iconic mullet, you'll notice that he's wearing a jumper that can only be described as "off its tits". There's a plane, a US flag, some other flag and the ominous slogan of "Last Words" above it all - an LSD experiment gone wrong?

7. Chrissy Rogers - Brookside - 1987



Chrissy Rogers (Eithnie Brown) had barely been in Brookside Close for five minutes when she unveiled this particularly dull jumper. With its dismal monochrome stylings, it was a jumper which Phil Redmond hoped would reflect the harsh realities of life for working class scousers in the late 1980s. Probably.

8. Paul Coia - Pebble Mill at One - 1985


You can try to promote the latest VHS releases all you want, Coia, but all we're interested in is the best cure for a migraine after being subjected to your painful jumper. It's beyond all description or comprehension, just what the hell is it? French?

9. Billy Butler - ChuckleVision - 1987


Billy Butler's jumper appears to be displaying a line graph which indicates the indominatable riseof The Chuckle Brother's bank accounts, but it's difficult to be sure as the melange of tedious grey shades will have you falling asleep within seconds.

10. John Craven - Newsround - 1983


There are three things you need to know about John Craven:

1. He was on Newsround
2. He made up 55% of the news 'off the cuff'
3. He did a nice line in nasty jumpers which led to him being dubbed "The Noel Edmonds of the News"

11. Spuggy - Byker Grove - 1989


Spuggy (Lyndyann Barrass) has really gone to town with this jumper which combines navy blue and turquoise to set a foundation of crappiness, but then delivers a WTF masterstroke by decorating it with... some high top trainers?

12. Joanna Lumley - Children in Need - 1984


Okay, it's Children in Need, so perhaps I shouldn't be too harsh, but it's the 1980s and this jumper existed in all it's vile glory and, for the sake of future generations, should never be forgotten.

13. Les Dennis - The Russ Abbot Christmas Show - 1987


It was on Christmas Day 1987 that the Queen asked the nation to embrace tolerance and forgiveness as part of her yearly speech. However, one thing that I refuse to either tolerate or forgive is this purple monstrosity which has engulfed poor Les Dennis.

14. Phillip Schofield - The Broom Cupboard - 1985


Phillip Schofield has been gracing our screens for over 30 years, but whereas these days he's a well dressed gent, back in the days of The Broom Cupboard he looked like he'd raided a charity shop, one which was running an "ALL STOCK MUST GO!" sale.

15. Tony Robinson - The Broom Cupboard - 1989


Cluttering up The Broom Cupboard with distasteful jumpers wasn't, of course, the preserve of old Schofield. In 1989 Tony Robinson paid a visit whilst wearing an incredibly awful jumper - note how Andy Crane is hanging his head in shame at the jumper fiasco unfolding in front of him.

16. Phillip Schofield, Andy Crane and Gordon the Gopher - The Broom Cupboard - 1987


Dear God, it actually gets worse...

17. Noel Edmonds - The Noel Edmonds Live Live Christmas Breakfast Show - 1984


Greeting the nation on the morning of Christmas 1984 was Noel Edmonds and, true to his awful knitwear pedigree, he was sporting a jumper which had been hastily constructed from the offcuts of a particularly dull accountant's carpet.

18. John Craven - Newsround - 1984



Craven strikes again and this time he's wearing a geometric check print jumper. Now, it wouldn't be that bad if it was only the travel sickness inducing check print that was on offer, but why has a strip of even smaller geometric print muscled in on the action and smeared itself down the front of the jumper? How did anyone at the BBC think this would help children absorb the news and not suffer vertigo?

19. Brian Tilsley - Coronation Street - 1988


Whilst the bold horizontal stripes help make Brian Tilsley (Christopher Quinten) look like a rough and ready rugby player, the masculinity provided by this jumper is somewhat tempered by the shades of fuschia. Certainly not one for the scrum.

20. Frank Carson - A Question of Sport - 1988


Frank Carson was a man who had comedy running through his veins, but, at times his fashion sense was truly flowing through his lower colon. And on A Question of Sport he once conjured up a canary yellow jumper - bad enough on its own - complete with a golfing beaver on the front. Truly, this is the encapsulation of 80s fashion madness.

21. Rodney Trotter - Only Fools and Horses - 1982


A picture says a thousand words and this is never truer than here, see how Rodney (Nicholas Lyndhurst) has a glum expression painted across his chops which reflects the patterned abomination of a jumper he's slipped on.

22. Les Dennis - The Laughter Show - 1985


You can't keep a bad jumper aficionado down, so it's no surprise that Les Dennis is back wearing what can only be described as an oversized tea cosy with arms.

***BRANDRETH BONUS***

Due to an oversight on my part, there was no Gyles Brandreth jumpers in the original posting. However, due to public outrage, this has been rectified and we can now celebrate Gyles' inimitable style.

Countdown - 1987


Good Morning Britain - 1987


Good Morning Britain - 1985



I've covered some utterly hideous jumpers here, but which ones would you secretly like to own?

Genre: Children's
Channel:ITV
Transmission:1985 - 1986


I can't think of a more fun and welcoming subject at school than drama. It was the one lesson a week where you were guaranteed no homework, no discussion of the intricacies of French nouns, no breathless exercise, but you were promised more fun than you could shake a stick at - this is why no one ever skipped drama.

Now, I'm not trying to reduce drama teachers to mere purveyors of frivolity. Far from it in fact, as drama is a crucial area of education which breeds confidence and allows children to express themselves through a wide range of methods. In fact, drama was always the one lesson at school where even the particularly shy kid who smelt of mothballs (there was always one in every year) got their moment to shine and garner a rare applause from their peers.

And this is why the idea of a TV show which embraced this rich vein of enthusiasm and expression made so much sense that we got The Wall Game.

Another Brick in the Wall

The Wall Game was a game show which featured a giant wall of interlocking blocks, but this was no ordinary jigsaw wall. In fact, as presenter Hal Lehrman announced, "This is the wall and with imagination you can build anything".


However, it was much more than just Hal, his imagination and a wall - an intriguing concept, but one with a rather narrow audience. That's why Hal was teamed up - for the first series - with Sinitta, Antony Johns and Helen Bennett to aid with the presenting duties and fostering the exploration of the imagination.

But whose imagination were they trying to explore and stimulate? Well, with it being a children's show it would be ridiculous to omit those little guys and, sure enough, various schools despatched minibuses packed full of their pupils to star in The Wall Game.


A series of rounds progressed which encouraged the contestants to improvise with the blocks from the wall to unlock the identity of that week's theme. Also lending clues towards discovering the theme were sections such as 'Fascinating Facts' and various sketches acted out by the presenters.

The themes on offer ranged from city dreams through to Noah's Ark onto Ancient Egypt and even the crazy world of space travel. With the week's theme identified, it was time for the contestants to really put their drama skills to the test by writing a play and then acting it out with the help of the wall's blocks.


The second series differed slightly, but only that there presenting lineup changed with Deborah Goodman, John Ramm and Andrie Reid becoming Hal Lehrman's fellow presenters. This series also featured celebrity guests being called up to the plate to assist and these included Bonnie Langford, Tessa Sanderson and Duncan Goodhew - an 80s ensemble if ever there was one.

Building the Wall

The Wall Game was a Thames Television production which aired on ITV between 1985 - 6 and chalked up 25 episodes over the course of two series. The first series aired on Tuesday afternoons with the second series going out on Wednesdays.


Now, despite being a British production, the seeds of The Wall Game were actually sown around 3,500 miles away in the USA as Lehrman remembers:

"Several years before coming to England I auditioned and was chosen by Marjorie Sigley to be part of her repertory theatre known as City Centers Young People’s Theatre. The City Center is one of the major theatres in Manhattan and Sigi had created this special concept after her years of development in England.

We had a wonderful theatre space in this iconic building that was created for and used all year round by Sigi and the company. The concept was brilliantly conceived and functioned in three parts:

Part 1: An original but incomplete play based on a theme (Noah’s Ark, American Folk songs, Homer’s Odyssey, fairy tales….etc.

Part 2: The audience is divided into groups, each group goes into rehearsal with two of the actors to create a follow through inspired by Part 1.

Part 3: The audience returns and takes their place on the stage and each group performs and enjoys the performance of the other groups.

There are no winners. The joy of performance and the appreciation of the entertainment that is the reward.

It was a great pleasure working with Sigi. There were many talented actors who passed through, but pursuing their acting careers moved them on. Most notable perhaps was Kathy Bates who was Columbine to my Harlequin! I was fascinated by Sigi’s work and stayed with her. We branched out to different venues. We toured schools, working with challenged children as well"

And it was this idea - incubated in Manhattan - that Sigi wanted to transfer from the stage to the screen back in Britain. Hal Lehrman recalls this period:

"When Sigi returned to England and wanted to translate her vision to a TV show it was natural that she called on me. She entrusted me with everything that happened in front of the camera except for costume and music.

We had had years of experience. We knew what we were doing. We toured schools throughout England, engaging whole schools as a way of selecting the groups that would end up on camera.

Sigi did the hard lifting when it came to getting the ITV commissioning. I was pampered; all I had to do was the fun work!"

Scaling the Wall

The Wall Game arrived a year or two early for me to remember, so although there's a chance I watched it, any clear recollection is lost to the mists of time. Thankfully, my Twitter followers have created a curious online consciousness where every British TV show is remembered in at least some way, shape or form.

And, during one of my many late night Twitter chats on the forgotten curios of children's TV, I was alerted to the existence of The Wall Show. Clear memories were scant and far between, but YouTube yielded an episode and it was my duty to get all investigative, a bit like a retro TV Sherlock Holmes, but without a deer stalker.


The first thing that stands out is the visual aesthetics of The Wall Game. Despite being housed within a typically nondescript mid 80s studio, designer Jane Krall has transformed it into a striking set thanks to the huge wall which dwarfs the presenters and children. There's a curious pastel colour theme going on with the set which is quintessential 1980s style and also extends into the fashion on offer...

Antony Johns is clad in a most remarkable pale blue jumpsuit which rivals anything seen in the most cheesiest pop video of the time whilst the other presenters are dressed up in an array of whites and pinks. It's the 1980s, of course, so it's difficult to be harsh on the fashions and, if anything, it acts as a celebration of what was a particularly challenging (see Kajagoogoo), yet extravagant (see Kajagoogoo again) decade of fashion.

However, the presenters are worth so much more than being reduced to questionable clothes horses. All the presenters have an energetic verve to their performances and bring the requisite 'stage' feel to the proceedings, but Lehrman is very much the focus of the presenting duties and it's not hard to see why.

Foreign accents on British TV shows were rare beasts in the 1980s, but even more so within British children's TV shows. And that's why it's so refreshing to see Lehrman at the helm with his smooth and assured accent coating The Wall Game with a glitzy transatlantic sheen which most children's shows of the time were simply light years away from.

Despite being thousands of miles from his homeland, Lehrman recounts suffering no sense of cultural alienation and relished slotting into the British way of life:

"It was great and I made great friends.And I learned how to drink and play snooker!"

And, perhaps due to the American origins and input, The Wall Game has an undeniable American flavour infusing its production. The clean, crisp feel of the sets combined with the big 'show song' refrains help to solidify Lehrman's Manhattan charms and make you feel like you've wandered into a Broadway rehearsal space clutching a Dr Pepper and some pastrami on rye.


There's also an incredible sense of energy thanks to the fantastic direction by Stan Woodward which takes in plenty of flowing pan shots to capture movement and quick cuts to convey a sense of frenetic energy. It makes for a watch which is both stimulating and unparalleled for the mid 1980s in terms of production.

Whilst this is all very stunning visually, what's the actual content like?

Well, as with all game shows, the contestants are having more fun than the viewers, but The Wall Game, like all the very bet children's TV shows, is there to foster creativity and expression. Sure, most children don't have access to a giant wall - and those that do shouldn't try and demolish it - but there's a whole world around them to explore.


For example, head to the kitchen cupboard, get out all the pots and pans and you can create a rock band with a full set of instruments or head to the bathroom and create an underwater adventure. And it's this sense of creative exploration which breeds confidence in youngsters and can even give them the acting bug for life or, sometimes, it's just an excuse for glorious childhood fun.

If confidence was important for the viewers at home, it was also crucial for The Wall Game to operate as Lehrman reflects:

"That is all that we were about. Sigi inspired confidence. When we worked at Thames it really was all in my hands but that was after years of absorbing her attitude that could be encapsulated by her instruction to me the first day we worked together. 

She called me to do a performance at the O’Neil Theatre in Connecticut. I had no idea what we were going to do, which of course concerned me. What Sigi said that day stuck with me forever! “Something will happen!” That courage she imparted is essential for the work with children"

Children, as we all know, are unpredictable balls of emotions, so I asked Lehrman how he found working with such a young cast:

"Working with children and discovering which ones can take over, which ones need to be given the courage to shine, those were the skills that we needed from all of the actors that we hired. 

The audition process to find the actors needed to test them beyond their performance skills. Its a talent and it requires loving what children are able to access and perceive.

The skill of the actor/director working with the children at the speed that we needed for The Wall Game, is to spot, crystallise and organise all the wonderful things that the kids come up with, without making them shy or, for some, amplifying what may be very delicate"

Naturally, it's a rare schoolchild who has the same writing chops as Samuel Beckett or David Mamet, but spurred on by the creative endeavours of the early rounds, the final section finds them writing fully fledged narratives which is a testament to the skills of Lehrman and his fellow presenters. And these final play sections were genuinely the result of the children alone as Lehrman confirms:

"It really was the children. The actors functioned as directors bringing out and capturing theatrically viable moments. None of it was “scripted”. None of it was written down and we had no idea what the day would produce! “Something would happen!”

This was great training for me as well as I have continued to act, teach and direct. That quiet moment before inspiration hits is something one has to learn to be comfortable with!"

Final Thoughts

The Wall Game is an incredibly 1980s British children's TV show, but feels very different to its peers due to it's genesis being forged in the theaters of the USA. And it carries that trademark American slickness to elevate it above more shoddy productions of the era and create a striking visual spectacle thanks to it's superb direction.

More importantly, just like drama lessons at school, it's an enjoyable romp which carries much hidden learning by tapping into the creative potential of the children taking part in the show and the viewers at home who are just itching to explore their capabilities. If only every area of learning could be so much fun then perhaps I'd be writing this in fluent French with all the right nouns...

Not every British TV comedy show can rack up 51 series (and counting) as demonstrated by Have I Got News for You and it's highly unlikely that many others will manage to better the 37 year lifespan of Last of the Summer Wine. In fact, many comedy TV shows bow out after one series, but just because they're not prolific, it doesn't mean these short run British comedies don't have a story to tell.

And, sometimes, these stories can be as tragic as a star actor dying during filming, controversy splashed all over the airwaves about the shows content or, maybe, a show which didn't quite click was actually conceived by writers and actors who would go on to be megastars. Also, you can't discount the possibility that some shows are either criminally overlooked or the creative teams simply want to move onto a new challenge.

I've decided to take a look at 25 curious British TV comedies that only had one series to see what intriguing stories lay behind some of these (hopefully) laugh filled comedic gems.

1. Grundy - ITV (Thames) - 1980


Grundy concerned the exploits of the sanctimonious newsagent Leonard Grundy (Harry H Corbett) following his divorce from his wife after she was unfaithful with Burt Loomis, bed salesman extraordinaire. Keen to tread a moral and just path, Grundy struggles to cope with the dubious attentions of fellow divorcee Beryl Loomis (Lynda Baron), yep, that's right, ex-wife of Burt.

Most famous for being the final transmitted performance of Harry H Corbett's career, only one series of this Ken Hoare written sitcom was ever produced despite each episode garnering high ratings. Corbett's ill health was, no doubt, a contributing factor - he had a heart attack after the first episode - and just two years later he had passed away.

I've managed to watch several episodes of Grundy and think that - even if Corbett had lived on - one series was enough. Sure, Corbett and Baron deliver scintillating performances, but the episodes retreat into long and uneventful exchanges of dialogue which leave you tapping your feet and looking at your watch.

2. Sirens - Channel 4 - 2011


Exploring the convoluted lives of blokey paramedics Stuart Bayldon (Rhys Thomas), Ashley Greenwick (Richard Madden) and Rachid Mansaur (Kayvan Novak), Sirens was a comedy drama which seamlessly fused pathos and laughs against themes of suicide and loneliness with characters you wanted to revisit, much in the same vein as Teachers.

I was a big fan of Sirens and certainly wasn't alone as there was diehard group of fans who regularly tuned in every week, but it failed to connect with a majority and viewing figures had halved by the final episode.

And, equally damning, Sirens received some what of a kicking from the press with The Telegraph quipping that it had "an irritating air of unreality" and The Independent on Sunday claimed that it was "a muddled attempt at a comedy drama". Channel 4 aligned themselves with the critics and declined to resuscitate Sirens for a second series.

3. Comrade Dad - BBC2 - 1986


Back in the mid 1980s, George Cole was one of the biggest names on television thanks to his star turn as Arthur Daley in Minder. Keen to explore other avenues, though, he also signed up to appear in Comrade Dad, a sitcom which was set in a future where the Russians had invaded and placed Britain under communist rule.

Despite this being a great premise - and steeped in the very best cold war paranoia - the writing seemed to primarily feature upon weak gags about beetroots rather than tapping into the zeitgeist. The series failed to secure a recommission and was proof that a star actor needs to be teamed up with an amazing script to be a success.

4. Bruiser - BBC2 - 2000


In the year 2000, British comedy was teetering on the edge of a TV comedy revolution as shows such as The Office, Peep Show and Garth Marenghi's Darkplace were only a few years away from airing and providing a new generation of laughs and stars.

And many of these stars could be found honing their writing and acting skills in a little known sketch show called Bruiser on BBC2. The cast and writing credits include: Robert Webb, David Mitchell, Martin Freeman, Olivia Colman, Matthew Holness, Ricky Gervais and Richard Ayoade.

Like most sketch shows the quality was a little hit and miss, but highlights included Robert Webb's take on an irritable Satan, David Mitchell's sarcastic plumber and Martin Freeman and Olivia's argumentative couple Gary and Samantha.

A second series of Bruiser never surfaced, but I doubt the team involved would have been free to get involved as their profiles and schedules went stratospheric, so Bruiser remains a curious footnote to British comedy in the 2000s.

5. Marjorie and Men - ITV (Anglia) - 1985


Patricia Routledge is known the world over for her portrayal of ultra-snob Hyacinth Bucket in Keeping Up Appearances, but her initial foray into the world of sitcom with Marjorie and Men is less well known.

Having to suffer the ignominy of moving in with her Mother (Patricia Hayes), divorcee Marjorie Belton (Patricia Routledge) is also struggling with her hunt for a new man thanks to a series of disastrous dates and general interference from her mother.

Marjorie and Men also starred the wonderful Timothy West and James Cossins, but, despite the acting quality on offer, the show was not particularly successful and was restricted to just one solitary series.

6. Lucky Feller - ITV (LWT) - 1976


Remember that David Jason sitcom about two brothers in South London where one of them drives round in a silly little car? No, I'm not talking about Only Fools and Horses, I am, of course, referring to Lucky Feller which starred brothers Shorty Mepstead (David Jason) and Randy (Peter Armitage).

The brothers still lived at home with their Mother (Pat Heywood) whilst trying to start up various enterprises including electrical and plumbing services in order to make a few quid. And, providing the love interest, for them was Kathleen (Cheryl Hall). The brothers' Dad was absent having drowned in a vat of milk stout - no, really.

Calling upon that 70s sitcom staple of farce and slapstick, Lucky Feller has plenty of laughs but lacks that little bit of magic to differentiate it from the vast swathes of sitcoms that tumbled out of TV screens in the 1970s. No second series followed, but as a proto-Only Fools and Horses it retains a certain curiosity.

7. Spoons - Channel 4 - 2005


Spoons was a Channel 4 sketch show which featured Charlie Brooker on the writing team and had Rob Rouse, Kevin Bishop, Josie d'Arby, Simon Farnaby and Tom Goodman-Hill actoring it up on screen.

Again, however, Spoons is one of those shows which fails to make use of the amazing materials at its disposal and, instead, delivers poor content that the actors struggle to do much with and, accordingly, leave the audience shrugging their shoulders. It never really felt as though Spoons got out of first gear and was laden with cheap gags and fairly thin premises.

The only sketch which I could clearly remember, 10 years on, involved Tom Goodman-Hill being resolutely insulted about his physical appearance by a woman on her mobile phone after she's been accused of flirting with the man by her friend on the other end of the phone. And, for what I consider to be the most memorable sketch in the series, it's a little troubling...

So, yes, a wasted opportunity and another British comedy show which failed to get a second series.

8. The Gnomes of Dulwich - BBC1 - 1969


The Gnomes of Dulwich is the kind of sitcom you have to do a double take at. After all, a set of British, stone gnomes competing against a set of European and plastic rivals sounds like something dreamed up following a bad LSD trip. And when you see that it aired in 1969, it suddenly all makes sense...

However, rather than being an example of the worst excesses of creative whimsy in the 1960s, this Jimmy Perry sitcom set out to be a satire on immigration and the accompanying racial fears blighting the UK at the time, so God knows what they would have made of Brexit.

Despite starring comedy legends Terry Scott and Hugh Lloyd, The Gnomes of Dulwich never managed to carve its way into the nation's heart and failed to progress further than the first six episodes. Nonetheless, it's quite preposterous premise ensures that it certainly can't be ignored. Sadly, all six episodes are missing from the archives having been wiped, so a reappraisal of the show's merit seems highly unlikely.

9. Asylum - Paramount Channel - 1996


Part of The Paramount Channel's early foray into original comedy on satellite TV, Asylum pulled together a quite remarkable team to create this sitcom/standup/sketch hybrid. Not only was it created by the young Edgar Wright and David Walliams, but it featured Simon Pegg, Jessica Stevenson, Norman Lovett, Adam Bloom and Julian Barratt amongst others.

Asylum used an old mental institution and Dr Lovett's personality warping experiments as a loose framework to highlight the burgeoning comedic talents of all involved. It's not quite perfect, but you can see early glimmers of brilliance in every episode. The series ended fairly conclusively, so there was little room for a second series but Asylum had done enough by lighting the touchpaper of several soon to be stellar careers.

10. Plus One - Channel 4 - 2009


There's nothing worse than being dumped, so when your ex-girlfriend hooks up with handsome sod of a popstar Duncan from Blue (Duncan James) it's a galling situation indeed. And, for Rob Black (Daniel Mays) this scenario has become a reality in Plus One as his ex-girlfriend Linsey (Miranda Raison) is now engaged to Duncan from Blue.

In his desperation to make Linsey jealous, Rob decides that he has no option but to secure a stunning date for the wedding and somehow upstage the rich hunk Duncan from Blue.

The most surprising aspect of Plus One was that Duncan from Blue was a surprisingly good actor and damn funny to boot. Coupled with Daniel Mays' superb performance, Plus One made for an enjoyable and fun watch, but was probably rather limited in its premise and one series was all that could be wrung out of it.

11. Freddie and Max - ITV (Thames) - 1990


Them Americans are good at that old acting lark, so it's always exciting when one pops up in a British TV show. And when this American happens to be Anne Bancroft - the proud winner of a best actress Oscar - it means something very special is bubbling up. Hand her a script from Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais and things start getting exponentially exciting.

This script was Freddie and Max and saw Maxine 'Max' Chandler (Anne Bancroft) attempting to write her autobiography from the luxury of a suite at the Savoy whilst also starring in a London theatre. A self obsessed diva, Max is paired up with young Londoner and media researcher Freddie Latham (Charlotte Coleman) to act as a glorified maid.

The comedy came from Freddie's straight talking approach which frequently pricked Max's pomposity and brought her tumbling down to earth. Freddie and Max failed to engage the audience, though, and a second series never arrived.

12. Jumpers for Goalposts - Sky 1 - 2001


The Fast Show was responsible for some of the finest comedy characters to ever grace our screens, but how would they fare when removed from a narrative and lowered into a panel show?

This happened to Ron Manager (Paul Whitehouse) who was known for his nonsense rambling as a football pundit alongside Tommy Stein (Mark Williams) and Clive Graham. This trio went on to star in Jumpers for Goalposts which was a panel show focusing on the world of football. Ron and Tommy acted as team captains - heading Ron's Rovers and Tommy's Terriers respectively - and Clive posed the questions to guests such as Noel Gallagher and Paul Daniels.

Although there was plenty of laddish laughs and great character work from the core trio, Jumpers for Goalposts never really struck a chord with the viewing public in the same way that They Think it's All Over did, so only one series of 13 episodes was produced.

13. Two D's and a Dog - ITV (Thames) - 1970


Another curio of David Jason's early career, Two D's and a Dog was a vague relation to children's comedy Do Not Adjust Your Set and was written by Jan Butlin.

Dotty Charles (Denise Coffey) found herself severely lacking in the old money department after her father passed away, so, along with her deceased father's chauffeur Dingle Bell (David Jason), Dotty would seek out a series of peculiar jobs from a selection of even more madcap characters. Oh and the Two D's were accompanied by Dotty's sheepdog Fido. Special guests who appeared included Frank Thornton, Patricia Hayes and Bill Fraser.

Only one series aired - over the summer of 1970 - but, due to the continued adoration of national treasure David Jason, it retains a curious air of interest and acts as a fascinating insight into Jason's tentative steps in British TV.

14. Hardwicke House - ITV (Central) - 1987


Hardwicke House is a particularly notorious sitcom which aired on ITV in 1987 and only managed to transmit two of its seven episodes to the viewing public before being pulled from the schedules.

Taking place within the corridors and classrooms of fictional secondary modern Hardwicke House, this was a series which saw headmaster RG Wickham (Roy Kinnear) overseeing a bunch of teachers such as Herbert Fowl (Granville Saxton) and wideboy Mr Flashman (Gavin Richards) who were considerably more unruly than their pupils.

Hardwicke House aimed for an alternative comedy flavour - Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson starred in an unaired episode - but the comedy proved a little too alternative for an 8.30pm time slot what with pupils being electrocuted and the teachers' dubious interests in their pupils' bodies.

Numerous complaints flooded in and ITV pulled the series after two episodes had aired. Plans were made to reschedule Hardwicke House in a later time slot, but this never came to fruition and the rest of the series remains collecting dust in the archives.

15. Blue Heaven - Channel 4 - 1994


Conceived as Frank Skinner's "love letter to the Black Country in a lot of ways", Blue Heaven was Skinner's first sitcom, coming three years after he won the prestigious Perrier Award.

Blue Heaven saw West Bromwich Albion fanatic Frank Sandford (Frank Skinner) and pal Roache (Conleth Hill) embracing unemployment in order to hit the big time with their band Blue Heaven. Unfortunately, their musical talents are dwarfed by their deluded self belief in songs such as 'Please Stop Booing Us, We're Going Soon' and, as a result, find themselves playing in such esteemed West Midlands' venues as The Fox and Serial Killer.

Also featuring sitcom stalwart Paula Wilcox as Frank's Mother, Blue Heaven had some strong foundations to build upon. And, when it came to the gags, there was plenty to laugh at, if not exactly lung-bursting screams of laughter. It was the lack of strength behind the character's relationships and the trivial plots, however, which held back Blue Heaven's potential and left it as no surprise that a second series never arrived.

16. Clarence - BBC2 - 1988

Ronnie Barker's final hurrah into the world of television comedy came in this 1988 sitcom about a severely shortsighted removals man set in 1937. And, in true Barker style, Clarence was written by Barker under a nom de plume and, in this case, the comedy nom de plume of Bob Ferris.

Clarence Sale (Ronnie Barker) struggles with his vision and, as a result, his preferred profession as a removals man. As he bumbles around and clumsily handles people's prized possessions, he manages to stumble blindly into the path of maid Jane Travers (Josephine Tewson) and, after becoming smitten, Clarence has soon proposed. However, before fully committing to marriage, Jane suggests that they co-habit as a trial with the proviso that a large pillow separates them in bed.

Clarence is a sweet sitcom which acts as a fine sendoff for one of Britain's greatest comedy actors and writers. There was probably more mileage in the gentle slapstick and romantic antics of Clarence Sale, but Barker was determined to retire from comedy and he had certainly earned it.

17. The Culture Vultures - BBC1 - 1970


Another sitcom sadly and needlessly wiped from the archives, The Culture Vultures was a 1970 sitcom written by Tim Brooke-Taylor, Colin Mares and David Climie. Set in the world of Dr Michael Cunningham (Leslie Phillips) - a keen and devout gambling womaniser - who lectured in anthropology at Hampshire University.

Cunningham was frequently thwarted in his attempts to escape abroad, learn how to predict a roulette table or even just have a quiet life thanks to his colleagues Dr Ian Meredith (Jonathan Cecil) and Professor George Hobbes (Peter Sallis) antics. Instead, Cunningham is left stranded in Hampshire with all the stresses of being a lecturer.

Following filming of the second episode, Phillips was rushed to hospital with an internal haemorrhage and The Culture Vultures was curtailed to just five episodes as Phillips recovered. Due to this unfortunate incident and a failure to win over the general public, The Culture Vultures remained stuck on one series.

18. Bellamy's People - BBC2 - 2010


Down the Line was a wildly successful Radio 4 spoof radio phone in show which chalked up five seriesand was written by The Fast Show duo Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson. A television spinoff entitled Bellamy's People went out on BBC2 in 2010 and saw radio presenter Gary Bellamy (Rhys Thomas) leaving the comfort of his studio to meet the people of Britain.

Traveling the length and breadth of the country in a Triumph Stag, Gary Bellamy meets a myriad of bizarre characters including self professed Asian community leader Mr Khan (Adil Ray), reformed criminal turned book writer Tony Beckton (Simon Day) and the 23 stones heavy Graham Downes (Paul Whitehouse) who finds leaving his bed a testing task.

Feeling almost like a reunion for The Fast Show, Bellamy's People should have been amazing, but sadly it never quite clicked. Some sections - such as Mr Khan and Tony Beckton - were beyond hilarious, but there was too much material which barely raised a titter and the new, visual identities for the characters failed to add any value.

Therefore, Bellamy's People acts as a cautionary tale on the dangers of trying to redefine a show's format; itfailed to garner a recommission whereas Down the Line continued cranking out new series' on radio.

19. Bloomers - BBC2 - 1979


Richard Beckinsale was one of the most beautiful men to ever grace British TV, but his career was cut tragically short at the age of 31. At the time, he was busy recording Bloomers, a sitcom written by playwright James Saunders and based upon John Challis' experiences of working in a garden centre.

Once heralded as "The second most promising new act of 1966", actor Stan Partridge (Richard Beckinsale) is struggling to make ends meet as an actor. After discovering that his emotionally unstable girlfriend Lena Peartree (Anna Calder Marshall) has apparently murdered his rubber plant, Stan heads to the local garden centre where he encounters owner (Dingley Paisley) and ends up employed in the world of horticulture.

Only five episodes of Bloomers were recorded as, on the day of rehearsals for episode six, Richard Beckinsale failed to turn up. He was later discovered to have had a heart attack the night before and Bloomers was immediately brought to a halt. The five recorded episodes were later broadcast and acted as a fitting tribute to one of Britain's best loved actors.

20. Come Back Mrs Noah - BBC1 - 1978


Regularly referenced as one of the worst British sitcoms ever made, Come Back Mrs Noah was a vehicle for Mollie Sugden - at the height of her fame through her appearances in Are You Being Served? - and conceived by sitcom writing power-duo Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft in 1978.

In the year 2050, Mrs Noah (Mollie Sugden) has won a cookery competition and her prize is - rather inexplicably and completely unrelated to cookery - to be shown around Britannia Seven, Britain's new space station. This being a sitcom, there are a series of calamitous twists of fate which lead to Mrs Noah being rocketed into space along with Britannia Seven's crew.

And Come Back Mrs Noah is just as ridiculous as its bizarre premise sounds. It's a rare misfire for Croft and Lloyd, but even with a fantastic supporting cast - Ian Lavender, Gorden Kaye, Michael Knowles and Donald Hewlett - in place, the scripts are packed full of corny, recycled jokes as the narrative tries to bring Mrs Noah back to Earth.

In space no one can hear you scream or, judging by this offering, laugh, so it comes as no surprise that the chances of a second series disappeared into a black hole.

21. Mr Aitch - ITV (Rediffusion) - 1968


In between the initial run of Steptoe and Son (1962 - 65) and its colour revival in 1970, Harry H. Corbett sought to broaden his CV to prevent being typecast as Harold Steptoe. And one of the very first projects he worked on was the sitcom Mr Aitch written by the quite remarkable teams of Clement and La Frenais as well as Galton and Simpson.

Harry Aitch (Harry H. Corbett) is a man of the future who craves status symbols - such as his Ford mustang and Savile Row suits - and is determined to go out and get them through the use of his stratospheric ego and wits. And when it comes to the ladies, old Aitch claims to have "birds galore". Sadly, though, Aitch can't even extract a kiss from these "birds" and this highlights just how deluded a character he is when it comes to the true extent of his guile.

Perhaps Harold Steptoe was ingrained too strongly in the public's consciousness, though, as there was only one 15 episode series produced. After appearing alongside June Whitfield in two series of sitcom The Best Things in Life, Harry H Corbett returned to the role of Harold Steptoe.

22. Jackson Pace: The Great Years - ITV (Granada) - 1990


Easily one of my favourite TV shows of all time, Jackson Pace: The Great Years was a children's sitcom written by Daniel Peacock and transmitted on ITV in 1990.

A clear homage to the Indiana Jones films which were highly popular at the time, Jackson Pace: The Great Years saw Jackson Pace (Keith Allen) and his sidekick Roger Whibley (Daniel Peacock) hot on the trail of a glorious treasure located behind the mighty gates of the hidden temple in the land of Ja Ja Bar.

Calling alternative comedy stars such as Arthur Smith and Josie Lawrence to the cast ensures that Jackson Pace: The Great Years is packed full of laughs a plenty. And several of the gags will have you wondering if you're watching an adult comedy rather than one for children, so there's great comedic value for any adults watching. This uproarious comedy is combined with action that veers from one corner of the globe to the other, so there's never a dull moment and it's truly one of the hidden gems of children's TV.

The first series ends with Jackson Pace ready to set off into space on his next quest - complete with catchphrase "PACE IN SPACE!" - and Daniel Peacock was keen to explore the characters further, but the second series never quite got off the ground and, instead, we're just left with one amazing series.

23. Old Boy Network - ITV (Central) - 1992


Clement and La Frenais pop up with another early 90s sitcom with a lead role taken by a Hollywood star, this time it's Tom Conti - no Oscar winner, but most definitely nominated for the best actor Oscar in 1983 - in the espionage infused Old Boy Network.

Lucas Frye (Tom Conti) is an MI5 agent living the high life with a string of beautiful women whilst he also receives a nice paycheque from the Russians as a duplicitous double agent. Meanwhile, MI6 desk jockey Peter Duckham is determined to expose Frye for the unscrupulous agent he is and has gradually built up a weighty evidence to hang him out to dry. As a result, Frye is banished to Moscow and the whole affair kept hush hush.

A few years later, however, Frye is back in Britain and keen to open a freelance espionage agency, but MI6 are wary of his true motives and Duckham is sent to investigate. Surprisingly, Duckham finds Frye offering him a partnership in the agency. Together they go on to investigate crooked sports agents, dangerous computer whizzkids and even an attempt on Frye's life.

Clement and La Frenais bring all their comedic tools to the table and produce some sparkling dialogue which is bolstered even further by the fantastic performances. Everyone seems to be having the time of their lives, but the plots feel as though they take a back seat as a result. The characters are so engaging and energetic, though, that a second series could have brought more refined plots, but Old Boy Network failed to convince ITV and it was one series and out.

24. The Day Today - BBC2 - 1994


Sometimes a radio comedy can transfer to the the visual medium of television and become a much more exciting beast as a result. And The Day Today - created by Chris Morris and Armando Iannucci (whatever happened to those guys?) certainly improved on the already superb template provided by Radio 4's On the Hour.

The Day Today was a meticulous skewering of news and current affairs programs with a level of class that even the very best satires struggle to match. Running news stories on bullying in the church of England, feral commuters on a train and an American murderer being executed by their victim's corpse, The Day Today was relentless in its attack on the media and backed this up with awkward small talk between presenters and hideously over the top computer graphics.

And if the content was amazing it was equally matched by the team behind The Day Today which included Steve Coogan (as Alan Partridge amongst others), David Schneider, Rebecca Front, Patrick Marber, Doon Mackichan, Graham Linehan and Arthur Matthews.  Naturally, this was a wake up call for British comedy and helped to define Morris and Iannucci as two of the most intelligent (and wanted) men in British comedy.

There were reports in 1994 that the series had been commissioned for a second series, but the team never came together to make this a reality. Perhaps they wanted to protect the shop's sublime record of perfect television, but I would have killed for a second series having laughed myself senseless at the first one.

25. The Estate Agents - Channel 4 - 2002


Dealing with estate agents is always a demanding ask, but when it comes to watching a sitcom about them it's actually a lot of fun. And this was proved by the 2002 sitcom The Estate Agents written by comedy troupe Electric Eel (Dan Clark, Adam G Goodwin and Cliff Kelly).

The cramped offices of Embassy Properties are home to the womanising, egotistical Jerry Zachary (Dan Clark), professional loser and all round punchbag Mark Devlin (Adam G Goodwin) and kind, friendly and completely in the closet Mark England (Cliff Kelly). These three estate agents mix up cartoonish adventures with over the top violence which sees them murdering a six legged Bolivian mountain cat, dealing with the death of their mentor Roy Dance who literally explodes and, finally, having all their unscrupulous activities exposed on a daytime chat show.

The Estate Agents proved to be a fantastic slice of post-pub TV with it's surreal plots, madcap action and BIG funny gags - I can personally vouch for the show's ability to temporarily postpone a dreaded night of drunken, broken sleep. However, despite scripts being written for a second series, changes in the Channel 4 hierarchy meant that The Estate Agents was suddenly out of favour and the series ground to a halt.

So, which of these British TV comedy shows do you think should have got a second series? And what other interesting one hit wonders are there? Let me know in the comments below!

Oh, and you may be interested to know that several of the shows listed are featured, in more detail, in my e-book The Hidden Gems and Oddities of British TV Comedy Vol.1

Recently, whilst I should have been getting on more important things in life, I've been watching an awful lot of The Sooty Show. And you know what I've realised? Yes, I really should get round to renewing my car tax instead of reacquainting myself with a mute bear from the blessed years of my childhood.


However, more importantly, I've also realised that Matthew Corbett is one of the finest actors to ever grace the TV screens of Great Britain. And, if you don't believe me, why don't you take a look at the wide variety of facial expressions and guises below that he can conjure up to underline his acting prowess.

1. Apoplectic Anger


2. Unwavering Defiance


3. Mild Fear


4. Threatening Menace


5. Eye Popping Rage


6. Utter Smugness


7. Complete Horror


8. Gentle Disgruntlement


9. Camp Shock


10. Manic Desperation


11. Uproarious Hilarity


12. Coquettish Tease


13. Pensive Depth


14. Caddish Charmer


15. Unimpressed Disgust


16. Chilling Menace


17. Pouty Petulance


18. Mouth Agape Astonishment


19. Curious Intrigue


20. Straining Determination


21. Sexy Madness

Genre: Comedy
Channel:BBC1
Transmission:1981 - 1982


The world of boxing may be brutal and drenched in machismo, but there's a certain romance behind its narrative which is difficult to deny. Packed full of rags to riches charm and containing a multitude of colourful, yet highly dubious characters, it's no surprise that the public have such a fervoured interest in the stories which take place in and out of the ring.

The success of films such as Rocky and Raging Bull are proof of this demand, but, generally, these narratives have focused squarely on dramaand rarely comedy. Sure, I guess you could say that Rocky V was a comedy, but that was purely unintentional. And this lack of comedy is a surprise considering that boxers are firmly committed to that cornerstone of all great comedy characters: an unshakeable sense of self belief

However, the world of pugilism colliding with comedy in a hefty uppercut isn't completely uncharted territory as British boxing discovered in Seconds Out.

From Rags To Riches

Pete Dodds (Robert Lindsay) is a promising young British middleweight hailing from the rough and unforgiving streets of Derbyshire. However, Dodds' ascent to the top is stalling due to his in-ring buffoonery which he claims is crucial to mark him out as an entertainer. Unfortunately, for Dodds, all it's doing is chipping away at his credibility and slowly inching him away from a shot at the British title.


Luckily, boxing manager Tom Sprake (Lee Montague) has been keeping tabs on Dodds and can see the potential in his toughened knuckles. Sending his trusted trainer Dave Locket (Ken Jones) to sound out Dodds, Sprake is keen to take the young pugilist under his management. The initial meeting, though, goes disastrously with Dodds mocking Locket's credentials and christening him Granddad.

It's everything that Sprake feared would define Dodds' lack of professionalism, but Sprake also realises that he can exploit the tension between Dodds and Locket to focus Dodds' errant mind and channel his aggression into his training. Following a meeting with Sprake, Dodds discovers that Locket is genuine and agrees to come on board.


Together, this trio will compete with disastrous photoshoots, shady characters hoping to exploit Dodds' new fame and even a disastrous retreat to one of Britain's most depressing hotels as Dodds tries to climb up the ladder to championship glory. And, to add an extra dimension of frisson, Dodds only goes and lands himself a girlfriend in series two in the form of bleach blonde beauty Hazel (Leslie Ash).

Training For The Big Fight

Airing over two series between 1981 - 82, a total of 13 episodes (all titled Round 1, 2, 3 etc) of Seconds Out were produced by the BBC and transmitted on Tuesday (Series 1) and Thursday (Series 2) evenings at 8.30pm. The first series was never repeated on terrestrial TV, but the second was able to muster up a solitary repeat in 1983. No commercial releases have followed, but pirate copies of the series (hewn from UK Gold repeats in the 90s) are floating around.


Seconds Out came from the pen of Bill MacIlwraith, a writer of some renown who had started off his career as a RADA trained actor before deciding that his future lay within the world of scriptwriting. A technically adept writer, MacIlwraith wrote long running West End plays alongside TV shows such as The Human Jungle, Two's Company and episodes of Armchair Theatre.

Producing Seconds Out was legendary producer Roy Butt whose long list of credits contains such comedy gems as Only Fools and Horses, Are You Being Served and Last of the Summer Wine. Butt, of course, had previously worked with Robert Lindsay on the second series of Citizen Smith where one of Butt's main objectives was to improve cast punctuality.


And the Citizen Smith link continues as Seconds Out replaced a proposed John Sullivan sitcom entitled Over the Moon which would have seen Robert Lindsay playing a football manager determined to rise through the leagues with great success. With Over the Moon cancelled, Sullivan consoled himself by getting started on a little sitcom called Only Fools and Horses...

Getting In The Ring

Much like anyone in these fair isles with an ounce of taste and a pulse, I've long admired the fantastic talents of Robert Lindsay. A comic actor of the highest degree he's captivated audiences with his comedic turns in Citizen Smith, Nightingales and My Family to cherry pick but a few. And Lindsay, of course, can back this all up with a strong set of credentials as a serious actor which has seen him pick up BAFTA, Tony and Olivier awards.


It's this level of acting expertise that, combined with the relative obscurity of the show, made Seconds Out so appealing for me. Here was a chance to view the young Robert Lindsay, hungry for creating amazing entertainment on our screens in a setting which had rarely been employed in the world of sitcom. And hardly anyone could remember the series either, so it almost felt custom made for Curious British Telly.

An episode had surfaced on YouTube a few years back, but had since been removed. However, if you look hard enough (or shell out a few quid) you can soon get your grubby, nostalgic mitts on both series. With these in my possession, I stepped into the ring with Seconds Out.

Now, the first thing you're probably interested in is whether Robert Lindsay has undergone a gruelling training regime and strict diet of egg white encased chicken breasts in order to transform his body à laRobert de Niro in Raging Bull. Well, the answer is no as Lindsay merely looks in decent shape for a man in his early 30s.

However, his apparent lack of method acting doesn't harm his acting talents in Seconds Out. In fact, as Pete Dodds he's better than ever and, thanks to the strong characterisation provided by MacIlwraith, Lindsay gets to showcase his wide range of expressive acting and that wonderful comic timing which has served him well over the decades. Naturally, his performance also benefits from the fantastic talent around him.


Lee Montague, as ever, is in effervescent form with his irresistible Jewish cockney charm informing every syllable that spills out of his mouth. And it's amazing to believe that, on the evidence of this cheery, enthusiastic patter - Montague is equally adept at slipping into menacing guises, but take a look at his past credits and you'll discover just how diverse his acting can be.

Likewise, Ken Jones brings an experienced cynicism to Dave Locket with shades of arrogance and trademark Northern bloody mindedness. Despite all this, Jones still manages to conjure up a likeable character and even, in one episode where it looks like his career as a trainer is over, empathy. And if that doesn't speak volumes about his abilities, I don't know what does.

Perhaps the only disappointment is Leslie Ash. She's not given any particularly interesting storylines as Hazel, though, so it's not a surprise that she fails to engage. And, aged just 21, it's not surprising that she's outshone by those around her. It's by no means a terrible performance and joining the series halfway through was always going to be a struggle, but she falls just short here.


And it's in the dialogue that Seconds Out allows these characters to shine, particularly the male triumvirate. MacIlwraith had, by this point, a rich pedigree in writing for stage and screen, so it's no surprise to discover that Seconds Out is a dialogue heavy affair. However, far from being a leaden, dreary affair discussing ducks flying south from Moscow, it's a sprightly dialogue packed full of vim and vigour with plenty of what we refer to these days as "banter" from Dodds.

The dialogue succeeds in being so engaging because Dodds, Sprake and Locket are such a wonderful set of characters. All squabbling together as a tight unit, they're all striving for the same result but disagree on how they're going to get Dodds to fame and glory. Naturally, the old hands of Sprake and Locket feel that they're best equipped to plot this course due to their experience, but Dodds grouses at this proposed relinquishment over his own destiny and helps to stoke the fires of tension between the trio.


Clearly, from my gushing praise so far, Seconds Out has a strong foundation for MacIlwraith to build a fine sitcom on, but how do the plots stand up? Do they drive the action forwards with all the fleet footed magic of a featherweight at the top of their game? Or do they flail around like a lumpen heavyweight who's seen better days? Well, I'd say they're closer to a middleweight who can't quite fulfil their promise.

Seconds Out follows the world of boxing closely, but there's no wry skewering of the politics of boxing (just look at Don King, his hairstyle alone is a long running sitcom) and, instead, the narrative follows Dodds' gradual rise to the top. Unfortunately, the individual plots feel a little trifling and lacking in depth on the whole and this is where Seconds Out fails to land a killer knockout blow.

Take, for example, the episode which sees Dodds, Sprake and Locket holed up in a godawful hotel with a depressingly strict and miserable owner. It's a classic sitcom setup and taps into that sense of being trapped, which all the best comedy exploits. However, there's no journey taking place for the characters or even the plot. There's a few set pieces which create a few giggles, but the characters merely move from the hotel to the hospital and back again in which feels like a wasted half hour.


Other episodes have great setups, but still fail to make the most of them which, again, is a little frustrating. This is best observed in the series two episode which sees the apparent movie mogul George trying to exploit Dodds' new found wealth by conning him into funding a film which Steven Spielberg is 'interested' in. Conflict between Dodds, Sprake and Locket reigns supreme and we see Dodds' soft underbelly exposed to a harsh world he's not quite ready to deal with yet.

However, George remains nothing more than an unheard voice at the end of a phone and, as a result, the episode feels a little one dimensional. It's in sharp contrast to the Fawlty Towers episode 'A Touch of Class' where we're confronted with conman Lord Melbury face to face in a plot which feels far superior. I appreciate that comparing any sitcom to Fawlty Towers is a little pointless, but when you're battling in the same ring you need to be able to compete.

The plots are serviceable affairs, though, and MacIlwraith has the necessary talent to ensure they're not a yawn fest. And there's heart to the episodes too. Although Dodds and Locket are forever at each others throats, you can see the respect Dodds has for Locket when it becomes apparent his trainer's health is struggling. Likewise, the tears from Sprake at Dodds championship success are a nice touch and display the journey and relationship which has developed there.


And the series ends with a nice twist - albeit Dodds' retirement from boxing is rather sudden following one defeat- with Dodd's joining forces with Sprake on the management side of things. The final series wasn't completely closed and seems as though it could have explored this development further, but ultimately it wouldn't have had the same impact with Dodds removed from the frontline of boxing.

Final Thoughts

Seconds Out achieves that rare feat of amazing acting and great acting, but it never quite nails the plots as effectively as it could have. It's no surprise that, instead, it was one of its peers - Only Fools and Horses - which went on to dominate the 1980s and the difference between the quality of plots is vast. However, Seconds Out makes for a decent watch due to the talent involved and any sitcom aficionados should find something to enjoy in it.

Match of the Day straddles the history of football on British TV like no other. And, you know what, we still can't stop tuning into it even though, these days, all it takes is a few clicks of a mouse to watch any live football game anywhere in the world. Also, when we're confronted by the sight of Gary Lineker in his smalls, you do wonder if there's so much money in the game that mental instability is quietly ignored.


I guess its just such an integral part of British culture - much like football at Christmas - that we can overlook the sometimes curmudgeonly pundits and Gary Lineker's groan inducing lines (and pants) to enjoy what is essentially a simple highlights package. Sure, it should be called Matches of the Day, but I'm willing to overlook my pedantry here as it's become, quite rightly, a national treasure.

However, there's more to life than Match of the Day and the various other highlights shows that have come and gone over the years. What we want is a more representative look at the world of football to allow us to laugh, analyse the sport's rich history and maybe even learn how to dribble down the wing like the greats. And, besides, what are we going to watch in the off-season? Skeet Shooting with Miles Jupp?

Luckily, there's a fantastic back catalogue of shows lurking in the archive to satisfy almost every need from every demographic. Therefore, it's time to take a ganders at 21 British football TV shows which AREN'T Match of the Day.

1. My Summer with Des - BBC2 - 1998


A glorious romp which takes Euro 96 as the centrepiece for it's narrative, My Summer with Des is a romantic comedy drama dealing with love, philosophy and the wonder of Des Lynam's moustache.

Written by Arthur Smith, My Summer with Des finds Martin (Neil Morrissey) in a right old two and eight. His girlfriend Anna (Tilly Blackwood) has just given him the heave-ho and he's also lost his job following a diatribe against his boss where Martin calls him "melon arse". Not to worry, though, as Euro 96 is here to help Martin drown his sorrows in lager and xenophobia.

However, Martin's salvation won't be found at the bottom of a can of Carling or even in the magic boots of Gazza. Instead, Rosie (Rachel Weisz) - who may or may not have bedded Eric Cantona - floats in on the breeze and, using Euro 96 and Des Lynam's witticisms as a background, takes Martin on a voyage of self discovery in order to demonstrate the importance of seizing the day and enjoying the beauty of life.

2. Standing Room Only - BBC2 - 1991 to 1994


Thanks to the internet seeping into every aspect of our lives and generally making the flow of information quicker and more accessible, the humble football fanzine has fallen into decline. Although the fanzine retains a presence outside football stadiums on match days, the trend has been for these bastions of in-depth analysis from the terraces to shift online into blogs and social media.

And, way back in the early 90s, an attempt was made to move this voice of the terraces into a TV format in the shape of Standing Room Only.

Hosted by former Brookside star Simon O'Brien, Kevin Allen and Shelley Webb, Standing Room Only was a magazine style series which cast its eye over contemporary matters such as the growing number of female football fans, but also found time to look back at the careers of stars such as Denis Law, Liam Brady and George Best. There was also time for football fan feedback in 'Fan Stand' and 'Supporterloo' whilst Rob Newman and David Baddiel contributed 'Sepp Maier's Comedy Shorts'.

Airing in an era where the Premier League was forming and British football was rebuilding its reputation following hooliganism and the Hillsborough disaster, Standing Room Only was perfectly placed to tap into this new landscape. And, unlike the rather stuffy Football Focus, it genuinely felt as though it was a bunch of fans on the terrace passionately dissecting their Saturday afternoon obsession. All that was missing was a meat pie and rattle.

3. Feet First - ITV (Thames) - 1979


Written by John Esmonde and Bob Larbey - the guys behind The Good Life and Brush Strokes - Feet First was an ITV sitcom which ran for one series in 1979.

Until recently, Terry Prince (Jonathan Barlow) had been plying his trade as a conduit joint insulation mechanic (no, I don't know what one is either) and a non-league footballer. However, division one manager Harry Turnball (Lee Montague) can see something special in Prince's striking ability.

Turnbull brings Prince to - what is only ever referred to as - "the club" to help cement Turnbull's visionary new style of play "cosmic football". Also in on the act is Hamilton Defries (Doug Fisher) who's determined to market Prince as an intellectual and not a dolt for whom Scaletrix is considered high culture.

Sadly, Feet First falls well below the high standards set by Esmonde and Larbey's best work - which also included Ever Decreasing Circles and Please Sir! - and suffers from trivial plots (although they have the foresight to get a rich sheik involved) and a lack of killer gags. The one saving grace is the amazing performance of Lee Montague as he fizzes with verve and confidence, but it's not quite enough to secure a last minute winner.

4. Football Fussball Voetbal - BBC2 - 1995

With Euro 96 around the corner, the BBC decided to look back, in 1995, at the past 40 years of European football history in Football Fussball Voetbal to whet our appetites for the following summer's tournament.

Presented by Clive Tyldesley and Ray Stubbs, Football Fussball Voetbal consisted of nine episodes which featured European countries/regions with some heritage in football be it at a domestic or international level or, for some, both. Episodes explored such European powerhouses as Spain, Germany, Holland, Britain and even teams hailing from Eastern Europe.

A remarkable documentary series, Football Fussball Voetbal aired in a pre-YouTube area where archive footage was somewhat of a rarity, so it reignited fantastic memories for older viewers whilst introducing a whole new generation to the delights of Eusebio, the 1967 Celtic team and Liverpool's dominance in Europe.

However, it was the quality of former players which featured in the series that made it feel exclusive and packed full of insights on the rich history of European talent. The smorgasbord of stars being interviewed included Michel Platini, Franz Beckenbauer, Johan Cruyff and Bobby Charlton which ensured that Football Fussball Voetbal was almost as exciting as scoring a hat trick in a cup final.

5. Football Icon - Sky 1 - 2005 to 2006


Talent shows were really starting to pick up pace by the mid-00s, so it's no surprise that some bright TV executive - in between eating his caviar off £50 notes - thought "Yeah! A football talent show! That oughta shift some advertising revenue!".

And, so, Football Icon was born for talented - yet unsigned - football players between the ages of 16 - 18 to show off their skills and compete for a professional contract with Chelsea. Now, Jose Mourinho had recently arrived at Stamford Bridge and was steadily transforming them into an all powerful force, so the promise of a contract was a glittering prize for all who entered.

Entrants were put through their paces at Cobham training ground over a number of weeks to separate the wheat from the chaff. Mourinho would swoop into view to assess the final three contestants before declaring a winner and awarding the contract. Sadly, neither winner - Sam Hurrell and Carl Magnay - of the two series of Football Icon went on to become a Chelsea legend and soon faded into non-league football.

A brave spin on the talent show contest, but, frankly, I'd rather have seen a talent search to find the next football singing sensation to follow in the footsteps of acclaimed duo Hoddle and Waddle.

6. Football Association Coaching: Tactics, Skills - BBC1 - 1980

Good coaching is an integral element in getting the very best out of even world class footballers. Left to their own devices, footballers would soon get fat and lose their technical nous due to spending all their time, instead, posting to Instagram and securing super-injunctions.

And it takes a fine coach to improve upon the natural talent of any professional footballer, so those coaches at the highest level deserve a lot of credit for those magic feet creating all the headlines - not the super injunction headlines, of course, that's down to vast wealth, arrogance and a passion for french mischief.

Anyway, these amazing coaches have a lot to offer and encourage youngsters, so that's why the BBC decided to turn over part of their morning schedule during the 1980 Christmas holiday to the best coaches in Britain. Over the course of 14 episodes, coaches such as Don Howe, Ron Greenwood, Dave Sexton, Ron Atkinson, Terry Venables and Geoff Hurst (just imagine the bar bill afterwards...) all joined forces to impart their wisdom in Football Association Coaching: Tactics, Skills.

Areas of play such as 'passing and support', 'creating space' and 'attacking from free kicks and corners' were all covered in a comprehensive run down of how the action unfolds on a pitch and the techniques required to achieve success. And, adding a dash of glamour, contemporary players - Kevin Keegan, Luther Blissett, Ray Wilkins and Trevor Brooking - joined in on the training to demonstrate these theories in action.

A very British affair, it seems almost unthinkable to gather together such a collection of homegrown football luminaries for a TV series which doesn't involve some ghastly 'Celebrity' tag or isn't a sponsorship requirement. Simpler times indeed.

7. World Cup Heroes and Villains - ITV - 1994


There was very little for English football fans to celebrate during Summer 1994 - unless you were a Gooner and still basking in Arsenal's UEFA Cup win - as we rather embarrassingly failed to qualify for that year's World Cup in the USA. I know thatnone of the home nations qualified, but that was down to their own ineptitude whilst our failure was due to us getting robbed by the Dutch.

Anyway, in order to cheer us up a bit, we were treated to Bob Mills with a tape player and an endless stream of wry remarks on his World Cup heroes and villains dating back to the very first World Cup. And, remember, that first World Cup was in 1966, the others before that... well they don't really count.

A close relation to In Bed with Medinner - in terms of format - World Cup Heroes and Villains finds affable funnyman Bob Mills wading through archive footage armed only with his sarcastic wit and the savvy to hold up the already ridiculous to the light and roundly mock it.

Mills' villains range from Perry Fenwick failing to take out the pint sized Maradona at Mexico '86 and German goalkeeper Harald Schumacher's monstrous assault on France's Battiston in the Spain '82 World Cup. More heroic, for Mills, is Zaire's Joseph Mwepu Ilunga who infamously kicked away a Brazilian free kick he wasn't keen on and, of course, the linesman from 1966 who said the ball crossed the line and was actually Bobby Fennig - 1930s music hall sensation from Lancashire.

And, thanks to the timeless nature of the World Cup, World Cup Heroes and Villains remains funny all these years on. It's just a shame that England's fortunes have barely changed either...

8. It's Lineker For Barcelona - BBC - 1987


Not even the sight of Gary Lineker swanning around the Match of the Daystudio in his pants or long running endorsement of Walkers crisps is enough to diminish his legacy as a phenomenal striker. And his fantastic strike rates at Leicester an Everton in the first half of the 1980s resulted in Barcelona snapping him up in 1986.

Much like now, British footballers playing abroad was a rarity and this - coupled with the interest in a player who had won the golden boot at Mexico '86 - meant that there was enough curiosity value to justify a documentary covering Lineker's first six months at the Camp Nou. It's Lineker for Barcelona charts how Lineker has found adapting to a new culture, new fans and examines how he copes with the massive pressure of performing at one of the biggest clubs in world football.

9. Ryan Giggs' Soccer Skills - ITV (Granada) / Channel 4 - 1994

After nearly 20 years and numerous false hopes, the early 1990s finally saw Manchester United finding the new George Best in the form of Welsh wing wizard Ryan Giggs. Not only was he handsome and supremely talented, but he was perfectly placed to become the poster boy for the new Premier League era.

And the interest in Giggs soon led to six episodes of Ryan Giggs' Soccer Skills whereby - with the help of Bobby Charlton - Giggs would help train a bunch of 12 - 14 year olds with an emphasis on replicating his fleet footed ways to pull off some dazzling tricks. So, if you were interested in the finer points of zonal marking, Ryan Giggs' Soccer Skills wasn't for you.

Giggs, like most footballers, isn't the most natural TV presenter, so his flat delivery does begin to grate, but just watching him at his peak is enough to satisfy any football fan, so let's not be too harsh on old Giggsy.

10.  Gazzetta Football Italia - Channel 4 - 1992 to 2002


Now, I know I said I wasn't going to cover highlights shows, but Gazzetta Football Italia was such a unique and magnificent package that it can't be ignored.

Fuelled by the move of Gazza (and Des Walker) to Serie A, Channel 4 had snapped up the rights to live matches which went out on Sunday afternoons and introduced British audiences to a whole new world of exotic players.

Backing up the live coverage was Gazzetta Football Italia which aired on Saturday mornings and was presented by James Richardson. Featuring highlights and analysis of everything taking place from AC Milan to Lecce, Gazzetta Football Italia also managed to regularly feature interviews with Italian footballers who looked like they'd walked straight off a catwalk in Milan.

The most iconic segments, however, featured James Richardson soaking up the laid back Mediterranean vibes in a street cafe with an espresso in one hand and the sports papers in the other. And, of course, there was the infamous cry of "GOAAALLLLLAZZZZIO!" from the opening credits which echoed across every school playground in the early 90s, even if the correct pronunciation was "GOLLLLLACCCCCIO!".

11. Playing for Real - BBC1 - 1988

Believe it or not, there was once, in some moment of madness, a decision made to commission a sitcom about the fortunes of a Subbuteo team who went by the name of Real Falkirk in Playing for Real.

Produced by BBC Scotland and written by Julie Welch, Graham Baird and Daniel Boyle, there were six episodes of Playing for Real and these centred around Chrissie Buchan (Patricia Kerrigan) as she inherited table football supremos Real Falkirk following the death of her father (and former manager) Billy Buchan.
Chrissie initially faced scepticism and scorn from her male teammates, but her ability to flick a tiny plastic man around a felt pitch soon won them over - an what man doesn't go to bed dreaming of such a woman? No, that's right, not a single one with a clean bill of mental health. Anyway, Real Falkirk would go onto face such pressing plots as the proposed demolition of their clubhouse, taking on the Cardiff Tornadoes and fighting off the advances of female side Cosmopolitan Manchester who are keen on poaching Chrissie.

Despite the lack of any readily available footage, I'm not lying when I say Playing for Real actually happened. Maybe it was the footballing equivalent of the great Brazilian midfielder Socrates, all revolutionary ideals and an effortless cool, but I imagine it was more Luke Chadwick on a wet Tuesday night in Stoke.

12. Do I Not Like That  - Channel 4 - 1994


Graham Taylor had a torrid old time as England manager, didn't he? Inheriting the heroes of Italia '90, he led England through a stuttering and turgid showing at Euro '92 (where he curtailed Gary Lineker's England career a little too early) and infamously failed to qualify for USA '94.

And it was the qualifying campaign for USA '94 which was the centre of attention in Ken McGill and Patrick Collins fly on the wall documentary. Do I Not Like That wanted to highlight the pressures of being England manager, but I doubt anyone involved suspected that it would display the psychological impact that England's biggest job wrought upon Taylor.

From Taylor's infamous quip of "Do I not like that" during the game against Poland through to Taylor informing the fourth official in the game against Holland that his mate the referee has got him the sack, Do I Not Like That peeled away the layers in a manner which the football documentary hadn't seen before. And it was an absolutely spellbinding piece of television that you just couldn't tear your eyes away from.

13. Football Crazy - ITV (Thames) - 1974

A one-off children's sitcom pilot, Football Crazy was another attempt by Esmonde and Larbey to marry football and comedy.

Arnold Medley (Bob Todd) is the manager of Wormwood Rovers and has managed to put together a string of results almost as awful as the club's name. Due to this abysmal run of form, Arnold is sacked from his position as manager and goes into something of a sulky depression.

However, following the ingestion of a cup of tea laced with some mysterious pills by his daughter Carol (Liz Gebhardt), Arnold is suddenly full of exuberance and, rather inexplicably,  has acquired a football skill good enough to get him playing for Wormwood Rovers.

Football Crazy is mostly forgotten by the viewing public and remained a one-off, so was probably a load of cobblers.

14. Hero to Zero - BBC1 - 2000


Michael Owen had become the poster boy of English football by the year 2000 thanks to his clean cut image and knack for scoring crucial goals in big games. And it was no surprise that TV tried to tap into this channel of opportunity with the drama series Hero to Zero.

The series - written by John Salthouse - found schoolboy Charlie Brice (Huw Proctor) blaming himself for his parent's divorce until a poster of Michael Owen comes to life and begins dispensing wisdom like a zen striker. Soon enough, Charlie has developed the confidence to break into the local team but, uh oh, it's managed by his Dad which leads to further parental rows over Charlie.

Sadly, Owen's acting is much like his pre, post and during match analysis: dull and wooden, so virtually destroyed his acting career before it had even started. And Hero to Zero was forgotten about almost as quickly as Michu.

15. Arrivederci Millwall - BBC2 - 1990


Despite football hooliganism still bubbling away in British football and with Italia '90 coming up, the BBC decided to explore the highs and lows of hooliganism in the one-off drama Arrivederci Millwall.

Based on writer Nick Perry's 1985 stage play of the same name, Arriverderci Millwall followed the exploits of Billy Jarvis (Kevin O'Donohue) and his hooligan mates heading to Spain '82 to cause carnage and hopefully dish out revenge for the death of Billy's brother Bobby (Brian Lawrence) in the Falklands war.

There's a gritty edge to Arriverderci Millwall and it certainly highlights the tragic consequences of the so called honour of being a head-stamping football fan. The acting, however, is hardly the best and the whole affair pales in insignificance next to The Firm.

16. Fantasy Football League - BBC2 - 1994 to 1996


Even if Fantasy Football Leaguehadn't arrived at the perfect moment to take advantage of football's stratospheric rise in the mid 1990s, it would have been a sure winner regardless of the era that it aired thanks to the rich seam in quality running through its core.

With Frank Skinner and David Baddiel in their comedy ascendancy, they were the perfect hosts for Fantasy Football League - in a set based on a flat the pair had once shared - with Skinner's wry, laddish gags perfectly complementing Baddiel's supernaturally clever and incisive humour. Originally, Fantasy Football League concentrated mostly on the fantasy football phenomenon which was sweeping the nation's newspapers, but also found time for a few sketches and nonsense in between.

However, as time went on, it soon became clear that sketches and silliness were what the public wanted and the fantasy football angle was dropped. Some of the most endearing sections included 'Phoenix from the Flames' where Skinner and Baddiel would carry out a down-rent recreation of a famous goal, 'A Few Things We've Noticed From Watching Football' that allowed the hosts to crack gags over footage from the weeks events and even 'Jeff Astle Sings' which kind of explains itself.

And don't forget the dressing gown and pyjamas dressed Angus Loughran aka Statto who was a one man database of football statistics and found himself relentlessly mocked, albeit lovingly, by Skinner and Baddiel for his anorak personality.

Naturally, guests flocked to be on the show and these included Peter Cook, Damon Albarn, Phil Daniels and Andrew Ridgeley to help confirm Fantasy Football League as an essential piece of pop culture. The show was later resurrected on ITV to tie in with international tournaments, but it never quite had that cult feel again and the BBC series' remain Fantasy Football League's zenith.

17. Renford Rejects - Nickelodeon - 1998 to 2001


Produced by Nickelodeon, Renford Rejects was a children's sitcom thatlooked at the footballing exploits of Renford Rejects - a rebel five-a-side school football team made up of players who hadn't cut the mustard enough to get in the main school team.

Led by habitual daydreamer and liar Jason Summerbee (Martin Delaney), wannabe Italian (yet English) footballer Bruno Di Gradi (Paul Parris) and glasses wearing, articulate poet Ben Phillips (Charlie Rolland), the Renford Rejects were a force to be reckoned with, in their own heads at least which, when you think about it, is the main construct of comedy.

Episodes saw the team dabbling in psychological training, scaring off bullies with a mafioso 'uncle' and helping to push Ben's poetry to a wider audience. What was remarkable about these episodes, though, was the vast range of guest stars from the world of football who turned up including: Gianfranco Zola, Ian Rush, John Terry, Stan Bowles and Harry Redknapp to give Renford Rejects some real football credentials

18. An Evening with Gary Lineker - ITV (Granada) - 1994


A few years before My Summer with Des, Arthur Smith - alongside Chris England - had penned his first football play, but on this occasion, rather than Des Lynam, we would be spending An Evening with Gary Lineker. And to coincide with USA '94, the play was adapted for TV.

Set during the Italia '90 semi-final between England and West Germany, An Evening with Gary Lineker finds Monica (Caroline Quentin) and husband Bill (Clive Owen) on holiday in Ibiza with Bill's mate Ian (Paul Merton). Monica sees the holiday as an important step in rebuilding her marriage so, naturally, she's more than a bit cheesed off that the irritating Ian has tagged along.

Bill, however, is far too obsessed with the football to notice the state of his marriage and Monica is left to fantasise, instead, about Gary Lineker. Ian meanwhile is pursuing German holiday rep Birgitta (Lizzy McInnerry) in the hope of finding love.

Although the football is mostly used as a backdrop for the main narrative, we're treated to a rather strange Gary Lineker cameo where he descends from the heavens like God. Oh, and game footage is tweaked to show England actually beating Germany in the semi-final to underline the fictional nature of it all.

Witty banter and fantastic dialogue abounds in what's an entertaining play, but doesnt quite contain the magic of My Summer With Des.

19. Jossy's Giants - BBC1 - 1986 to 1987


The legendary children's comedy drama Jossy's Giants focussed upon the trials and tribulations of youth football team Glipton Grasshoppers who were managed by the excitable Geordie (what Geordie isn't excitable though) Joswell Blair, better known as Jossy.

Captaining the Giants was Ricky Sweet (Paul Kirkbright) and he was aided and abetted by team mates including the precocious talent Ross Nelson (Mark Gillard), goalkeeper Harvey McGuinn (Julian Walsh) and the 80s haircut horrors Glenn Rix (Stuart McGuinness) and Ian 'Selly' Sellick (Ian Sheppard). Together, the Giants will take on Italian rivals, raise funds to travel to Newcastle United and reach an obligatory cup final.

Written by much loved darts commentator Sid Waddell, Jossy's Giants managed two series and is fondly remembered by almost everyone who viewed it. And there was even time for star turns from Bryan Robson and Bobby Charlton, but, as you would imagine, acting was not their strong point.

20. Saint and Greavsie - ITV (LWT) - 1985 - 1992


Perhaps two of the most famous and much maligned faces of football on British TV, Ian St John and Jimmy Greaves delighted millions on Saturday lunchtimes for seven years in Saint and Greavsie.

Episodes were thirty minutes long and featured Saint and Greavsie discussing the upcoming games that afternoon in amongst plenty of old school laughs from two of the games greats. The humour was the main selling point, but there was still plenty to offer in the form of Goal of the Season, interviews and, in a surreal twist, an American billionaire by the name of Donald Trump drawing the quarter final ties for the Rumbelows Cup in 1992.

Sadly, the show came to an end when ITV failed to secure the rights to show any top flight football and the final appearances of Saint and Greavsie came during 1992.

21. Soccer for Boys - BBC1 - 1948

And, finally, we head way back to 1948 to look at Soccer for Boys, a curiously early attempt at transforming football into something more than mere highlights.

Intended as a training exercise for young boys (girls, obviously, were reduced to mixing up orange squash) to learn the finer points of the game, Soccer for Boys was filmed at Highbury thanks to the magic of an outside broadcast unit there. The youngsters - from St Joseph's College, Norwood - were put through their paces by QPR centre half G.C. Smith and tutored in the ways of the game by W. Winterbottom, director of coaching at the FA.

Although I haven't managed to watch Soccer for Boys, I'm almost 100% certain that it's steeped in a world of long balls, honour and meat pies which is in sharp contrast to the current landscape of tiki-taka, theatrical dives and state of the art sports science. And that's why Soccer for Boys is an intriguing piece of evidence in the quest to chronicle the game's evolution.

So, which of these shows did you love and what other British football TV shows can you remember?

Genre: Game Show
Channel:ITV
Transmission:1990 - 1992


We've all committed a bit of light fingered theft, right? I know I have, but please, before you get on the phone to the rozzers, I must stress that this amounts to little more than "liberating" the complimentary biscuits from first class train carriages as I stomp through to cattle class.

I certainly don't burgle houses or endorse this heinous act in anyway whatsoever, but, believe it or not, ITV - the most miscreantic of all the channels - actively celebrated this crime in the early 1990s. Now, I know that it was an era of poll taxes and rising unemployment, but it's no excuse for inciting the sort of behaviour seen in Steal.

Committing the Crime

Hosted by cabaret entertainer Mark Walker - yes, that's right, the son of Roy Walker - Steal saw two teams of two contestants using their memory power to select squares from a 4x4 board. Now, it may sound rather simplistic and I suppose it was, but there was actually a lot more to it than being an infantile game of "remember the card".


The two teams (who were stacked on top of each other) were first shown a board filled in various icons related to burglary. There was a swag bag, an eye mask, Jools the cat burglar, cash prizes and, finally, Jools the cat behind bars to really help give a naturalistic and real account of burglary - funnily enough, they failed to include an icon of a head smashed in with a lead pipe.

The teams were given 10 seconds to memorise the board, but in a further twist, this was then rotated to confound the contestants' memory skills, see I told you it was much more than that memory game you played as a kid with your mum where the grand prize was a sherbet lemon and immense praise. Moving on, each team had to reveal a square at a time and two rounds of this game followed with the consequences of the squares being:

• Swag bag - won you a glittering prize such as a pocket translator or a worthless booby prize e.g. a set of coat hangers.
• Eye mask - allowed you to steal a prize from the other team
• Green pound sign - a cash prize which was determined by a contestant using their buzzer to stop a fluctuating cash amount on screen
• Red pound sign - in the second round, a red pound sign lost you money
• Jools behind bars - revealing the jailbird Jools lost players all their money
• Jools - contestants who revealed a strutting Jools entered a mini-game

And the mini games acted as an opportunity to win more cash. Jools the cat burglar came to the fore in these sections where contestants were handed a joystick and tasked with playing computer games such as Buried Booty (stealing treasure), Open and Shut Cases (stealing objects out of windows) and Laundered Lolly (grabbing money out of the sky and pegging it on a washing line).


After these two rounds, the team with the most cash would go through to the final round. Again, there was a 4x4 square filled full of icons, but this time only one of the team members would get to flex their memory muscles. And they only had five seconds to memorise the squares. And the 12 external squares would rotate 180 degrees one way whilst the 4 internal squares would rotate in the opposite direction. The contestant then had 8 moves within a minute to reveal five specific symbols e.g. a safe, a vault, an alarm, a bank and a key to win the main prize, whilst other squares revealed cash prizes or time penalties.

The main prize available was between £1,000 - £3,000 over the course of Steal's three series.

Planning the Steal

Steal was the brainchild of Ian Messiter and his 14 year old grandson James Beaumont. Messiter, of course, had worked on radio game show Twenty Questions and, in fact, devised One Minute Please which later morphed into the long running Just a Minute, so came with plenty of game show savvy. The show was originally demoed to Central TV on a BBC Micro Model B.


Three series each consisting of twenty episodes were produced by Central and aired on Saturday evenings during the early 90s. A non-broadcast pilot episode featuring Wayne Dobson in the Mark Walker role was also recorded, but purely used to show the series to ITV. Episodes were later repeated on the West Midlands digital station Big Centre TV

Stealing my Memories

For years I could remember a game show which featured some sort of grid, some computer graphics and some vague burglary theme going on. However, no one else on the planet could remember it, so I suspected it was going to be yet another of those shows which felt within reach of my memory, but not close enough to discover more about. And, believe me, I spend long, long nights weeping about such TV shows whilst beating myself with archive editions of the TV Times.

Anyway, that's enough about my retro self-flagellation and, besides, one day I typed "ITV Game Show 1990" into Google and, sure enough, found a link to the first ever episode of Steal on YouTube. Which was nice.


Now, the graphics were the thing that really hooked me back in the day, so let's take a look at them first. Obviously, they're dated to our 21st century eyes, but back then they looked out of this world compared to the blocky, 8-bit attempts proffered by my Amstrad CPC 464. They're probably no more amazing than the graphics on offer from the Amiga at the time, but I didn't know a single person with an Amiga at the time so my tiny, eight year old brain was well and truly blown.

And it's the interstitial games which employ these graphics - designed by The Electronic Pencil Company - that really give Steal a unique edge. I can't think of any other game shows at the time which required contestants to pick up a joystick and GamesMaster was still well over a year away. It makes a nice change from the sub games of, for example, The Generation Game where contestants would have to glue bats to a shop dummy, or something.


The main rounds of the game which require the fantastic memory skills are certainly taxing, albeit housed within a ridiculously simple premise. Messiter's devised a decent game show here, but again, to my 21st century eyes, it looks a little bit too clean and simple to stand a chance these days. As with all the best game shows, there's a bit of fun for the audience to join in with and scream at the screen, but I couldn't help think that a few general knowledge questions along the way would have helped raise the engagement stakes for viewers.


Oh, and what about Mark Walker? How does he shape up when compared to his father on the all conquering Catchphrase?

Well, first off, mullet aside, he's the absolute spit of Roy, but a very different beast given the age differences we're looking at. He's a lot more active (nowhere near as magnificently as Barrymore at his peak though), but he's inherited his Dad's propensity for comedy and frequently drops gags although they're not quite as sharp or well delivered as Roy's. However, Mark's an affable host and his bright, cheery charms help to calm the contestants and propel the show through its more repetitive sections.

Final Thoughts

Steal certainly isn't up there with the best ever British game shows, but it's got a likeable, simplistic charm that underlines why it managed three series in a prestigious slot. The graphics, of course, are what hooked me in originally and they probably remain the most appealing section thanks to the unique use of a computer game and joystick on screen.

And I'd probably watch a few more episodes if they turned up, but I shan't be launching any major crime activity to lay my hands on any. And, no, I am NOT available to steal biscuits for you, so nick them yourselves

British TV has changed a lot in the last 30 years and, for the whole, it's been an amazing evolution which has enhanced choice and accessibility to stratospheric levels. However, along the way, I can't help but survey the casualties which fallen to the wayside in this exciting sprint towards our most wild TV dreams. That's why I've decided to take a look at 5 things we miss from British TV.

1. The National Anthem Closedown


Now, I'm certainly not a diehard royalist, but there's a certain tradition and immense history behind the monarchy that I'm more than content for them to rattle away in the background and pop up as national figureheads every now and then.

However, back in the old days, things were different and the monarchy were taken so seriously that BBC1 and ITV used to close each days viewing with a quick blast of God Save The Queen. Often it was over footage of the Queen, a solitary photo (as per the LWT example above) or just a simple, ticking clock.

It was a quintessentially British thing to do and didn't half get the jingoistic pride swelling, but I suspect it would be a rather outdated tradition to bring back now due to the lack of interest in the British royal family; a modern version - in an alternate universe where the major channels still had a closedown - would probably feature a Rizzle Kicks track being played over a shot of Joey Essex, so maybe a modern re-imagining isn't necessary...

2. VideoPlus+


VideoPlus+ was the original Sky Plus and, after being introduced in the late 1980s, finally offered Britain an alternative to fiddling round with the fiendish timer settingsfound on VCRs. Each TV show broadcast was assigned a unique number that VCRs could process and establish a specific date, time and channel to record. The unique numbers were published in TV listings in newspapers and magazines.

Unfortunately, the VideoPlus+ numbers were never completely accurate and recordings could easily start/finish early which made for particularly frustrating watches. Occasionally, though, you could catch a few minutes of a show which ran prior to or after the show you intended to record - particularly with late night recordings - and this could often lead to the discovery of amazing TV shows, in particular I discovered Get Stuffed in this manner.

With the slickness of Sky Plus you're guaranteed - on the whole - to get all of your programme recorded, but it's likely you'll miss out on a few hidden gems along the way.

3. The Rationing of Children's TV


Children are spoiled, these days, when it comes to children's TV what with the plethora of channels beaming out programming for children for long, long stretches of the day. And I feel that, whilst this is great for keeping unruly children entertained, it's also reducing their levels of patience.

Back in my day, of course, we had to wait for lunchtime for a quick burst of children's TV before another couple of hours followed in the afternoon. And this meant I appreciated this very special window of TV and recognised it was a slice of TV dedicated purely to my peers and I, so, years later, I'm more than content to stand in a queue without having to happyslap someone to satisfy my errant attention span.

4. The Excitement of a New Channel


It seems unthinkable now, but it wasn't that long ago that we only had four TV channels to watch. And the advent of satellite TV didn't really change matters as, for a long time, people only tuned in for The Simpsons, Football and repeats of terrestrial TV shows.

That's why it was ALWAYS a big deal when a new terrestrial TV channel launched, perhaps equalled only by a total solar eclipse. I was only present for the launch of Channel 5, but I remember the promotion of the launch was immense with its promise of unique programming, new stars and an exclusive video of The Spice Girls reworking Manfred Mann's 5-4-3-2-1 into 1-2-3-4-5.

Being a gullible teenager, I really bought into the hype and was determined to enjoy this new channel, so religiously tuned in as often as possible. However, there was no iconic Countdown style jewel in the crown to help the launch - as Channel 4 had in 1982 - and it's lineup was nearly as frustrating as the channel's poor signal which restricted its reach.

Thankfully, though, Channel 5 eventually pulled up their socks and delivered the majesty of Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! And I'm not even lying.

5. Pages From Ceefax


Up until the mid 1980s, the BBC failed to have a full daytime schedule. Starting in 1980, though, the BBC decided to fill these gaps with selected pages from their Ceefax service in a feature called, not surprisingly, Pages From Ceefax.

The feature was a rolling succession of Ceefax pages, but was completely shorn of the interactive element of Teletext, so you couldn't select specific pages (that's what actual Ceefax was for). Despite this sounding, on paper, to be as exciting as watching paint dry on John Major, there was something enchanting about the whole thing. And a major part of its appeal was the "so awful it's amazing" muzak which accompanied the pages.

As TV schedules became longer and longer, Pages From Ceefax gradually disappeared from our screens and, with it, a simpler period of TV.

So, what else do you miss from the good old days of television? Or do you think everything featured here is indicative of the dark days of British TV? Let me know in the comments below!

I know that, on the whole, I do a pretty good job of keeping my love of TV nostalgia under my hat, but the more astute visitors to Curious British Telly may have picked up on the fact that I'm completely obsessed with it. And well done to those masters of deduction, here, have a biscuit.

Anyway, I often wonder exactly what it is that drives my passion for all things nostalgia. I guess, at it's most base level, it's a way of escaping the present and retreating to a seemingly innocent era. However, no era of mankind's history is free from atrocities, so it's a little foolish to purely play the innocence card as everyone's perception of history is subjective - nonetheless, I still love the mid 1980s as, to me at least, it feels sprinkled with a simplistic magic I doubt I'll ever recapture...

However, there are plenty of other reasons that I actively search out the history of British TV's past. Perhaps, most importantly, I just love fantastic TV and can't get enough of it, so investigating the vast back catalogue of archive material gives me the best chance of finding TV that I adore.


And, in particular, having been born in the early 80s, I missed out on so much amazing TV that aired in the years before my birth, so the past has always felt like one big treasure hunt where I'm constantly searching for a hidden gem which - for one reason or another - has been obscured by the sands of time, just out of reach of my curious mitts.

Then, of course, there's so much television from my own lifetime which remains locked up in the archives and unseen for years. I'm determined to reconnect with this if only to conduct a quick re-appraisal of my memories and see how my tastes have change. Or sometimes I just want to enjoy a damn good TV show from yesteryear - see Lovejoy and Doctor Who.


I, of course, am but one man, so the reasons behind my love of TV nostalgia can't be taken as the definitive word on the subject. And that's why I decided to get in touch with some fellow fans of TV nostalgia - whose opinions I value very highly - to see what makes them tick when it comes to their love of all things from television's past.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll leave you in the safe and capable hands of my retro TV pals to discuss TV Nostalgia: Why Do We Love It So Much?

Charles Daniels - @ukoddball

Growing up in America I was used to a TV landscape of plentiful repeats. Watching comedy and sci-fi programmes from the 1950s and 1960s on broadcast television was an everyday occurrence. When it came to Saturday Morning cartoons they could include theatrical shorts going all the way back to the 1930s! So television was a fair playing field across the decades. You could get He-Man sitting comfortably with Gilligan's Island, or WWF wrestling followed by Twilight Zone.

Eventually programmes from this distant country caught my attention. The two which most fascinated me at the time were Doctor Who & Monty Python.

Monty Python had all of its surreal elements elevated to a new plain by being so immersed in the British experience - something totally alien to me. It was impossible to tell exactly where reality began and ended. Dr Who stood out even more as here we had a hero entirely unlike American TV heroes. On American TV everything was solved with the help of big guns and bigger explosions. The A-Team dominated back then and was perhaps the ultimate example of this model of American heroes.

I was growing up in a very harsh innercity environment, and these shows depicted a world where people could be best eccentric and solve their problems by being terribly clever.

Needless to say I sought out more of these British programmes and my life took many unusual turns. I left sunny California for rather more rainy Oxford. And was surprised that most people I spoke to had never heard of or seen many British shows I took for granted. The culture of repeats was very limited and it seemed to me people would much rather see a brand new rubbishy programme than a well crafted and well written programme from years gone by.

I had become aware that so many programmes had been junked and lost to history. For that clunky old Dr Who, fans way back in the 60s had recorded all the audio on reel to reel tape, and another fellow had taken snaps off the telly for many of them as well. So I spent some time doing reconstructions of old stories.

But I wanted to give something back to this country which has given me a lot of hope over the years and even taken me in. So I became determined to find something missing. It meant searching out for and exploring ancient tapes. Not just Betamax and VHS but formats like SVR, U-matic, and n1500!

It was on a collection of strange looking, square, video tapes from 1973 that I finally had some success! I found nine missing episodes of The Small World of Samuel Tweet. Meaning that a show that only had two episodes left in existence now only has two episodes missing. I have a great affection for these shows, not because they are vintage or historically interesting, but because they are so extremely good.

You'll be hard pressed to find a show funnier than Dad's Army, more charming than the Clangers, more subversive than The Prisoner, more unpredictable and angry than The Young Ones, more fun and funky than The Avengers, or more FAB than Thunderbirds.

I do wish there was more space for these treasures to be repeated, re-discovered, and re-appreciated -- but through DVDs and dodgy downloads, I do get the immense joy of sharing them with my children.

Frivolous Monsters - @FrivolousMonsta

I’d like to think that my delve into the archives of television was fuelled from nostalgia; trying to relive those moments, or recreate experiences, which surf on the edge of childhood memory…but then that wouldn’t quite be true.

Being somewhat of an odd child, what these days would be more positively termed a geek, I found early fascination with science fiction and programmes about the paranormal and this interest saw me and my brother each being given one of the early compiled videos of seventies Doctor Who one Christmas.

Archive TV? When you’d lived through Davison, Baker, and McCoy in the eighties then you didn’t consider the seventies fodder a different programme: just the same one with a rich history which happened to reach back as far as my Father’s own childhood.

But could I have been accused of being a fan of Archive TV later when in front of the video shelves of Manchester’s WHSmith, before the IRA blew them apart, I recommended a sixties Patrick Troughton story to my brother? No, because even despite me bemoaning it as “one of the black and white ones” there was very little choice at the time and I guided his purchase by pointing out that it was more likely a better decision than the derisory Peter Cushing Dalek film next to it. Thus I got to have my prejudice’s confronted and then compounded when it turned out to be very good.

From there it was hardly a hop, skip, and a jump to lovingly embrace programmes ranging from The Prisoner to Sergeant Bilko, from Captain Scarlett to Star Fleet, and from Bagpuss to Dad’s Army, through benefitting from being brought up in an era where such programmes were afforded repeats; but then these sorts of programmes deserved them because to a dewy-eyed child they were as new and as fresh as they were upon their first broadcast and beheld a status above that of simply Archive TV because they contained the airy quality known only as “that indefinable magic”.

Still, in the notion of Archive TV there is the inherent concept of struggle involved, negating those classics which still appeared on our TVs, with dedication and hard work needed to be applied on the behalf of the viewer through taking the time and effort to track down programmes from the past like Sapphire & Steel, House of Cards, or Abigail’s Party after they’d become available on DVD; collecting chunks of people’s oeuvres such as Russell T Davies’ Century Falls, Steven Moffat’s Press Gang, or Charlie Brooker and Chris Morris’s Nathan Barley; or just by sitting around for long enough until those much-longed-for absent programmes surfaced on YouTube, from some fans old VHS stack, like the motherlode of Bob Mill’s late night ITV classic In Bed with MeDinner.

I myself ended up with an episode and a half of In Bed with MeDinner frozen in the amber of a dusty VHS, after the video recorder was retired and taping quick step had come to an end, and with it being said that the programme could never be released or repeated, because of copyright concerns, I held onto that tape like Billy-o in case I should have the only copy of those episodes…in existence. It would have hardly have been stocking the Library of Alexandria but does this then make me a fan? An obsessive? A collector, or a hoarder?

Depleted TV archives have reaped the benefits from such people, prepared to hold onto what everyday folk would throw away, such as the children in the sixties so beguiled by that indefinable magic of Doctor Who that from the very beginning they were enchanted to record the TV soundtrack every week and to keep them for decades until their value was realised, the original audio-visual gems having being long lost, including one hardy child who, seemingly like Frederick Algernon “Fatty” Trotteville from Enid Blyton’s Five Find-Outers, had the wherewithal and the clout to take his parents’ TV apart and electrically hardwire his tape-recorder in.

The fact that a number of children did this just suggests that such characteristics are innate, as with the actions of the collectors, and the completists, and the hoarders, through being hardwired to act that way. A small percentage of the population, perhaps, but then it’s people at the extreme ends of these spectra who have been piecing together lost collections of Archive TV for decades with an unswerving tunnel vision. 

Despite how I can rationalise my tumble down the rabbit hole my characteristics are surely also innate, defined by my genes, as I’m an introvert, a loner, and introspective – words that are too absolute to be fit for purpose because like the rest of humanity my traits and flaws are just somewhere on a spectrum – and the latter of those has me constantly looking back, trying to understand nostalgia-based images from the past. One such image that I’d carried with me for most of my life was picked up from a visit to a school friend’s house where I witnessed a programme with scientists producing straight bananas. What was that about?

A 21st Century appeal to the like-minded revealed this to have been from the drama How to Be Cool by the now very famous Philip Pullman, author of the His Dark Materials trilogy, and he kindly told me himself that it was cool to have been reminded of that again because even he had forgotten about the bit with the banana. 

After hankering for an understanding, and searching for it all these years, I’d never forgotten about the banana and so somewhere along the line I think I must have become a fan of Archive TV…although I’m just not quite so sure where.

So what does that make me? A fan? An obsessive? A collector? A completest, or a hoarder? And is it Classic TV that I watch? Or are they just repeats? Maybe black and white stuff or old programmes which contain that indefinable magic? Archive TV? We’re all on a spectrum somewhere, but as Stewie Griffin from Family Guy famously once quipped: “What's with all these labels, man? Autobots? Decepticons? Gay? Straight? Just pick a few robots and let's party”.

Heather Lewis - @HeatherLewis85 - broomcupboardandme.wordpress.com

After much pondering, I've come to the conclusion that I was pretty much born with both eyes firmly gazing on the box in the corner of our living room. A photograph exists of me, at just over a year old, studying the classic 'coloured blocks' Channel 4 ident, proving my fascination for television presentation started earlier than my memory stretches back.

When my family finally got round to getting internet in the year 2000, websites such as TV Ark were a revelation, showing me long-forgotten archive goodies. As the internet continued to expand, hunting down rare clips of Christmas idents became an enjoyable way for me to spend an hour, as was reading blogs and soaking up as much television knowledge as I could.

Little did I know I would use all these nuggets of gathered information to one day write articles of my own!

From a personal point of view, looking at these clips always feels comforting and triggers memories of being very young, watching television with my Mum and Dad, without any worries in life. Even now, when having survived yet another hectic day with my two young children, I like to snuggle up with my beloved internet and immerse myself back into the 1980s with a few ITV Central closedowns and a selection of Anglia afternoon junctions!

Jonathan Melville - @jon_melville - jonathanmelville.co.uk

Doctor Who was my gateway drug into archive television in the late 1980s, BBC Video supplying me with a steady stream of stories on VHS that soon made me want to dabble in something stronger, while Dreamwatch Bulletin offered snippets of information on other series that were potentially up my street.

At the start (it was in 1988 when I first discovered I had the fan gene), it was all about uncovering Who's 25 year history, wondering what the missing episodes were all about and trying to join the dots in the careers of people involved in the show, finding out what Verity did next or where I could watch more from Robert Holmes.

Not everything was as readily available as Doctor Who, but my burgeoning interest in cult TV coincided with a boom in the video market for such niche titles. While much of this probably had something to do with the success of Who for the BBC, some of the blame may lie with Channel 4.

TV Heaven aired on Channel Four in 1992, a season of repeats introduced and contextualised by host Frank Muir. This was my opportunity to watch dozens of single episodes of series such as Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Callan, The Persuaders and The Prisoner for the first time. I eagerly recorded many of them, hoping they'd all get repeat run (many off which did).

At the same time I was receiving my subscription copies of DWB, salivating over the forthcoming release of yet another gem on video, from Adam Adamant Lives! to Star Cops, along with the occasional retrospective in the same magazine.

These high-concept series were something of an antidote to the raft of emergency service dramas so beloved of commissioning editors in the 90s. I may have missed them the first time around, but here was an opportunity to finally experience the adventures of 60s spies and 70s playboys without the aid of a time machine.

Reality TV and shiny floor shows were the order of the day as we moved into the noughts, though the arrival of DVDS and the likes of Network meant I could discover even more series that even DWB hadn't flagged up. Why sit and watch Big Brother or the latest Casualty spin-off (who remembers Holby Blue?) when 1969's Public Eye could be bought for £20?

Without an interest in archive TV I'd never have entered The Strange World of Gurney Slade, followed the career of George Bulman through three different series or spent time with Number 6 as he tried to escape The Village.

I also wouldn't have met new friends at an Avengers celebration, interviewed my childhood heroes at Doctor Who events or ended up as a freelance arts journalist who occasionally gets to interview an old school film or telly icon for a magazine or the radio.

We're now in the age of Blu-ray and supposedly a new Golden Age of TV, but thanks to Network, the BFI, Simply Media and others we're being offered up gems from previous eras that still deserve to be enjoyed by an eager audience, albeit one comprised of a few thousand fans rather than the 10 million watching Bake Off.

I'm not too bothered about catching the latest series of Game of Thrones when I have my Alan Clarke box set to work through. I still have four seasons of The Twilight Zone and hours of extras sitting on the shelf, while I recently finished watching Frank Marker get to grips with life outside prison in Public Eye and want to know what happens next.

I'll also need to fit in another Callan rewatch and then there's The Power of the Daleks animation. Just because these shows are old doesn't mean they're not worth watching. One day even The Walking Dead and Better Call Saul will be considered vintage - maybe I'll get around to watching them then.

Many thanks to all those who contributed to this article, but, for you others out there, there's still time to let us know why you love TV nostalgia in the comments below!

Genre: Sports / Documentary
Channel:BBC1
Transmission:24/06/1987


Gary Lineker is, quite frankly, a national treasure extraordinaire. Coupling slick presenting skills with a brilliantly measured dose of wry humour, he's helped to infuse Match of the Day with an affable charm for nearly two decades. And then there's his adverts for Walkers Crisps which knowingly skewered his Mr Nice Guy persona with a nasty crunch.

The foundation of his national treasure status, of course, emanates from his glorious career as a striker with a penchant for lurking in the six-yard box and soaring up the scoring charts wherever he went. And if it wasn't for Bobby Charlton, Wayne Rooney and Graham "let's sub him" Taylor, Lineker would easily be England's leading goalscorer.

And what's even more remarkable about Lineker is that he shimmied neatly away from the pitfall of becoming an English player going abroad and failing to make their mark. In fact, during his spell at Barcelona in the 1980s he was even dubbed The King of Spain. Whilst Lineker wasn't adorned with ermine robes, his first year at Barcelona was akin to a coronation as observed in It's Lineker For Barcelona.

Sun, Sea and Scoring

Following Lineker's exploits at World Cup '86 - where he won the Golden Boot - the whole of Europe suddenly sat up and paid attention to Lineker's prowess in front of goal. And, with British clubs banned from Europe, the Camp Nou offered Lineker the chance to finally play against Europe's elite.


Signed from Everton for £2.8 million, Lineker's arrival at Barcelona heralded somewhat of a British invasion at the Catalan giant as Mark Hughes was also purchased during the same period. And Terry Venables, of course, had arrived as the manager a few years previously, and brought back the La Liga title for the first time in a decade.


They were exciting times for Barcelona and their British contingent, but, in particular, it was Lineker who was the most mouthwatering prospect as he had the world at his quick thinking feet. It's Lineker For Barcelona focused on his first season at Barcelona and documented Lineker's adaption to the Spanish game and, indeed, the passionate culture surrounding it.

Planning for the Big Game

It's Lineker for Barcelona was a one off 50 minute documentary produced by BBC West which aired in 1987 on BBC1 in a 9.30pm timeslot. The producer behind the documentary was Bernard Hall who had previously produced the cricket documentary And It's Chardstock to Bat in 1985. No repeats of It's Lineker For Barcelona have ever aired.

It's a Funny Old Game

It's Lineker For Barcelona opens with Lineker and Hughes being unveiled at the Camp Nou to 60,000 ecstatic fans (a spectacle which remains unthinkable at an English club) whilst Venables shows off his Spanish linguistics with a rousing speech to set up the forthcoming season. It's a fine start to the proceedings, but this is a documentary which won't just concentrate on Lineker's on field antics.


He may be one of the most famous players in the world, but he's not immune from the mundanity of life as an early section finds him holed up in a Barcelona hotel as his then wife Michelle struggles to pen a seemingly neverending list of thank you letters following their recent wedding. Matters liven up a bit, thankfully, when a youthful Ray Stubbs pays a visit to conduct a quick interview on what appears to be suitcase sized recorder.


And what's striking about these early sections is just how different Lineker the player is compared to the media personality we know and love today. Sure, there's still a likeable, boy next door charm running through his veins, but he's much more softly spoken here and you certainly wouldn't expect him to start speaking out about migration issues here.

However, that great brain is present and ticking beneath the surface as he analyses the differences between English and Spanish leagues whilst he's also astute enough to show gratitude for the increased wages he's now earning over in Spain. And, although Lineker is the focus of the documentary, there's still time to hear from Hughes and Venables.

Hughes cuts a forlorn figure at times and, whilst he's reading about his old club Manchester United's fortunes back home, he sighs heavily as he reveals that he misses his Sunday afternoon pints. Barcelona was, ultimately, a disappointing period for Hughes and he was loaned out to Bayern Munich the following season before returning to Old Trafford where further glories awaited him.


Venables, meanwhile, is on cracking form as El Tel and his fierce determination to succeed is apparent as he looks for chinks in the Spanish armour to exploit. Despite his laddish persona, he's a deeply philosophical gent and dispenses plenty of wisdom and advice to his young British charges about the rigours of La Liga.

There's still time, however, for a quick look at the English game as Lineker returns home to Leicester to take part in Tommy Williams' testimonial game and then, with permission from Venables, returns for a quick training session at Goodison Park where he grouses to manager Howard Kendall that he's unable to watch English games out in Spain.


It's an interesting comment and one which highlights an era where satellite TV and live streaming were nothing but mad, mad pipe dreams. For the viewers watching It's Lineker For Barcelona, it also offered a rare glimpse of La Liga and with its sun-kissed beaches and topless girls strolling around, it certainly feels like another world compared to life on Merseyside.

In fact, one of the best sections of the documentary comes when it visits a pub nearby to Goodison park when Scouse mages of all ages swap their learned football wisdom in amongst worrying that selling Lineker will be a huge disaster (they actually won the league following his departure).


What's really interesting is when the talk in the pub turns to the subject of money and, for a moment, it feels like you're suddenly back in 2016. One supporter complains that "Money's the name of the game" whilst another tells us that the "Clubs aren't considering the supporters". However, whilst this sounds like any pub discussion in the modern age, the next opinion offered by a young Scouser of "They're getting £600 a week!" suddenly reminds you that the football landscape in 1986 was very different.

Lineker's crowning achievement in his first season, of course, is the hat trick he scores against Real Madrid to ensure his name is enshrined in Barcelona's history and hearts forever. The reaction from the fans has that quintessential Catalan passion which borders on the religious and can't be found anywhere else in the world. It's in sharp contrast to the boozy violence which blighted the English league and suggests that, even now, we could benefit from swapping a pre-match Stella for a Rioja.

Final Whistle

It's Lineker For Barcelona is an intriguing documentary which provides a number of insights into the game and acts as an amazing time capsule of the state of football in the mid to late 1980s.

Viewed with hindsight, it's remarkable just how different the game was 30 years ago, most prominently in the ease and manner with which we digest football from all around the world. It also offers a glimpse into that rare phenomenon of a British player making it abroad. Okay, Bale and McManaman also made waves in Spain afterwards, but countless others have fallen to the wayside.

And, finally, it's a fantastic opportunity to see Lineker in his prime when punditry and crisps were far from his mind. The only thing that mattered was the roar of the crowd as he put the ball in the back of the net time and time again.

Threads was a 1984 BBC2 drama/documentary which tried to predict what would happen to Britain if nuclear war broke out and follows the path taken by Ruth Kemp and her family. It's a show which is regularly feted as one of the most bleak, disturbing and realistic pieces of drama to ever air not just on British TV, but in the history of the entire planet's televisual output. And, no matter how many times I watch it, the unflinching honesty of Threads leaves me feeling incredibly disconsolate, but completely engrossed.

It's a rare TV show that can tap into all our fears with such brutal realism, but it's rarer that a narrative has such a searing emotional intensity that it removes us from the confines of comfortable viewing due its proximity to our worst fears. And that's why I decided it was time to detail what I considered the 15 most horrifying moments from Threads in order to re-iterate the show's position as a disturbing, but masterful exercise in emotional TV.

1. Warning Sirens


With political tensions and the threat of war increasing rapidly by the day, the first third of Threads lays down a foundation of anxiety for the troubled citizens of the UK. However, it's not until the warning sirens sound that the immediacy of the threat becomes truly apparent and the panic stricken public are forced to flee and find shelter from the approaching armageddon.

2. Mushroom Cloud Over Sheffield


Flat caps and whippets are a common sight in Sheffield, but you don't expect to see a nuclear mushroom cloud looming menacingly on the horizon. However, with the first wave of nuclear onslaught now initiated, it's a terrifying slice of reality and as the toxic flames rise high into the atmosphere, Britain's history has changed forever as a new dawn of destruction and desolation has arrived.

3. Woman Who Urinates On Herself


Poor old Anne Sellors, she only ever managed to secure one acting credit which would be recognised by IMDB and it's the unfortunately titled 'Woman Who Urinates On Herself'. Terrible credit aside, it's a pivotal moment in Threads and the loss of control over the smooth muscles of the bladder highlight the intense sense of fear and helplessness that the nuclear attack generates.

4. A Mother's Horror


As the nuclear exchanges escalate, Mrs Kemp frantically arranges a government endorsed makeshift shelter comprised of old doors and mattresses - unlikely to withstand a strong gale let alone a nuclear blast. However, what's even more terrifying is when she suddenly realises that she's missing her son, Michael, who is cowering in his beloved aviary. The resulting maternal anguish is a disturbing sight and captures the true horror of the situation as megaton after megaton of nuclear energy pounds Britain.

5. Melting ET Doll


All ET wanted to do was phone home and get back to his people, but in Threads he comes to a particularly sticky end. Well, it's not the ET, it's just an ET toy but it's a symbolic image and as molten plastic drips down ET's face it communicates the loss of innocence the world has just suffered.

6. Michael's Trainer


Following the nuclear blasts, Michael's severely burned parents stumble out into what's left of their yard to search for their son. After frantically digging through the rubble of what remains of Michael's aviary, his parents' worst fears are confirmed as they're confronted by Michael's lifeless leg sticking out of the debris. It's a disturbing image which hits home hard and underlines the emotional havoc that a nuclear attack could wreak.

7. Menacing Food Control Officer



A week after the bombs have landed, what's left of the government is trying to slowly piece together some sense of law and order. Food, naturally, needs to be governed carefully, so specialist stockpiles are set which are guarded by menacing, armed officers all clad in black. It's a sinister uniform which strips them of all sense of soul and reflects the nihilistic air which is now infecting society in a similar manner to the falling radiation

8. Charred Corpse


As pregnant Ruth finally emerges from the rubble of her family home, she's confronted by death at every turn. Where her street had once been populated by the social hustle bustle of families trying to make their way in the world, it's now been robbed of all its humanity. The street now serves as an unexpected graveyard for the unlucky souls exposed to the full effects of the nuclear blasts with charred corpses littering the street. And one corpse in particular still has the gnarled fear and terror of death etched into its unidentifiable face.

9. Feasting Upon Contaminated Sheep


Dirty, cold, homeless and hungry, Ruth finds herself on the moors where a dead sheep is the only available source of sustenance. Despite appearing to offer some brief salvation and the chance to satisfy her aching stomach, Ruth knows, deep down, that the sheep has died from radiation poisoning and munching down on it is only going to cause her severe health problems in the future. Such is her predicament, though, there's no point planning for an uncertain future and she has to force down the raw, contaminated meat.

10. Ruth Gives Birth


With the NHS consigned to the status of a relic from before the bombs dropped, medical care is virtually non-existent. And this leads to Ruth going through a primeval labour process without any of the sophisticated techniques on hand to aid the birth or relieve her pain. Despite these distressing restrictions, Ruth's resilience sees her through and there's even time for a brief smile of joy before the reality of the situation returns and she has to savagely bite through the umbilical cord.

11. First Winter


The first winter following the attacks is a harrowing season where hypothermia and radiation sickness combine to obliterate the young and old as their thin skin offers little protection. As a result, we're shown an unsettling montage of corpses littering the snowy landscape which hammers home the 'survival of the fittest' set of rules now in place. And, over the course of the next few winters, the young and the old gradually disappear and become rare sights in what's left of society.

12. Rats For Dinner


Where rats were once symbolic of filth and disease, a year after the attacks they represent the meagre food choices on offer in Britain. A rambling street seller offers this fare up to the desperate and starving people still staggering around the streets. Ruth takes a number of these vermin away in a tatty Gateway bag to put together a depressing meal which will provide barely any of the essential nutrients her body craves.

13. Ruth's Death

10 years on from the nuclear blasts and Britain is still struggling to rebuild any semblance of organised society. Ruth and her daughter, Jane, tend the land under the intense ultraviolet rays generated by the damaged atmosphere, but the journey for Ruth is finally at an end as she collapses to the floor and dies. Despite only being in her 30s at this point, the hardships of radiation, the harsh elements and intense mental stress have aged her by several decades leaving her with pale skin, cataracts and lifeless, straw like hair.

14. Theft and Rape


With Jane now an orphan, she struggles to survive in an uncertain landscape of ruined cities and harsh living. Forced into stealing food with similarly displaced youngsters, one particular food theft has tragic consequences as one of the young men is shot dead whilst the other rapes Jane in a desolate barn as they fight over food. It's made all the more disturbing by the fractured, damaged dialect which has arisen as language falls by the wayside in a broken society.

15. Stillbirth


There's no happy ending to Threads and it ends on a particularly bleak note with Jane going through a traumatic labour. Sadly, due to the fact that she herself was born into an era of intense radiation poisoning, Jane's baby is born stillborn. The final shot is a freeze frame of Jane screaming as she's handed her lifeless, silent baby and sums up the true horror of the nuclear aftermath.

So, what else do you consider to be nightmare inducing from Threads? And for those of you who watched it when it aired, what do you remember about that initial viewing? Please let me know in the comments below!

Whenever you scan through those 'Best British Sitcoms Ever' lists, there's a couple of things you'll notice:

1. We've produced some HILARIOUS sitcoms
2. Most of these sitcoms are male led affairs

Yes, whilst Absolutely Fabulous, The Liver Birds and Miranda will all sneak in, they're mostly in the minority. And, sure, many of the other sitcoms will feature strong, female characters, but they're almost always shackled to a male lead with an equal share in power. Now, the reasons why there's such an imbalance in the genders - when it comes to celebrated sitcoms - is far too deep and complex to be tackled on a humble blog post, so I won't be attempting that.

Neither shall I be writing about Absolutely Fabulous, The Liver Birds and Miranda as they've all been covered within an inch of their lives a thousand times before. Instead, I'll be sticking to the Curious British Telly ethos of highlighting the lesser known gems; in this case, female led sitcoms that perhaps you caught an episode or two of, but can't quite remember the name of. And, whilst some of these are rightfully forgotten, there are many more which still demand a bit of recognition.

So, without further ado, here's 15 Female Led British Sitcoms You May Have Missed:

1. Girls on Top - ITV (Central) - 1985 to 1986

The Young Ones had given the sitcom format a swift boot up the jacksie during the early 80s and brought alternative comedy kicking and screaming into the public's consciousness, but that was a very male led effort. What British TV was crying out for was a similar dose of alternative sitcom with a female ensemble. And that's exactly what Girls on Top delivered.

Amanda Ripley (Dawn French) is a liberal journalist with an outspoken dislike of men (secretly, though, she craves men) and has just secured herself a flat in Chelsea. Unfortunately, the rent is well out of her reach and she's forced to search for flatmates to help contribute. And what a curious array of characters they are.


Jennifer Marsh (Jennifer Saunders) has all the assertiveness of a dormouse enrobed in a wet blanket and provides a useful target for taking frustrations out on, but has ambition and intelligence hidden beneath this meek bushel as she briefly becomes a master of the stock market in one episode. Shelly DuPont (Ruby Wax) is a brash American with a gob bigger than Alaska and aspirations of becoming an actress, disliked by almost everyone, it's only her limitless trust fund which keeps her in the flat.

Candice (Tracey Ullman) is only present in the first series (due to a pregnancy in real life), but brings a brassy air to proceedings as the gold digging misfit with an uncontrollable libido whom the others, at one point, suspect of being a prostitute. The final character in the mix is Lady Chloe Carlton (Joan Greenwood) who is the girls' landlady, an aging eccentric who made her money in romantic fiction.


Although less anarchic and violent than The Young Ones, there's plenty of japes housed within Girls on Top such as Jennifer losing Lady Carlton's stuffed dog whilst walking it, Amanda forces two youngsters into being a new reggae sensation for the upcoming street festival and Shelley ends up winning the prestigious part of a tadpole.

Written by the cast, Girls on Top is a fantastic blast of comedy with sharp dialogue from performers who were evolving into something very special. It was also blessed with absolute wealth of talent in supporting roles with Alan Rickman, Helen Lederer, Hugh Laurie, Pauline Quirke and Robbie Coltrane just a few of the names providing an extra sheen. Although not as iconic as other sitcoms from the same era, Girls on Top is a worthy addition to the sitcom hall of fame.

2. The Happy Apple - ITV (Thames) - 1983


Advertising is a difficult old game and capturing that magic moment of engagement which will draw in the customers is a skill which even the life long marketing pros struggle with at times. Sometimes, though, inspiration can be discovered in the most unlikeliest of places as observed in The Happy Apple.


Nancy Gray (Leslie Ash) is the seemingly ditzy secretary at advertising agency Murray, Maine and Spender, but behind this undereducated persona is an almost supernatural ability to understand exactly which products and slogans with complete ease thanks to her position as Mrs Average. Naturally, this improves the fortunes of Murray, Maine and Spencer, but as Nancy seeks to better herself there's the risk she'll lose her marketing prowess.

Although The Happy Apple helped to act as a springboard for Leslie Ash's sitcom career, it's a series which failed to ever fully engage the viewers' funny bones and, as a result, is frequently referred to as "dire", "the worst sitcom ever" and a "rubbish sitcom". Had Nancy Gray ever been consulted on the potential of The Happy Apple to attract an audience, then it's fair to say that it would have been immediately consigned to the rubbish bin.

3. Screaming - BBC1 - 1992


Carla Lane was somewhat of a master (or should that be mistress?) when it came to writing female led sitcoms, but some were more memorable than others. And Screaming appears to be one that's fallen into the slipstream of her more successful efforts, but still remains an intriguing piece of work.


Rachael (Jill Baker) has been distraught for the last year following the death of her lover Ralph (Tim Berrington) and, when she's not teaching keep fit lessons to the mentally ill, she's crying over loss. She now lives with Annie (Gwen Taylor) who is struggling to get a divorce agreed with her ex-husband and Beatrice (Penelope Wilton) who has never succeeded in finding long term love. Little does Rachael know, though, that both Annie and Beatrice experienced passionately charged sexual liaisons with Ralph in the past.


And, uh oh, Ralph is suddenly back in town! He's not dead, you see, Rachael just couldn't bear to admit that he'd walked out on her. However, before Ralph and Rachael can reconcile, Ralph is involved in a nasty traffic accident and ends up in hospital with two broken legs. Once our three heroines all discover Ralph's dalliances they're determined not to give into him again, but he's just so charming and handsome...

Screaming is a curious sitcom as, although it has the set up of a traditional sitcom, it's far from conventional. Carla Lane serves up lengthy discussions of female focused issues such as the aging process and its impact of femininity and whole scenes are handed over to investigating mental health issues at Rachael's keep fit classes. And there's also a rather gory closeup of a blood splattered pavement following Ralph's accident. It sure ain't The Liver Birds.

It's not a sitcom which is regularly feted and, sure, there are some terrible gags in there, but we're also treated to some very sharp zingers by Lane's scripts. And the actresses themselves are also on magnificent form, particularly Gwen Taylor and Penelope Wilton who bring their comic finesse to the table and coat their characters with an engaging sheen. Screaming may not be for everyone, but if you're a diehard fan of comedy then it's well worth an episode or two at least.

4. Maggie and Her - ITV (LWT) - 1978 to 1979


Another sitcom focusing on a single female looking for love, Maggie and Her (originally entitled Poppy and Her in the 1976 pilot episode) found divorced school teacher Maggie Brooks (Julia McKenzie) living next door to the much older Mrs Perry aka Mrs P (Irene Handl) whose main hobby appeared to be poking her nose into Maggie's private life.

It may sound a rather cliched setup, and one that's doomed to all the pitfalls associated with cosy sitcoms of the 1970s, but thankfully there's plenty of variety on offer. Episodes involved Maggie going on dates with dry cleaners, Mrs P spending habits spiralling out of control, Maggie visiting a psychologist to get to the root of her relationship issues and Mrs P taking a job at Maggie's school to keep an eye on her.

Although it's not a sitcom which leaves you rolling on the floor convulsing with laughter, the scripts are packed full of sharp barbs between Maggie and Mrs P to ensure that their cross generational bickering sparkles rather than becoming petty. And the reason that this dialogue shines so brightly is thanks to the wondeful chemistry manifesting itself between McKenzie and Handl who both deliver fine performances.

5. Split Ends - ITV (Granada) - 1989


As Angie Watts, Anita Dobson was involved in some of the most gripping storylines to hit Eastenders during her tenure on the show. Following her exit from Albert Square in 1988, though, it was time to search for new projects and Split Ends was one of the first.

Set in the London salon Teasers, Split Ends found owner Cath Gordon (Anita Dobson) struggling to find love and settle down as her forties rapidly approached. Constantly harangued by her mother Ruth (Barbara New) to get married, Cath soon finds herself planning nuptials with work obsessed American stockbroker Clint (Harry Ditson). However, Cath also has her sights set on Teasers' head stylist David (Peter Blake) who does a nice line in smooth talking the ladies and perms.


With her lovelife somewhat of a minefield, Cath is unable to find much solace at Teasers either as her staff are equally as tempestuous and spend a lot of time in the backroom drinking tea. Aretha (Nimmy March) is cursed by an unrequited love, yobbish YTS trainee Lee (Lee Whitlock) specialises in vulgarity and Herbie (Robin Davies) as the somewhat cliched effeminate stylist.

Although it found a dedicated audience, it was rather small and the general consensus was that it was weak and wooden, so it's no surprise that Granada cancelled Split Ends after one series. Dobson, many years later, summed up the series as "Inordinately well-paid, but not very successful. The scripts just weren't right. You can't short-cut scripts. If the writing isn't there, then you're just plucking tricks out of the air to colour it" and this is probably why she's remembered more for being Angie Watts than Cath Gordon.

6. Babes in the Wood - ITV - 1998 to 1999


Much hype preceded the launch of Babes in the Wood with its array of beautiful, contemporary TV stars and it was even marketed as a vague rival to the globe straddling success that was Friends, albeit with a bit more raunch and girl power.

Set in St John's Wood, Babes in the Wood concentrated on the exploits of three women in their 20s sharing a flat. Ruth (Samantha Janus) was the overbearing leader, Leigh (Denise Van Outen) had a savvy honed at the university of life and Caralyn (Natalie Walter) was blissfully dumb. Ruth left after the first series and was replaced by wannabe model Frankie (Madeleine Curtis). Meanwhile, Charlie Lovall (Karl Howman) was the girls' neighbour struggling with the financial hardships of divorce, but had retained his beloved Porsche.


Babes in the Wood was, sadly, somewhat of a disaster. Hackneyed gags coupled with suspect acting from Denise Van Outen meant that it was stumbling from the start to finish and never managed to capture the feisty spirit the writers were aiming for. Somehow, though, the series was recommissioned and, at the very least, it ensured we saw more of the ever reliable Karl Howman, but in terms of empowering its female triumvirate the series fell well short.

7. Honey For Tea - BBC1 - 1994


Having engraved her name in British sitcom folklore as Barbara Good in The Good Life, Felicity Kendall is generally associated with the huge success of that sitcom. However, she made a number of other forays into the sitcom genre and one of these was Honey For Tea.


Following the death of her wealthy husband, the American mother and son pairing of Nancy Belasco (Felicity Kendall)and Jake (Patrick McCollough) have been declared insolvent. However, before he passed on, Nancy's husband invested a large amount of money into St Maud's College, Cambridge. Sensing an opportunity to use her deceased husband's standing with the college, Nancy flies to England to guilt trip the college into offering her a job and Jake a sports scholarship - a feat she achieves despite the reticence of college master, Sir Dickie Hobhouse (Leslie Phillips).


Appointed as an assistant bursar, Nancy manages to secure a number of lucrative investments to cement her position at St Maud's and helps Jake get a place at the college by claiming that he's an Olympic rower. With Nancy firmly in place at St Maud's, it's time for her to get stuck into narratives which see her involved with student protests over rent, using all her wiles to extort a pay rise and struggling to keep Jake enrolled.

Despite Honey For Tea featuring a cast packed full of sitcom experience and a fine writer in the form of Michael Aitkins, the series got a kicking from the critics and, more importantly, failed to win over viewers.

Part of this failure is down to the scripts which contain ambitious, but wittering dialogue which severely limits the series' laugh quota. However, whilst the dialogue is disappointing, what truly sinks Honey For Tea is Felicity Kendal's abysmally awkward American accent. It grates to levels hitherto thought impossible for such a fine actress and leaves you reaching for your boxset of The Good Life.

8. Dream Stuffing - Channel 4 - 1984


Back in the good old days of terrestrial TV, the launch of a new channel was always a very special cultural event as it only ever seemed to occur roughly every 15 years. The launch of Channel 4 promised great things with a more liberal output designed to be in sharp contrast to that on the other three available channels. And helping to shore up the early schedules was Dream Stuffing.


Jude (Rachel Weaver) is a saxophone playing New Romantic with artistic aspirations and a highly dubious/unique fashion sense. Unable to find employment, she spends her days in a grotty East London council flat, but she's not on her own as she's got a flatmate in the shape of Mo (Amanda Symonds) who's a bit more grounded in terms of outlook, fashion sense and - for a few episodes at least - employment, blessed as she is with a job at a glass eye factory.

Together, Jude and Mo pester the DHSS for employment opportunities (or try to scam extra benefits), try to fix their central heating to escape the intolerable cold and also find themselves taking in Mo's friend Brenda (Caroline Quentin) who has just given birth to a baby. Other characters that feature include Mo's mother May (Maria Charles) who just loves to grouse about all and sundry, whilst Richard (Ray Burdis) is their gay next door neighbour who appears to be running a breakers yard from his flat with his father Bill (Frank Lee).


Writing in The Guardian, just after the first episode aired, Martin Walker describe Dream Stuffing as "Heroically bad", but, frankly, that's a little harsh. Sure, it's not perfect and certainly doesn't compete well against Girls on Top, but there's a welcome comic relief in between the less engaging plots and the weaker gags. And it's so 80s that it's a worthy time capsule of the era where rising unemployment is tackled, CD players are considered highly aspirational items and Boy George is held up as a fashion icon.

9. Come Back Mrs Noah - BBC1 - 1978

All sitcoms are initially created with good intentions, but unfortunately not all of them come out the other end of the creative process as a sparkling piece of entertainment. And Come Back Mrs Noah most certainly avoids emerging with any sense of dignity.


With a particularly far fetched plot which sees Mrs Noah (Mollie Sugden) being accidentally blasted into space following a guided tour round Britain's new space station Britannia Seven, a prize she won in a not-very-astronomical-at-all cookery competition. And, if you can suspend your disbelief for a few seconds longer, almost every attempt at getting Mrs Noah back to earth fails spectacularly and ensures she stays on the Britannia Seven for another episode at least.

Now, if you're rounding up candidates for Britain's Worst Ever Sitcom, then Come Back Mrs Noah will surely be one of the first names on your list. Packed full of corny gags and ridiculous premises, it's a sitcom that somehow manages to betray the talent of all involved, coming as it does from the pen of Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft whilst it also features Ian Lavender, Gorden Kaye and Donald Hewlett. One to miss, unless you're a writer, in which case it's a telling example of what not to do.

10. Dressing For Breakfast - Channel 4 - 1995 to 1998


Louise (Beatie Edney) is a fresh faced, empowered young woman making her way through the 90s as a jewellery maker, but one who struggles to find and nail down that most elusive of goals: a stable relationship with the man of her dreams. To provoke Louise's frustration a little further, it appears that everyone else in her life has already reached this milestone - best friend Carla (Holly Aird) has been with Dave (Nigel Lindsay) for several years and Louise's frank and liberal mother Liz (Charlotte Cornwall) has recently remarried handsome Italian Fabrizio (Robert Langdon Lloyd).


With a strong emphasis on female determination and the struggles associated with dealing with men on even a platonic, social level, Dressing for Breakfast was a refreshing, breezy sitcom which never failed to shy away from straight-up discussions on masturbation, the girls sex lives and sexual politics. Written by Stephanie Calman - and based upon a series of books investigating life as a female - Dressing for Breakfast manages to combine female savvy with insightful patter which makes for an entertaining sitcom that acts as a nice antidote to the more laddish sitcoms from the mid 90s era.

11. Marjorie and Men - ITV (Anglia) - 1985


Several years before Patricia Routledge slipped into the guise of Hyacinth Bucket, she was honing her sitcom skills in Marjorie and Men in her very first leading sitcom role.

Marjorie Belton (Patricia Routledge) is a divorcee looking to get back on the merry-go-round of dating, but as we all know this can be a trepidatious affair and far from easy. Each episode finds the bright eyed and cheerful Marjorie going on a date with a different male suitor who she hopes could spark the next big romance in her life.

Through lighthearted and quintessential sitcom mishaps, however, Marjorie never manages to secure the perfect date, not even with vegetable obsessed greengrocer George Banthorpe (Timothy West). Marjorie is aided by her interfering mother Alice (Patricia Hayes) who is determined to rescue her daughter from the dreaded status of a spinster. Meanwhile, Marjorie's job at the bank adds an extra dimension of romantic frisson with both the under manager Henry Bartlett (James Cossins) and married work colleague Sid Parkin (Ronnie Stevens) having designs on Marjorie.

Not a huge success at the time, Marjorie and Men is a light and warmhearted sitcom with plenty of fantastic performances from an amazing cast. Patricia Routledge may be best remembered for Keeping Up Appearances, but Marjorie and Men remains an intriguing footnote in her career.

12. After Henry - ITV (Thames) - 1988 to 1992


After Henry is a curious ITV sitcom in that it started lifeas a BBC Radio 4 sitcom before making the leap onto the small screen. With the BBC not keen on adapting After Henry for TV, Thames Television stepped into the breach and went about giving the series - and its female leads - a visual identity.

Following her husband Henry's death, Sarah France (Prunella Scales) is coming to terms with life as widow. However, despite being relatively well off in financial terms, Sarah is being severely tested by the turbulent conditions of family life which, unfortunately for her, she is unable to escape. With her nit picking, critical mother Eleanor (Joan Sanderson) living upstairs in their Edwardian house and her independence seeking daughter Clare (Janine Wood) occupying the downstairs, Sarah faces all manner of familial strife.


With squabbling alliances being formed between the warring generations and swiftly broken with each passing episode, there seems to be little respite for Sarah. However, the secondhand bookshop that she works at - Bygone Books - acts as a retreat where she can discuss her various woes with the owner, Russell (Jonathan Newth), who is gay and has his own set of relationship issues to share with Sarah.

A resounding success for ITV, After Henry proved very popular with viewers and some episodes received viewing figures of 14 million thanks to the engaging cross-generational clashes, marvellous performances and heartfelt laughs. Although it's not one of the greatest British sitcoms of all time - prone to sliding into middle of the road territory as it is and running out of steam by its final series - it's certainly one which deserves to be remembered fondly.

13. Sometime, Never - ITV (Meridian) - 1996


Many sitcoms can be described as cheese, but there's very few which can trace their formative steps back to a series of successful cheese adverts. However, thanks to an early 90s ad campaign for Philadelphia cheese, double act Sara Crowe and Ann Brysonexperienced a rapid rise in fame and were soon starring in Sometime, Never.


Maxine 'Max' Bailey (Sara Crowe) is a drama teacher with a nice line in sharp barbs, but as she enters her early 30s she starts experiencing angst over her lack of apparent achievements compared to the hopes and dreams she had as a younger woman. For Max, her life currently consists of missed promotions and trouble with her ex-boyfriend. Meanwhile, Max's best friend Bernice (Ann Bryson) is hardly tripping the light fantastic either as she struggles with to raise two difficult children with virtually no help from her incompetent husband.

Sometime, Never was the result of writer Jenny Lecoat's dismay that the initial promise for children of the baby boomer generation had evaporated by the time the 1990s had come round. With these dreams dashed, a sense of anxiety was setting in and was a great cause of consternation for many, so Sometime, Never was a series that many could emphasise with. And the script was excitingly frank at times whilst dealing with angst in a way which could never be described as cheese.

14.  Miss Jones and Son - ITV (Thames) - 1977 to 1978


Comedy has always been a useful tool for tackling social norms and taboos, so Miss Jones and Son presented an ideal opportunity to look at life as a single mother, a scenario which had barely been touched upon in previous sitcoms.

Elizabeth Jones (Paula Wilcox) - a book illustrator - has found herself manless (after her fiance hot-tailed it before their wedding) and having to bring up her son Roland all on her own. Set in Pimlico, Miss Jones and Son finds Elizabeth navigating the world of dating and the struggles of bringing up a baby alone.


Eventually, Elizabeth appears to find the ideal man in the shape of David (David Savile) - a fellow single parent and author - so she finally restores some sense of parity to her family needs. Paula Wilcox, with her rich sitcom pedigree, brings an intensely likeable performance to the party and the dialogue is a bright, breezy affair, but the doomed dating plots and social faux pas bonanzas of dinner parties all feels a little cliche.

Miss Jones and Son is a pleasant, diverting watch, but you can't help but want a little more substance to it. And, the main sticking point is that it fails to portray Elizabeth - and all the other single mothers out there - as a strong, independent woman. Instead, there's a strong emphasis on the importance of securing a man which speaks volumes about the era it aired in.

15. The Lady Is a Tramp - Channel 4 - 1983 to 1984


One of Channel 4's earliest original programmes -even earlier than Dream Stuffing -The Lady is a Tramp was written by Johnny Speight and starred the inimitable Patricia Hayes and Pat Coombes as grubby pair of down and outs.

Old Pat (Patricia Hayes) and Lanky Pat (Pat Coombes) - such affectionate monikers - are a couple of shambling vagrants who have spent years muddling their way from park bench to park bench in London. However, with their best years clearly behind them, they need to find a roof over their heads and, as luck would have it, they've stumbled across the luxury of an abandoned van in a yard. The local authorities, though, are less than keen with their presence and do their best to turf the two Pats out.

Airing in a period where homelessness was on the rise, The Lady is a Tramp is the type of keen observation that defines all of Johnny Speight's work such as Til Death Us Do Part (Warren Mitchell actually pops up in The Lady is a Tramp) and it's made all the more engaging thanks to the presence of Hayes and Coombes who were true legends of British TV.

Now, here comes the fun part, what do you consider to be the lesser known gems of female led sitcoms? Let me know below and perhaps we'll have a little debate...

One of ITV's most successful and long running shows, The Bill managed to clock up 2,400 episodes in its 27 year history of tackling crime in Sun Hill. And, given this long lifespan and some amazing writing, The Bill was able to drive its narrative with a fantastic array of characters who, for better or sometimes worse, engaged us and left us dreading the moment that those iconic patrolling feet would appear and signal the end of an episode.

Even several years on from the end of The Bill, these characters still feel fresh in our mind, so I decided to revisit what I consider to be 17 of the greatest characters from The Bill.

1. Jim Carver (Mark Wingett) - 1983 to 2005 & 2007


The original focal point of The Bill, Jim Carver starred in the 1983 pilot Woodentop and had a starring role in the series for 22 years, acting as one of the longest serving officers at Sun Hill and crucial in establishing the series' initial success

Starting off in uniform as part of his probation period, the fresh faced Carver steadily rose through the ranks at Sun Hill thanks to his determination and honesty. A man for whom injustice was completely abhorrent and an affront to everything he held dear, he eventually reached the rank of Detective Constable, but after working in CID for 12 years he was demoted to uniform.

It's a demotion which hit hard and his subsequent alcoholism was the first sign that he suffered from an addictive personality; once he completed his rehabilitation from alcohol, he replaced it with a gambling addiction. Now married to June Ackland - who helped him beat the drink - Carver ran up massive debts and June was forced out of retirement to raise funds.

Carver - after divorcing June - was transferred to Manchester in 2005, but made a brief return in 2007 for three episodes.

2. June Ackland (Trudie Goodwin) - 1983 to 2007


June Ackland's very first task in The Bill was to take the young, fledgling police officer Jim Carver under her wing in Woodentop in 1983.

An honest and caring copper, Ackland exuded empathy and sympathy for victims of crimes and her colleagues. Keen to resolve conflict in the station just as much as on the mean streets of Sun Hill, Ackland was always ready to step into any disputes to defuse any tension. She also managed to gain the respect of her peers by always wielding a firm authority and was far from a pushover despite by her kindly demeanour.

However, Ackland's private life was far from being calm and authoritative. Embarking on an affair with DCI Wray hinted at her troubles with forming relationships and this was further highlighted in her somewhat disastrous marriage to Jim Carver which was shortlived. One of her most bizarre storylines saw her being repeatedly manipulated by the insane PC Gabriel Kent (more about that later), but she weathered most storms and ultimately retired in 2007.

3. Frank Burnside (Christopher Ellison) - 1984 to 2000


Although, at first, only appearing in occasional episodes, Burnside made such an impression whenever he turned up that by 1988 he was established as a leading character and, with his wide boy antics and propensity for bending the law, it was the role that Christopher Ellison was born for.

Originally looked down on as a bent copper, when Burnside officially joined up with the Sun Hill team, it was revealed that he was always an inside man for Operation Countryman (an operation set up to weed out bent coppers). Despite an initially uncomfortable pairing with DS Ted Roach, the two soon developed a steady partnership and Burnside's brooding Cockney charm went into overdrive.

Burnside suddenly disappeared from Sun Hill in 1993 on a 'special assignment' before resurfacing in 1998 as the head of the Crime Operational Command Unit and occasionally collaborated with Sun Hill. There were further adventures for Burnside in the spin off series titled, not surprisingly, Burnside, but this only lasted one series before being cancelled.

4. Alfred "Tosh" Lines (Kevin Lloyd) - 1988 to 1998



Best known as Tosh, Alfred Lines was somewhat of a shambles of a police officer, but still proved to be incredibly popular with the viewers, thanks, in part, to the honesty and shortcomings of his character.

Just as likely to be found munching on a pie as he was to be arresting criminals, Tosh somehow managed to be a highly successful member of CID. However, due to his shambolic approach to life - his erratic Volvo was somewhat of a metaphor for his life - he never stood a chance of rising any further in the force, but seemed relatively cock a hoop to be where he was. Well liked by all and sundry at Sun Hill, Tosh was a real family man - with five children - and frequently put them before his career.

Sadly, in real life, Kevin Lloyd was an alcoholic and found himself sacked from The Bill due to turning up on set whilst under the influence. And, just a week after filming his last scenes for the series, Lloyd was dead following a stint in rehab.

5. Roy Galloway (John Salthouse) - 1983 to 1987


DI Galloway had reached his lofty position in the force whilst still relatively young - much to the chagrin of the older, yet subordinate DS Roach - but his grit and determination to nail the bad guys was more than enough to convince his superiors that he was the right man for the job.

It was a determination, however, that could leave Galloway severely hot headed and his frustration frequently boiled over, with his work colleagues taking the brunt of his rage. Whilst his dedication to the job is admirable and his passion for justice undeniable - just look at the snarling diatribe he unleashes on a porn director in an early episode - it's an attitude which alienates him from many of the officers at Sun Hill and, especially, his wife who later demands a divorce.

6. Dale "Smithy" Smith (Alex Walkinshaw) - 1999 to 2010


One of the later bona fide stars of The Bill - as it began morphing into much more of a soap opera - Smithy was a controversial character at times, but one who was fully immersed into the heart of drama at Sun Hill.

Accused of being both racist and homophobic on separate occasions - not helped by joining Gabriel Kent's 'Straight White Male Police Association' - Smithy had strong held beliefs and convictions which were both a help and a hindrance to his career in the Met. His strong arm approach saw him landed in hot water for 'encouraging' homeowners to take the law into their own hands (leading to a death) and his charms with the ladies found Smithy being framed for the murder of a gangster's moll following an affair with her

Finally, Smithy's behaviour and fortunes changed - despite being stabbed in 2009 - and Superintendent Meadows promoted him to Inspector.

7. Viv Martella (Nula Conwell) - 1984 to 1993


With an Italian heritage, Viv Martella brought a welcome dash of Mediterranean beauty to the streets of Sun Hill, but also had the nous to laugh in the face of the sexism she was frequently subjected to at the station. Try as hard as they could, but the chaps at Sun Hill just couldn't secure a date with Martella as, for her, work was purely work.

Martella's fiery nature - indicative of her Italian roots - meant that many police interviews she conducted descended into furious verbal attacks, but, if nothing else, it underlined her dedication to the job. In sharp contrast to this frustrated anger, though, Martella also possessed a huge heart and was the perfect officer to have on hand for a distressed victim.

Bowing out of The Bill in 1993, Martella met a tragic end whilst out on patrol with Tony Stamp. Attempting to move on a van which was illegally parked, Martella was fatally shot by what turned out to be a pair of gunmen and Sun Hill was plunged into mourning.

8. Dave Quinnan (Andrew Paul) - 1989 to 2002


Salt of the earth fellow Dave Quinnan was an ex-electrician who, after working as a sparky on Aberdeen oil rigs, made a sidestep into the force. A straightforward approach to police work saw him concentrating squarely on catching criminals and taking home a decent wage. Perhaps his humanistic qualities were lacking somewhat when it came to consoling victims, but he was more than capable of shifting gear into a full on Cockney charmer mode when necessary.

This wideboy persona, though, spelled trouble for Quinnan at times and this was most ably demonstrated by the breakdown of his marriage following an affair with PC Polly Page. He also found himself in potentially hot water whilst doing electrical work on the side, an activity which was strongly against work protocol.

However, whilst these were problems brought on by himself, Quinnan's career was truly rocked in 1999 when he was viciously attacked and stabbed by a gang of youths on the Jasmine Allen estate. Quinnan eventually returned to Sun Hill, though, even doing community work with some of the youths who attacked him. Quinnan left in 2002 to join covert operations squad SO10.

9. Samantha Nixon (Lisa Maxwell) - 2002 to 2009


Samantha Nixon came to Sun Hill with a weighty set of credentials behind her, not satisfied with one degree in psychology, she backs this up with a further degree in criminology. Originally, Nixon harboured dreams of becoming a criminal profiler, but this was never realised due to what she suspects was sexual discrimination.

Thanks to her academic background, she had a firm grasp of the criminal mind and this acted as an advantage in understanding and predicting the actions of those she was pursuing. However, this determination to understand everyone around her led, at times, to her fellow officers becoming highly guarded around her lest she read something into their behaviour.

Despite failing to fully endear herself to her peers, Nixon was a strong character who was able to forego social accomplishments and concentrate purely on her career. Nonetheless, still found herself struggling for recognition in a patriarchal police service. Not doing her case for promotion any favours, Nixon embarked on a series of internal feuds with Neil Manson and Phil Hunter to further ostracise herself at Sun Hill. 

Outside of the station, Nixon also had to deal with the antics of her errant daughter Abigail who, when she wasn't starting relationships with Sun Hill officers, was getting abducted by her mother's ex lovers. Again, this was a relationship tested by Nixon's propensity for concentrating on the mindset rather than the whole person, so it's no surprise that Abigail was such a rebellious young madam.

Nixon finally left Sun Hill in 2009 to join the child exploitation unit.

10. Ted Roach (Tony Scannell) - 1984 to 1993 & 2000


Making his debut in the second episode of The Bill, DS Ted Roach quickly established himself as a firm favourite with the viewers. An old fashioned copper, he enjoyed a glass of Scotch, was always keen to dust down his fighting gloves and wasn't averse to stepping outside the law to make progress.

Due to his unpredictable, maverick ways he was always going to struggle to rise up through the ranks of CID and this grated sorely for Roach.Forming an alliance with fellow maverick Burnside, though, meant that Roach certainly cleaned up in the arrests stakes. He was less keen on DC Mike Dashwood, though, who he dismissed as "a grammar school ponce" and Roach's short fuse ensured there was always an undercurrent of conflict in CID.

Roach's ultimate Achilles heel, of course, was women. Self assured in his ownership of the gift of the gab, his long list of girlfriends suggested he could certainly turn on his Irish charm, but was unable to maintain relationships. And the end of his tenure at Sun Hill came - in 1993 - following a drunken pub brawl over a woman, a brawl which his colleagues were called to. Roach then proceeded to hit Inspector Monroe - who he had never got on with - and departed Sun Hill.

This wasn't the last we saw of the lively Irishman, though, as he returned - now freelancing as a private detective - in an episode in 2000 to help Jim Carver with a murder case. The character was later killed off in 2004 in a car crash which occurred off-screen.

11. Polly Page (Lisa Geoghan) - 1992 to 2004


With a knowing twinkle set amongst her youthful eyes, Polly Page hailed from South London and was already familiar with the brand of villainy scurrying round the streets of Sun Hill. And this knowledge, combined with her eagerness to catch criminals, ensured she was a passionate bobby although she often put herself in danger thanks to her 'arrest at all costs' mindset. Driven by compassion, and with special training for rape cases, Page was the natural choice when a chaperone was required.

Despite concentrating more on the job than her love life, it was hinted that a great passion lurked within Polly - she's even rumoured to be a bit of a dominatrix behind closed doors. Oneday, her desire for love led her into the arms of PC Quinnan, the problem was that he was married. Once this affair fizzled out it plunged Page in to a personal crisis and she came close to taking her own life.

Following a year's sabbatical, Page returned to the force, but soon found herself sentenced for murder after helping a doctor commit euthanasia. Although she was eventually cleared on appeal and returned to Sun Hill, she was relegated to an uninspiring desk position as a CAD operator. Following a newspaper sting by a local journalist in 2004, Page decided to leave Sun Hill and start afresh in pastures new.

12. Bob Cryer (Eric Richard) - 1984 to 2001 & 2004


If ever there were a police officer you could set your watch by then it was Bob Cryer. Appearing in the very first episodes, Cryer was involved in the goings on at Sun Hill for 17 years.

Sergeant Cryer was a dependable officer of the law and acted very much as a father figure for the the staff at Sun Hill. Always to dispense wisdom garnered from the experience picked up in his lengthy stint in the Met (he joined up in 1970) - following a spell in the army with training in firearms - Cryer was well loved by all. Due to his upstanding nature, Cryer had serious issues with Burnside in the early series' of The Bill, but eventually had to admit he was wrong once Burnside's true involvement in Operation Countryman was revealed.

The world of policing had changed dramatically by the time the millennium came around and Cryer, with his aversion to computers, was beginning to feel like a relic of a bygone era. However, his unofficial position as a mentor for younger officers was still firmly in place. In particular, Cryer had plenty of time for Smithy - who had a similar army background - and encouraged the young officer's application to join firearms division SO19. Ironically, though, Smithy shot Cryer during a hostage situation and forced his early retirement in 2001.

Cryer returned to The Bill several times, sometimes for funerals and sometimes to help his niece Robbie Cryer who was now following in footsteps at Sun Hill. His final starring appearance came in 2004 when he reunited with Jack Meadows and Alec Peters to investigate the suspicious circumstances around Ted Roach's death.

13. Gabriel Kent (Todd Carty) - 2003 to 2005


Easily the most unhinged officer to ever work at Sun Hill, it's difficult to understand exactly how the psychopathic PC Gabriel Kent managed to slip through the Met's profiling processes. However, it's not that much of a surprise as psychopaths are sly buggers and will stop at nothing to succeed. And Kent's path to 'success' would be littered with nothing but tragedy and violence.

Originally adopting a persona which was a shining example of everything the law stood for, it soon became apparent that this was nothing but a duplicitous front. Enraged by the ignominy of not receiving all his parents' attention once they had adopted a baby (which was June Ackland's), Kent had grown up bitter and seeking revenge against Ackland.

Following an attack on Jim Carver with a vodka bottle over the head, Kent moved on to destroying Ackland's life. Starting a relationship with her, it emerged that, apparently, Kent was in fact the son which Ackland had put up for adoption. However, it was all part of Kent's meticulous deception and, at first, Ackland was devastated to discover she had committed incest. Kent, though, had a sudden change of heart and revealed his true background before bargaining a deal with Ackland to meet her actual son.

Whilst this smacked of psychopathy of the highest degree, Kent was to go much further with his twisted desires. Hiring an ex-Navy mate as a sniper, Kent gave the orders for several deaths in Sun Hill before letting the sniper fall to his death and take Kent's secrets with him. Still going strong, Kent also turned his attentions to PC Kerry Young who he became obsessed with and went on to rape; unable to have Kerry permanently, though, Kent used the sniper's rifle to murder her whilst she was in the arms of her lover, Smithy.

Eventually, though, Kent's crimes began to catch up with him and, with his arrest imminent, he jumped to his death off a block of flats in 2005 following a final punch up with Smithy.

14. Tony Stamp (Graham Cole) - 1987 to 2009

 
An affable, cheery Londoner, PC Tony Stamp trod the streets of Sun Hill for 20 years and was one of the most popular characters during the series' run.

Although he always had a smile on hand for his fellow officers and the public, he took his policing very seriously and thrived on the cut and thrust of working the beat. However, there was plenty over the years which could have easily wiped that smile off his face. He witnessed Viv Martella being shot dead, was accused of sexually harassing a young man and, most dramatically, was beaten within an inch of his life by a gang of vicious youths.

Stamp's relationship with Jim Carver was also a crucial narrative, particularly in later years. Despite a long standing friendship, Stamp and Carver found this strained when Carver married Marie Graham, a proposal which June Ackland had expected to receive. Stamp stood by their mutual friend Ackland, but it was later revealed the pair had slept together which enraged Carver. A year later, Stamp sped into Ackland whilst on patrol and she nearly died from cardiac arrest - whilst Ackland was in hospital, Stamp and Carver reconciled.

Leaving Sun Hill in 2009 to become an Advanced Driving Police Instructor, Stamp left behind a long legacy and many friends and fans. Stamp is also notable for fluffing his lines in the 2003 live special 'Fatal Consequences'.

15. Jack Meadows (Simon Rouse) - 1992 to 2010


DCI Jack Meadows (later promoted to Superintendent) joined The Bill in 1992 following his demotion from another force for which many of the Sun Hill officers believed to be corruption.

Initially taking charge of CID - much to the annoyance of Burnside who believed the position to be his - Meadows was abrupt in his ways, but highly shrewd in analysing those in front of him, be it criminals or officers. As a result, Meadows was a highly successful DCI and made for a fantastic leader, one that even won round the prickly Burnside in the end.

Cool and collected he may have been, Meadows wasn't immune from making mistakes. His dedication to the job resulted in his marriage of 28 years crumbling away before he embarked on a relationship with an escort who went on to have his child. Meadows was also held for the disastrous handling of Don Beech and was close to losing his job.

However, Meadows's stern resolve and popularity at the station allowed him to weather all these career threatening storms and was promoted to Superintendent in 2009. Finally putting all the rumours of corruption behind him, Meadows maintained his position until the end of the series.

16. Don Beech (Billy Murray) - 1995 - 2000 & 2004


DS Don Beech was a successful detective, but also one of Sun Hill's most deceptive and cunning employees as evidenced by his numerous misdemeanours.

Arriving in 1995, Beech set about demonstrating the type of underhand techniques that the Met believed to be long extinct. More than happy to collaborate with criminals and take backhanders, Beech had enough underground contacts to conjure up the most unexpected resources. The final push into criminality came when he lied in court to protect a gangland boss in return for £20,000. With suspicions raised, Beech was placed under investigation, but he had soon fled the country after killing DS Boulton.

Beech's on the run exploits were featured in the two spin off series'Beech on the Run and Beech is Back. Returning to The Bill in 2004, he was now imprisoned in Britain, but willing to work with Sun Hill in exchange for a transfer to a low security prison. In true Beech fashion, though, he made an escape during the transfer and was never seen again.

17. Reg Hollis (Jeff Stewart) - 1984 to 2008


How could I do a list of the greatest characters from The Bill and not include old Reg, one of the most loyal Sun Hill stalwarts?

A curious chap with a keen interest in trainspotting and model railways, Hollis is very much the eccentric loner of The Bill. Originally confined to desk duties, Hollis struggles to make many social connections with the other officers, but once he starts going on patrols with PC Des Taviner, Hollis becomes more sociable. Despite striking up a solid friendship with Taviner, it's Hollis who arrests him following his petrol bomb attack on the Sun Hill station.

Hollis' position as head moaner and professional bore at Sun Hill ensures that the majority of his tenure is spent as a singleton. However, love is in the air in the form of Front Desk Officer, Marilyn Chambers who is also a train enthusiast. Sadly, on the day that Des plans to propose to her, she dies in the 2005 Sun Hill fire leaving Reg heartbroken. He eventually left The Bill in 2008 following a terrorist bombing incident.

Having run for 27 years, this is, of course, only a handful of the amazing characters to pass through the doors of Sun Hill, so please let me know who else you fondly remember!

Genre: Drama
Channel: BBC2
Transmission: 18/09/1983 - 13/10/1983


We're frequently reminded about the good old days of the British Empire when Britain truly ruled the seven seas - a somewhat rose tinted view of an era where social hardship, sexual inequality and cholera was rife. However, it apparently put the Great in Great Britain - a viewpoint that the far right are keen to share - but that was all in the past and we've since been incredibly polite and British by handing back our 'empire' to its rightful owners.

If, however, you had been strolling around London during the mid to late 1800s - at the height of the British Empire - there's a good chance that you would have had one thing on your mind. Yes, avoiding cholera, but apart from that you would have been cock-a-hoop at the prospect of visiting London Zoo - the first world's first ever scientific zoo - and meeting all manner of curious and exotic beasts.

And, all these years later, over a million people a year still visit London Zoo which acts as a nice testament to the innovative visions of the Victorians. The Victorians, of course, are long since gone and, therefore, many of their achievements have been surpassed, but perhaps London Zoo could still remain as a tangible link to the glories of The Old Men at the Zoo.

Let's All Go to the Zoo

It's the first day at London Zoo for the new Secretary of the National Zoo, Simon Carter (Stuart Wilson), but he's not been there five minutes and he's already got his hands full. Smokey the giraffe has just killed one of the wardens by - and no man wants this - a swift, brutal kick to the testicles.Desperately seeking some form of moral, ethical response from those above him at the zoo, Simon finds himself running into a brick wall of self-centred obsession from zoo director Edwin Leacock (Maurice Denham).


Far too busy to concern himself with the ramifications of a sickly, but violent giraffe, Leacock is, instead, dreaming of the plaudits he hopes to receive following his upcoming TV lecture. And the focus of this lecture will be on the plans to move London Zoo's inventory to a national park. Eager to provide the real estate for this park is Lord Godmanchester (Robert Morley), president of the zoo and all round press magnate who understands the currency of propaganda like no other.

And, after all, as Godmanchester reflects "The public only really understand animals", so, with the threat of nuclear war looming on the horizon, shunting the symbolic animals out of the city should instill a desire for the public to follow suit. However, it's a very rushed and poorly co-ordinated move; the Welsh locals are attacked by animals which escape the derisory security, whilst Leacock's daughter is killed during what appears to be an act of bestiality in the forest with a dog.


Labelled a disaster, the animals are steadily ferried back to London Zoo, but Leacock is no longer in charge. Instead, mammal keeper (and the first man to capture a yeti), Sir Robert Falcon (Robert Urquhart) is promoted. Unfortunately, following his return from a self-imposed exile abroad, Falcon's plans for the zoo and his own behavior is wildly skewered by the power of running such a prestigious institution. With nuclear war edging ever closer, Falcon's developing madness is emblematic of the political problems engulfing Britain.

Despite all the chaos around him, Carter understands the importance of the zoo as a beacon of hope.However, Carter is continually hamstrung by the arrogance and pomposity of the squabbling old men around him. Refusing to be swept up in all this madness, and wise to the ongoing nuclear threat, reptile keeper Englander (Marius Goring) flees to Scotland with his unfashionable political views and leaves Carter to deal with a ranting Falcon as the first bombs drop.


Waking two years later, Carter has survived the nuclear attack thanks to London coming through relatively unscathed. However, as with the rest of the population, Carter has suffered injuries and now has cancer. Due to the breakdown of British society after the attacks, a new government is in place which smacks of facism and has Britain in its totalitarian grip. With Falcon perishing in the nuclear holocaust, Englander is now the zoo's director, but his is a brand of madness far removed from the ranting of Falcon and the delusions of Leacock.

Carter returns to his position as Secretary, but it's at a very different zoo in a very different London. Englander's 'Europe Day' finds the zoo transformed into a disturbing recreation of the Colosseum where so called criminals are caged and publicly harangued by lions. Carter's horror at this new landscape leads to him openly doubting the new regime, but it's a viewpoint which will see him landed in a concentration camp along with other subversives such as Mr Sanderson (Andrew Cruickshank) who previously served as head of the insect collection.


Britain (and Carter) have a bleak, oppressed future ahead of them, but will the resistance headed by Carter's wife Martha (Toria Fuller) bring about a more optimistic outlook for all?

Behind the Old Men

The Old Men at the Zoo was a five episode series which aired on BBC2 in autumn 1983 and was based on the 1961 novel of the same name by Angus Wilson. The novel was adapted by Troy Kennedy - writer of the first and last episodes of Z Cars and The Italian Job - who altered the narrative slightly by moving it into a 1990s landscape on the edge of nuclear war as opposed to Wilson's vision which was set in the 1970s with Europe on the brink of war.


The series aired, first, on Thursday evenings at 9.30pm and each 55 minute episode was then repeated the following Sunday at 9.35pm. A few days after the final episode aired, The Old Men at the Zoo was featured on BBC2 television review show Did You See...? The serial has not been repeated since and has never received a commercial release.

Feeding the Animals

I was searching for a copy of 1993's London Zoo documentary The Ark when I stumbled across a mention of The Old Men at the Zoo which combined drama, animals and a dose of post apocalyptic hell. Now, for some rather perverse reason, I can't get enough of post apocalyptic content and it's associated woes and hardships, so viewing The Old Men at the Zoo became a necessity.

However, despite the final episode (and about 10 minutes of the penultimate episode) revelling in a bleak, post apocalyptic landscape, the majority of The Old Men at the Zoo uses the threat of nuclear war as a despondent murmur in the background whilst the petty politics of the zoo take centre stage for what feels like an aeon.


And whilst there may be shades of Orwell in Wilson's use of London Zoo as a metaphor for the crumbling state of Britain, it's a rather unengaging and muddled device which severely tests your attention levels for a boredom inducing 4.75 episodes. Sure, things suddenly pick up, but the journey there is such a heavy booted trudge through banal allegories that you could easily be excused for bailing out.

Saying that, the final episode is quite fantastic. Bringing Angus Wilson's worst fears to life, episode five taps into that fear held by many in the 1930s that facism was going to rise to supremacy. And, with Englander now clad like one of the head honchos from the SS, The Old Men at the Zoo suddenly takes an intriguing side step into an examination of totalitarian hell which can thrive when a broken society desperately searches for leadership.


Therefore, we're treated to secret police factions exacting brutality and torture on so called subversives and, most disturbingly, a somewhat low rent (almost comical in its shoddyness) concentration camp. It's here that poor Mr Sanderson meets his end as part of a small scale genocide against subversives and Carter is imprisoned in shabby conditions for his deceit. Combined with the sickening Europe Day, the pre-war slaughter of the animals and that stomach churning moment as the bombs drop, there's salvation, in the end, for the serial's fortunes.

Sadly, the preceding episodes, though, have focussed far too sharply on the posturing arrogance of the old men at the zoo. Okay, Carter is a refreshing hero-like piece in the jigsaw, but even his role feels bogged down by the neverending advancement of the series' framework. It's a metaphor which could have been delivered much more succinctly in two and a half episodes. Personally, I'd like to have seen the script edited brutally and more of Simon's hardship once he awakes to Englander's rule.


One of the serial's saving graces, though, is the acting on display. Almost all of the lead actors inhabit their characters perfectly and bring their ticking nuances and peculiarities to the fore such as Godmanchester's desire for manipulation, Falcon's escalating madness and Englander's need to control and betray those around him. Stuart Wilson as Carter also has to come in for special praise due to the level of honesty and righteousness he delivers as the lone voice of reason and emotion, the true zoo keeper overlooking the unruly animals.

Worth a Visit?

With a plot sadly lacking in immediate action or thrust, The Old Men at the Zoo feels like you're wading through treacle until you suddenly stumble across the magnificent final. Reaching this point, however, feels like hard work and lacks all the genuine tension of Threads which built its terror and fear stealthily in the background before escalating suddenly and quickly hooking the viewer in emotionally.

The Old Men at the Zoo isn't Threads though, so it's a little unfair to compare as they're both striving for very different things. Ultimately, despite the fine acting and intriguing finale, The Old Men at the Zoo is a leaden attempt at post apocalyptic drama which fails to find its groove early enough to get the viewer on its side. And it most certainly doesn't call to mind the folly of Victorian achievement so, instead, I'd recommend an actual trip to London Zoo where, at the very worst, you'll get nipped by a gnu.

Last year, I decided to start hunting down old VHS tapes which people had recorded TV on over the years. My hope was to find some strange, and hopefully forgotten, TV shows which might make for some interesting watching. My first attempt at delving into a collection of random and unknown recordings wasn't particularly fruitful, but, for some inexplicable reason, I found trawling through the endless reams of ancient adverts and episodes of Sons and Daughters more than a bit enjoyable.

Since then, I've been donated two or three tapes which contained some specific shows I was looking for, but I was itching for another mammoth search through a load of old TDK and Memorex tapes.

And now, my friends, that day has rocked up in my driveway with almost the same levels of excitement as that day in 1985 when the man from Dixons came and set up our first ever VCR - a Ferguson Videostar.


Several weeks ago, I was contacted by someone who said they had several boxes of old VHS tapes I might be interested in. They'd received a VCR on their 18th birthday back in 1988 (please don't judge them on their age...) and had been making recordings on it up until the mid 00s. Now, as you can see from the picture above, there are many videos there and the owner couldn't remember the specifics of what's on them, but there should be soaps, comedy, continuity and plenty of adverts.

Hopefully, I should uncover some curious footage, but I won't know until I've gone through God knows how many hours of archived recordings. The last lot of tapes didn't take that long to skip through, but I didn't have a baby back then. And, I don't know if it's just my baby, but they seem to have absolutely no interest in dusty old VHS tapes and, instead, they find plenty of other things to keep my sensory systems busy with. So, yeah, by the time I've finished, I may actually look like the Scotch Skeleton.


Anyway, any interesting finds will be posted up on here or Twitter, so keep your eyes peeled.

And REMEMBER: I'm always interested in any old tapes - the older, the better - that might be cluttering up your lofts and cupboards, so get in touch if you've got something to donate. I'll always do you a copy and thank you in one of my books if it helps contribute towards one of them.

The latest edition in my series of guides on the more curious gems and oddities of British children's TV is now available on Amazon for the bargain price of 99p - that's cheaper than anything you'll find in Poundland, yet offers infinitely more value than a refurbished Chris De Burgh CD.

Now, why exactly have I started writing these books? Obviously, this website acts as a fairly useful mouthpiece for me to communicate my love of retro British television, but I wanted to do something a little different to run alongside it. What could I do though? Hmmm, well, what really inspired my love of British TV history?

And you know what it was? Petty crime.


Yes, that's right, I'm a criminal in the eyes of the law, because back in 1997 I borrowed the quite amazing 'Guinness Book of Classic British TV' from the local mobile library and NEVER returned it. Remember, this was back in an age when the internet was a strange digital beast that you were lucky to catch a glimpse of. Therefore, this book and it's incredible depth of knowledge was a rare gateway into a world of TV nostalgia. And I think this why the local council never even sent me as much as an overdue notice, they had the foresight to see where it was leading.

So, at the start of 2016, I decided to start releasing mini guides in homage to this wonderful book by Paul Cornell, Martin Day and Keith Topping, my front covers even owe a heavy debt to the colour scheme of the Guinness book. Obviously, I had a wealth of material on my blog, but some of the earlier blogs I wrote were a little on the hoof and lacked detail. So, although it meant starting from scratch again, I decided to rewrite them with a little more clarity and probing insight.

Now, these e-books are rather short in length and, accordingly, the writing doesn't take that long. However, the research takes a LOT of time. Obviously, I have to watch the TV shows (which sometimes involves heading down to the BFI Archive in London) and then I have to look into their backgrounds by flicking through old copies of the Radio Times, newspaper archives and the occasional trip to the BFI Reuben library. Luckily, I find all of this incredibly fun and the thrill of discovering a long forgotten fact is like catnip to me.

Most of all, though, I love tracking down the people involved with these shows and interviewing them to get first hand insights into the production and stories behind the shows. And, sometimes, this involves chatting to people who absolutely lit up my childhood such as Mike Amatt or Tony Robinson - a fact that would absolutely melt the mind of the three year old me. Sadly, I can't always secure interviews as, due the age of some of these shows, the people behind them are no longer with us. Nonetheless, you would be surprised at the number of people who, forty years on, are still fully immersed in the world of British TV.

And that's the story behind them. The latest one has a few exclusives in terms of interviews and even a number of shows which have never been covered on here. Now that this one is complete, I'm going to take a microscopic break before compiling the first two volumes on British children's TV into an actual physical book that you can read on the bus or even on the toilet; there's going to be an additional five shows featured, so it's going to be pretty special. Following that, I'm going to start working on volume 2 of my books on British TV comedy, so the future's bright, but the past, quite obviously is much brighter.