Curious British Telly

You see them TV archives over at all the major broadcasters? Yeah, there's a right load of gold in them thar hills in the form of unbelievably good TV, but most of it lays there like an unwanted jumper on a hot July day.

And, yeah, we suppose a lot of this suppression is down to tediously complex legal issues and *whisper it, children* even a general lack of interest in shows that people can't remember for toffee.

But what about the art and the beauty of these majestically constructed shows? Don't that count for nothing no more?! No, it bloody don't and the capitalist brutes in charge of publishing don't give a damn about nothing more than cold hard cash. That's why there's so many fitness DVDs out there by them birds off Hollyoaks.

It's a completely unacceptable injustice because, after all, surely the DVD market should be dictated to by some nerd and his niche taste in retro tellywaves, right?!

Gah!

Anyway, here's our pick for the 5 retro TV shows which deserve a DVD release.

1. Johnny Jarvis

Johnny Jarvis, right, is a show that has suffered complete ignominy when it comes to being celebrated. You see, it was shown way back in 1983 and then...

NOTHING!

No repeats, no VHS release and there certainly ain't been no DVD release, neither. And this infuriates us no end as it's bleeding amazing!

Johnny Jarvis taps powerfully into the source of adolescent alienation all whilst being played out against the harsh backdrop of Thatcher's Britain. It's a show haunted by drugs, unemployment, depression, racism and bullying - everything that gave the 80s its gritty edge and is completely absent from our beautiful, peaceful contemporary society.

And there's a big audience just waiting to devour a DVD release of the show. We're yet to come across a fellow who don't think it's the finest thing since sliced bread. Don't get us started on the theme tune, either, as we'll get it stuck in our heads for another fortnight.

Sure, you can get hold of murky copies of the show if you look hard enough, but c'mon, BBC, pull your finger out and give us a decent copy to watch through out eyelets.

2. Old Boy Network

We discovered Old Boy Networka few months ago and we'd be lying if we said it didn't captivate usand take a special place in our beating hearts for eternity.

Not only is there Tom Conti in sublime form there's also cracking scripts from those trusted pensmiths Clement and La Frenais. And the majesty just keeps on coming with a handful of drop dead gorgeous females in strong roles - a sure fire way to gain the tick of approval in the Curious British Telly household.

It's not very well remembered, though, since its 1992 airing and, as a result, it's a barely a footnote in Conti's or Clement and La Frenais' careers which is a bloody shame. You see, it's packed full of charm, treachery, suspense and, most importantly, plenty of giggles.

Network DVD need to take note of our pleas and get it in their release schedule as a matter of urgency!

3. Asylum

Who's that Simon Pegg fella? You ever heard of him?

YES, OF COURSE WE HAVE!

But way back in 1996 we didn't really have a clue who this curious Gloucestershire chappie was. However, it was in this timescape that he first started grabbing a few people's attention with his psych-com Asylum.

Simon Pegg's a humble pizza delivery boy who's gone and got himself into a bit of bother by getting banged up in Dr Lovett's (Norman Lovett)asylum. He only went to deliver a pizza, just can't get the breaks can he? Anyway, Pegg finds himself at the centre of a bizarre experiment to reprogram peoples identities, the bloody sadist!

However, there's still room for a right royal helping of hilarious antics, so don't despair!

Being on the Paramount Channel it only attracted a small, cult audience, but Asylum is an important curio for British comedy which should never be ignored. Remember that influential TV show Spaced? Well this was put together by the same successful triumvirate of Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright and Jessica Stevenson.

And what did Pegg and Wright go on to do together? Oh yeah, that's it! They trounced the bleeding box office all over the world with the Cornetto trilogy.

The initial seeds were sewn in Asylum and, you know, it's actually pretty funny and packed full of up and coming comedians such as Bill Bailey, David Walliams and John Moloney, so we feel like it's time to discharge this from the Paramount vaults and out into the ether.

4. Conjugal Rites

Ah, good old Conjugal Rites! There was a sitcom which we lived for back in the mid 90s! And it wasn't just us, up to 10 million people tuned in to watch the strained marriage of Gen (Gwen Taylor) and Barry (Michael Williams).

Despite this popularity at the time it seems to have taken a bit of a kicking since its tellywaves were first broadcast. God knows why as we've caught up with it in recent years and found that the accusations being levelled at is as being a stereotypical middle class are nothing short of scandalous, m'lud!

Look past the light and fluffy somewhat suburban setting and you'll discover that the pain in that relationship runs deep, man! The level of despair hanging over Gen and Barry's marriage has been induced by several antagonists such as missed opportunities, potential affairs and trying to figure out what to do with the infirm, but randy Grandad (Alan MacNaughton).

Will the pair find happiness together? Or apart? That's the question that kept everyone on the edge of their seats.

Strangely, for a show that was so popular relatively recently, there's little footage out there. 5 episodes from series 1 are floating about, but they're very poor quality. We've got hold of a decent copy of the first episode, but that's it.

Given the original success of the show it's surely only a matter of time before Network DVD release it, right?

Well we emailed them a while back and they said they had no plans to release it any time soon. Brutes.

5. The Mad Death

We love dogs, but we don't fancy being bitten by them. Especially if they've got RABIES!

Oh, blimey! Rabies, eh?! We don't want none of that over here! Quick, board up the Channel Tunnel for them Frenchies wanna send us all mad!

Life's not quite as bad as that, but we got a quick look through a similar lens with terrifying serial The Mad Deathback in 1983. And, boy oh boy, was it one helluva bleak look at what could happen if some pesky canines brought their infected saliva to our precious bloodstreams.

Are there deaths? Sure, loads! Are there crazy women? Yes, a couple! Is there panic on the streets? You betcha, baby!

And you can't help but get sucked into the whole thing because WHAT IF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?! WHAT WOULD YOU DO?! COULD YOU SHOOT THE BLUE PETER DOG IF NEED BE?!

But is it out on DVD? NO! Although, there was a VHS release way back in ancient times, so someone, in a position of power, at some point, thought it was an ace idea to get it out amongst the public for keeps. Said VHS, though, is nigh on impossible to find now.

The Mad Death certainly isn't as bleak or disturbing as Threads (thankfully out on DVD), but it's another fascinating excursion into the fear and paranoia building up in the public subconscious back in the 1980s. This time capsule value, alone, ensures it deserves a DVD release.

So, there we have it, those are our 5 top picks that we want to see nestling on the shelves/webpages of all major DVD retailers. Whether we'll ever see them is difficult to tell, but we have faith that the retro telly gods will make it so.

Let us know in the comments below which shows you'd love to get an official DVD release!

Genre:Sitcom
Channel:BBC1
Transmission: 24/05/1966 - 26/03/1968

Reg Varney, now there was a salt of the earth fellow and perhaps best known for being the first ever human man person to use an ATM in the entire world. He also did some sitcom about buses as well. At least that's what we learned at school.

But, lo and behold, he only went and did a few more things with his spell on good old planet Earth! And one of them was a sitcom from them crazy old black and white days called Beggar My Neighbour.

Oooh! Black and white! You don't see much of that on Curious British Telly!

And that's why it's the perfect time to get all monochromatic-sixties-groovy-baby with Beggar My Neighbour.

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours!

Harry Butt (Reg Varney) is your everyday typical cockney sparrow type chap who just happens to be a plumber on a nice little earner due to the overtime he sticks his backside into. He sounds quite a catch, don't he? And it's these attractive qualities which have ensnared him the loving attention of Lana Butt (Pat Coombs).

They live a delightful life with all the mod cons (on tick, mind you) that life has to offer in sunny Muswell Hill. However, in a cruel twist of essential sitcom planning, they're only living next door to Lana's sister, Rose Garvey (June Whitfield) and her husband Gerald (Peter Jones / Desmond Walter Ellis).

And the Garvey's life ain't half as sweet as The Butt's. Gerald, you see, despite being mildly more academic than Harry is stranded in a poorly paid office executive job and don't bring in nowhere near as much moolah. Gerald, though, with a rich streak of English snobbery coursing through his veins is insistent on keeping up appearances with their more affluent neighbours.

Moving In

Beggar My Neighbour started off life in the sitcom birthing pool known as Comedy Playhouse way back in 1966. BBC bods were so enthralled with this tale of urban social strife and class warfare that they willingly flung open the doors of the schedules and demanded a damn series!

Writing the series were Ken Hoare and Mike Sharland, both of whom were busy contemporary writers of the day and crafted several sitcoms together such as Mr Digby, Darling and Turnbull's Finest Half Hour.

One of the most glaring production issues was that Peter Jones left the series after the first series. Quite why this happened is a mystery as a quick scan of his resumé doesn't reveal any roles bigger than this around the same time. However, Desmond Water Ellis was brought in to become his replacement and barely anyone batted an eyelid.

There were 23 episodes in total - across three series and the pilot - and all ran to that beloved British sitcom duration of 30 minutes. Episodes were transmitted in the 7.30pm slot on BBC1 and the series received just one solitary repeat in 1969 as part of the Comedy Choices series. There was also a short Christmas special in 1968 for Christmas Night with the Stars.

Sadly, as with many of its comrades, Beggar My Neighbour fell prey to the wild film junking of the day and only episode two from the first series and the entirety of the second series remains in the archives. At least two of the series two episodes are floating around as bootlegs.

And a bonus bit of info is that Jon Pertwee popped up in an episode.

Keeping up with the Joneses

We've been pretty damn guilty at Curious British Telly of ignoring anything prior to the 1970s. A lot of it is to do with the fear of not understanding these ancient tellywaves and, perhaps, being intimidate by our ability to cut deep down into the DNA of these shows.

However, when the chance came to get our sweaty hands on some episodes of Beggar My Neighbour came a calling we couldn't say no. Besides, we've always loved that infectiously cheerful Reg Varney chap, so we arranged a quick DVD trade and were soon marvelling at some black and white pixels.

And, yeah, it's fair to say that the sixties sitcom vibe is absolutely ingrained in the show's soul like the spilt sherry on the Butts' cocktail cabinet.

There's the perennial sitcom character The Vicar coming round to pay a visit, scenes end with either a withering or jolly stab of brass music depending on the character's moods, class based hijinks run amok and the sets are cheap and basic. All it needs to be complete is for a pop band to burst in and play one of them toppermost of the poppermost songs.

And it was these clichés which troubled us as we began viewing the first episode, but you know what, you don't need to worry as it's a pretty damn good stab in the guts at the old sitcom genre.

Reg Varney's on sparkling Cockney form here and you can't help but love him whenever he strolls into shot and surely he must have been in David Jason's mind when planning the Del Boy character. Then there's dear old Pat Coombs (who we only previously knew from Ragdolly Anna) who puts in a lively performance, but hasn't had the strongest character developed for her, so is fairly forgettable in terms of plot beats.

June Whitfield - here looking like a curvy 60s saucepot - manages to and presents a content loggerhead for Desmond Water Ellis (we suspect Peter Jones too, but we ain't seen his performance), but she's lacking a unique character - much like Pat Coombs - which counted against the writers yet again. Just because they're female it doesn't mean you turn them into background props, lads!

Desmond Water Ellis is a great character, but we found his acting hard work at times. His voice sounds as though it's struggling through tarmac at times and's nowhere near as zippy as the other characters.

Plots are pretty standard stuff for the time and mostly based around Gerald Garvey's ill thought out ideas and desperate attempts to climb up that peculiarly British social ladder. However, the scripts are above average for the era and we found ourselves chuckling several times throughout the two episodes we watched. The dialogue's sharp and the dynamic between the cast helps take this up a level. And there's not many ancient sitcoms we can say that about.

Neighbours from Hell?

You know what? We enjoyed Beggar My Neighbour a helluva lot more than we thought we would.

Sure, it's not got the pathos of Hancock, the characters are nowhere near as richly drawn as in Dad's Army and there's certainly not the hilarity of Steptoe and Son, but it's a decent family sitcom which leaves you satisfied and not wanting to boot the TV screen in frustration.

Although we won't be launching an archive TV heist in order to liberate the existing episodes we'd certainly part with a few pennies if the BBC ever deign to release them on DVD.

Seek it out, people!

Genre: Drama
Channel: BBC1
Transmission: 02/11/1988 - 14/12/1988

If you've ever spent more than a millisecond living and working in an urban environment then we'd bet our bottom shilling that you ain't half fantasised about a more pastoral existence.

You see, the countryside - to us city folk - exudes nothing but a sense of serenity and low blood pressure. And no one wants to be having a heart attack surrounded by smog and ever spiralling crime statistics. Mind you, we ain't one to judge, so if that's your bag, more power to ya!

However, some people do end up thinking "Screw this city living for a game of soldiers!" before getting off their behinds and vamooshing straight to the rolling hills of the countrysideland.

And that's exactly what Detective Sergeant Rockliffe went and done in Rockliffe's Folly.

Local Bobby

After all them exploits in the big smoke of Rockliffe's Babiesold Rockliffe has decided he wants to view the beautiful beaches of Thomas Hardy's Wessex instead of the gritty, claustrophobic streets of North London.

And it's in the relatively quiet town of Maidenport that Rockliffe believes he'll find his lungs getting cleaner by the day and the scourge of fighting drug dealers in grotty squats becoming just a distant memory.

But crime's crime, friends, and it's going to infiltrate every nook and cranny, so Rockliffe ain't just going to be sat in his office analyzing parking violations.

No, dearie, in fact there's going to be murders, blackmail and even some good old fashioned burglaring.

Pushing the Paperwork

Rockliffe's Babies had finished airing in March 1988, but, quite inexplicably, the BBC decided to give the kibosh to the entire force apart from Rockliffe and then transport him to Wessex.

Such an extreme makeover to a ratings winner caused rather a bit ofconsternation amongst cast and crew with one insider reckoning that the BBC were running scared of upcoming violence guidelines.

Anyway, there were 7 episodes of Rockliffe's Folly which were around 50 minutes each and were beamed out to the nation on Wednesday evenings at 8pm. The series was only shown once on terrestrial TV, but it received at least one repeat in the mid 00s on UKTV Drama.

The series was set in Wessex (a now fictional county), but the majority of filming took place in Dorset with Weymouth the real location of Maidenport.

A myriad of writers contributed scripts to the series and one of these was by series creator Richard Keefe.

Thanks to the fairly recent repeats on UKTV Drama, it's pretty easy to bag yourself a copy of the entire series on DVD.

Back on the Beat

Although Babies wasn't perfect, we certainly enjoyed the grit and grime of 80s London as the fledgling detectives strived to match the talents of Rockliffe.

And Rockliffe himself was of particular interest with his old school ways and rising temper. So, you'd think that we'd be tickled pink to have a bit more Rockliffe.

However, from the opening title sequence where Rockliffe drives through lush countryside with classical music playing you know you're gonna have a different kettle of fish on your hands. It's in stark contrast to Babies where the opening sequence saw a police car flying over the Westway as a nightmarish child chorus sang of social unrest.

Now, Ian Hogg's a perfectly fine actor, but the frailties of the character shine through here when you're exposed to so much Rockliffe. We're exposed to hints of charm and he's still capable of flying off the handle, but we learn very little about the man over the course of each episode.

And concentrating solely on Rockliffe weren't the greatest of moves. Sure, he was entertaining in small doses in Babies but without a strong supporting cast he's just not that interesting enough.

Yeah, he's got a station behind him, but they're pretty much shoved into the background apart from Sgt Rachel Osborne (Carole Nimmons) - even then she's only given a few scenes here and there to give the plot a bit of an expositional push.

What Rockliffe needs here is some type of sidekick. A Lewis to his Morse. Someone to bounce ideas off and bring a little humour to the proceedings.

The plots, well, they're fairly standard fare for a rural police drama, but many of them fall into the mundane category. The episode with the blind farmer gets quite dark and depressing at times, but aside from this the show struggles to have the impact that Babies did when taking on all types of urban strife e.g drugs and racism. Yeah, we know, these have never existed in the countryside...

Down to the Cells

We were pretty disappointed by Rockliffe's Folly after the entertaining Babies, but to be honest we dreaded the worst from the get go.

Replacing the edgy energy of London's sprawling streets for the sedate winding streets of Maidenport is far too big a change. London's melting pot of communities made for some great dynamics between characters, but here in sleepy Wessex it's either middle class toffs or bumpkins.

The series just about merits watching on a lazy Sunday evening, but it's a thrills free experience and only one for completists of the Rockliffe myth.

Genre: Children's
Channel: BBC1
Transmission: 14/11/1991 - 19/12/1991

Oh, children, you tiny little people, you certainly encumber us adults with your precarious antics and devil may care attitudes!

But you know what? Sometimes it's these traits which are the only attributes capable of giving the bad guys a swift old boot in the family jewels.

Adults, of course, find that their lineaments are too predisposed to sense and logic, so they flounder in the face of an evil they can't rationalise.

So thank the Lord, the Lord almighty himself, that them little guys are out there and willing to risk their mini limbs for the greater good. And if you want some definitive proof of this fact then just tune into the sensational tellywaves known as Dark Season.

Who's That Dodgy Fella in the Shades?

Tom (Ben Chandler) and Reet (Kate Winslet) are both fifth years (year 11), but they've only and committed a cardinal sin of secondary school by being mates with a third year (year 9) in the form of curly haired misfit Marcie (Victoria Lambert).

Thankfully, though, this 'cross-generational'friendship's only gonna go and save the entire planet.

You see, the sinister Mr Eldritch (Grant Parsons) - who's all dark overcoats, dark shades and bleach blonde hair - has got a particularly heinous plan up his sleeve.

But what's this crime?!

He's donating computers to all the kids at the local school!

Yeah, on the face of it we suppose he sounds like a bit of a philanthropist, but believe us he's a right wrong 'un! Because his middle name ain't charity, it's megalomaniac. Probably.

And it's with these computers and a particularly devilish program called Symbiosis that he's planning to leach off the children's energies to make himself more powerful than anyone could ever imagine. He's already enslaved one of the pupils, stereotypical swot Olivia (Samantha Cahill) to test his modus operandi and it's gone like clockwork.

Problem is that Eldritch needs to locate Professor Polzinski - creator of Symbiosis - to fully put his chilling plan into action.

Oh, and with all this power he's planning to destroy the entire planet through unregulated chaos. The scamp!

But Marcie, Reet and Tom ain't gonna stand for this. Even if their teacher, Miss Maitland (Brigit Forsyth) keeps rolling her eyes at their crazy stories of Eldritch's planned world domination.

And that's only the first half of the series. There's a different second half. All modern and forwards looking is Dark Season.

Yes, the second half centres on an equally barking mad antagonist in the form of Miss Pendragon (Jacqueline Pearce) who's got Nazi sensibilities and is looking to dig up her beloved Behemoth weapons system to conquer the world.

Obviously, Marcie, Reet and Tom have got a bit of form in battling arch nutcases such as this, so they take it upon themselves to save the world yet again.

But is there a higher power manipulating Miss Pendragon?

Behind the Darkness

The tellywaves of Dark Season were broadcast in late 1991 on BBC1 in the CBBC 4.35pm slot on Thursdays. Each episode was then repeated on the following Sunday morning.

And who was the man behind the scripts? Oh it was just some up and coming writer going by the name of Russell T Davies - you might have heard of him, he rebooted some show about doctors.

The man in charge of wringing every last drop of talent out of the young actors was director Colin Cant who had already directed Grange Hill, The Machine Gunners and Moondial, so he came to Dark Season well seasoned when it came to dealing with those tiny actors known as child actors.

Dark Season was repeated in 1994 and then, in a highly unanticipated and noncommercial move,a further repeat followed in 2002.

Viewing figures were damn respectable and averaged just under the 4 million mark over the series.

A DVD release finally emerged blinking into the light in 2006, but this is now out of print. Supposed 'new' copies are on Amazon for extortionate amounts, but you can pick up more reasonably priced used copies on Ebay. Or you can just jog on over to YouTube where the whole affair is available.

The Doctor Who Element

Now, we're gonna have a little section here which investigates the flighty claims that Dark Season was Russell T Davies attempt at writing not just an original children's TV drama, but, in fact, a thinly veiled take on Doctor Who which had been sent to Coventry just a few years previous.

There's a lot of debate about this theory, so let's put on our investigating trousers and look at these curious claims.

Russell T Davies had first shown an interest in Doctor Who back in 1987 when he submitted a spec script to Andrew Cartmel for the time travelly show. The script was rejected and old Russell would have to wait nearly 20 years until he got his name on a Doctor Who script. Now, this certainly shows Russell had an interest in Doctor Who, but we imagine that there were a LOT of spec scripts being delivered by all manner of writers at the time.

There are also many parallels between the characters of Dark Season and Doctor Who, well, there's mainly one big one and that's Marcie's similarity to Sylvester McCoy's Doctor. And, yeah, you know, we guess she's kinda eccentric and packed full of idiosyncrasies, but perhaps less self assured than the Doctor. Victoria Lambert, herself, has actually claimed that she actually took more inspiration from the Mad Hatter than Doctor Who [1].

Reet and Tom are also postulated to be the stereotypical companions to Marcie's Doctor, but to be honest they're just like the sidekicks of any hero. And the concepts of supporting cast members asking questions to push the plot along and cause all sorts of jeopardy weren't trademarked by Doctor Who now were they?!

The number of people involved in Dark Season who had previously worked on Doctor Who has also contributed to the general Who rumours, but frankly, mate, this is early 90s BBC here and the incestuous nature of cast and crew is hardly indicative of anything more than a limited gene pool.

Russell T Davies, himself, has scotched the whole theory and claimed he was just trying to create a unique drama for the kids. Certain elements of Dark Season were recycled into a number of new era Doctor Who stories, but Davies would hardly be the first writer to have ever delved into their past for inspiration. And if the shoe fits, why the hell not stick it in a script 14 years later?

One aspect that isn't mentioned much, though, is the opening and closing credits which feature a swirly vortex thing which immediately made us think "Hang on! That's all a bit Dr Who opening credits". Maybe it's a time tunnel, could be, but we don't know for sure, looks a bit too flamey!

We can't deny there's some resemblance to Doctor Who in Dark Season, but we think many of these are down to coincidence or, simply, the mechanics of storytelling. And, finally, if we hadn't been made aware of all these similarities - prior to watching - we doubt we would have noticed any of them.

The Dark Season Descends

Someone emailed us a while back asking whether we knew the name of a TV show where an evil villain was planning to infiltrate schools with computers, but it most definitely was not The Demon Headmaster. This bloke's got himself in a right two and eight we thoughted because it has to be The Demon Headmaster!

But, not for the first time in our dramatic career we was wrong! After a quick bit of research in that old Googlepaedia we found out that it must be Dark Season he was reminiscing about.

And, crikey, this yarn sounded dead peculiar, so we had to get ourselves embroiled and entangled in the show's very life force.

Let's take a glance at them characters first of all to see exactly how we can pigeonhole and interpret these peppy and buoyant chaps and chappettes.

Marcie's pretty central to the whole shindig, so let's turn our peepers on this inquisitive little madam. We've already rattled on about how she shares certain characteristics with Doctor Who, but she's truly unique in our eyes. Sure, she's a bit highly strung at times and that paddle she carries round is highly contrived, but she's a great protagonist with wisdom beyond her years. And this is all thanks to watching a lot of TV so she reckons.

Reet and Tom are likeable characters and do their bit to save the day and help pose questions to Marcie, but sometimes we got the feeling they were a little too similar and perhaps one companion to Marcie would have been better. However, it's a kids show and kids thrive on the camaraderie of gangs, so we'll let this one slide in the name of vitality.

And Christ on a bike, that Eldritch, he's a bleeding amalgamation of sinister nightmares and wickedness, ain't he. And the beauty is that we hardly learn a single damn iota about him. Who is he? Where's he come from? Was he bullied as a child? Was he even a child or was he grown in a lab? All we know is that he exudes evil and is absolutely bonkers.

Miss Maitland's an interesting sort due to the way she evolves over the series from a disbelieving caterpillar into a forthright and determined butterfly. She's probably the only adult ally that Marcie, Reet and Tom have, so she's integral to the plot even if, at first, it's just acting as their personal chauffeur. She comes up trumps in the end, though, with a trenchant blow to the bad guys' particulars.

But she's not the only Miss who deserves a forensic analysis as waiting in the second half of Dark Season is Miss Pendragon. Now, she's another one of those villains in the mould of Eldritch - stark raving mad and hellbent on power. So it's no surprise that she holds up Nazism as a fantastic way to get ahead. Just what Marcie, Reet and Tom need on their plates!

All these amazing characters, though, will be a complete waste of time if the acting ain't up to scratch. Thankfully, by a divine stroke of luck from the telly gods, the acting is GREAT.

We all know, of course, that Kate Winslet went on to have a successful Hollywood career - all thanks to some unbelievable story about a boat - but she's not actually the stand out here. Mind you, she's only 15, but that's by the by.

It is, in fact, Victoria Lambert and Grant Parsons who really stood out to our scrutising glare. Lambert, as Marcie, delivers buckets of determination and has that slightly cocky demeanour to help put all the adults in their place by delivering her wry lines just perfectly. And Parsons inhabits Eldritch like he himself is a complete nutjob - he reminded us of Richard E Grant at his manic best. Lambert, like many child actors, however never acted again after Dark Season and Parsons left the stage for a career as an agent.

Brigit Forsyth looks absolutely amazing here as a 50 year old and even more attractive than in her 1970s pomp. Nearly twenty years on from Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads and her acting has matured gracefully as well. Jacqueline Pearce - for whom sci-fi is almost a second home - brings a suitably unhinged and almost possessed performance as Miss Pendragon where the self belief and arrogance is flowing through her every sinew almost to the point of ecstasy.

Winslet, yeah, she's pretty good here, but still learning her craft. She's capable of a deep and penetrating glare here which says a thousand words, but maybe her command of dialogue still needed a bit of polish at this point. Ben Chandler plays the slightly slower companion with a comic zeal and had a promising career in comedy acting ahead of him, but sadly Dark Season was his final TV appearance.

All these perfomances are helped by the sparkling dialogue that Russell T Davies is now renowned for. For a children's TV show the dialogues clever, self referential and, more importantly, capable of pulling a laugh out of grim and strenuous circumstances. It's a delight to listen to and Davies probably had a real hoot writing it.

So, we've got great characters, weighty performances and a fizzy script. But what about the plot?

It's another two thumbs up from us.

What we loved about it the most is the fact that Davies has crowbarred two practically unrelated stories into one series. And by creating 3 episode stories there's absolutely no time to catch your breath and, crucially, no filler. We won't give any spoilers away, but each story arc has a couple of fiendishly brilliant twists that you cannot see coming until the very last second. Davies, you old scoundrel, we salute you!

And, finally, we really loved the direction at play here. Instead of the standard 'point the camera at the action' we're treated to the whole gamut of camera angles from bird's eye, worm's eye, dutch angles and close ups to create a real sense of urgency and tension throughout the series.

Oh, one more final thing, what the hell's going on with the fashion at the school? Almost everyone is wearing some bizarre combination of pastel colours and many of the lads are wearing colourful boots? We know it's the early 90s, but it's quite a fashion disaster at times!

Final Thoughts

No doubt you've come to the conclusion that our uninterrupted stream of gushing means we loved Dark Season. And, yes, we bloody loved it!

It's an ingeniously clever show which demonstrates the might of children in the face of adversity and, even as an adult, we'd be more than willing to watch a showstopper of Marcie's might. Screw adults, they're simply not funny or adaptable enough judging by this!

Dark Season has got pretty much everything going for it. Sparking dialogue, well thought out characters, great acting and surprise after surprise. It's not as well known as other children's dramas, but we suspect this is due to it's one series wonder status. Indeed the only tragedy about Dark Season is that they didn't do any more.

References:
[1] http://www.xanderly.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/marcie.htm

There's plenty of successful British TV shows out there at the moment; you only have to take a look at the boundless spread round the globe of Sherlock, Downton Abbey and Call the Midwife for evidence of this.

But as entertaining and engaging as these shows are they're yet to truly move us in the way that art (and TV's the most modern and accessible of all arts) is capable of.

Sometimes you need reminding of what it is to be human and the fragility of our emotions and capability for making sense of this crazy world we footle about in.

And, sadly, this impact on the sensory receptors associated with our heart and soul has been missing for a long time.

But then 2015 happened and everything changed with two episodes of British TV so packed full of emotion and delivered like a sledgehammer to our spirit that we could barely move for days afterwards.

Let's take a look at what these were and just why they were so devastatingly sublime and able to transcend the usual telly watching experience.

1. Inside No. 9 - The 12 Days of Christine

That Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith are a right couple of sorts, ain't they? From The League of Gentlemen to Psychoville they've always managed to conjure up a mercurial combination of laughs and human suffering.

But with Inside No.9 they took this alliance of emotions to a whole new level. And one episode in particular - The 12 Days of Christine - burst through our beloved Smart TVs, through the roof and up into the stratosphere where even St Peter had to say "Look here, lads, this is my jurisdiction, so hop it!"

The 12 Days of Christine, you see, was a gut-wrenching, bewildering and disturbing view of life through the beautiful (see her dressed up as a naughty nun for evidence) eyes of Sheridan Smith as Christine. At first, of course, she appeared to be living nothing more than the quintessential twentysomething lifestyle with romance and family invading her habitat.

However, it soon became apparent that something in this narrative weren't quite what it should be. Eggs were mysteriously smashing on the wall (never a good sign), whilst a hooded, evil figure appeared to be trying to kidnap her beloved son, Jack. Christine, obviously, felt as though she was having some type of brainal meltdown and desperately tried to snatch her life back.

"What in the name of Methuselah is going on?!" we screamed at our TV as the drama unfolded, but obviously we was more hooked than a salmon on that John Wilson's rod.

The crushing emotional turmoil unfolding in Christine's psyche and her struggle to make sense of all this mental turbulence tapped deep into some primal fear within us. A fear where losing our mind and being unable to cope with the normality around us left us overwhelmed and all anguished up.

And then Pemberton and Shearsmith delivered their killer blow which left us winded and gasping for breath.

Because old Christine wasn't suffering some type of mental illness. It was much more tragic and we discovered that all these little plot beats scattered throughout the episode - the broken eggs, the hooded figure, the changing timelines - were hallucinations brought on by Christine's life flashing before her eyes as she slips away to meet St Peter at the pearly gates.

Death, man's ultimate foe and something we desperately try to block out with, ironically, things such as TV was laid bare in front of us. We could go at anytime and what a tragic reality that is for anyone who's ever experienced the highs of life.

2. Cucumber - Episode 6

Russell T Davies'Cucumber had a lot going for it with its detailed analysis of a fractured relationship between Henry (Vincent Franklin) and Lance (Cyril Nri) in amongst the thriving gay scene of Manchester.

The relationship between Henry and Lance was going down the swanny from the very first episode, but we (and countless others) presumed that there would be some reconciliation when they both realised that the grass wasn't always greener on the other side.

Davies, though, with one of his fiendishly tricky twists decided to completely shatter this illusion in episode 6 and, not only yank the carpet from under our plates, but utterly disturb us in the process.

Opening with a caption of "Lance Edward Sullivan 1966-2015" we immediately knew that poor old Lance wasn't going to come up smelling of roses, but what the Sam Hill was gonna happen?!

The episode contained flashbacks to the formative experiences Lance had traversed on his way to becoming a gay man. From early disgust at the reproductive process through to the concealment of issues of Playgirl and on to being rejected by his father, we saw it warts and all as Davies cranked up the sympathy for Lance's struggle through life.

But in between all those flashbacks came the real darkness as Lance's complex relationship with the handsome, but disconcertingly confused Daniel (James Murray) came to a head. Now, Daniel, of course, was a seemingly laddish, right proper heterosexual geezer, but still found time in his busy manly diary to rib Lance about his obvious infatuation with him.

Lance, however, frustrated by years of an unsatisfying sex life with Henry took these mixed signals from Daniel as a sign of intent or, at the very least, a challenge. And, dare we say it, but the great ladies man Daniel even seemed to be reconsidering his erstwhile pledge to pursuing the female flesh.

So, Lance and Daniel ended up heading out to Manchester's gay quarter for a night on the tiles, but Lance slowly began to realise that Daniel wasn't quite the saviour he suspected. At turns cruel and controlling, he also demonstrated hints of narcissism with his own ego seeking victory at all costs. Lance's doubts left him threatening to call a taxi and leave, but Daniel manipulated Lance's lust, yet again, and stopped him leaving.

There was one final chance for Lance to be saved with the eerie appearance of Hazel (Denise Black) who warned Lance to go home whilst he still had the chance. But Lance's mind was made up and he weren't stepping back from the precipice of a night with that hunky Daniel fellow.

Lance and Daniel retired to Daniel's flat where an awkward sexual encounter took place, but it wasn't the embarrasing "oh lets laugh about it years later" type. It was a sinister and disturbing one which led to Daniel being consumed by self loathing as the masculine constructs he prided himself on collapsed around him. And he soon turned this anger on to Lance who just wanted to get the hell out of there.

But thanks to a fatal blow with a golf club, Lance never got out of there.

And it's then we realised that the flashbacks were, in fact, Lance's life flashing before his eyes and confirmed that he spent his life desperately struggling to achieve, just for one second, the security of acceptance.

For the next few days we felt terribly numbed by the whole thing. The whole process of dying had been played out in front of us; we'd been taken to a dark corner of humanity where sexuality and mental anguish wrestled to the death.

Most of all we found it so terribly unfair on Lance. All he wanted was to be happy, but like Icarus he flew too close to the sun and came crashing down.

What Does it All Mean?!

Now, we're not suggesting that every TV show should focus on having an episode where the main character dies and their life flashes before their eyes. That would become terribly repetitive and if they employed it on EastEnders then God help us when it came to Dot Cotton's opus magnum.

What we want from our TV is scripts that are permeated with the pain and joy that the characters are feeling. And neither should that emotional strength just be conveyed by verbal or physical confirmation, it should be hanging in the air at all times to truly move us and convince us that it's a world worth investing our precious (and often guarded) feelings in.

And that's exactly what Inside No. 9 and Cucumber delivered this year. So, more please!

In somewhat of an about turn from our usual backwards outlook on the world we're actually tackling some of that contemporary technology nonsense.

Yes, we're gonna be dealing with one of them new fangled Blu-Ray things, but before you renounce your membership to our nostalgic landscape, don't worry, because this high definition optical disc contains Wolcott. And those tellywaves was broadcast in 1981.

Curiously swept under the carpet and ignored since 1981 it's finally been released by Network Distributing. And, yeah, it's rather inexplicably been released in full 1080p. You can't even get Lovejoy in 1080p and everyone loves that mulleted scoundrel.

Anyway, let's take a ganders at our Wolcott Blu-Ray review and see what exactly we can learn from it.

On the Beat in a New Town

The brilliantly titled Winston Churchill Wolcott (George William Harris) has found himself promoted to the ranks of CID in an East End police station. Apart from his name (amazing, aint it?) it all sounds fairly standard procedure, but there's something unique about this promotion. Because Wolcott's black.

And, yes, it's a peculiar thing to be happening in 1981. That's not to say he's greeted by institutional racism at every corner down the nick, but people such as PC Fell (Rik Mayall) certainly ain't letting off fireworks in some celebratory fashion. And a high percentage of the black community see Wolcott's chumming up with the white pigs as some bleeding traitorous act.

So, yeah, it's fair to say Wolcott's walked into some type of faeces filled storm, but really, he's got bigger fish to fry. You see, there's a bit of a turf war kicking off in the East End and Wolcott's determined to get to the bottom of all this racketeering and drug dealing.

Terry Rowe (Warren Clarke) is a legitimate businessman with a nice line in haulage, but we all know he's a right proper ne'er do well with his fingers in all types of pies. He's a bit of an East End Tony Soprano, but without all the psychoanalysis. And it's Rowe who currently runs the manor, but there's a new pretender to his crown in the form of Reuben Warre (Raul Newney).

Reuben - constantly dressed like a reputable pimp - is steadily inching his way through Rowe's patch with a healthy dose of violence and extortion. He's indicative of the changing face of crime on the gritty East End streets and has a loyal army behind him and in the community.

Intrigued by Wolcott's sudden rise through the ranks and unique perspective is American journalist Melinda Marin (Christine Lahti) who, at first, Wolcott is happy to bat away due to her stereotypical nosy journalistic ways. However, this fractious relationship soon warms up and it looks like a relationship is on the cards, especially as Marin has her snout in a number of interesting places.

Meanwhile, salt of the earth right proper geezer DI Charlie Bonham (Christopher Ellison) is publicly trying to uphold the law, but behind closed doors he's a bent copper if ever there was one. Bonham's in with Rowe on a number of his criminal dalliances and creams off a share of the profits as a result. However, Rowe's had enough of being squeezed by Bonham, so is working on blackmailing him with a taped admission to profiteering from criminal scrapes.

Sounds like a bit of a tinderbox waiting to go off and, good heavens, bloody go off it will!

Caught by the Fuzz

Wolcott had been mentioned to us, in hushed tones, several times, but getting hold of a copy proved to be more impossible than sneaking a cow up a tree. Sure, we could have headed to the BFI Archive for a marathon 3 hour session, but even our obsessive thirst for analysis of retro TV would flag over that duration.

We was right overjoyed, then, to discover that Wolcott was finally being released a cool 34 years after it first aired. Quite why it's suddenly being released, however, is somewhat of a mystery. We did read some utter baloney, online (where else), that the untimely death of Rik Mayall had prompted it's release. But come on, mate, he's only in it for about 8 out of 180 minutes.

Whatever the reasons, though, God bless Network Distributing and all who sail in her for consistently digging up forgotten gems such as Wolcott and dumping them right in front of our old eyestalks. We ain't ever gonna moan about that and that ain't no mistake.

So, Wolcott, what exactly did we make of it?

Wolcott himself is an intriguing mix of righteousness and short tempered punching from the soul. He don't want them bad guys ripping the heart out of communities and he certainly don't want no punk denouncing him for who he is. And when his temper's in check he swans through racial hatred with a smile on his face and a wry line tucked up his sleeve. Insult his old dear, though, and get ready to get involved in a bit of fisticuffs.

And Wolcott's charm and engaging nature is all brought to life brilliantly by George Harris who runs up and down the emotional chart with an achingly cool Caribbean accent.

Wolcott has few true allies, but in Melinda Marin it's the closest thing to a friend he's going to encounter. Of course, she's got a journalistic agenda and there's a certainly a whiff of sexual attraction at play, but her intrigue into Wolcott as a man finally transcends her earlier hollow interests. The gorgeous Christine Lahti (she's still gorgeous nearly 35 years on) brings an effortlessly cool American charm to the role and her accent goes down like a fine Scotch.

In between Wolcott and the bad guys is the law toting maverick known as Charlie Bonham who barely raises an eyebrow at first, but is gradually woven into the plot as a right dodgy feller with all sorts of acquaintances a man in his position oughtn't to have. Who else, but Christopher Ellison could play Bonham? He's in full on Burnside mode here a few years before he first stepped foot in Sun Hill. That charming cockney tongue's in full flow and you get the feeling he could use those steely blue eyes to simultaneously kill a man as he charms said man's wife into bed. And, blimey, don't he look young here?!

The first real antagonist that Wolcott has a brush with is PC Fell and it's he who embodies the notion of not only institutionalised racism, but also the fears and prejudices of Old Britian as its cultural landscape changes. In a nutshell he's your quintessential racist coward. To be honest, PC Fell's a bit of a footnote in the whole affair, but it's one of Rik Mayall's earliest roles so earns a few curiosity points. His performance is in stark contrast to his trademark anarchic comedy roles, but it's a decent stab at straight acting and manages to conjure up a particularly venomous little toad.

Early on in Wolcott someone remarks to Reuben Warre that they "Wonder whether you wanna be Malcolm X or Fagin", but believe us, he ain't got his brother's best interests at heart and he's got his eye on more than a few pretty hankies! Reuben's a dangerous man with plenty of goons around him to do his bidding, but he's clever, damn clever. He knows he needs to tread carefully as the new boy in town and avoid unwanted attention, hence why he gets in a right grump when one of his goons murders a pensioner in episode 1.

Raul Newney portrays Reuben with a menacingly friendly grin, but one that can slip, in the blink of an eye, into a violent tirade of threats. And it's this disturbingly chilling performance which manages to inject a modicum of psychopathy into Reuben which, let's face it, is pretty much a prerequisite for becoming a tyrannical megalomaniac.

Reuben, of course, is going head to head with old Terry Rowe whose family has been running the manor for the last 17 years. Again, there are shades of insanity in Rowe's persona, but it's always delivered with such hilarity and relish you can't help but wanna side with Rowe. And he's a proper East End villain, one you can imagine snuggling up with the Kray twins whilst rifling through their pockets.

Warren Clarke, looking damn young, parades around the East End like he truly does own the place and we wouldn't be surprised to discover that he'd run a few real life gangsters out of town. And Clarke channels the frustration that Rowe feels at the changing cultural landscape around him to infuse Rowe with an almost obsessive desire to topple Reuben. It reminds us just how much Warren Clarke is missed.

What happens, though, when all these finely tuned characters come together for a right old knees up in the East End?

The writers - Patrick Carrol and Barry Wasserman - have delivered a delicious plot in Wolcott which concentrates on the main stand off between Wolcott, Reuben and Rowe, but also finds time for a number of elegant little subplots such as Wolcott's relationship with Marin and the full extent of Bonham's activities. And Wolcott also acts as an intriguing slice of urban social life in the early 1980s.

We're treated to disturbing and aggressive scenes where National Front yobs (hello, Keith Allen) clash with liberal spirits (hello, Alexie Sayle). The 80s horror drug heroin rears its ugly head as it infects the streets causing but nothing but pain and misery in its wake. And then there's the racism, the full filthy gamut of racism.

Now, to our tender 2015 ears, the racial slang being bandied about by all comers really stood out. We're not saying racism don't exist these days, but we're certainly not privy to much more than casual racism (which sounds rather fluffier than it is). But, remember, this is 1981 and race riots are kicking off all over the country, so with the simmering tensions having built up over a generation or so, it's no surprise to hear the characters spitting bile in this fashion.

With the plot, though, we felt that Wolcott was given a bit too much room to breathe. Sure, all the avenues are explored nicely and tension builds up, but sometimes it does feel like a bit too much of a slow burner. Times have changed, obviously, and pacing in TV is generally much sharper these days, but the Wolcott story could have been told in three episodes. Too much time seems to be spent waiting for that Reuben / Rowe standoff to come, but the tension between them develops at a less than dramatic pace and the majority of their standoffs feel rather impotent as a result.

Finally, the production on the series is absolutely magnificent for its era. Sure, the cod funk score comes across a little naff and too indebted to US cop shows, but the cinematic look and feel of the show is amazing. ITC and Colin Bucksey have pulled out all the stops to maintain the gritty feel of London's decaying streets, but somehow coat them in a delicious sheen.

The Lowdown on the Disc

Wolcott was filmed on 16mm, so questioning whether there's any grain in the picture is somewhat of a redundant question. Darker scenes tend to suffer the most and the naturally gritty nature of 16mm, at times, upgrades to picture noise, but it's not terribly distracting. Well lit scenes seem to pop with clarity, though, and skin tones are particularly well presented to promote that glossy transatlantic look that ITC were striving for.

The sound, we suspect, was never spectacular due to it coming from an era of poor sound systems when it came to TVs. As a result the sound is decent enough with no muddying or muffling of the dialogue and the music powers out quite acceptably, but those surround sound speakers you've invested in probably ain't gonna get much out of this.

Extras! Now there's something we absolute love about Blu-Rays, so will our Wolcott Blu-Ray review be able to wax lyrical about the extras on offer? Well, no. Sadly all we get is a picture gallery where surely we should have had commentaries and interviews. A right missed opportunity if ever there was one.

Final Thoughts

*HUGE SPOILER AHEAD*

Wolcott is an amazing slice of drama which really stands out against other UK police dramas of its time. Not only does it herald the arrival of the first leading black policeman on our screens, but the fantastic performances aren't restricted to just one or two leads. And it looks great with a really gorgeous production which provides a nice bit of glossy glamour to the resolutely grainy world of 80s British drama.

It's not a perfect series, but these are very much early days with the whole production finding its feet. It's a shame, though, that Reuben and Rowe don't survive as they would have made for a compelling backdrop for more short term 'crime of the week' episodes to play out against. Sadly it never happened for one reason or another, but at least now we can take a look at what might have been rather than relying on a few dusty memories.

If there's one thing you should take from our Wolcott Blu-Ray review then it's BUY IT!

LINKS

An amazing overview to the genesis of the series and its production can be found at Patrick Carrol's website.

Sure, there's plenty of well known names in the British TV industry who've been recognised with award after award, but are these the only deserving people in the industry?! Definitely not, for our fair isles have produced some indisputably transcendental talents who have lit up our screens in all manner of roles be they cast or crew.

But, until now, we don't feel as though they've always got the plaudits their talents demand. That's all about to change, though, as we refuse to allow this tragedy to continue a second longer.

So, here's our 5 unsung heroes of British TV.

1. Marilyn Fox

Longevity is a magnificent indicator of talent and Marilyn Fox didn't half have spades of durability under her belt. Starting way back in that cosmic era now referred to as the 1960s, Marilyn announced her entry into the capricious world of British television with a researcher's role on some little known show called Jackanory.

Marilyn, of course, wanted to get a bit more hands on with the production side of things, so concentrated on entering the choppy waters of being a producer. And it was here that she really found her niche.

Over the course of nearly 30 years she racked up more credits for classic kids tv shows that you can shake a particularly shaky stick at. There's Jackanory, Seaview, Running Scared, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and Earthfaststo name but a handful of gems from her distinguished roll call.

And all of the shows Marilyn worked on had one thing in common. They all wrestled your attention to the floor and didn't let it up until the credits were rolling. Even then they seeped deep into your subconscious and tinkered with the delicate mechanisms of your brain to keep you on tenterhooks for the next episode.

A true legend.

2. Lee Montague

Lee Montague, he's a bit of a lad, ain't he? Born in the very heart of London's most cockney district, Bow, Montague wasn't exactly destined for the world of acting, but thanks to an encouraging drama teacher he seized the potential of his raw talent and was soon in the original film version of Moulin Rouge.

His menacing good looks and confident delivery of a line - all infused with a dash of cockney charm - contributed to Montague setting up shop in the world of stage and screen. And, blimey, he only ended up being the first ever narrator on Jackanory!

Being a character actor, Montague rarely landed leading roles, so, as a result, his vast CV is peppered with endless little gems. People may not remember his name, but show them a picture of his face and they can instantly reel off a long list of shows he popped up in.

Montague's most recognised performances are probably from the two shows where he landed those elusive recurring roles: Feet Firstand Seconds Out, both sports sitcoms and both fantastic examples of his mercurial abilities at wringing a laugh from a script.

And guess what? Even at 87 he's still adding to his CV. Will this man's fiery passion for acting ever dim?

3. Ilona Sekacz

If there's one thing that wraps Curious British Telly up into a trance like state when digesting retro British tv then it's an amazing soundtrack. And, by jove, Ilona Sekacz has got us all spellbound on many an occasion!

Starting her career composing music for the theatre, Sekacz moved into scoring television programmes during the 1980s. And it was in Fox Talesthat we first encountered her delicate and sublime ways with an orchestra to transport us to a different world. A few years later and she was tickling our amygdala with sumptuous yet haunting soundtracks for dramas such as Earthfastsand Elidor.

Sekacz's knack for relentlessly creating uniquely textured soundscapes to help guide the viewer's attention is second to none. Orchestras gradually unfold around your ears and individual instruments tug at your emotions and connect you with the show at an almost supernatural level. She was, without a shadow of a doubt, a complete and utter asset for any production she was involved with.

If we could have one person to soundtrack the story of our life then it would have to be Ilona.

4. Christopher Pilkington

Oh, Christopher Pilkington, you're another one of them sorts who've had an illustrious career in British TV, but never succumbed to the allure of tabloid scandals to boost your profile. You're a dignified so and so, ain't ya?!

Pilkington started his career the right way by teaming up with Tony Hart on his wildly popular 1980s series Take Hart. There were a few fleeting directorial roles throughout his career, but it was as a producer and executive producer of children's TV that he really made his name.

Throughout the 1980s, Pilkington was like a man possessed and barely stopped to take breath. This admirable passion for results meant that his name is stamped across many a curious show from the 1980s e.g. Sebastian the Incredible Drawing Dog, What's your Story, You Should Be So Lucky and Ratman.

The 90s, for Pilkington, were almost as jam packed and he again strived to create unique content and keep productions in check.Particularly peculiar shows he worked on during this era included the early Russell Brand show Mud, the gunge fest known as Get your Own Back and the Micky Hutton fronted variety show (of types) Hangar 17.

Pilkington is currently acting as a consultant and content creator at CMP Productions, so there's still hope for more curious TV shows to spring from his eternally mysterious talent.

5. Tony Selby

Tony Selby, you bleeding man! We bleeding love ya, so we do!

Yes, it was at the delicate age of 4 we were first introduced to the myriad of delights which manifest themselves as Tony Selby. He was playing Sabalom Glitz in Doctor Who and had the enviable task of working from a Robert Holmes script. This immediately gave him a great springboard, but his acting was just as high a calibre.

So loved, was he, as Glitz, that they even brought him back for another standalone story in Dragonfire, which Classic Who didn't do all that often.

But aside from Doctor Who what else did that crafty cockney get up to? Well, a fine character actor with a nifty line in everyman appeal meant he popped up all over the shop. Staring off in the 1960s he achieved several roles in The Wednesday Play to demonstrate his acting chops and also bagged a part in seminal show The Avengers.

Throughout the 1970s and 80s he established himself firmly on British TV screens and soon began to pick up recurring roles such as Sam Maxstead in Ace of Wands and Norman Lugg in Jack of Diamonds. The 1990s saw him fulfilling his comic potential with significant roles in Mulberry, Love Hurts and The Detectives.

Capable of instantly transforming a world weary sigh into a charming glint of the eye, Tony Selby remains a much loved actor.

Who are your unsung heroes of British TV? Answers on a postcard to the usual address or, if you insist on that interactive internet behaviour, leave an insightful comment below! Cheers!

Written by Louise MacGregor

So, we’re hurtling quickly towards a new season of Doctor Who, with Peter Capaldi’s second outing in the Tardis due out in less than two weeks. Season nine will, confusingly, mark ten years since the show was revived all those years/Dalek stories ago (can we agree they’re overdone now?).

And that’s all well and good (maybe not so good if you have the same opinion of Capaldi’s wobbly first season as me), but amongst all this chatter about new Who, it’s easy to forget the brilliant series that came before the 2005 reboot.

So, whether you’re an old fan looking to relieve the glory days or a fan of the new series looking for a way into the original run, let’s take a look at the best serials old-school Who had to offer.

1. The War Games

Like all the best episodes of Doctor Who, The War Games was about a lot more than a space cowboy with a flying box.

It follows the second Doctor (Patrick Troughton) as he’s faced with the choice to return innocents back to their own time after they were displaced in a deadly series of trials and alert the Time Lords to his location, risking punishment for his crimes (including the theft of the Tardis).

Packed with sublimely well-realized character moments and tight, whip-smart plotting all the way through, this is more than just a great Doctor Who serial, it’s one of the best standalone stories the BBC has ever come up with, period.

2. City of Death

Look, I’m sorry if you’re a die-hard Tom Baker fan and wanted a different one of his adventures on this list, but there’s no way I can, in good conscience, pass up a serial co-written by my hero Douglas Adams.

It’s a fiendishly fun outing, as Baker’s Doctor tries to figure out why there are six perfect replicas of the Mona Lisa lurking around Paris, all of them apparently created by Da Vinci himself. Lots of time-travelling abounds as we jump around through history, with some interesting commentary on the actual value of art buried amongst all that rampant romping.

Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for John Cleese, who makes a cameo towards the end of this adventure.

3. Planet of the Spiders

Yes, arachnaphobes beware as Jon Pertwee’s Doctor finds himself faced with psychics, mysterious rocks, and, yup, big scary spiders in the final outing of his incarnation.

It’s a good way in for fans of the new seasons thanks to an appearance by Sarah-Jane Smith (who, of course, appeared both in David Tennant’s first season and was soon given a spin-off of her own).

But beyond just her, there’s loads going on in an episode that’s packed full of sci-fi ideas and locations, enough to put much of the new series to shame, as the Doctor battles to fix a chain of dangerous events that he himself kicked off in the first place.

I suppose this is one for the Tom Baker fans too, as it marks his first appearance in this series (even if he is uncredited) after Pertwee’s regeneration.

4. The Edge of Destruction

Only the third serial the show ever produced, The Edge of Destruction is a rare and astoundingly confident take on the bottle episode, starring Hartnell’s still-brilliant first incarnation.

As the Tardis is taken over by apparently hostile forces, everyone travelling inside finds themselves turning against each other. It’s a tense episode with a simple premise, and one that relies on strong performances and tight writing to keep it all holding together.

Thankfully, they pull it off, with the claustrophobic setting lending itself well to the constantly-ratcheting tension. Plus, we get a little look into the Tardis as something more than just the Doctor’s vehicle, and as something closer to an entity in and of itself.

5. The Sea Devils

Yeah, yeah, maybe I just love this serial so much because it was the first one I ever saw, one my parents foisted on me due to their own memories of sleepless nights over the watery demons.

I’d be lying to myself and to you if I didn’t put this one on the list, so here we are: this Jon Pertwee adventure follows the Doctor as he heads out to check that the Master (played by the never-bettered Roger Delgado) hasn’t broken free of the prison they’ve managed to hide him away in.

But on the way, they encounter a ship full of sailors who’ve been shaken up by visitations from The Sea Devils, one of the coolest (and, to my mind, scariest) villains of the original series’ run. Pertwee is at his most charmingly eccentric here, and the show really isn’t averse to killing off some of those sympathetic tertiary characters that it introduced earlier in the episode to great effect.

The real question is, when are they bringing these brilliant monsters back (and no, the friendly Silurians do not count)?

Honourable Mentions: The Dalek Invasion of Earth and Tomb of the Cybermen (if you want a closer look at why the show’s most iconic villains became so iconic), The Caves of Androzani (because Peter Davidson is bloody brilliant, and I wasn’t going to let this list slip by without him on it) and The Aztecs (just to spend some times with everyone’s favourite companion, Babs).

So, those are my favourite serials - what are yours? Who was your favourite Doctor from the old series, and what about your favourite companion? Which episodes would you use to introduce someone who’s never watched the original Doctor Who to the old series? And are you looking forward to season nine of New Who?

Let me know in the comments!

More of Louise's outrageous views can be found at The Cutprice Guignol

When we're not drowning our sorrows over "what we coulda been, man!" in the deepest depths of gin hell, we're more than likely to be found lamenting the death of the great British sketch show.

Yeah, we used to love them crazy little sketch guys with their bite sized three act narratives designed to give us quick comedic bursts one after the other before our attention buggered off elsewhere.

But, despite the mid 00s success of The Catherine Tate Show and Little Britain, the whole genre seems to have disappeared quicker than our dignity on a Friday night. Sure, Cardinal Burns is pretty damn hilarious and if we had our way WitTank would have their own TV show and tie in annual, but they're in a moribund minority.

When the future's bleak, though, we here at Curious British Telly retreat backwards ever more into the rich recesses of British TVs past for a little bit of cultural salvation. And, blimey, ain't there just a bucket load of comedy sketches lurking there which are bloody amazing!

Problem is that, despite what them 'comedy gurus' say, there is actually a limit to the amount of times you can watch the 'Four Candles' sketch (does anyone even know how that ends?), so we're going to take you through 5 of the hidden gems of British sketch comedy you don't hear enough about. But bloody well should.

1. Do You Speak English - Big Train

Big Train was bloody insurmountable genius and if there's higher praise available then it's quite likely that you're the bearded deity known as God and we bow to your majesty, oh vengeful and robed one.

Anyway, Big Train, hailed from the minds of Graham Linehan and Arthur Matthews and was a collection of sketches so surreal and absurd it often felt as though they were rewiring your internal mechanisms with some type of LSD concoction cut with a rather hefty dose of nitrous oxide.

And one of the best sketches, and perhaps less well known ones, is, in fact, the very first darling sketch of the beautiful first episode. 'Do You Speak English' is pretty much everything any right-minded individual craves when it comes to digesting the perfect sketch.

You see, Amelia Bullmore is all stranded in France and needs some directions in English, but the passers-by that she encounters don't speak English. Except they do. Fluently. And it's this incongruous deception which defines the rigourous hilarity of a sketch packed full of absurd flourishes and great performances.

PUT IT ON THE NATIONAL CURRICULUM NOW, MR PRIME MINISTER SIR AS IT'S ONE OF THE BEST BRITISH COMEDY SKETCHES EVER!

2. Lemming of the BDA - Monty Python's Flying Circus

A few years ago we got in a bit of a to do with a couple of so called British comedy fans. They'd watched a few 'Best of Monty Python' VHS' back in the 90s and were convinced that the Parrot Sketch was the one of the very best British comedy sketches ever.

It's not bad, but is it really one of the best? Does anyone even know how it ends? Incidentally, these jokers we were having to endure didn't have a clue how it ended and just started waffling on about the Four Yorkshiremen sketch being another shining example of Python's genius...

Anyway, for us, we've always been delighted by the one of Python's lesser known sketches and that gorgeous little beast is 'Lemming of the BDA'.

There's a joyously kaleidoscopic amount going on here with spy spoofs being juxtaposed against humdrum dentistry, plenty of ridiculous twists which get exponentially more insane whilst they still find time to tinker with the rigid constraints of what a sketch should be. Python tried this in almost every sketch they did and it often fell flat on it's face, but here it's an amazing celebration of what they could cook up when the let their minds off their creative leashes.

3. Fry and Laurie - A Word, Timothy

Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie are a couple of guys you may have stumbled across over the years. These days they're elder statesmen of TV, but once upon a time they were eager pups trying to tickle our funny bones into submission with A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

Best known for its vox pops and 'John and Peter' sketches, A Bit of Fry and Laurie was a cerebral creature which teased with it's impressive language and, more importantly, delighted in its utter silliness.

More importantly, it also contains one of our favourite sketches of all time in 'A Word, Timothy'. A dramatic sketch packed full of grandiose, but bizarre statements from Stephen Fry, it's a wonderfully simple sketch which examines the apathy of youth and the disappointment of being a parent. It's then signed, sealed and delivered with a punchline which well and truly yanks the rug from under your tippy toes.

It also contains the funniest use of the town name 'Saffron Walden' ever and, blimey, there've been a few pretenders to that crown.

4. Debt Collector - The League of Gentlemen

Yes, it's a bloody sketch show! Although, for years we were under the misapprehension that The League of Gentlemen was a sitcom, but now, tutored in the machinations of comedy, we can agree it's a sketch show!

The writing team behind The League of Gentlemen were perhaps one of the most sublime set of writers ever to come together and the fact that so many of their characters and catchphrases are enshrined in our hearts is testament to the fact that they created some of the best British comedy sketches.

We're not gonna bang on about Papa Lazarou or Tubbs and Edwards, though, because there's a little known sketch tucked away in the unfairly maligned series 3 involving some rather uproarious debt collectors getting up to all types of shenanigans.

Barry (Steve Pemberton) is, and believe us when we say we're not being cruel here, a fat idiot. An incredibly fat and incredibly idiotic idiot who, quite frankly gets hoisted by his own petard time and time again. He's irritating as hell, so any sympathy for him drains away after a millisecond in his company. And that's why we get such a kick out of watching him fall from grace, well, not grace, but more gluttinous stupidity.

Barry works alongside Glenn (Mark Gatiss) who's a tough, but fair debt collector and only seems mildly irritated by the natural disaster that's Barry. However, there's one fella in town who ain't quite so forgiving and that's their boss Mr Lisgoe (Reece Shearsmith) and his violently psychopathic tendencies are going to break Barry's brain with shocking consequences.

All these years on from when we first saw it, our body still twists and contorts into the most unusual positions as we erupt with laughter at the dreary representation of British life mixed in with some of the funniest violence ever witnessed on British TV.

5. Search for a New Teacher - WitTank

Here's one for the future, guys! Yes, it's the potential saviour of the whole genre we fear is slipping away in the wake of the relentless march of budget friendly panel shows and they're known as WitTank.

And why are they so good? Because they've got some unhinged minds rattling around in them there skulls and they're not afraid to say "Ah, bollocks!" to convention. And in 'Search for a New Teacher' they've created some type of Bohemian Rhapsody sketch melange.

Packed full of balls out strutting in the form of Naz Osmanoglu's headmaster there's plenty of surreal tonal changes which take in madness, tenderness and an exploration of sexual identity in the form of Jones' (Mark Cooper Jones) desperation to teach. And it all takes place under the horrified eyes of Keiran Boyd who just wants some sense and normality to visit the school in amongst the rip roaringly funny dialogue.

Watch it and cross yourselves afterwards for these lads have comedy genius oozing out of their pores and, in years to come, will pen plenty of amazing British comedy sketches.

That's our pick of the 5 best unknown British sketches, but what are yours and who are your hopes for the future? Leave a comment below and let us know, you amazing sods!

We ain't half had a few curious emails come spilling through our e-letterbox in our time, but we was absolutely gobsmacked to recently discover a press release in our inbox. Real life people considering us the sane voice of reason? Blimey, that's a compliment and a half, so we're gonna run with it!

And this particular press release centres around the success of Downton Abbey in the old memorabilia stakes. Downton Abbey, despite being set over a 100 years ago is a pretty aspirational slice of British TV, so the good old guys and gals of UK (and much of the globe) have got engaged to the hilt with it.

We can't, of course, just jump in a time machine and head back to Edwardian Britain, but we can head to ebay.co.uk and pick up the DVDs or even a Lady Edith Crawley mask. Now, the latest series of Downton Abbeyisn't experiencing the vast viewing figures of previous series', but it's success on Ebay certainly ain't nothing to be sniffed at.

You see, in terms of sales volumes, Downton Abbey is currently the highest ranked period drama on ebay.co.uk as the following chart rundown testifies:

Period Drama Ranking (Sales Volume)
1. Downton Abbey
2. An Inspector Calls
3. Call the Midwife
4. Lady Chatterley's Lover
5. The Go-Between

It's this success which demonstrates - despite the drop in viewing figures - that the passion for Downton Abbey goes much deeper than just sticking on the gogglebox and getting entertained for an hour before switching off and eating a pork pie. The viewers, instead, are die hard sycophants and want to move themselves closer to the characters and world they've invested so much in.

And all this Ebay chatter got us thinking about how that wonderful old online marketplace has helped our beloved blog explore the shows we love that little bit deeper.

After all, just head to Ebay and type in "Radio Times" and you're instantly presented with over 5,000 listings which makes for pretty tasty research into the past of British TV. God knows we've blasted a few pennies into that crazy marketplace in order to get a rare titbit of knowledge about a forgotten show.

Then there's all the strange little offshoots of memorabilia that you never even knew (or could humanly contemplate) existed. Take Doctor Who, for example, where you can currently pick up a delightfully vintage Doctor Who Colouring Book or even a Doctor Who Board Game (we had this, we have no memory of how you played it).

So, yes, Ebay, bloody hell it's brilliant! And we ain't even being paid to say this! We're only incorporating the press release into the blog as it's led us to some amazing bits of TV memorabilia over the years which has helped stoke our passions for rare British TV, so who can argue with that?

And, finally, we'd LOVE to hear about some of the bizarre and intriguing British TV bits of memorabilia you've picked up over the years, so let us know in the comments!

Genre: Docusoap
Channel: BBC1
Transmission: 28/12/1998 - 24/07/2001

Humanity thrives upon communities coming together and co-operating in order to advance society and preserve our sometimes feckless ways. And, sure, this makes for a pretty compelling story of how humble humans clubbed together to get us out of the caves, into our centrally heated abodes and towards a future where, by golly, one day we'll land on Mars and mate with their microscopic, but beautiful bacteria.

But what about the stories which tell us how the individuals amongst these bustling societies scurried about trying to make ends meet, finding love and questioning their own existence in this crazy mixed up global sphere we call Earth.

WELL THANK GOD ALMIGHTY FOR DOCUSOAPS!

Yes, these curiously constructed and invasive shows have allowed us to see exactly how our fellow humans career dangerously through life. Yeah, we could probably just investigate our own lives and perform a particularly galling cross-examination of ourselves, but we're far too precious for that. Anyway, the stars of docusoaps are happily living their lives all publicly to save us the embarrassment of having to look long and hard at our own flaws.

And it was perhaps never done better than in Paddington Green.

Residents of the Green

Paddington Green is a curious little corner of West London which, when first recorded in 1549, consisted of little more than wastelands and a medieval church. Hardly a startling backdrop for people's lives to play out against, but by 1617 there was a fishpond there, so heady times indeed.

We're on a bit of a schedule, though, so we can't fanny about and discuss the introduction of the first bird table in Paddington Green. Instead, we'll nip forward about 380 of your Earth years and take a ganders at what the hell was going on in Paddington Green in those crazy, mixed up late 1990s.

Perhaps the most notable thing happening was those nosy folk at the BBC sticking their beaks into the private lives of the good honest residents of Paddington Green. But don't worry, it wasn't some type of nefarious spying operation, consent forms had been signed. After all, voyeurism without consent is a shocking crime. And God knows we've heard that from many a judge.

Who exactly were the BBC following around and recording though? Well, it was a right hotchpotch of sorts scurrying about their daily lives indicative of the diverse community bubbling away.

Perhaps the most famous face followed around the Green was Jackie McAuliffe who was a complex soul. Jackie, of course, started off as humble Jason McAuliffe, but by the mid 1990s underwent gender reassignment surgery and the chirpy Jackie was born. And how did Jackie earn her crust? That's right! She was a prostitute down at Sussex Gardens. We told you she was complex and there's no half measures with her, son!

Whilst Jackie was coming to terms with her new life, there was plenty of locks which needed unlocking in the area. Enter Jason Osborne, a 24 hour locksmith who laughed in the face of 'uncrackable' safes and appeared to never sleep. Now, this hectic on-call lifestyle didn't half cause problems with his girlfriend, Anna, but you know, true love waits, don't it? Well, for a little while anyway.

Harry Gilbert, though, seemed to have finally - at the age of 85 - snared himself a sweetheart in the form of dear old Joyce. However, even in his twilight years, he was being kept on his toes by more than his beau as old Mr Gilbert was still running his wig shop. And a 'hotel' above it. Then there was his revolutionary 'skin cream' he was formulating in his basement which looked like a health and safety officer's nightmare. Give him his dues, though, Harry didn't look too bad for 85, so maybe there was something in his dubious goo after all.

Those three were perhaps the most famous and most featured, but plenty of other memorable chaps and chappettes popped up throughout the run.

There was the wonderfully curvy and beautiful Claudia who relentlessly fought with her Dad to revolutionise their scooter shop. Testing his business partner's mental health on a daily basis was Dave, a good old fashioned wheeler dealer in the mould of Del Boy who could sniff a 'bargain' at 50 yards. And who can forget the good time, laid back bus conductor Danny? Stop wearing your London Transport issued cap backwards, Danny!

Oh and we also got to follow the early tentative steps of Kelly in the world of modelling, but she is now best known as Kelly Harrison who's barely kept off our screens since. She bloody loves the camera, that one!

The Docusoap Boom

Big Brother was still a couple years away, so the British public hadn't been exposed to the full insanity of reality TV and were being kept busy with a sudden interest in docusoaps - kickstarted in no small part by some crazy Welsh learner drive by the name of Maureen Rees in Driving School.

And what better place to set the latest docusoap than the Queen's home, London. It's a thriving old place, so just perfect for plucking out a few stories to titillate the viewers.

Paddington Green was created by Lion Television and filming began in the summer of 1998 with the first series airing just after Christmas 1998. A total of six series aired between 1998 and 2001 with Ross Kemp narrating the first three series before handing over the torch to his Eastenders co-star Todd Carty for the final three.

Two spin offs resulted from Paddington Green:

Jackie's Story which was a one off documentary following Jackie after she left the series.
8.50 to Paddington Green which took a quick peek into the fortunes of Lia Saville and Dominique Moore who were both performing their socks off at the Sylvia Young Academy.

Paddington Green did not receive any terrestrial repeats, but some episodes were re-aired on BBC Choice in 1999 and episodes also received screen time in 2006 on UKTV People. The first two series are currently up on YouTube, but nothing else is available from the later series!

The jazzy score to Paddington Green was cooked up by the amazing composer Guy Dagul, so we asked him for a quick recap of his involvement with the show:

I followed the producers Bridget Sneyd and Ludo Graham straight from scoring the complete DK Eyewitness Films for them at BBC Worldwide. The brief was simple…raw, urban and sexy.
Thus using "Take Five" (Brubeck) as my template, I let rip! I knew Phil Todd (sax) from my days working on films such as Angel Heart, Mississippi Burning and Arachnophobia. The theme tune was weaved in and out, as variations, throughout as the underscore.

Taking a Trip To Paddington Green

Blimey, Paddington Green! It only seems like yesterday that we was glued to our screens watching the residents' nefarious lives unfold, but, oh Christ, it was actually 17 years ago which reminds us we're not getting anything but a little further over the hill with each passing day.

Anyway, we bloody loved Paddington Green!

You see, as a 16 year old squirt, these tales of suburban life in the big smog filled monster of London seemed like amazing little glimpses into this exciting adult world we were clamouring to be part of. "Oh please let us into the party and let us dance with Jason at the Notting Hill Carnival and then go pick a few locks! PLEASE!" our teenage self would scream.

In fact, we did, at some point, plan some type of pilgrimage to Paddington Green to visit all the landmarks, but, as with most teenage follies, it didn't happen and we just sat at home reading the NME, dreaming about girls who were well out of our league and wallowing in the sickening reality that we weren't a rock star.

Fast forward nearly 20 years, though, and we were over all that teenage angst nonsense (yeah right!) and decided it was high time we rewatched Paddington Green. Luckily, the first two series went up on YouTube earlier this year, so we could finally reconnect with it.

The first aspect of the show that got the old nostalgia juices flowing was Guy Dagul's jazzy theme. Again, to a 16 year old Britpop fan, the world of jazz was a mysterious world which tempted us in to a new world of time signatures and complex sax arpeggios. And it still stands up. It's bright, it's cool and it sums up a late night stroll through London's beguiling streets.

Oh and the characters! They made such an indelible impression on us at the time, so we were quite literally hysterical with excitement over the prospect of revisiting this old bunch of charmers. And, you know what? They've still bloody got it! Well, some of them...

Because, you know, with such a diverse cast it's obvious that some are going to be that little bit more sparkling than others.

Jason the locksmith was always our favourite due to him being bestowed with an almost shamanistic ability to magically open locks with just a few furtive twists of his wrist. It created a sense of amazement, plus he seemed to get paid big wodges of cash for about 5 minutes work - nice work if you can get it. Jason, though, wasn't purely a one dimensional workaholic. He also had a couple of fractious relationships on his plate with his mother and his girlfriend. And God knows we've all been there - gender specific of course.

Mr Gilbert, too, was a charming old stunner of a gent. Completely rude to his customers, but this he promised was simply down to his no-nonsense dispensing of the truth and, come on, all he wanted to do was make them ladies look their prettiest. The wig shop side of things was rather sedate though due to a lack of trade, but his skin rejuvenating cream was a marked piece of genius. God knows what went in it, but again it was an intriguing angle to his character and highlighted his sense of enterprise even in his twilight years.

Jackie, of course, brought a huge helping of poignancy to Paddington Green and was a real case study in the trials and tribulations of humanity. Despite numerous setbacks throughout life such as being fostered as a child, gender identity crises and having to work the seedy streets of west London as a prostitute, she generally remained resolutely upbeat. A world away from the rest of the cast, Jackie helped bring a unique story to the show to stop the series being mired in the mundanity of life.

And, yeah, some of the characters were a little mundane and failed to inspire that devotion to giving two hoots about their unstimulating lives. Thankfully, the editors of Paddington Green soon seemed to cotton on to who the more curious characters were and either consigned the lesser characters to the dustbin or shunted them to the sidelines for nothing more than brief appearances.

That's not to say the main characters didn't slip into mundanity at times. You see, life on this ever revolving, but never truly changing globe is, generally, one quotidian event after the other, so that's why we bear witness to such earth shattering events as Danny going overdrawn. Oh man, he's overdrawn! Jesus! Whatever next? He's lost his favourite scarf?!

But, you know what? By this point we've invested a substantial amount of interest and empathy in Danny's cheery way of life. Seeing his freewheeling ways come off the rails and not being able to afford a night down the pub cuts deep. It's not like Hitler's gone and got himself overdrawn buying one too many lederhosen for his upcoming rally, is it? So, remember: Danny - YES! Hitler - NO!

The original characters, however, slowly started to leave Paddington Green after the first couple of series and, as so often happens, the replacements were unable to imbue that initial connection now that our sensory receptors had been filled by their predecessors. That's not to say the later series weren't full of insightful social intrigue, just take the story of Gary, a survivor of the 1999 Soho pub bombings trying put life in perspective after such a harrowing ordeal.
But the horse had bolted and our attention waned. Although, to be fair, this was also partly down to us finally getting the keys to the adult world and wanting to make our own mark on the world i.e. get drunk and act stupid.

Final Thoughts

Paddington Green was a great piece of late 90s television. Sure, it didn't always reflect the true horrors of urban life, so, in some ways, is very misleading in it's representation of society, but it was able to deliver a fantastic examination of the humdrum life of a living, breathing human chasing those highs and hot tailing it away from the dreaded lows which so often define our character.

One aspect of the show which really stood out was the real sense of enterprise on show by the characters which sums up the power of money in the modern society. Jason relentlessly chases another job sometimes at the expense of his relationships, Dave is constantly searching for that next big deal and Jackie seizes back the power from her schoolhood bullies by exploiting their leering lusts financially.

It's this aspect which gives the show an aspirational feel, but at the same time underlines how us humans can be a magnanimous, but foolhardy bunch. So, we're a bunch of twits, but we don't half love having a fiver in our back pocket at the end of all our endeavours and to hell with the mental ramifications!

What followed in Paddington Green's wake has perhaps tarnished it slightly in the annals of TV history, but come on, it's not like any of the Paddington Green characters were directly responsible for the ignominy of Kinga and that wine bottle in Big Brother was it?! Regardless, it's not actually as well remembered as it perhaps deserves to be. Despite being a popular show to discuss at the time it seems to have faded from many people's memories, so perhaps it's time to start working on that 20th anniversary reunion special.

In the meantime, head over to YouTube and reacquaint yourself with the genteel charms of Paddington Green and let us know who your favourite characters were and why!

Genre: Children's
Channel: BBC1
Transmission: 08/12/1981 - 22/12/1981

Science is a magnificent enterprise which has helped us develop new technologies, make exhilarating postulations about the universe and even clear up athlete's foot.

And we're all exposed to it at school for several long years - science that is, not athlete's foot - so we're more than capable of holding a little scientific wizardry in our brains, even if it is just how to work a bunsen burner. However, some of us - not us obviously - are right science whizz kids and are adept at working out fiendishly complicated science riddles to help advance mankind.

Are these advances always put to good use though? It's a highly complex question and certainly not one that can be answered in a retro TV blog, but we can take a look at a TV program which brought this question to the fore in Codename Icarus.

A Hidden Genius

Martin Smith (Barry Angel) ain't the most popular of pupils at his secondary school due to his nonchalant approach to studying and, in particular, his maths teacher's fury. Martin's grades are hardly setting the world alight either, but then one day he decides to solve a perplexing equation with consummate ease after being challenged by his ranting maths teacher.

The school take this not as a sign that they have a brilliant thinker on their hands, but more that Martin's a bloody cheat, so they call in his parents to relay their utter disdain for Martin's attitude. However, old Martin is actually a child prodigy and spends his spare time working on a school computer solving exceedingly difficult equations set by some mystery taskmaster.

And this mystery taskmaster turns out to be John Doll (Philip Locke) who runs Farleigh School which specialises in nurturing child prodigies and preventing their talents from going to waste. With the rabid approval of Martin's family, young Martin soon finds himself enrolled at Farleigh School where he finds himself in the strange position of being in charge of his teachers due to his undeniable genius.

Things are looking pretty peachy for Martin, but there's a few things bugging him. The school is shrouded in mystery and he keeps getting hypnotised, drugged and put through the psychological washer by the staff and, in particular, his 'teacher' Peter Farley (Geoffrey Collins). And it all seems to be in order to isolate Martin from reality and twist his genius to their own nefarious needs.

Meanwhile, Andy Rutherford (Jack Galloway) is having a treacherous old time from his boss Sir Hugh Francis (Peter Cellier) as someone or something keeps blowing British test missiles out of the sky only seconds after being launched. It spells disaster for Blighty's defence and after Rutherford is unable to pinpoint who's behind it all he finds himself suspended.

However, Rutherford, being of the espionage persuasion, ain't going to let it lie, so decides to go it alone and solve the mysterious goings on which are eating into him. And he's not on his own as he has a scientific expert and confidante in the form of ex-Farleigh pupil, Frank Broadhurst (Gorden Kaye) who certainly knows his onions when it comes to advanced laser techniques.

Will Rutherford discover what the devil's going on and stop Britain tumbling into a state of vulnerability? And who exactly is The Wanderer (John Malcolm) and what are his machiavellian plans? Only time will tell, but Rutherford needs to be careful as there are some very powerful forces at work.

The Inner Workings of Icarus

Codename Icarus may sound like a chivalrous wartime operation where kicking the Hun's posterior and un-annexing Poland is the order of the day, but it is in fact a TV programme with all types of productional facts attached to it.

The writer behind Codename Icarus was Richard Cooper who also wrote Quest of Eagles, Knights of God and Eye of the Storm. Cooper, of course, was so tickled pink with his scripts that he also novelised the serial which was published by the BBC/Knights Book in 1981. And a familiar, and favourite, name of Curious British Telly's, Marilyn Fox, took on the role of director.

Curiously, the show also featured a scientific advisor in the credits and pertained to the enigmatic Professor John Taylor who no doubt had a brain the size of Saturn.

Codename Icarus first aired over a two week period in December 1981 with episodes airing on a Tuesday and Wednesday evening at 5.10pm on BBC1. A repeat of the serial followed in Spring 1984 and was the last transmission of the series. However, a compilation VHS was released by the BBC in 1985 and a region 1 DVD release eventually followed in 2006, but frustratingly a region 2 DVD release is yet to surface.

Luckily, the whole series is up on YouTube or available to download from a few torrent sites.

Flying High with Icarus

We were whiling away our life reading up on the life and times of Gorden Kaye when we came across a little snippet of information about one of his early roles. And, yes, that was his 1982 performance in the barely heard of sitcom Allo, Allo. No, don't be silly, it was of course his role in Codename Icarus. It sounded an intriguing concoction of tellywaves, so we just had to dive in head first.

And Codename Icarus is that rare children's TV show which manages to combine both intelligence and a sense of simplicity without alienating the audience. Kids, you see, just wanna be given respect and treated like they're adults, but at the same time still be allowed to mindlessly run round with their pants down.

There's absolutely no condescending on show during Codename Icarus, but neither do they take the ruthlessly adult route of concentrating on weary political discussions which bore us to tears. And it demonstrates Richard Cooper's (and the BBC's) trust that the audience could engage with such a sophisticated serial which takes in cold war paranoia, child abuse and complex investigations into the concept of free will and choice.

It also helps the series cause that it's perfectly paced over 5 episodes. Many children's serials fall into the trap of being overlong with mind numbingly boring treks where nothing happens and we're left gasping in exasperation at the sense of tedium and bludgeoning repetition. Richard Cooper, however, manages to keep matters brisk and each episode unfolds in an advancing manner, but never once feels rushed.

The characters, too, are equally well formed. Sure, Martin looks like he should be in some Yorkshire Britpop band, but he's layered with depth and his battle with his own genius makes for a captivating watch. John Doll, blimey, he ain't half sinister with his menacingly calm approach to exploiting young genius like some type of diamond mine owner. And Andy Rutherford brings a nice helping of espionage heroism to the table with a sense of determination whose teeth are so gritted he ought to see a dentist after Codename Icarus.

Sir Hugh Francis, we suppose, is a bit of a cliché of a posh espionage boss, but he's a good guy at heart and we found his constant referral to Frank Broadhurst as "the fat man" absolutely hilarious. Talking of Broadhurst, he, again, is well drawn, but we kind of felt as though we didn't get to see enough of him and exactly why he was rebelling against the beauty of his beloved science. A small quibble though as he still makes up a nice part of the jigsaw.

Acting's pretty damn professional too. We suppose Barry Angel ain't exactly on BAFTA award winning form, but let's be fair, it was one of his first roles, so we can't be too harsh on the old chap. Gorden Kaye is certainly less René Artois in this piece and more nuanced, but as we said earlier he doesn't get any truly huge scenes or amount of screentime which is a shame, but he'd certainly go on to make up for that in his career. Finally, Jack Galloway is not only amazingly handsome with his fantastic coiffure, but he's a bloody good actor with a steely British determination and intelligence flowing through his veins.

Not everything, of course, works as is the nature of the imperfect world that we live in, but Codename Icarus comes pretty damn close. However, a few little bits niggled for us. Firstly, how on God's green Earth, did John Doll manage to get in touch with Martin online? It being the early 80s means the internet was in its completely and utterly most basic form, so quite how he managed to zero in on Martin is rather dubious. And the Sue Kleiner character seems rather redundant as she's mostly relegated to acting as a feed for working out Martin's mood.

Overall, though, Codename Icarus is an amazing testament to the intelligence that can be imbued into a children's TV show. Demonstrating such a clever examination on the beauty of science and how it can be twisted by man's greed is a scintillating setup and keeps you on the edge of your seat. God knows why it ain't had a UK DVD release yet, but we live in hope. In the meantime, get over to YouTube and digest its majesty.

It's an exciting time for Curious British Telly as we're launching our first ever competition! And it's the kind of competition where you can win stuff! And the stuff's shiny!

Yes, that's right, up for grabs is a copy of the recently released Lazarus and Dingwall DVD featuring Mark Arden and Stephen Frost aka The Oblivion boys!

It's a cracking series packed full of deadpan gags (think a British Police Squad) and we're delighted that it's finally got a commercial release nearly 25 years after being broadcast.

And that's why we want to give a copy away in an exciting little competition which ain't gonna tax your old grey matter too much, but will involve a little research. Unless you're a right proper, straight out the oven ready made genius.

Anyway, to be in with a chance just answer this fiendish question:

Who plays the police chief heading up Lazarus and Dingwall's station?

A. Brian Wilde
B. George Sewell
C. Peter Bland

Send your answers to our email address or send us a DM on our Twitter @curiousuktelly

Closing date is 30/11/2015

Best of luck, chaps and chappettes!

Series 9 of Peep Show is here and the writers, Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain, have finally decided that these will be the final six adventures for Mark Corrigan and Jeremy Usborne. Forever. Until, of course, they get the band back together for a geriatric reunion special in 2040. And we really want that to happen.

So, yeah, Peep Show, what a marvel it's been over the last 12 years. Mark and Jeremy's exploits straddled our 20s like some comedic facehugger which refused to let go of our guffawing chops. And, by jove, didn't it bloody resonate with us til it hurt?

You see, anyone who's ever stepped foot in that uncertain state known as humanity will know exactly what it's like to go through the whole gamut of finicky and bewildering traits on display in Peep Show. Because, sure, we all want a huge helping of happiness for us, our friends and our families, but, like Mark and Jeremy, we often grind to a halt at that self preservation stage. And it's our intrigue with what happens when you give in to such base, selfish desires that's left us fascinated with Mark and Jeremy's befuddled inner monologues and outrageous external actions.

And what other comedy, nay, tv show, has managed to captivate and thrill us with such a magnificently honest outpouring of comedy and drama? It's left laughter lines on our faces and pathos running through our veins.

All good things must come to an end, though, but rather than carrying out some Stalinist obliteration of our memories, we've decided to immortalise those sublime highs by looking at the 9 best Peep Show episodes!

1. Warring Factions - Series 1 Episode 1

Yes, what better place to start with than the very first episode that kicked off the whole Peep Show saga!

The characters hit the ground at breakneck speed with Jez's wild delusions of grandeur over his abilities as a musician in full flow and Mark's awkwardness with his fellow humans framed perfectly by his undeniably British angst at Sophie unknowingly sitting on his hand. And,over the next 25 minutes, Bain and Armstrong would gradually revealed what the series would be about: failed attempts at romance (Mark/Sophie and Jez/Toni), dark humour (can Jez have sex with someone dying of leukemia?) and the curiously confused workings of Super Hans' brain.

And, for us, it also contains one of the funniest Peep Show scenes, namely the closing scene where Mark ferociously charges after some young kids whilst wielding a metal bar and screaming as Sophie watches on in horror from a bus.

Memorable Quote: "I don't want to go to Waitrose! I want a fuckbuddy!" - Mark

2. Nether Zone - Series 7 Episode 4

The best sitcoms always see the main characters stuck together and, no matter how hard they try, Mark and Jeremy appear to be permanently shackled to each other as a result of their dubious actions and mindsets. But in this cracking episode from series 7 they literally find themselves trapped together in Zahra's flat.

It's the day of Mark's son's christening and all he has to do is go and pick up that reprobate Jeremy from Zahra's flat. Sounds simple and, God knows, it really should be, but this is the El Dude brothers, so naturally they find themselves locked in the lobby of the flat aka the nether zone with no route out.

An intriguing premise, then, but Bain and Armstrong decide to ratchet the tension up to unbearable levels by revealing Zahra and Jeremy slept together the previous night and her boyfriend is on his way round. Oh and there's a disgustingly hilarious moment where Jeremy comes up with a solution to avoid receiving what can only be described as a pissy pizza.

Memorable Quote: "Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the masturbate-athon that is your life, to go to my son's christening?" - Mark

3. Seasonal Beatings - Series 7 Episode 5

Christmas ain't just a time to get drunk and celebrate of that little Jesus Christ fellow, no, it's a time for FESTIVE THEMED TV SHOWS! And Peep Show managed to serve one up with all the usual Christmas trimmings e.g. disappointment, family arguments and getting drunk.

One of the most exciting elements of this episode is that we finally get to meet Mark's parents and understand just why it is that he's so incredibly flawed. This analysis of Mark's neuroses is masterfully built up to with his ineptness to provide any sense of warmth to Dobby and Jeremy on such an important day. And it's the arrival of Mark's father which helps solve what had, up until now, been an enigmatic 7 series riddle over Mark's 'issues' with society. To put it frankly, his father's a bullying, demeaning arsehole and this has shaped almost all of Mark's foibles.

Mark, however, finally snaps and gives his father a right old dressing down against a backdrop of arguments over whether cauliflower's a traditional Christmas vegetable, Mark's sister tries to have sex with Jeremy and Mark's mother gets drunk and flirts with Super Hans. And the crowning glory sees Mark feeding the Christmas ham through a shredder and declaring the day "Christmark".

Memorable Quote: "Let's crank up Classic FM! Let's get our Christmas on!" - Jeremy

4. Jeremy Makes It - Series 2 Episode 2

Meeting an old acquaintance from schools who's done rather well for themselves is always rather irritating. After all, why should they have all this success from putting in the hard work whilst you while away the days fearing your overdraft due to a lack of motivation. Criminal, ain't it?

And that's exactly what happens in this amazing episode from series 2 of Peep Show. Jeremy, you see, bumps into Gog - the kid everyone bullied at school - and is furious to discover that Gog's doing pretty damn well for himself these days as a producer. Naturally, Jeremy is keen to prove himself as equal to - if not better than - Gog and puts forward his services as musician for a Honda advert Gog's working on.

Meanwhile, Mark has made a new friend, but damn and blast it, only looks like Daryl's a big bloody racist who believes Mark's on his bigoted wavelength. Thing is, Daryl plays a mean Cor Anglais (it's a type of flute thing) and Jeremy, despite being furious that Mark has a new friend, a racist friend, insists Mark remains pals with Daryl to help with the Honda advert

This episode really highlights Mark and Jeremy's deeply flawed aspirations and hints at a real undercurrent of tragedy running their lives which they're too arrogant to properly address. And, of course, it's rip-roaringly hilarious to boot as we see just how desperate and needy Mark and Jeremy are thanks to some exceptionally sharp writing.

Memorable Quote: "Remember that time we made you wank off Percy's dog for a fiver?" - Jeremy

5. Wedding - Series 4 Episode 6

There's nothing like a wedding. A true celebration of love, commitment and family. Unless you're that mixed up, crazy emotional car crash of a guy named Mark Corrigan.

Because, you know, Mark's finally got the girl of his dreams in the form of Sophie and they're getting married, but, unfortunately, over the course of this series he's started to have crushingly strong feelings that maybe this whole wedding lark ain't for him. Especially with Sophie. Uh oh!

There's no option other than to wriggle out of it, but Mark remains resolutely spineless even when it comes to breaking Sophie's heart. First, he feebly attempts to get himself deliberately run over and, when this fails, he hits upon a plan of trying to guilt Sophie into calling it off due to her having an illicit smooch with Jeremy. Mark is left desperately manic and with only one possible solution. Hiding. In the church rafters. With a 'desperate for the toilet' Jeremy. And an expectant - but dry for now - throng below.

What we love about this episode of Peep Show is the sense of Britishness on show. Mark's overwrought with anxiety and dread, not only because he doesn't want to marry someone he's not in love with, but because everyone's made a bit of a fuss about the big day and he doesn't want to commit the ultimate social faux pas of upsetting them. It makes for some of the series' most hilarious moments and the final shot of Mark in the rear view mirror of his wedding car pondering whether to visit a prostitute is nothing short of heartbreaking genius.

Memorable Quote: "That's it. I've ruined my life! You only get one life and I've ruined mine!"- Mark

6. Sectioning - Series 3 Episode 2

Jeremy's callous, self-centered quest for a shortcut to success was perhaps summed up best in this episode of Peep Show from series 3.

Back in their Dartmouth Uni days, Mark and Jeremy were friends with Merry, a Canadian girl who was always a little bit quirky. And now she's got back in touch, but she seems to have burst through to the other side of the endearingly kooky spectrum where she's teetering on the brink of insanity. The death of Merry's mother has lumbered not only with mind shattering levels of stress, but also ownership of a pub she can't deal with.

Luckily, Jeremy is on hand to kindly take ownership of the pub from Merry and plans to run it with Super Hans. Unfortunately, they're not able to agree on a name for the pub - Super Hans is hellbent on 'Free the Paedos' - or a focus for it's raison d'etre - Super Hans wants an abandoned washing machine to stay in the bar area. All Jeremy needs to do is get Merry to sign the pub over officially. Problem is, she's just been committed to a mental hospital, but when did common decency and honour ever stand in the way of Jeremy's greedy motives?

Mark, of course, is now officially with Sophie and seems cheerfully content with his lot at last, but then Sophie gets transferred to JLB's Bristol branch and Mark fears this is going throw a spanner into his plans for domestic bliss. And his fears are compounded when Sophie stops returning his calls. Mark, being a reasonable and rational man, decides it's time to stage a mock "oh, well fancy bumping into you here!" meeting with Sophie, but he ain't necessarily going to like what he hears

Series 3 always seemed a little flat to us at the time due to the wild achievements of the first two series, but this particular episode always stood out due to it's portrayal of Jeremy's ruthlessness. He's exposed as a deceitful and exploitative cretin, but nonetheless, you're secretly rooting for him to succeed and front a pub with Super Hans called 'Free the Paedos'. And this emphasizes just how adroit Bain and Armstrong are at crafting simultaneously grotesque and engaging characters.

Memorable Quote: "People like Coldplay and voting for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy." - Super Hans

7. Spin War - Series 5 Episode 2

Mark's political ambitions and train of thought were always a quintessential part of his pretentious and preposterous nature, but in this series 5 episode he had to get all Alastair Campbell on us to repair the damage caused by jilting Sophie at the alter.

However, due to Sophie employing the old 'tears of a scorned bride' routine, the general opinion of Mark at JLB is that he's a real piece of shit. Nonetheless, in the canteen he meets Dobby who's new to this branch of JLB, so is oblivious to the whole wedding scandal. She's a peculiar IT technician, but there's something devastatingly cute about her geekiness plus she seems attracted to Mark. And she proves this attraction with an unbelievably hilarious crotch rubbing scene in the sanctity of the stationary cupboard.

Now, whilst Mark is busy having sexy adventures, Jeremy and Super Hans have become acquainted with Barney - Sophie's easily impressed cousin - who they want to exploit due to his musical wizardry and their lack of talent. However there's a bit of a set to when Barney is forced into saying he would give Super Hans a blowjob over Jeremy if he had to. A gig is planned where Barney's talent is sure to fire them into the limelight, but will Barney come out of the toilet? And why's he locked himself in there?

Spin War is one of the best Peep Show episodes ever as it has our beloved characters sinking to new lows and struggling to navigate their social arenas. And that stationary cupboard scene is, again, one of the funniest things to ever be broadcast in the history of television. David Mitchell isn't necessarily the most physical comedy actor, but in that one scene he managed to convey shock, fear and awe effortlessly and Isy Suttie's gleeful smile juxtaposed this just perfectly.

Memorable Quote: "I win because they all think I pissed myself, when they have no idea I came all in my pants!" - Mark

8. Jeremy's Mummy - Series 5 Episode 4

Jeremy's great aunt has died, so with his mother getting £40,000 he's guaranteed to get half of this as that's what his old dear promised him. Overjoyed at the thought of becoming a "millionaire", Jeremy is clearing out his great aunt's belongings when he happens across a gun which he takes and affectionately names 'gunny'. However, at the funeral, Jeremy's mother reveals that the great aunt's estate will be a lot less than she thought , so Jeremy won't get a penny. Jeremy flies into a toddler like rage and blames his mother's new boyfriend, Martin, for this.

Now, Martin is a seasoned military chap and wants to publish his memoirs, so Mark, enamoured by Martin's background jumps at the chance to work on it. His first task is to interview Martin's daughter, Natalie, about her father and Martin soon gets the impression that she's a lesbian. However, he later wakes up to find Natalie having sex with him despite his protests to stop. Has he been raped?

Jeremy plants gunny in Martin's luggage in an attempt to stitch him and get him right out the picture, but when this fails to work he reveals that Natalie raped Mark. And, as ever, Jeremy and Mark lose everything.

This is another episode which highlights just how well formed and three dimensional Mark and Jeremy are. They're both determined to be happy, but through a mixture of their own stupidity and selfishness they manage to hoist themselves by their own petard. And, sure, Mark gets raped and rape isn't funny, but Armstrong and Bain allow Mark's propensity for refusing to cause a fuss at the expense of his memoirs job allow the comedy to transcend any conceivable taboo.

Memorable Quote: "It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape" - Mark

9. Mark Makes a Friend - Series 1 Episode 4

The final episode to make our rundown is this classic from the first series where we get to meet the inimitable Alan Johnson for the first time.

Mark's at a business conference with his fellow JLB employees learning all about customer service and how to close those oh so important deals. Leading the conference is a hard nosed, straight talking businessman, Alan Johnson, who likes nothing more than getting to grips with a spreadsheet and the gentle natured melodies of the Lighthouse Family.

Mark, obviously, is instantly smitten with Johnson's business drive and ambition, so Jeremy, naturally, feels his inherent jealousy rising as MARK IS HIS FRIEND! Mark and Johnson decide to go into business together, but for Mark it's beginning to feel more like love, so due to his confusion he rents a gay porn film. He struggles to watch it, but he's still not sure if he loves Johnson as just a businessman or a hip thrusting, shoulder rubbing kind of guy.

Jeremy's seething jealously makes him, once again, vengeful and determined to undermine Mark's potential happiness, so Jeremy's struggle to cope on his own is thrust to the fore again whilst Mark's incompetence for dealing with his feelings acts as his Achilles heel and would be repeated time and time again across the series.

Memorable Quote: "What I mean is that they should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like "Yeah, I shoot people, I like shooting people!" I mean, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on." - Jeremy

What on Earth were your favourite episodes?! Let us know in the comments below!

Genre: Children's
Channel: BBC1
Transmission: 04/01/1990 - 08/02/1990

When you're a kid, mastering the art of swapping is pretty essential. After all, there's always something your mate's got that you want and vice versa. Cold hard cash, of course, is a commodity so scare to kids that it's not even worth saving up. And waiting for Christmas or your birthday takes absolute aeons when you're a little squirt, so yeah, swapping, what a great way to get what you want!

Actually, you know what? Eradicating all currency and purely relying on swaps wouldn't half be a good system to consider for the entire world. Ownership is purely transient, so why should we bother fumbling around with coins and notes when, instead, we could reduce the clutter of possessions that, the pursuit of which, causes us untold and biologically unnatural stress?

And money don't even exist anyway! It's purely a series of numbers floating around in the cloud (probably, everything's up there now except God and his unfashionable peace and morality), so let's consign it to the trashcan because quite frankly we've all had enough of bankers running round with their trousers down and their shirts off whilst glugging jeroboams of champagne.

So, to sum up, in just a few paragraphs we've managed to solve all the financial stresses and injustices that riddle society. The future of market trading lies in swapping and we're all gonna live happily ever after like in that John Lennon song 'Imagine'. What a splendid bunch of sods we are!

Oh wait, hang on, we'd only gone and forgotten about bloody Alfonso Bonzo! Now there's a cautionary tale on the dangers of swaps if ever we heard one, so let's take a quick ganders at it!

Let's Get Swapping!

Billy Webb (Scott Riley), now there's a veteran and somewhat master of the old swap scene. With an almost magisterial touch, young Billy is able to negotiate amazing swaps on all types of crazy items with the residents of Splott Street and his mucky fingered school mates at Splott Junior and Infant School.

Billy's swaps make him popular with his peers, but his propensity for swapping anything in pursuit of that killer deal drives his Mum (Susan Porrett) and Dad (Brian Hall) bleeding nuts. However, if the thought of Billy swapping his jumper for some dusty old Elvis LPs irritates them, then they need to strap themselves in as Alfonso Bonzo (Alex Jennings) is moseying on into town.

Alfonso Bonzo is a curiously enigmatic Italian chap who dresses flamboyantly and whose arrival is always heralded by a jaunty whistling that not even a particularly jocular milkman could match. But what is he? Well, he's an Italian exchange student, but this ain't none of that coming over here to learn about our culture lark. No, he's simply come to perform incredible swaps with the esteemed swapper, Billy Webb.

Want a magical bag? Alfonso's got one! Want a talking dog? Alfonso's got one! Want a job? Get down the job centre, son! These swaps are, naturally, amazing, but due to their otherworldly nature, they're completely unpredictable and land Billy in a right load of bother that he struggles to wriggle out of. And as the intensity of these swaps increases, Billy begins to wonder exactly what Alfonso's long term motives are.

The whole story is told in flashback by Billy who is now holed up in hospital with a broken leg (how the devil did he acquire that?) and is regaling journalist Trevor Trotman (Mike Walling), who also has a broken leg, about his encounters with Alfonso.

Behind the Swaps

Back in those of halcyon days of 1986 not only did we have the release of The Queen is Dead and the sublime genius of Maradona at the Mexico World Cup, but we also saw the release of the children's book Alfonso Bonzo by Andrew Davies!

Davies, of course, is best known for his TV adaptations of Pride and Prejudice and Vanity Fair, but he was also the master behind one of the most underrated sitcoms ever, Game On. Anyway, Davies saw something in Alfonso Bonzo, so decided to adapt it for the small screen.

Alfonso Bonzo first aired in January 1990 on BBC1 in the 4.30pm slot in the CBBC schedule and ran for 6 episodes. The series received just one repeat, about 18 months later on BBC1 again. Billy Webb, however, went on to have further adventures in Billy Webb's Amazing Stories, but this was sans Alfonso.

The whole series has recently gone up on YouTube, but it's also available on DVD from various rare DVD sites.

What's in a Swap?

"Alfonso Bonzo? What's that?!" we demanded to know when one of our mates mentioned it to us several months ago. It was, apparently, some kids show that we really should have watched back in the early 90s. Well, sorry, son, but we can't remember that one. Must have passed us by like the concept of sobriety.

We had a quick look on YouTube, but at the time there was only one episode up. And when it comes to a series with a narrative, that ain't much use to our old tellywaves blog. However, time is relative and feasts upon destiny, so it was only a matter of time before some erstwhile TV fanatic uploaded the entire series to YouTube.

With Alfonso Bonzo at our fingertips it was time to hit the play button.

First off, Billy Webb frequently refers to Alfonso as a "mad Italian hippy", but we feel this is a little harsh. He's too dapper to be a hippy. In fact, if you can imagine a late 1980s Italian take on Doctor Who then that's exactly what Alfonso is. There's a whiff of the Milanese catwalks about Alfonso's attire and, blimey, Alex Jennings only goes and manages to add even more class to the character!

Alex Jennings, right, has won three Olivier Awards and, based purely on his Alfonso Bonzo showing, he's deserved every single one. He's simply amazing in the role of Alfonso and manages to exude charisma at every turn. With that amazing smile delivering a genuinely rich Italian accent it's no wonder that Billy's mum and sister go all giddy over him.

But don't forget little Billy Webb because Scott Riley's a likable little oik with a seemingly never ending pallet of incredulous faces to portray disbelief about the utter carnage going on around him. Riley didn't go on to have a career in acting which is a shame as he's a promising young actor compared to the vast swathes of wooden child acting surrounding him in the industry.

The rest of the characters are very much bit players in the story between Billy and Alfonso, but it doesn't mean their acting should go unheralded. Brian Hall, as ever, brings that likable Cockney air to Billy's dad which we'll never tire of and Bryan Pringle as headmaster Mr Hardwood delivers his trademark dour and gloomy disposition.

And what about the story? Well, it's one of those wonderfully quirky 4.30pm shows that the BBC used to deliver in spades. Andrew Davies has managed to craft a lighthearted series with plenty of knockabout fun and an incredibly creative sense of adventure which transports the viewer out of normality and into some wonderfully surreal universe. However, in the final episode there's a sudden shift towards pathos as we see the true nature of Alfonso's motives revealed and it pierces through the laughter with a tragic yearning for happiness.

The one thing we weren't completely enamoured with is the whole flashback story telling. Don't get us wrong, Mike Walling is a fantastic comedy actor and he's bubbling away with a comedic vim and vigour which perfectly complements Andrew Davies' dialogue. However, the narrative is pretty straightforward, so interspersing it with a bit of chat about how they were born, how they lived and how they died malarkey feels a little redundant. A minor quibble, but we like to point out these flaws as otherwise the illusion of perfection is all too obvious!

Would We Swap This?

Alfonso Bonzo teaches some important lessons to the kids. Namely that you should be happy with what you've got and the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's easy to become greedy when something shiny's dangled in front of your eyes, but a sense of realism needs to be adhered to otherwise things can go tits up. And family, after all, is something you can never afford to lose.

It's a fine lesson for young minds to be tutored in and, Christ, if we'd have watched it at the time we may not have ended up in the disastrous Monster in My Pocket swap in 1992. It still haunts us to this day the way we lost our Behemoth *shudders*

And this message is detonated in our minds by the glorious explosives that are Andrew Davies sparkling script and a whole range of impressive performances which prevent boredom seeping into our ticking little minds.

So, swapping isn't necessarily the answer to the world's endless troubles caused by financial lust and gain. But what is the answer to this? How are we going to build a utopian society where we're freed from the shackles of possessions and the hardships they create from their initial production up to the greedy desire for owning them if even just fleetingly? Sadly we're too far gone and removed from our cave dwelling simplistic past, so to hell with it! Just lose yourself in Alfonso Bonzo and learn what you can about the true definition of security and happiness.

Genre: Comedy
Channel: BBC3
Transmission: 23/01/2009

There's always a kid at school who's got at least two webbed fingers. It's a fairly minor quirk of evolution and completely innocuous, but it becomes somewhat of a fascination to everyone. And in particularly boring geography lessons all you can do is stare at this webbed fingered entity and wonder if their mum had a bit of how's your father with a frog.

And it's this lurid obsession with the abnormal that leads to a grotesque desire to shine a light on these harmless souls. Way back in the olden days the freak show was a popular carnival treat which promised to highlight the rarities of Mother Nature's hand, but it's not the olden days anymore, so TV reigns supreme. Hence the endless glut of shows on Channel 4 and Channel 5 which propose to document the lives of people who are physically unnatural in the eyes of a perfectionist society.

It's a fairly modern phenomenon of the TV schedules and one that don't seem to be going anytime soon, so it's ripe for lampooning and satirising. And that's exactly what Alice Lowe did in LifeSpam: My Child is French.

LifeSpam Me Up

LifeSpam is a sketch show which takes us through various documentaries spoofing the 'freak show' genre by dreaming up ridiculous and surreal subjects. Alice Lowe stars in numerous roles such as the mother who has given birth to a French son and feels the need to dump him in Calais where he belongs, a woman who is absolutely petrified and disgusted by Boy George and she also stars as one of Simon Farnaby's 1000 wives.

Uncanning the LifeSpam

LifeSpam was a one off pilot made for BBC3 and aired in January 2009. Alice Lowe took on all the writing duties whilst Jacqueline Wright directed the pilot and that charming Rob Brydon chap took on that enigmatic role of executive producer. Sharon Horgan also appeared, but purely in a vocal form as the narrator for the various spoofs taking place.

A repeat of LifeSpam followed in March 2009, but a full series did not materialise. The whole show has been preserved on YouTube, so you've got absolutely no excuse for not dipping your toe into the LifeSpam water.

Digesting a LifeSpam Sandwich

We'd been wowed by Alice Lowe in Garth Marengi's Darkplace and her adroit ability to pop up in practically every significant comedy going (The IT Crowd, Little Britain, Hot Fuzz, The Mighty Boosh)meant we held her in rather high esteem. Therefore, we were delighted to see that she had this intriguing sketch show pilot airing late one night on BBC3.

And we watched it. On iPlayer. And found it bloody funny. Then there was silence and we heard no more about it, but that's the commissioning process for you.

Anyway, as we literally just stated, we found it bloody funny, so it always remained in that favourable location in our brain known as the comedylar gland which stores up all noteworthy guffaws. And that's why we decided to revisit and see how it stood up several years on.

First things first, but, believe it or now, we actually worked with Alice Lowe on a project about a year after LifeSpam went out, so we've got to watch her act all close up. And, damn, she's amazing! Whereas any request for us to act has resulted in a quivering, falsetto voiced twerp, Alice Lowe is the opposite end of the spectrum. It's a mystery to us how she manages to conjure up that acting magic with the grace and ease of an Olympic gymnast, but by jove she does it and does it in spades.

So, yeah, her acting ability means she's able to morph herself into all these different roles and not once come across samey. It helps give LifeSpam a vibrancy packed full of performances which help conceive unique individuals all imbued with rich idiosyncrasies. She can go from gobby, chavvy types living in a web of hair to quirky, brainwashed by religion wife types making up a bizarre conga style line of 1000 wives in the blink of an eye.

And the writing is pretty damn sharp too. The comedy digs deep down into that richly absurb vein of British humour seen in Big Train, but the darker elements of the writing also hint at a Jam influence nestling in the background. It's one of our favourite genres of comedy as we find it exciting, dangerous and incredibly mind expanding compared to the sterile reality we trudge through every day. So, yeah, we certainly ain't going to complain about the material, but it does clash slightly with the stereotypical yoof comedy that BBC3 was, at the time, absolutely in lust with.

Joe Clay in The Times commented that LifeSpam was "An ill-advised comedy sketch show pilot that tries to spoof the unspoofable - the shock doc. When factual programmes like The Girl with Eight Limbs are already being shown, it's hard for the show's creator, Alice Lowe, whose credits include Garth Marenghi's Darkplace and E4's Beehive, to come up with anything weird enough to amuse." and, yeah, we guess he's right that it's difficult to reach outside of this already absurd universe to truly turn the genre on it's head.

But it is funny, Joe, believe us, it's funny!

Final LifeSpam

LifeSpam is a fantastic showcase of Alice Lowe's acting and writing talents which mark her out as a comedic gem, so it's no surprise she's gone on to garner more success in projects such as Sightseers radio show Alice's Wunderland.

However, old Joe Clay probably does have a point that the absurd subject matter of LifeSpam is always going to mean pushing the envelope with a spoof is difficult. Over the course of one episode it didn't bother us in the slightest, but it's likely it would have begun to grate after 6 episodes.

There's genius pumping through Alice Lowe's bloodstream, though, so we look forward to another televisual project from her in the future. Therefore, we heartily recommend going to YouTube and watching the LifeSpam pilot for some truly irrational and preposterous laughs.

And, finally, if you see someone with webbed fingers, don't stare at them. They're just the same as you, but slightly better at swimming.

Genre: Childrens
Channel: BBC1
Transmission: 18/11/1987 - 23/11/1987

Humans are born a right immature bunch. Not only are we incontinent, but we cry almost non-stop and we can't do much more apart from lie on our back. Take a look across the animal kingdom at, for example, horses and you'll find that their darling little foals are on their hooves and walking within a few hours. However, who ends up riding and whipping who at the Grand National?

It's us, of course, and this is partly because we're able to grow into such intelligent (and gambling mad) beings due to the family support network surrounding us. And the buck doesn't stop at abandoning us when we can walk and fend for ourselves. Families are a lifelong bond and this gives them an exclusive, almost sacred feel, but they can easily be fractured by a breakdown in parental relations.

The pursuit of familial life, though, means that different sets of divorced families often combine into new hybrid families. This disrupts the status quo of these individuals' concept of family and can take a lot of readjustment. And things are made even harder when they also take in an alien on the run from a rival bunch of aliens who list genocide as their number one hobby. This is Aliens in the Family and we're your looking glass into this crazy mixed up scenario!

Family Breakup, Alien Madness

Down on that curiously green and blue planetknown as Earth, a couple of families have come together following the jagged effects of divorce. David (Rob Edwards) has managed to find new love in the form of Phillipa (Clare Clifford), but they both come with, uh, baggage (is that too cruel?) in the form of their seperate sets of kiddywinks.

David is bringing Jacqueline aka Jake (Sophie Bold) to the table whilst Phillipa has managed to squeeze Dora (Claire Wilkie) and Lewis (Sebastian Knapp) out of her womb in the preceding years. Jake, as the name suggests, is very tomboy like in nature and rather androgynous in looks (we suspected it was a young John Squire at first) and is the polar opposite of Dora who's all hairspray and bust enhancing cream. Naturally, tensions flare between Jake and Dora, but Lewis is a little more amenable as he's a young 'un with less prejudice.

Meanwhile, up in that there galactic galaxy, is a Galgonquan spaceship where - another set of siblings - Bond (Grant Thatcher) and Solita (Elizabeth Watkins) are getting all anxious about Bond's upcoming assessment - they're just like us panicking humans really. Solita needs to disguise herself on Earth as an everyday object and Bond is tasked with locating and retrieving this (all after disguising himself as a human being man). Doesn't sound too testing, but there's also the threat of the sinister Wirdegen to content with who want to turn Galgonquans inside out to make a nice rug in front of their alien fires.

As with all narrative dramas, things go tits up pretty quickly for all involved from the very start. Jake can't stand life at David and Phillipa's house and Bond finds himself fleeing from the Wirdegen almost as soon as he's set foot on Earth. Bond ends up with the Earth kids on a desperate quest to find Solita and get home asap.

Behind the Story

Aliens in the Family started off life as a series of words formed into sentences and various narrative devices in what we all know as a novel by the late Margaret Mahy. The BBC decided to dramatise it in 1987, so Allan Baker broke out his typewriter and Christine Secombe brought her children's tv experience to the fore as director.

Episodes first aired on Wednesdays at 5.10pm on BBC1 under the CBBC umbrella in late 1987. Episodes were around 25 minutes long and were repeated on the following Sunday. The series was repeated on BBC1 in 1989, but that was the last time Aliens in the Family had its tellywaves transmitted into our retinas.

Luckily, the whole series is preserved on YouTube, so you ain't got no excuse for taking even the tiniest of peeks at it.

Families! What a Nightmare!

We were sent a bundle of DVDs several months ago and in amongst them was a curious show entitled Aliens in the Family. We can't half get a bit of 80s sci-fi, so watching it was pretty much a given. Sure, it was a sunny day outside, but what sort of TV anorak actually likes the warm sun beating down on their pasty skin? In reality, we're far from pasty, but it's a nice stereotype to beam out and maintain.

Oh and Margaret Mahy wrote the original novel and she also wrote Nonstop Nonsense which is probably one of our most favourite books ever, so resisting the temptation of this show was getting harder and harder. We had absolutely no choice but to stick it on and get stuck in.

JESUS H. CHRIST! This show looks and sounds so 80s it's unbelievable. From the warbling sounds of U2 and Kim Wilde dominating the radio waves to the plethora of beige and insipid looking electronics in a branch of Currys we were in mediocre taste heaven! And there was even a quick glimpse of a PoundStretchers complete with stretched logo to show how far your money can go (those bloody marketing scamps!).

Talking of the show's looks, we really liked the design of the Galgonquans. We appreciate that they could easily have walked out of a Jon Pertwee era Doctor Who story - and this is indicative of the lack of progress made in terms of prosthetics and effects by British TV - 15 years earlier, but they weren't too embarrassing. There was a hint of humanity to them, but different enough to mark them out as otherworldly beings. And their spaceship wasn't too bad either, thankfully it was kept fairly minimalist and the special effects didn't stink either.

The Earth children's acting was a bit of a sore point for us. It was that terrible, wooden delivery and lack of emotional breadth which can ruin a show, so things were not getting off to a good start. Note, however, that Sebastian Knapp and Claire Wilkie have gone on to have long acting careers, so it's proof that British child actors are capable of improving tenfold when they stick at it.

Storywise, it weren't too bad. It tackled some important family themes that huge numbers of the audience would have been able to identify with and there was a good old fashioned dash to safety to keep them entertained. The Wirdegen were a great addition and the menace portrayed by the Wirdegen leader ws simultaneously fantastic and nightmare inducing. In fact, there were a few dark, disturbing moments such as the Wirdegen takeover of little Lewis, so it gets extra kudos from us for that.

Aliens in the Family, however, did fall into that classic trap of overstretching the story. The dash towards the stone circle (yes, there's a mystical stone circle, who doesn't love them?) seemed to take forever and they probably could have shaved an episode off the serial to keep things tighter and more on track. And do the parents really add much here apart from bewilderment? The final revelation to Bond from his superiors also meant that the serial ended with somewhat of a whimper and the feeling of being cheated out of the emotional investment we'd made.

Recommended?

Aliens in the Family is a decent, but flawed bit of children's TV. It's glorious representation of 80s culture got us really excited, but sadly the story and the main leads didn't nail it. Too often we found boredom nibbling at the edges of our concentration. It's not a terrible piece of children's telefantasy, but it certainly doesn't hold a candle to other shows from that era. However, it's definitely worth a watch as there are a few creepy moments sprinkled throughout and a couple of decent performances from the adults.

Genre: Childrens
Channel: ITV
Transmission: 16/10/1991 - 06/11/1991

Do we love the idea of time travel? Of course we bleeding well do! In fact, since 1986 - when we first encountered Doctor Who - we've constantly fantasised about travelling through time. And, curiously enough, we're rather obsessed with going back to 1986.

Just imagine how amazing it would be! We could go and check out some retro trainers, revisit shops that we had only fleeting memories of and digest an absolute gutload of retro TV - absolutely everything on the box would be retro, sounds like heaven!

However, once we discovered that it was nigh on impossible to get hold of any absinthe in the UK we'd more than likely suffer a prolapse. So, yeah, time travel it's a dangerous old game and one that should be approached with due care and attention. Because not only can you be deprived of anise-flavoured spirits, you can get yourself into a right lot of bother just like in that Time Riders.

Let's Do the Time Warp

Dr B.B Miller (Haydn Gwynne) is a motorbike riding scientist (yep, she's pretty cool and radical) who is busy working on a time machine project in the depths of Professor Crow's (Clive Merrison) scientific facility. He isn't keen on B.B's work as he sees it as a useless waste of grant money, but he's got enough on his plate dealing with animal experimentation to truly do something about it.

B.B takes Crow with a pinch of salt and continues working on her time machine. And, bloody hell, she only goes and manages to bring back a Victorian urchin, Ben (Kenneth Hall), to the present day. What an amazing and marvellous achievement, hey? Pat on the back for old B.B!

Crow - despite rolling his eyes in an incredulous manner at first - soon realises that old B.B has stumbled on something pretty special. He's probably got his eyes on a Nobel Prize and, seeing as it's his facility, he decides that he's going to take all the credit for it. First, though, he and his sickly insane sidekick Hepworth (Kerry Shale) need to perform a few experiments to carbon date young Ben e.g. removing his spinal column

B.B, and Ben, aren't keen on this malarkey, so B.B modifies her motorbike into a time machine and they zoom off into the past. They arrive in 1645 during the middle of the English Civil War and find themselves having to fend of accusations of witchcraft, getting pulled up in front of a firing squad and trying to explain the concept of a motorbike to 17th century disbelievers.

Tinkering with Time

Time Riders aired on ITV in Autumn 1991 and episodes - produced by Thames Television - were roughly 25 minutes each. Kenneth Hall helped introduce the first episode with Tommy Boyd from the CITV studio.

Michael Winterbottom - famous for The Trip, 24 Hour Party People, A Mighty Heart - directed the script which was the result of Jim Eldridge's busy fingers.

Filming took place at Polytechnic of Wales and Caerphilly (notably at the castle).

Travelling Through the Time Space Continuum

We were sent a DVD of Time Riders a while back and for a myriad of reasons hadn't got round to sticking it on our old tellybox, but, suddenly, the time felt right, so we seized the day with eager hands and immersed ourself in some early 90s kids TV.

The opening credits feature a predictable time tunnel and we found ourselves thinking "Oh, Christ! Whatever cliche are they going to dream up next? A robot dog?!", but thankfully things turned out to be not so bad. And this is mostly down to the incredible efforts of Michael Winterbottom to give a shot in the arm of the rather moribund entity known as children's TV direction.

You see, what he don't seem to like is a load of boring old static angles. He wants movement, he wants texture and he bloody well goes out and gets it. The whole serial feels big and Winterbottom cleverly uses quick cuts in and out of the action to remind us how large the world we're visiting is and that there's more to it than just the main protagonists.

But it's the layers of emotion and action that Winterbottom manages to wring out of the camera which really impressed us. Mounted cameras are fixed to motorbikes to create a sense of urgency, we're treated to POV perspectives to immerse us in terrifying medical procedures whilst the use of dollys helps conjure up an all enveloping sense of movement.

The direction is miles ahead of anything else on children's TV at the time - although Dark Season comes close - and series' such as Grange Hill and Byker Grove look very sedentary next to Time Riders. Winterbottom's ambition gives Time Riders a filmic edge and, given the considerably large cast, we would be intrigued to find out what the budget was.

Anyway, we've waxed lyrical about Winterbottom's undeniable genius, so let's take a look at the acting.

Time Riders is packed full of great acting and a wonderful list of cast members. Haydn Gwynne brings glamour and strength to her leading role with a healthy dose of determination, Kerry Shale is disturbingly terrifying as Hepworth with his sinister and sadistic glee spilling out of his every pore and Clive Merrison aka Mark's Dad from Peep Show exudes a ruthless egomania with aplomb. And that's just the present day folk!

Ian McNeice, James Saxon (D'Arcy De Farcy!!!) and Julie T. Wallace have all had long and successful careers (RIP James Saxon), so it's not simply a case of them playing the old "we're from the past and are bemused and confounded by your futuristic ways". No, in fact, they mirror Professor Crow's megalomania and they capture this perfectly. They perhaps trail slightly behind the madness of Irongron in the Doctor Who serial, The Time Warrior, but who doesn't?

What's that you say? Where's our comments on young Kenneth Hall's performance? Well, uh, it's not great. It's not the most wooden performance we've ever seen, but it's far from sterling silver either. His lack of roles - at least according to IMDB - is perhaps testament to the realisation that acting isn't his forte. It leads to a lack of spark between him and Haydn Gwynne, but, in his defence, he isn't handed many killer lines in the script. Oh, the script! Let's take a look at that!

Weaved into the Time Riders story there are some seriously sinister themes. Hepworth and Crow's intent for human vivisection is a disturbing concept to fling in the face of youth, but, by jove, flung in their face it is. And then there's the outright bizarre actions of Lord and Lady Chalmerston who (it's subtly hinted at) have some sort of fetish for murder - A Fred and Rose West of the 17th Century if you will.

It's never overtly graphic, though, so it's not something that you can imagine Mary Whitehouse getting her bloomers in too much of a twist over. And coupled to this darkness are some genuinely funny lines - our favourite being Lady Chalmerston's reassuring quip to her husband: "You know you always feel guilty after you've killed someone".

There's plenty of action - coupled with the brilliant directing - to keep you on your toes, but it does get a little repetitive even over just 4 episodes: B.B and Ben get captured, they escape, they get captured, they escape ad nauseum. Then, of course, there's the lack of chemistry between B.B and Ben - unfortunately this is down to Ben being portrayed as a one dimensional urchin who lacks any real personality, he's certainly no Artful Dodger.

And why are Professor Crow and Hepworth suddenly abandoned? They're a good double act, but after episode 1 they all but disappear despite imparting a real sense of menace. If, somehow, they could have pursued B.B and Ben through time then this could have given the show a bit more purpose. As it is, we weren't too concerned with the 17th Century villains motives.

Oh and the ending is a little too straightforward and easy which left us thinking "Oh, so they went down that route. PREDICTABLE FIENDS!".

Final Thoughts

Michael Winterbottom delivers a phenomenal performance directing Time Riders, but Jim Eldridge's script, despite delivering some great dialogue and exploring some adult themes, just fails to fully gel for us. The lack of development in Ben's character is the real sticking point and we wanted a bit more invention and ingenuity in how the plot unfolded.

Would we would advise you to watch it? Sure, we certainly would, as there's some great camerawork to make you ponder exactly why so much of children's (and adult) TV before the late 90s was so ponderous and wooden in terms of direction. And there's a whole host of faces to spot putting in some good performances, so feel free to head over to YouTube and watch it!

And has it changed our mind on travelling back to 1986 if we got the chance? Well, young Ben seemed to survive all the terrors of the past and he was useless, so what the hell, we can't do any worse and there's the added bonus that we'd get to watch Sebastian the Incredible Drawing Dog.

Genre: Childrens
Channel: BBC1
Transmission: 22/09/1990 - 29/12/1990

Waking up in the morning is a frightful affair, but this is tempered somewhat by that delicious breakfast which is seductively lurking just a short stumble from your still warm bed. Breakfast has got a reputation for being the most important meal of the day and it's hard to argue with a meal which transforms you from lumbering zombie into the requisite approximation of appearing compos mentis.

Sure, we may be dressing the humble meal of breakfast up with a bit too much hyperbole, but it's importance should never be underestimated. Although, for many people, breakfast amounts to nothing more than a bowl of mundane wheaty mush, ultimately, it helps to break down the sense of ease and dischord which clouds our foggy morning minds.

Helping to squeeze out a few more drops of escapism to the inevitable onslaught of another long day is breakfast television. As the hot, sweaty hand of work snakes ever closer to your jugular, you can lose yourself in the banality of those tellywaves for just a few moments and forget that you'll soon be creaking under the strain of the 9 - 5. And if anything's going to offer you a brief victory in evading that crushing realisation that it's time to put on your tie, it's Breakfast Serials.

Laying the Table

Cereal manufacturers know what we want. We need something to cut through that curiously downbeat air which manifests itself around 7.30am on weekdays. And that something is variety. Yes, there's a saviour to the monotony of early mornings and it comes in the form of the variety cereal pack. The brief spark of excitement offered by the tantalising array of options allows us to briefly shrug off that strenuous dread of routine which is just around the corner.

And Breakfast Serials casts itself as the television equivalent. It rails against the tedium of early mornings with short, sharp stabs of drama, comedy and kitchen utensils. Episodes are bookended by The Kitchen Crew aka Teapot, Tin Can and Tomato who ground the show with their trivial, but sometimes surreal mutterings and propensity for delivering hackneyed gags. The variety driven nature of the show begins to seep in once these anthropomorphised kitchen dwellers step to one side to allow the tone and texture of the show to be shaped by a myriad of short serials.

Rallying the viewer with their intoxicating sense of variety, Breakfast Serials manages to run the whole gamut of mankind's vast emotional breadth. Flexing its muscular array of choice we're treated to biting lampoons in the form ofCheapo TV, sinisterly bizarre thrillers such as Runners and Nice Chap, the equally baffling performance art of Zounds and, finally, the one off bonkers stories of Single Tales. Episodes are closed by the re-emergence of The Kitchen Crew who are unable to restrain themselves from launching into song as the end credits scroll past.

Cooking up Breakfast

Breakfast Serials found itself serving up 15 helpings of its anthology style madness in late 1990 with episodes measuring around 35 minutes. Episodes aired 8am on Saturday mornings and the series was limited to one solitary run.

The dominant name behind the scenes was that future writing star, Russell T Davies, who co-wrote the show with the curiously monikered writing group, The Salad Pig. Mysteriously, no director is listed in the credits, but Russell T Davies is on hand to pick up the producer credit.

With a myriad of roles on offer, they're divided up between a fairly small cast of Caroline Berry, John Biggins, Lucy Jenkins and William Petrie.

Tucking In

Breakfast Serials wasn't part of our sinew-straining introduction to Saturday mornings for one reason or another, but it was a proposition that intrigued us. Russell T Davies' presence meant that the promise of fantastic dialogue partnered with astounding narrative and emotional depth were less a certainty, more an iron clad promise.

We managed to track down two complete episodes and a handful of clips on YouTube, so, although it would be difficult to get a handle on the long term fruits of following the serials, we would be able to get a little taster.

The one section which really dazzled and shined with Russell T Davies' trademark wit were the magnificently ludicrous parodies of Cheapo TV. These satires are enlivened with an almost vociferous knuckleduster fuelled attack on the repetitive devices employed in shows such as Last of the Summer Wine and Howards' Way with devastating skill and timing. Nice Chap, too, has a proficient comic flavour swilling around the edges of its dramatic narrative which unleashes a surreal atmosphere.

Other sections, however, unfortunately reflect the perplexity of early mornings, although we concede that some of this is down to our lack of exposure to the entire run. Take, for example, Runners which seeps onto our screens with an inherent menace, but is ultimately packed full of trepidatious looks and long pauses. Russell T. Davies would later refine this creeping menace in the outstanding Dark Season, but here it bored us as the narrative wholeheartedly rejected any discernible meaning.

And as for Zounds, well, much like receiving a knee to the groin, it's a swift affair, but essentially leaves you hurt, frustrated and whispering obscenities for some time afterwards.

There are plenty of bright, snazzy comedic performances in Breakfast Serials and the actors generate a healthy sense of variety across their glut of roles. Only Caroline Berry and William Petrie achieved any level of sustained success in the world of acting, so Breakfast Serials certainly wasn't a launchpad for a new generation of talent.

Washing up the Breakfast Bowl

Breakfast Serials failed to reach the upper echelons of children's TV, instead we found it floundering around the lower rungs albeit with well meaning intentions. Unfortunately, it feels as though the writers had a million ideas frothing to emerge on screen when a more harsh approach in the cutting room was needed. By dispensing with the self-indulgently surreal segments such as Zounds, Breakfast Serials could have concentrated on refining the more interesting aspects of Russell T. Davies and The Salad Pig's vision of breakfast salvation.

You may have noticed, on these pages, that I've got a certain ~~fondness~~ obsession with revisiting the TV shows which coloured my most early years. Now, it's all very well and good to research and write about these shows, but what would happen if I literally revisited one?

Well, today, I did! And the show in question was Tales from Fat Tulip's Garden!

The Beginnings of a Documentary

Back in the early days of Curious British Telly, I wrote an article about the curiously forgotten gem that was Tales from Fat Tulip's Gardenwhich starred Tony Robinson telling a multitude of manic tales. The show was set in the beautiful Tudor house known as Little Monkhams and the memory of this house had remained embedded deep within my memory for decades.

Fast forward a couple of years and I found an email nestling in my inbox from Faye Miller regarding my article.

She was in the process of putting together a short documentary about imaginary narrative experiences and wanted to use Fat Tulip as the main focus point. Interestingly, Faye is based in Australia where, unbeknownst to me, Fat Tulip had resonated strongly with our antipodean cousins and racked up quite a following. Anyway, it only took me about a millisecond to respond and confirm a hearty YES!

As with many productions, patience is a virtue when it comes to getting the wheels in motion, so there was a long period of silence on the documentary. I began to get a little anxious that maybe the production had fallen to the wayside, but at the start of this year progress suddenly picked up. A filming date was scheduled for the start of April and luckily my diary was free.

To help capture the spirit and essence of Fat Tulip, the filming location would be at Knighton Wood, Buckhurst Hill where many of the exterior shots were filmed.

Oh and there would be one final jewel in the crown: Tony Robinson - the beating heart of Fat Tulip - was going to attend and take part in an interview!

Remembering Fat Tulip

Obviously, I wasn't the only contributor to the production as it would have been fairly limited in scope and not reflective of the affection the show still holds in people's hearts.

Perhaps most closely related to Fat Tulip were Rob and Kate Allen whose grandparents had owned and lived in Little Monkhams when the series was originally filmed. Rob also brought along an amazing scrapbook packed full of pictures of Little Monkhams in its heyday. This helped to demonstrate the amazing family atmosphere and sense of history imbued within its thick stone walls and wooden beams.

Also attending was Richard Chambers, a fellow fan of Fat Tulip and somewhat of an intrepid explorer when it comes to Fat Tulip. Back in 2010, Richard revisited Little Monkhams, but found it in a terrible state of disrepair - his fantastic blog article Sad Tales From Fat Tulip's Garden details his sad findings.

Once we had convened with the marvelously friendly and talented production crew, it was time to get started with the filming. Various locations had been selected around a pond in Knighton Wood which had also featured in Fat Tulip, so it helped to re-create the sights and sounds that the original Fat Tulip production team had experienced.

And Knighton Wood really is an idyllic slice of woodland. The sun was filtering perfectly through the branched sky above as giant trees stood proudly and ducks floated placidly upon the water. What's interesting about these peaceful, serene surroundings is that it makes for a huge juxtaposition with the vibrant, hurtling energy of the tales in Fat Tulip.

Once settled in our surroundings it was time to get started. Rob, Richard and Kate all recorded short interviews where they reminisced about the show and discussed what the show meant to them and how it had shaped their imagination. Being far too self conscious for camera, I recorded a short audio interview later on.

Anyway, next came Tony Robinson and, I'm pleased to announce, that he is a complete gent. He turned up with an infectious smile and this had soon spread across all our faces as he treated us to a few voices from Fat Tulip. He discussed the show with great insight and touched upon the genesis of the show, why he wanted the show to stoke the imaginations of children and what it meant for him.

It was clear that Fat Tulip was never 'just another job' for Tony and his passion for the show came straight from the heart. Special mention, of course, has to go to Tony's professionalism. Watching a skilled professional up close is always a treat and Tony spoke with an ease that belied his vast, vast experience in television. And rather than leaping in a waiting car as soon as he'd done his interview, he was more than happy to stick around and answer any questions.

The documentary should be uploaded to the web at some point, so I'll keep you posted!

Revisiting Little Monkhams

Obviously, I couldn't go all this way and not visit the remains of Little Monkhams. After all, it had made such a strong impact on me at the time. Here was a building which was not just home to a whole host of intriguing characters, but, more importantly, it also represented the possibilities of my imagination and how something could be created from nothing.

I trekked through Knighton Wood and, with a little help from a local, I was soon at Little Monkhams. Sadly, six years on from Richard's blog, it's in an even more tragic state. I managed to venture close to one side of the house, but sadly, without a machete, there was no way I could navigate my way round the rest of the house. To say it's overgrown is an understatement, the garden is now a jungle of thorns.

After seeing Richard's family photos of Little Monkhams, it was heartbreaking to see how dilapidated the house had become. Sure, there was still a certain character in it's charred remains and even a beauty in the way that nature - an integral part of Fat Tulip - was now reclaiming the building, but the vision before me made me feel a little melancholy. I guess that it's difficult for your brain to correlate nostalgic memories with the stark reality of time.

I took a small memento of the house; part of a door hinge from an old gate now ripped from its original moorings and slung up against a twisted security gate. It won't mean much to most people, but for me it represents a small chunk of my childhood imagination made real. And it's not often you get to capture that.

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