Curious British Telly

Genre: Comedy
Channel: ITV
Transmission: 1979

Someone once said that "Football's a funny old game" and they weren't half wrong. You only have to take a look at the player's private lives and, even more hilariously, their idea of acceptable decor.

Clubs try to stem this damaging publicity by taking a leaf out of politics and investing in a bit of spin to make matters more palatable.

As with politics, though, this can often blow up in football clubs' faces as demonstrated in Feet First

It's a Game of Two Halves

Harry Turnbull (Lee Montague) is the top flight football manager who sees himself as the proto-Pep Guardiola, but it's not a tiki-taka style of play he's formulated. He wants much more than that. He wants 'cosmic football'.

Key to this is a top striker, but he's not going to splash the cash on Kevin Keegan. No, he's settled for Terry Prince (Jonathan Barlow).

Who?

Exactly, that's the point. Until recently, Terry Prince had been busy working as a conduit joint insulation mechanic. At weekends, though, he would pull on his boots and play for the local non-league team. Turnbull has spotted something special, however, so takes a gamble and brings him to the club.

Of course, the name of the club is never actually revealed. It's only ever referred to as 'the club', but we suspect it's London based as Terry and his wife, Viv (Jacquie Cassidy), relocate to Sunbury as part of the transfer.

The final name on the teamsheet is that of Hamilton Defries (Doug Fisher) head of PR for the club and determined to market simple Terry Prince as an intellectual keen on books and not Scalextric.

Backroom Staff

Feet First was a one off series which aired on ITV in 1979 and was penned by John Esmonde and Bob Larbey - best known for penning classic comedies such as The Good Life, Ever Decreasing Circles, Please Sir! and Brush Strokes.

Esmonde and Larbey had previously tackled the world of football in the barely remembered ITV children's sitcom Football Crazy in 1974.

The series was unobtainable for a long time, but 2013 finally saw a Network DVD release of the series.

Although six episodes aired and feature on the DVD, it's rumoured that seven were produced.

4-4 Thriller or No Score Draw?

Curious British Telly are big football fans and have covered a couple of football shows in our short lifetime, so taking a punt on Feet First filled us with nothing but excitement.

It got off to a strange start, though, with that theme tune. Now, don't get us wrong, we absolutely love the old time thrill of listening to a steam powered fairground organ, but what on God's earth does it have to do with football? Why not have some type of terrace chant as the theme tune?!

Right, first impressions of the characters:

Terry Prince - A poor man's Tony from Men Behaving Badly. He's a nice enough character, but his main contribution is being a bit dim and he never really takes control of the series. As a leading man he's not a strong enough actor and he mostly played bit parts from hereon in.

Viv Prince - Well, you know, we guess she injects some female strength into the show which counters the macho football culture, but she's a bit shrill and just tends to moan. Jacquie Cassidy does what she can with the material, but she's not top drawer and had a short acting career.

Harry Turnbull - Has a silky cockney charm much like Terry Venables and Lee Montague's a great actor, so he emerges as one of the stars of the series. His dedication and passion for the club borders, at times, on the absolute obsessive and this makes him so interesting.

Hamilton Defries - Doug Fisher does a tremendous job as being the manipulative Defries and has a steely glare which threatens to cut you down in an instant. We got the impression that he couldn't care less about football, but to him image and success is everything. This self centred nature marks him out as the villain of the piece, but you can't help but love him.

The premise of the show and the concentration of the politics behind the club is very interesting. It's not something that was being splashed across the back pages at the time, so it's an innovative approach - they even manage to get a storyline in which involves a rich sheik - that's foresight!

However, the plots can be fairly trivial and most episodes ended with us thinking "Is that it? What actually happened?". More well rounded plots would have made it a much more enjoyable watch as no one likes being left hungry for engagement after the credits roll.

Gag wise there's nothing too rib tickling on offer. It's all fairly family friendly, so anyone from a youngster to a granny could watch it without fear of a 'roasting' gag popping up. We failed to laugh, though, and it gets marked down heavily for that.

Within Feet First we think there's a decent sitcom struggling to find its feet. Personally, we would have ditched Terry and Viv to focus on the contrasting Turnbull and Defries. A lot more humour could have been derived from a battle between the two for where the club should be heading.

As it is, we don't have any venom reserved for the show, but we doubt we'll be revisiting it either.

We've been writing about the forgotten world of British TV shows for a couple of years now, so decided to take a look at just why we love it so much.

Nostalgia - Pure and Simple

Nostalgia is an amazing feeling. It's like being wrapped up in a big warm blanket as you glug Ovaltine and have your chin tickled.

All it takes is a few bars of a long forgotten theme tune and you're transported back to a simpler time when your priorities were radically different.

You leave the current space-time continuum and become immersed in a rose tinted world where your only worry is that BBC2 is about to close down for the afternoon.

For us, we also love to imagine our place in the world and our family history as the retro shows unfold before our eyes. For example, if we view something in 1983 we love to dream up fantasies of this beautiful, serene world where we're being ferried about in a pram.

Truth is, we were probably vomiting every 5 minutes and picking up endless colds as our immune system came face to face with life.

And it only takes an aerial shot of London in the past for us to start imagining our Grandad is down there. Rushing from his work as a cobbler to the nearest bookies. Perhaps our parents are in amongst that busy crowd on an early date. Maybe they're all just in the pub getting smashed.

It's a guilty pleasure, of course, and highly subjective as each and every year has it's fair share of joy and heartbreak. For us, 1986 may seem a magical time as all was well in the world, but for others 1986 was truly an annus horribilis - some people actually bought Five Star records that year.

The Challenge of Joining an Exclusive Club

We first heard about Sherlock due to the heavy promotion on BBC1 leading up to it's debut. And it was money well spent by the BBC. The public had to know it was coming as it was so amazing and couldn't be missed.

It wasn't hard to miss though. And we like a challenge.

Searching out curious retro British tv shows is our version of a treasure hunt. There's no word of mouth to point us in the right direction. Instead there's a lot of hard work.

Wild and random searches through the Radio Times archives are undertaken alongside searches through IMDB to find strange little avenues of actors' careers.

And once you've found something intriguing it's not just a case of loading up Netflix.

No, you have to work hard to experience these shows. Sometimes pleas are thrown up online, collectors are sought out and, when all else fails, we have to dig into our pocket and head to the BFI Archive.

But is the pay off worth it?

100% absolutely yes!

Maybe there's a touch of arrogance and smugness at play, but we just love joining that exclusive club of people who have viewed these forgotten shows.

It may sound ridiculous, but by viewing a children's TV show long erased from the public's memory, we feel as though we're reactivating those synapses and keeping it alive somehow.

And then, of course, comes the wave of nostalgia (see above) to really sucker punch us and leave us giddy.

Contrasting the TV of Today with the TV of the Past

One thing that really pushes our buttons with retro TV is comparing the telly of old with the telly of today.

We want to see how the entire landscape has changed. In the past almost everything on the BBC was produced in house - now the schedules are littered almost exclusively with independent productions. And budgets? Oh how they have changed! The sparse sets of yesterday are long, long gone.

Television of the past suffers quite badly in retrospect. However, you have to look past the limitations and see what they were able to do. Some episodes of vintage Doctor Who may have horrendously terrible acting and effects, but they're aligned with stellar dialogue and plots.

There's also a real grit in television programmes that the modern age can't seem to replicate. Back then it was a dirty and disturbing grit which was close to the bone. Today we can't help but feel it's too clean cut and stylised to unearth a real disturbance in your mind.

Children's shows, in particular, are really blighted by budget issues. It seemed to be a case of fling a presenter in a studio and hope they can engage the kids with imagination and minimal props. Sometimes it works magnificently (see Bric-a-Brac), but many times it becomes a borefest.

And that's why we're not one of those people who will claim there's no imagination left in television. It's not all style over substance. There's fantastic television out there at the moment which can rival anything from the past. We've just finished watching Cucumber which is an incredibly clever, witty and deep show. And it won't be the last.

Final Thoughts

The three areas above encapsulate exactly why we love watching retro British TV.

We guess, mostly, the nostalgia aspect is the most important one as it provides us a brief escape from the modern world. We know that rose tinted glasses' bewitching effect is only temporary, so we're well aware they need to be taken off.

The challenge to find something 'new' also fuels our desire as we need more than the current palate offered up by modern television.

Finally, we love the history lesson that archived television offers us, so we can see how the industry has changed and moved on over the decades.

Why do you love retro television?

Genre: Comedy
Channel: ITV
Transmission: 1992

Espionage is a glamourous old game, ain't it? Just look at James Bond with his Aston Martin, sharp suits, gadgets and classy cocktails.

And don't forget the Bond babes. Never ever forget those beautiful, but sometimes lethal gals.

Of course, it's not all glamour for spies, sometimes they have to do a bit of work. Naturally, being a spy, this work usually involves being a sneaky, duplicitous individual in order to get what they want.

Basically they're backstabbing conmen. But give them a posh accent and it's all just part of being a cad.

And who doesn't love a cad?

Therefore it's time for us to don our best disguise, bug a few phones and investigate the cads and babes in Old Boy Network.

From Russia with Love

Lucas Frye (Tom Conti) is a charming, floppy haired MI5 spy living the difficult life of being a double agent for the Russians and betraying his homeland. Given the beautiful Russian women he gets to laze the day away with it's not much of a surprise.

However, hot on his treacherous tail is MI6 agent/desk jockey Peter Duckham (John Standing) who is hellbent on exposing Frye's slippery loyalties. He's gathered enough information to hang Frye out to dry, but Duckham's boss, Sir Roland White (Robert Lang) is anxious to avoid another spy scandal.

Much to Duckham's disgust, Frye is merely banished to Moscow and the whole affair hushed up.

Fast forward a few years and Frye is back in the UK. He's planning to setup a freelance espionage agency and Sir Roland White is highly dubious about Frye's motives and loyalties. Duckham - by now ex MI6 - is asked by Sir Roland White to keep an eye on Frye.

Duckham meets with Frye and is implausibly invited to join Frye's firm - FDA (Frye Duckham Associates - Frye's already got the stationary sorted!). Duckham bites his hand off as it proves his chance to finally nail Frye. Helping the pair is the equally enigmatic Parker Morrow (Jayne Brook) - an ex CIA agent willing to work with FDA on certain assignments.

At the heart of the show the three agents seek to hoodwink each other in order to achieve their own personal goals. This is all set against a backdrop of missions involving spying on computer whizzkids, dodgy sports agents and even plots against Frye's life.

Secret Blueprints

Ever head of Clement and La Frenais?

Of course you have! They're the geniuses behind classic Britcoms such as The Likely Lads, Porridge and Auf Wiedersehen; they also happen to be the writers behind Old Boy Network.

7 episodes were produced (we do love a 7 episode run, the 7th episode always feels like a bonus) and transmitted on ITV in 1992.

A VHS of the series was released in the 1990s, but it has failed to make the leap to DVD and only a few fragments of the show can be found online.

Investigating the Show

We were busy trawling through a long list of rare British comedy DVDs when we stumbled across Old Boy Network. It sounded ridiculously British, so we delved a little deeper; it starred Tom Conti who we had heard a lot about, but never actually seen him in anything.

Our curiosity was running rampant at this point, so we just had to buy that pirate DVD and devour it.

It's a Clement and La Frenais piece, so as you can imagine we're treated to some amazing dialogue. It's packed full of quick wit and clever characters which is expertly measured to make sure scenes never drag and totally immerse you.

Then there's the acting. Tom Conti - WOW!

He's absolutely fantastic and it's not often that a 90s sitcom would manage to get hold of someone previously nominated for a Best Actor Oscar. Conti is on magnificent form here and appears to be having the time of his life by affecting disguises, drinking cocktails and flirting with a string of glamourous women.

And, of course, John Standing is an excellent choice to contrast Conti. Standing's world weary stare completely sums up Duckham's frustration at Frye's constant ability to get away with it all. Together they make a wonderful double act that work tremendously well together.

Jayne Brook as Parker Morrow brings that confident charm that Americans do so well and it's all accompanied by her wonderful beauty. She's an interesting addition to Duckham and Frye as she proves to be an object of desire that neither can achieve.

We really loved the dynamics between Frye, Duckham and Morrow as their bickering and subterfuge provides a delicious thrust to the plot which keeps you guessing. It's a shame that this isn't fully realised, though, as we think this is the most interesting aspect of the show.

In fact, we would go as far as to say it often overshadows each episode's plot. Too often the plots seem rather menial and inconsequential compared to the three agents' relationship. The episodes without Parker Morrow also suffer from her absence and lack a certain zing.

Are their laughs? Yes! As we said, it's by Clement and La Frenais, so there has to be laughs. They're all clever and the actors' talents make sure they're delivered with the full impact they deserve.

Assignment Complete

We think that Old Boy Network definitely deserved a second series to explore the characters a bit more and refine the plot flaws present. The Piglet Files had just finished its final series, so there was definitely an outlet for a spy sitcom, but sadly it was never to be.

Hopefully Network will release this in the future as it's far more deserving than many DVDs they've chucked out over the years. In the mean time if you search hard enough you should be able to find bootleg copies available online to enjoy the superb performances.

PRESS ARTICLES

TV Times - 1992 - by Stafford Hildred

Written by Louise MacGregor

Creepy children’s tv shows are everywhere.

Everyone has a TV show that they remember with unbridled terror from their childhood, in amongst all the sweet, gentle shows about talking trains and mischievous puppets living in a houseboat, cutting through the syrupy nostalgia like Michael Myers’ blade through an unsuspecting, nubile teenager.

And British TV is a particularly ripe ground from which many terrifying kid’s TV shows appeared.

Shall we regress a few decades and take a look at the most disturbing retro kid’s TV shows?

10. Andy Pandy

This show has been the bane of my life for literally decades. Being someone named Louise, every single teacher and parent who’s ever met me has immediately declared me “Looby-Lou” after the character in this very show.

At twenty years old it’s still my mother’s nickname for me and, frankly, I’ve had enough!

But beyond my own personal trauma, there’s something inherently weird about puppets in general, and especially the slightly asinine, extremely haunted feel to these petrifying pests, living in a nightmare dreamscape populated by living teddy bears and created by the mind of a child-hating psychopath.

9. Round the Bend

I might be pushing it a bit with the retro theme here, but this series, with puppets created by the evil mind that came up with the Spitting Image beings, still fits the bill.

Broadcast from 1989-91, it was for some reason a satirical kids show, set in a sewer, hosted by an alligator and populated by the puppet denizens of Satan.

It boggles the mind to think that this dark, satirical comedy was ever aimed at children, and who’s cruel idea it was to make it so.

8. Jigsaw

Hurrah, a lovely little kid’s show about puzzles and loveliness for very young children!

What could possibly go wrong-wait a second, what the hell is that thing?!

Yep, Mr Noseybonk, a phallic nightmare of a children’s TV character, apparently existed in this universe to run about wiggling his white gloves around and wave his bemasked face - complete with gargantuan nose -at anyone who dared anger him.

Or something.

Frankly, I’m now upset that I chose to write this article so close to my own bedtime. I assume this show was some sort of punishment for naughty children.

7. The Children of the Stones

I watched this show with my father, who had been too old to catch it when he was a kid, and both of us were probably a little more unsettled than we’d care to admit as grown adults.

In a Midwich-Cuckoos-esque rural town, mysterious stones hold the power to awake ancient evil and their creepy appearance in the credits was enough to make me check I had locked all the doors in the house.

Who, exactly, thought this was appropriate teatime fare?!

6. The Adventures of Rupert Bear

“Hey!” I can hear you shouting, “What have you got against Rupert Bear?”

My answer to that, dear reader, is that I myself took many years of joy in adorable, anthropomorphic Rupert and his adventures, until I stumbled across the 1969 TV series by mistake.

I assume that marionettes are instruments of torture as someone decided that a marionette with a boy’s body and a bear’s head was considered completely acceptable for innocent children.

Add in a number of creepy side characters and, sure enough, you’ve amped up the fear factor far past what most horror movies would consider humane.

Scarred for life, I never looked at dear old Rupert the same way again.

5. Pipkins

The real takeaway from this list is, if you don’t want to terrify children into voluntary muteness with your TV show, don’t use puppets!

There’s probably no better example of this cardinal rule than Pipkins, a well-meaning but ultimately horrifying escapade with puppets made by people who had apparently never even heard of a puppet before.

The animals they were trying to recreate often looked like they had been involved in some sort of violent road traffic accident and, come to think of it, very well might have been.

4. Chocky

Ah, nothing to bring home the childish glee of television like being trailed by shadowy Government forces, is there? Because that’s exactly what you got if you tuned in to Chocky.

Following the tale of a boy who had to communicate with an alien that lived inside his head (suspect at best), and was then pursued by high-ups beyond his understanding, this all just seems unnecessarily dark and devastatingly traumatic for budding sci-fi/horror mash-up fans everywhere.

3. Worzel Gummidge

The thing is, Worzel Gummidge isn’t really that frightening until you get to thinking about it as a grown-up.

It’s all fun and games, until you realize that this poor soul has been trapped living as a scarecrow for as long as he can remember- which implies that he was once either all man or all scarecrow.

That kind of existential angst is enough to send anyone plummeting over the edge!

2. Wizadora

I remember watching Wizadora on some compilation boxset VHS a well-meaning family member purchased for me, and being simply crushed with terror.

I couldn’t remember why, specifically, until I braved the internet to find a clip. And wow, it all came flooding back to me.

All the little creatures, the endless witchery, the perma rictus-grins on the face of the titular Wizadora; it feels like someone is prodding them with a taser off screen to get them to perform and I don’t like it *shudders*

1. Doctor Who

Yah, boo, I can hear the shouts of dismay from the back row already, but what else was going to be here?

Doctor Who deserves this spot because it has the rare honour of having disturbed every single person who watched it as a child.

Whether you were so petrified by the Cybermen you were banned from watching it into your late teens (which my mother certainly wasn’t), or carry a burning fear for the Sea Devils inside you no matter how old you get (guilty), Doctor Who was and is an equal-opportunity disturbatron machine.

If you’ve never been creeped out by Who, you’re watching it wrong.

Sweet dreams, children!

Read more delights from Louise over at The Three Penny Guignol

Genre: Comedy
Channel: Paramount Comedy Channel
Transmission: 1996

Who wants to be locked up in asylum? Anyone? Oh, just you Uncle Lionel. Well, take Granny's frock off and we'll talk about it over a cup of cherry brandy.

No, seriously, though, would you want to be locked up in an asylum? Trapped in an unfamiliar building, surrounded by unfriendly faces and out of your head on medication. It's like an even more horrific visit to a Wetherspoons.

Just imagine, though, if you visited the asylum simply to deliver a pizza and found yourself being committed...

The Lunatics Have Taken over the Asylum

Simon Pegg (playing himself) is a North London pizza delivery man tasked with delivering a Beef Magic to the old asylum. However, when he gets there, Dr Lovett (Norman Lovett) decides to take Simon in as part of his experiment.

But what's this experiment all about?

Well, in a rather cruel and sadistic exploration of psychology, Dr Lovett has invited a number of sane people to the asylum for an indefinite period. Little did they know, though, that his plan was to reprogram their identity and study the effects. So far it's been going for 6 years.

Martha (Jessica Stevenson) was a politics graduate, but now, after a diet of nothing but daytime television she has a strange obsession with Countdown and holds many conspiracy theories close to her chest.

Adam (Adam Bloom) previously lived the life of a "bug eyed bank clerk", but since being locked in a room with nothing but Lenny Bruce records, truly believes he's a stand up comic. He even carries a dictaphone with him at all times to play canned laughter.

Victor (Julian Barratt) was once known as Julian, painter and decorator from Barnsley. However, Dr Lovett manipulated his persona by surrounding him by Renaissance art. The result is a pretentious wannabe artist.

Paul (Paul Morocco) is a flamenco singer forced into a vow of silence, so he can only communicate with everyday objects. His favourite form of communication involves shooting ping pong balls out of his mouth.

Herding the inmates around are security guard Nobby Shanks and the dangerously seductive, but quite psychopathic Nurse McFadden (Jessica Stevenson).

It's Simon's aim to get this cruel experiment shut down, but first he needs to avoid getting dosed up and, more importantly, escape.

Amongst the main characters there are interstitial segments where other inmates get their chance to shine and perform stand up comedy. Names appearing include Paul Tonkinson, Bill Bailey, John Moloney and David Walliams (who looks uncannily like Lou from Lou and Andy).

You Don't Have to Be Mad to Work Here, But It Helps

Asylum aired on the Paramount Comedy Channel in 1996 and consisted of 6 episodes.

It was one of the earliest collaborations between Simon Pegg, Jessica Stevenson and Edgar Wright who would go on to produce the seminal Spaced on Channel 4.

The show is also notable for showcasing many other upcoming stars of the UK comedy scene.

All the episodes feature a short musical segment by David Devant and his Spirit Wife who acted as the house band for the series and their track 'Ginger' was the show's theme tune.

Petitions have been raised to try and force a DVD release, but the tapes sadly remain in the vaults. The whole series, though, is available on YouTube and was apparently uploaded by a cast member.

Patient Report

Even though it was only a few days ago, we can't actually remember how we discovered this show, but we'll put it down to some divine intervention by the gods of archive television.

We're big Simon Pegg fans, so we're surprised that we hadn't heard of it. However, we weren't really sure what to expect. Early forays are always hit and miss affairs with a lack of polish.

What the hell would we make of this?!

You know what, Simon Pegg was born to play Simon Pegg and he plays that Simon Pegg character we're so familiar with perfectly here. His everyman sensibilities contrast nicely against the insanity he's surrounded by and mark him out as the hero of the piece.

The inmates are all entertaining in their own way with Victor being far and away the most rewarding with his pomposity being pricked at every opportunity. Paul, though, is rather limited due to his lack of speech, but he displays some nice physical acting, particularly in his 'spanish guitar battle' with one of the security guards.

Norman Lovett perhaps isn't given as much screen time as he deserves. He's on fantastic form here with his dry wit and it's up there with his performance as Holly in Red Dwarf.

Nobby Shanks is a decent character and richly acted, but he's given very little to do throughout the series which seems a bit of a waste. With all the talent on offer, though, it's not a surprise he was shuffled to the side.

The stand up segments are pretty cool and we enjoyed seeing all the early appearances of Bill Bailey, David Walliams and the quite terrifyingly schizophrenic monologue delivered by Paul Tonkinson. They brought to mind Alexei Sayle's segments in The Young Ones and act as a nice breather in between the more manic narratives.

All the hallmarks of Edgar Wrights direction are present and he proudly displays his influences whilst retaining an original edge. The machine gun approach of angles and scene cuts aren't as prevalent here as in his later work, so the direction, instead, manifests itself as a haunting and woozy mix which matches the series' black humour.

There's a very naturalistic sense of humour with some surreal edges sprinkled liberally throughout. It would have seemed quite refreshing at the time compared to, oh I don't know, Oh Doctor Beeching! Don't get us wrong, we loved Oh Doctor Beeching! but perhaps it was time for something a little different.

We'd have liked some more big laughs, but it's early days here for Pegg and co, so we'll let them off.

But there are, of course, some negatives.

Despite being grounded in a great concept, the plots are a little thin and too much time is given over to showcasing each star's talent. We would have loved to see a bit more of Simon getting from A to B, but this is lost in the performances.

And what's David Devant doing there? Again, perhaps it's a nod to The Young Ones and, despite him being wonderfully mid 90s and the epitome of Britpop, we don't really feel as though he adds anything to the proceedings.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, so, we really enjoyed Asylum. It's not perfect by any means, but as an early distillation of what Pegg and Wright were aiming for it's a fascinating insight.

If you're a fan of any decent comedy from the 00s then you'll love this too.

Would we buy the DVD? YES!

Genre: Children's / Comedy
Channel: ITV
Transmission: 11/10/1990 - 15/11/1990

What kid didn't want to be an explorer after watching the Indiana Jones films? It looked a great life packed full of adventure, drama, heroism and plenty of wisecracks.

Truth be told, it's probably less glamourous and the biggest drama you'll encounter is catching malaria.

Still, it beats working the 9 - 5 grind.

Anyway, Indiana Jones was a huge deal by the end of the 1980s, so it's no surprise a spoof of the genre was attempted by ITV in the guise of Jackson Pace: The Great Years.

Adventure Awaits

Jackson Pace (Keith Allen) is the adventuring dynamo who's handy with his fists, loves the glint of a precious treasure and refuses to give up on anything. Like all the great heroes he's even got a catchphrase of "There's gold to be gained!".

Along with his sidekick Roger Whibley (Daniel Peacock), Pace has captured the parchment of Kinard and is very excited about this particular find.

You see, the parchment of Kinard is a very important document as it details the whereabouts of three sacred keystones. If all three keystones are found then the bearer will then be able to unlock the mighty gates of the hidden temple in the land of Ja Ja Bar.

Through these gates lie a great treasure, but no one knows exactly what it is.

But everyone wants it.

Yes, it won't be plain sailing for Pace and Whibley as a variety of friends and foes will be popping up along the way to hinder them in various ways.

The main antagonist is Princess Layme (Cory Pulman), an Egyptian princess in the mould of Cleopatra who bathes in asses milk and sees the treasure of Kinard as her birthright.

With the treasure of Kinard she hopes to raise the funds to construct an opulent palace. She is surrounded at all times by her snivelling assistant Lord Layta (Paul B Davies) and the blind mystic Lord Taggon (Hugh Paddick). For the first few episodes they're also joined by the sarcastic chap The Head (Arthur Smith) - yes he's literally a head in the sand.

Desperate to win Layme's affections is the weedy and bespectacled Prince Filo (Gian Sammarco) who promises to bring back the treasure of Kinard as well as put an end to Pace for good.

And that's not the end of Pace's problems.

A shady American by the name of Commander Daken (Nic D'Avirro) is also hot on the trail of Pace. He's the traditional 'man in black', but unlike Will Smith he has a robotic hand a la the Terminator.

Help is, however, on hand for Pace in the form of reporter Ryveeta Tusk (Josie Lawrence) who stows away on Pace's plane to get an exclusive story on his quest.

Together, the various factions will encounter the lost tribe of Popapa, swing through the jungle with Tarzan, nearly become Barry the Yeti's dinner and be forced to endure the hideous culinary delights of the Fat Lady.

On the Trail

Jackson Pace was an idea hatched between Keith Allen and Daniel Peacock with the latter writing all the scripts for the series. Alistair Clark directed the show and this followed his previous stints on children's TV with Grange Hill, Children's Ward and No. 73.

As well as devising, writing and appearing in Jackson Pace, Daniel Peacock also found time to provide the music for the series, so his passion for the show is pretty evident.

6 episodes aired on ITV as part of the CITV schedule in Autumn 1990. As far as we are aware there were never any repeats and certainly no commercial releases. In fact, there's no footage online apart from, curiously, the show's theme tune which can be heard here.

There's Gold to be Gained!

Jackson Pace! Jackson BLOODY Pace! Where the hell have you been for the last 25 years?!

We watched Jackson Pace way back when in 1990 and we loved it. We absolutely adored it.

In fact, there was a point where we told our Mum that we were planning to write a letter to the Jackson Pace actor to invite him round for a cup of tea. Our Mother wasn't too keen on the idea, so that idea was sadly nixed.

However, despite this obsession with the show, it was one of those old TV shows we couldn't remember the name of. All we could remember was an explorer type chap with long brown hair and a catchphrase about gold - was it "We're going for gold!"? Oh no, that was that 90s quiz show...

It had been driving us mad for 25 years. No one else remembered it and no matter how many times we Googled "Indiana Jones spoof children's show"we found absolutely nothing online.

We even spent an hour in the British Library painstakingly going through all the 1989 and 1990 Radio Times in the hope of finding a mention of it. We thought it was on BBC1, you see, so it was a rather fruitless hunt!

Then, thank the Lord, somebody by the name of Thomas emailed us about our blog. In amongst the chat he asked if we ever remembered this spoof Indiana Jones kids show from 1990 called Jackson Pace.

Our jaw dropped.

This had to be it! It had to be!

We looked online and found a few tiny snippets of information, but something was troubling us. It appeared that the Jackson Pace character was played by Keith Allen. We remembered Pace being a dashing hero with tumbling locks of brown hair. Not Keith Allen.

Maybe our memory was just shot. It happens from time to time.

There couldn't have been two similar shows around the same time, so we booked up at the BFI Archive to investigate 3 episodes across the series. We reckoned it would make a for a pretty good 100th blog - yep, you're reading blog number 100 of Curious British Telly!

First things first, yes, it's Keith Allen and, you know what, he actually looks quite handsome here with a full head of hair.

Now, we're not saying there's anything wrong with Keith Allen per se, but if he came up to us on the street and asked us if we fancied a bit of how's your father, we'd probably decline and ask him, instead, if we could have his mate Alex James' phone number.

With a full head of hair, though, he's pretty dashing and it's no surprise that he popped out the beauty that is Lily.

Anyway, homoerotic fantasies aside, the next thing that struck us was Pace's catchphrase. Finally! We knew what the hell it was: "There's gold to be gained!". It's not an amazing catchphrase, but it's a recurring motif and helps push the action along.

Ah yes and what of 'the action' that's imperative for TV to wrestle the rampant attention of a child?

Well get this: Jackson Pace is packed full of action. There are no long soliloquies about man's right to exist and seek out hidden treasures. No, there's just punch after punch after manic chases all around the globe.

It's easy to see the Indiana Jones influences what with the sacred stones, Cairo nightclubs, jungle scenes, a bit of magic and a strong willed woman on his tail. There's no whips, though, and no Nazis, so coupled with all the original settings, we think it stands on its own quite well rather than just being a direct spoof.

As we said, the action goes all round the globe and there are an insane amount of sets throughout the series. And most of them are pretty convincing considering how stretched the budget must have been. The one unconvincing effect was probably the skygoblin from episode 1 which appears to have come straight out of a primary school production.

The plots are great and due to the manic action and wild imagination of Daniel Peacock there's never a dull moment. The final episode also manages to be pretty creepy and takes a big page out of the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade finale. We're not surprised it managed to make such a big impression on us at the time.

And it's all helped by a fantastic cast which comprises countless members of the 1980s alternative comic scene. Our favourite, obviously, is Allen as Pace, but the other real standouts are the ever beautiful Josie Lawrence, Daniel Peacock and Arthur 'Arfur' Smith. Everyone is having fun with the scripts and it must have been a real riot on set.

Oh yeah! We almost forgot! The gags! It's ram packed full of them in a quickfire script which remains razor sharp throughout. It's almost an adult comedy at times and we're surprised what they managed to get away with.

A case in point of this racy comedy is when Pace and Whibley fall in the 'fountain of youth' in Ja Ja Bar. They immediately regress to schoolboys and start giggling about Ryveeta Tusk's "bouncing boobies" before contemplating whether or not to pull her knickers down.

There's also some jokes which allude to masturbation competitions in the school shower and Lord Layta ends up grabbing Princess Layme inappropriately in some quicksand.

Did this humour do us any harm and leave us flailing round on the edges of society? No, life did that all on its own.

And it appears that the team wanted to do more Pace. There's some spoilers ahead, so please be aware. The treasure of Kinard, it turns out, is actually a spaceship that promises to take Pace and his gang into space for further adventures. Pace is well up for this and bellows "Pace in Space!", so who knows what happened to that idea.

Oh, another spoiler here, Princess Layme and her gang of co-horts are judged not worthy of the treasure of Kinard so are transported to work in a newspaper - The Dispatch - in Wapping. Prince Filo even gets turned into a parrot!

Mission Complete

So, yeah, we absolutely loved catching back up with Jackson Pace.

We were so giddy with excitement after watching it that we had to head to the nearest pub for a glass of Scotch. It didn't calm us down, so we had a bag of pork scratchings and another glass of Scotch. Finally we were back on an even keel.

It's a travesty that it's not out on DVD and is so poorly remembered as it's an amazing piece of childrens TV. It's in the same league as Maid Marian and her Merry Men in terms of a television series both adults and children can enjoy.

As far as we're concerned it's classic TV and deserves to be remembered much more fondly in the pantheon of British TV shows.

If anyone out there has some episodes tucked away on a dusty old VHS then please get in touch!

And if Keith Allen's reading then we still want you to come round ours for a cup of tea. We've got our own place now, so our Mum can't stop us!

Genre: Drama
Channel: BBC1
Transmission: 18/08/1985

Soho is an intriguing little corner of London. It's perhaps best known for its sleaze, but alongside the neon signs there are plenty of other little industries plugging away. There's the bustling market of Berwick Street, the gay heartbeat of Old Compton Street and the seemingly endless types of cuisine available on every street.

The media, of course, have long had a presence in Soho. Post production companies litter the streets, pop stars hole up in expensive apartments and, according to the BBC, a struggling film magazine tried to make ends meet in 1985 in The Moon over Soho.

Rising Moon

The action opens with a shot of Rupert Street as a packed market heaves with a busy crowd. In the background, the bright lights of the Raymond Revue Bar illuminate the scene. Red lit signs offer the promise of girls and, against this vibrant scene, Joseph Leroy Patterson (Larrington Walker) cuts his way through to the office of Cherubim Books.

Cherubim Books is owned by the enigmatic Max von Konigsberg (Leonard Rossiter) who affects a German accent whenever necessary. He feels, you see, that a foreign accent is the only way to get ahead.

Now, Cherubim Books is a curious little company. Its pride and joy is the film magazine 'Silver Screen', but it also owns the rights to 'Progressive Origami' and 'Farming for Fun', both of which have never seen a single issue published. Oh, and the office is based in a basement flat next door to a 'topless live show' on Old Compton Street.

It's certainly a seedy little location and the slipperiness of the adjoining live show appears to have seeped into Max's veins. You see, times are tough for Silver Screen. Sales are falling rapidly, the bank manager is desperate to make an appointment with Max and the magazine's editor has just upped and left for The Times.

Joseph, who handles subscriptions (a fairly light job), is the only member of staff left, but even he's having doubts about continuing given Max's fragile state. Max, however, remains resolute that the companies problems can be deflected by calling in favours and handing out freebies such as a trip to Japan.

Then, all of a sudden, Sally Spencer (Lesley Manville) turns up on the doorstep of Cherubim Books after the editors job being advertised in The Times. Max can't quite get his head round this as he hasn't placed an ad. However, Sally manages to impress him by discussing the work of his beloved Fritz Lang, so Max hires her immediately.

Are things suddenly starting to look up for old Max?

Well, no. Sally Spencer is less an angel in disguise and more a poisoned chalice. Old Max hasn't been entirely kind to filmmakers over the years and he's made a few enemies. It's no surprise really given the critical nature of being a critic, but well, we suppose creative types have delicate egos.

In particular is the ego of Geoffrey Hargreaves (Ken Campbell) whose whole career appears to have been rubbished by Max over the years. Geoffrey is desperate for revenge and has been tipped off by Max's ex-editor that something rather scandalous lies in the trunk behind Max's desk.

A fiendish plan is hatched by Geoffrey to get Sally on the inside and finally expose Max's dark secrets to the News of the World.

Meanwhile, Max is desperately trying to scrape enough money together to bankroll Silver Screen. He's even resorted to sending himself threatening letters to win the sympathy of his rich and intellectual mother, Frieda King (Mary Morris).

What exactly is in the trunk and, as well as battling a deranged Geoffrey Hargreaves, will Max manage to keep Silver Screen going?

Hitting the Press

The Moon over Soho was part of the BBCs 'Summer Season' of one off plays that aired in 1985 and written by Peter Ansorge who would later go on to help found Film on Four. The play was directed by Stuart Burge who had a long career adapting plays for film and television.

The music - a gentle combination of piano and horns - is provided by one of Curious British Telly's favourite composers, Ilona Sekacz.

Leonard Rossiter died in 1984, so it's difficult to tell if The Moon over Soho was meant to be broadcast as part of the 'Summer Season'. The play was recorded around Christmas 1983, so it seems a long time to hold onto it if that is indeed the case.

It was, in fact, the very final screen appearance for Leonard Rossiter, but despite this marking it out as a curio of British television it has never been repeated or released on DVD.

Under the Moon

Rising Damp is, without a shadow of a doubt, one of our favourite sitcoms of all time, so we were rather intrigued when we heard about The Moon over Soho.

Considering how well respected he was, we found it bizarre that Rossiter's final TV appearance garnered little more than a few tiny mentions online. And there's certainly no footage besides a solitary screenshot presumably from a press piece.

We had to investigate this slice of retro TV, so got straight on the blower to the BFI Archive and booked in to watch the play.

The opening shot is a thing of true beauty. That's the real Soho there. The sleaze and deceptiveness of the strip clubs and peep shows hint beautifully at the deception which is awaiting Max.

Nowadays, you'll find that Soho is a very differentplace. Sure there's still some sleaze there, but Westminster Council and wealthy landowners appear to be driving this out. Soon it'll be just another corner of West London with little identity.

This opening shot, then, acts as a wonderful little time capsule.

Let's take a look at the acting now.

Well, Leonard Rossiter, bloody hell! He's probably never been better than he is here. There's not much comedy in the script for him to take on, but instead we see the more nuanced, dramatic side of him. He delivers furtive glances, world weary stares and panics uncontrollably as he's taken hostage by a crazy Geoffrey Hargreaves.

And, yes, Ken Campbell as Geoffrey Hargreaves is terrifyingly fantastic as well. He's completely loopy, but we don't truly realise this until he's lurking in Cherubim Books wearing a fake mask to insanely taunt Max.

The rest of the cast are fine. Really, there's no problem with them. They don't sparkle, but neither do they drag proceedings down. Although, we have to be honest, we're not sure what Joseph's character adds to the story. He could easily have been dispensed with.

That's perhaps the problem with The Moon over Soho. The writing is good, but not fantastic.

There are great scenes such as the contrast of Frieda explaining to Sally about her husband's terror of being imprisoned in a concentration camp, whilst Max is being terrorised in the basement of Cherubim Books.

Also, Max trying to convince his mother he's on the receiving end of violent, anti-semitic hate mail is entertaining. Especially when Max realises she won't be bailing him out as, first and foremost, she wants to get to the bottom of whoever's bullying her precious son.

These excellent pieces of script, however, are held back by a lot of questions.

Why exactly are The News of the World so desperate to smear Max? He hardly seems like a big fish who would be worthy of their attention.

And (spoiler here) Silver Screen was started by Max, right, to promote an up and coming film beauty, but that didn't work out. That's fine, we get that. And then she ends up working as a prostitute in a Soho brothel. Again, we get that and it's nicely tragic, but how the hell does she end up bankrolling Silver Screen until her death? She doesn't exactly have the back story of 'one with money'.

Then there's Sally's 'betrayal' of Geoffrey by switching sides to protect Max. It all seems rather sudden. We know he bought her flowers, but we felt the play could have benefited with a more natural bond developing to make this switch of allegiances more believable.

Forgotten Gem?

You know, we found that The Moon over Soho was just about good enough to be considered aforgotten gem. Rossiter's performance is quite outstanding and really lifts the piece. If you've ever enjoyed a performance by the great man then you'll love this. He still had more than enough to offer British TV on this showing.

The sleazy, untrustworthy underbelly of Soho runs nicely through the veins of the piece and the director has really captured this along with the rest of the cast's acting. Ken Campbell puts in the best performance we've ever seen from him and he perfect captures an unhinged mind on the edge.

However, we did find the script a little lacking and the resolution is far too clean cut and sudden to really wow us. It could have been a much stronger piece in more talented hands, but as it is it hardly ranks as classic TV.

It's a fine sign off, though, for Leonard Rossiter's legacy, so we would love to see a release of it.

PRESS CUTTINGS

The Listener - Volume 114 no 2922 pg 32 - 33 by Paul Kerr

Genre: Comedy drama
Channel: Channel 4
Transmission: 06/02/2003 - 27/03/2003

Hitting the ripe old age of 30 is a depressing landmark for pretty much anyone who's ever enjoyed themselves.

It's viewed as the end of your youth and time to knuckle down and really get to grips with being an adult.

Suddenly, you realise you probably should have spent less time in the pub and less time speculating what went on in the Rainbow house when the cameras stopped rolling. Instead, you could have been building a career, searching for love and securing that mortgage.

Jesus! That sounds depressing as hell!

You know what, there's nothing wrong with mucking about in your 20s! That's what they were invented for - the dress rehearsals for becoming an adult, so be silly and bugger things up rotten!

If you are in a rush, though, perhaps you could draw up a list of 20 Things to Do Before You're 30.

The Dreaded Landmark

Four friends, all working in the aspirational world of market research, have decided that their 20s are running out fast and they haven't achieved enough. Together they're each going to draw up a list of objectives that they have to tick off before they hit the big 3-0.

Conrad (Mathew Horne) is a lowly market researcher, neurotic about his position as a single gay male in a world where he can't find love or face up to adult life.

He lives with his co-worker (and best friend) Shona (Amanda Abbington) whostrives to break free from her single life at an age when her peers are settling down and starting families. Recently, she's started dating the softly spoken, but handsome Glen (James Murray).

Together, Conra and Shona have to deal with Dominic (Chris Polick), a laddish, market researcher who takes great delight from being in a relationship with his girlfriend Katie. He also lives with his mother who waits on him hand and foot. His confidence with women is also incredibly misplaced.

Finally, we have Zoe (Georgie Mackenzie), who manages Conrad, Shona and Dominic. She's currently going through divorce proceedings and wondering if life can offer her anything at all.

Their ticksheet contains such bold tasks as turning a member of the same sex, sacking someone and putting up a shelf amongst other plots.

Researching the Researchers

20 Things to Do Before You're 30 aired in early 2003 on Channel 4and took up a late Thursday night slot. It ran for a total of 8 episodes which were roughly 25 minutes long.

It bears a striking resemblance to Teachers and it's not a surprise that it was produced by the same company, Tiger Aspect, and was created by Jane Fallon -who also produced Teachers. Both Mathew Horne and Amanda Abbington would also star in Teachers.

A number of writers contributed scripts to the series with Charlie Martin, Stephen Leslie, Rachel Pope and Jack Lothian all getting writing credits.

The series has never had a commercial release and neither is it available on 4OD. The whole series, however, has popped up on YouTube.

Ticking Off

Curious British Telly watched 20 Things to Do Before You're 30 way back in the early 00s and vividly remembered three things about it:

Matthew Horne was in it.
The critics hated it.
We were texting a girl about it one night, so she tuned in and commented that the acting was horrendous.

And you know what?

Mathew Horne is in it.

The critics did hate it.

The acting... isn't quite so bad.

First things first, let's take a gander at the concept. Yeah, you know, it's not half bad. A group of 20 somethings trying to grasp at life before their youth slips away. Plenty of people can identify with that.

We spent a lot of our 20s talking crap in an office, so we can really engage with the joys that it brings. Truth be told, we're still doing it in our 30s, but that's by the by.

Curiously, for a show from this era, there's actually a few nicely composed shots making use of the surroundings to create framed, long shorts more commonly found in TV these days. Many times, though, the direction feels a little static and this contributes to a lifeless tone at some points.

And what about the acting?

Mathew Horne is, well, he's Mathew Horne here. And very similar in nature to the character he would portray in Teachers. It's an easy watch and his curious little facial expressions always embue his characters with plenty of personality.

What about Amanda Abbington? She's forthright and plucky with great comic timing here. Like Mathew Horne she certainly hasn't done too bad for herself in the acting stakes since.

Chris Polick is the first weak point and a genuine candidate for bad acting. He just can't inject much personality into Dominic and his monotonous delivery grates.

James Murray - who's given limited screen time - is fairly nondescript as well. His delivery is just plain irritating and it's hard to believe he's the same actor who gave such an amazing performance in Cucumber recently.

And Georgia Mackenzie also fails to sparkle. She's not really given much to work with, though, which brings us on to the characters.

They're badly formed and we found ourselves struggling to connect with them. There's little genuine heart on show and the come across as shallow, self obsessed individuals. Frankly, we couldn't care if their lives are in disarray.

Conrad and Shona perhaps have the most characterisation, but even then it's lacking in the basic human emotions. All their frustrations come from a lack of success and expectation that they deserve all that life has to offer.

The character of Dominic is perhaps the most interesting character and the one that is the biggest disappointment. He's ready made to be shot through with pathos due to his boorish front being countered with being a mummy's boy. Instead he's just labeled as an FHM caricature. Imagine Jay from The Inbetweeners but with no bullying dad.

And Zoe, well, we're not even sure why she's in it. She adds very little to the proceedings and all we learn about her is that she has some half baked divorce going on in the background.

Who can we blame? We'll blame the writers as it's their job to create a universe and characters that we want to invest some emotional attachment in. The lack or any deep plots also hinder proceedings and the series starts to feel repetitive as episodes all segue into one.

For a comedy drama, the length of the episodes is rather short, but this is somewhat of a blessing in disguise here. With a lack of any real jeopardy on hand then a 45 minute episode would have felt painfully stretched.

The final episode, however, does begin to deliver in areas previously lacking and was probably the most enjoyable of the lot. Our favourite scene, incidentally, is in this episode and simply sees Conrad and Shona observing an exceptionally tall man walk down a corridor.

Was It Worth It?

20 Things to Do Before You're 30 really struggles to deliver anything that makes it stand out. It's, perhaps, in the shadow of Teachers far too much and quite why Tiger Aspect decided this was needed at the same time is anyone's guess.

And it doesn't truly reflect the lives of 20 somethings. Sure, there's love and sex, but that's about it. A little more depth to the characters could have made it a more honest portrayal that a whole demographic could have latched onto. This Life, it ain't.

Saying that, there's something in there that we find marginally likeable, but it only really leaped out at us in the final episode. Was there room for another series? Perhaps, but the whole concept would have started wearing thin by then. What would they call it? Another 20 Things to Do Before You're 30?

As it is, we'll label this as a curio due to Mathew Horne's early appearance and its relative obscurity.

Genre: Music
Channel: BBC2
Transmission: 16/08/1995

Ah, Britpop! Now there was a musical movement that the whole country could get behind!

With a confident, chirpy spring in its step it celebrated British life and took its cue from a rich legacy of British bands stretching from The Kinks to Wire to The Smiths.

Sure, it was jingoistic and never really consumed the world like we thought it would, but at the time it seemed anything was possible. Especially if you had a retro tracksuit top and hung about in The Good Mixer.

At the height of Britpop, in August 1995, the two biggest bands in the country - Oasis and Blur - went head to head in the battle of Britpop for the number 1 single. Blur prevailed with Country House outselling Roll With It, but you may have forgotten that week also saw the cream of the Britpop bands convening for Britpop Now.

All the People

Britpop Now featured some of the biggest hitters of the Britpop pack showcasing their catchy melodies - whilst clad in their finest Britpop fashion - to the nation.

Linking the compilation of performances together was the arch prince of Britpop himself, Damon Albarn.

The full list of performances were:

Blur - Country House
Elastica - Line Up
The Boo Radleys - It's Lulu
PJ Harvey - Meet Ze Monsta
Menswear - Daydreamer
Echobelly - Great Things
Gene - London Can You Wait
Supergrass - Alright
Sleeper - Inbetweener
Marion - I Stopped Dancing
Powder - Afrodisiac
Pulp - Common People

Curiously, Oasis did not appear in amongst this plethora of classic Britpop songs.

The Masterplan

Only one 45 minute episode of Britpop Now was ever recorded. The show went out at 6.45pm on BBC2 on 16th August 1995, just two days after the release of Country House.

Directing the action was Geraldine Dowd who has directed all manner of entertainment shows such as Mock the Week, The Graham Norton Show and Saturday Kitchen to name but a few.

It took 10 years for Britpop Now to earn a repeat viewing when it aired as part of the Britpop night on BBC4. A further repeat on BBC4 followed in 2007.

All the performances (and a few of Damon's intros) are spread across YouTube and DailyMotion.

I Should Coco

Britpop kind of passed us by at the time. We liked Blur, but we weren't huge music fans at the time. In fact, the only piece of music we bought in 1995 was the Zig and Zag single 'Hands Up! Hands Up'. And yes we are ashamed of that.

Our musical tastes rapidly picked up, though, as did the sprouting of new hairs and, albeit a few years late, we finally got Britpop. We didn't have much choice really - can you remember how bad a year for music 1998 was?!

We'd often read about Britpop Now and, buoyed by the upcoming release of Blur's comeback album 'The Magic Whip', we decided it was time to see what it was like.

Seeing the likes of Justine, Damon, Jarvis and the sideburns of Danny from Supergrass strutting around packed full of potential put a huge smile on our face. And didn't they look so young!

Rather depressingly we also realised that this was 20 years ago.

20 YEARS?! JESUS!

The actual songs on offer are a mixed bunch. Some are true Britpop anthems such as Common People by Pulp which is spine-tinglingly good here, but others such as Powder's 'Afrodisiac' show that it didn't take too much to get a record contract at the time.

And what's PJ Harvey doing there? She can hardly be classed as Britpop, can she?!

Damon - wearing a terrible 90s coat - isn't a natural presenter despite his drama background and seems a little too nonchalant. Still, you couldn't really have had anyone else presenting it. Well, maybe Suggs, but Damon is good enough.

It's a shame Oasis weren't there as they were a seminal band of the time, but they were never keen on the Britpop tag, so it's not a surprise.

The Great Escape?

Britpop Now is a great little snapshot of what was going on during British music in the mid 90s.

Why it was a one-off, though, is a bit of a mystery. It would have certainly offered an intriguing alternative to Top of the Pops. Actually, with it's slightly more highbrow range of music, it could have acted as Britpop's answer to The Old Grey Whistle Test.

If it had gone to series then it would definitely have needed something extra to give it a little spark. A live audience and some band interviews would have helped as it feels too formal here and not in keeping with the vibrant edge of Britpop.

If you lived through 90s Britpop, though, and want a healthy dose of nostalgia it's the perfect remedy.

Genre:Childrens
Channel:BBC1
Transmission: 20/02/1991 - 27/03/1991

The fairground is one of those magical landscapes that a child's brain can barely comprehend the majesty of.

With the bright lights, the booming music, the thrills and, of course, the sweets, the fair is custom built to appeal to every sensory desire of a child.

A parent, meanwhile, looks at the pools of vomit, holds onto their wallet tightly and prays to God that their child doesn't fall in with 'the fair lads'.

However, even the most pessimistic adult, can't deny that the fair acts as an escapist fantasy even if it's just for the briefest of moments on the waltzers before they vomit up their £4 hotdog.

And in Dodgem we find a father and child retreating into this fantasy world to escape the rigours of life.

All the Fun of the Fair

Simon Leighton (Sean Maguire) has got himself into a right old two and eight. He's stuck in a foster home with fellow children who are driving him insane and he just wants to get back to his artist dad Alex Leighton (John Telfer).

But how did poor old Simon find himself down the swanny like this?

Well, things haven't been that chipper at home recently. His mother Linda Leighton (Erin Geraghty) was - whilst pursuing her ballroom dancing dreams - tragically run down by Alex. Now, Alex was incredibly frustrated and jealous of Linda's ballroom dancing dream, but it was nothing more than an accident.

Alex, though, is ravaged by anguish and finds himself retreating deeper and deeper into the recesses of his mind to try and make sense of it all.

And you know what? He's in no fit state to look after Simon anymore.

So, Alex gets shipped off to a mental health assessment unit whilst Simon gets plonked in a foster home along with Rose Penfold (Lucy Speed). Rose has found herself separated from her 'Tunnel of Love' fairground ride owning dad Charlie Penfold (Trevor Peacock) due to poor school attendance.

Simon and Rose couldn't give two tosses about social services, so they formulate a devious plan to escape the foster home and reunite with their parents.

And the alluring lights of the fairground promise to be their saviour.

Setting Up

Dodgem was an adaptation of the Bernard Ashley 1981 novel of the same name and the series aired in early 1991 as part of the CBBC schedule. 6 episodes went out on Wednesday afternoons in the 5.10pm slot.

Christine Secombe was the producer and had a healthy CV packed full of previous experience in childrens TV with credits for Tom's Midnight Garden, Jonny Briggs and Jackanory. The writing credits were attributed to Bernard Ashley.

The series received a repeat in 1993 on BBC1.

You Have to Be This Tall to Ride This Ride

We completely missed Dodgem the first two times, but when we heard Bernard Ashley was involved we couldn't hold back from this helping of retro TV. Bernard, of course, was the man behind Running Scaredwhich has proved to be one of the most popular shows we've written about.

And luckily, at the point we discovered Dodgem, someone started uploading episodes to YouTube weekly. It was almost like going back in time and looking forward to each week's installment. Proper retro viewing.

Anyway, we duly devoured the 6 episodes and, well, we found it to be a mixed bag of retro TV.

First, the acting from Sean Maguire and Lucy Speed is excellent. Maguire is suitably frustrated with his situation and the way he lashes out at the word is well measured and his determination is full of emotion. Speed is confident beyond her tender years and her manipulative powers present an intriguing history.

And the mood of the piece is quite astounding for a piece of childrens tv. Death, separation, mental health, bullying and love are all packed tightly into the shows DNA. Each aspect cleverly taps into the fears of any child and allows them to relate to the character's personal tragedies.

The use of a fairground is also an inspired choice which represents an escape for all the characters where they can start again. Every child feels like running away at some point in their life, so again, it's something the young viewers can engage with and Bernard Ashley deserves credit for this simple, but effective device.

However, there are a few minuses as well.

Sometimes the mood is just too heavy for a childrens show and moves into depressing territory. Sure, there's light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey there is a hard trodden path which is a bit of a struggle for the viewer.

This isn't helped by the length of the series either. 4 or 5 episodes would have made for a more lively piece whereas, at 6 episodes, it does seem to drag at times - particularly life in the foster home with its collection of cartoon bullies.

And some of the acting is a little poor. John Telfer's range for portraying a depressed father is limited and it seems more a case of barely acting rather than sinking his teeth into the deep psychological issues Alex is going through.

The storyline is also a little muddied. There are no real antagonists apart from life itself. The occasional foe turns up for Simon, but they're small time and play no real part in how the story unfolds. Mental health is the biggest bad guy on offer, but maybe it's too complex for children to truly grasp.

The message sent out by actually escaping and joining the fair seemed a little strange in our opinion. There are no real ramifications for their actions which come across as desperate and immature. In a way, though, it does highlight that adults can make mistakes.

The resolution to the show is a bit baffling as everything is tied up just a little too neatly. Given how the characters have behaved they all seem to be getting off scot free. A happy ending is certainly needed after all the emotional hardship they've gone through, but we were left wanting something a little more believable.

Packing Up

Dodgem is a decent-ish show, but it's heavy going for a piece of childrens TV which could badly do with a little more joy along the way to lighten the load.

It's boosted by the great performances of Sean Maguire and Lucy Speed who would both end up in EastEnders in a few years time, but, despite continuing to act on TV, for one reason or another they've never quite set the world alight.

Dodgem is certainly worthy of a watch in the name of retro TV, but it doesn't rank as highly in the annals of classic TV in the same manner that Running Scared does.

Written by Louise MacGregor

So, you want to watch something new this weekend. You want to get your teeth into something good and meaty, but something that can be consumed (then, obviously, analysed to pieces over a glass of wine or six) over a weekend.

And, judging by the fact that you’re on this site, you’re probably looking for an amazing helping of retro tv to fill up your time.

Let’s take a look at the five best British TV shows from yesteryear that you should marathon this weekend (though not all at once!).

While I might be a bit more likely to stay up for days on end to finish a really good drama, I appreciate not everyone wants to sit up late into the night just to get one more episode in, so I’m sticking firmly to shows whose entire run clocks in at twelve episodes or less (toilet breaks not included).

5. Brideshead Revisited

This is one of those shows that everyone is aware of, but not everyone has seen - and if you fall into that latter category, don’t be put off by its lofty status.

It’s surprisingly accessible, with amazing performances from Anthony Andrews (who received a BAFTA for his work here) and Jeremy Irons, as well as the ever-reliable John Gielgud.

Told in flashback as Charles Ryder returns to the home he frequented as a young man, it’s pretty forward-thinking in terms of structure, and hasn’t aged too badly considering the fact that it was released over thirty years ago.

Evelyn Waugh’s source material is paid faithful homage with a great script, funnier and sharper than many of those worshipful reviews would have you believe.

Unpatronising and superbly well-directed, Brideshead Revisited (at just eleven episodes long) is an absorbing, intelligent look at social and political power in the 1920s.

4. Star Cops

Yes, the name does sound a little bit like a parody series from a Monty Python sketch, but Star Cops has plenty to recommend to it. As anyone who’s read anything I’ve written before knows, I’m partial to a bit of science-fiction, and Star Cops has it in spades.

Following the exploits of the International Space Police Force (nicknamed the star cops) as they attempt to bring law and order to the quickly expanding borders of the intergalactic colonies, this is a show for sci-fi purists. It’s a seriously science-fictiony affair, with most of the crimes revolving around the way new technology has been adapted and used for nefarious purposes.

A strong lead performance from the appropriately imposing David Calder as the head of the team anchors the whole thing, and, while it wasn’t particularly well-received at the time (cancelled after nine episodes, with a pitiful amount of viewers), a modern viewer can see that it was really a forward-thinking slice of hardcore science fiction that was, if anything, a little bit ahead of it’s time.

3. Pathfinders in Space

Technically a spin-off to the now-lost Project Luna series, Pathfinders in Space acted as a kind of cultivating ground for Sydney Newman, who would later go on to create the seminal original Doctor Who series.

It’s a simple idea that’s spun out into a successfully tense seven episodes - a new spaceship is launched, but when it’s journey hits a bump, a group of scientists set out to try and make sure that it’s occupants get home safely. Once they catch up with the ship and arrive at their destination, they soon figure out that everything is not as it seems.

It’s ponderous and thoughtful, using the science fiction elements as a backdrop to explore bigger ideas as all great sci-fi does. Released over fifty years ago, it’s a fantastic example of how British television was hitting all the big sci-fi ideas long before anyone else got there.

Add to that a handful of solid performances and a great script, and you’ll be happy to overlook the slightly ropey special effects in this unmissable serving of retro TV.

2. The Day of the Triffids

We jump forward now to 1981, with the seminal and superb adaptation of John Wyndham’s horror/science-fiction classic.

After a dazzling meteor shower leaves most of the world blind, the few people left sighted are forced to struggle to rebuild society - oh, and there are a bunch of carnivorous plants on the loose, too.

Sure, it sounds pretty ridiculous and pulpy, but it manages to pull back from being too tongue-in-cheek and instead focuses on the practical implications of such an event.

A strong, thoughtful script that does justice to Wyndham’s fantastic novel is balanced with solid real effects on the giant triffids and convincing performances (especially from star John Duttine) that put this head and shoulders above most over-the-top horror serials.

Focusing on the exchange and importance of power and sight, The Day of the Triffids manages to cram plenty of food for thought into it’s six episode running time.

1. I, Claudius

How do I love thee, I, Claudius? Let me count the ways (and there are many).

It could be because of the sensational performances- whether it’s Brian Blessed’s jovial but occasionally sinister Augustus (remember when he was a serious actor as opposed to a walking megaphone?), Derek Jacobi’s neurotic but wise Claudius, or Sian Philips as the scheming and sour Livia, they’re fantastic across the board (let us not forget, either, John Hurt, as the effete but bone-chilling Caligula).

Maybe it’s the production values, which are puny, forcing the focus to be on scintillating scripts and character moments to distract from the fact the coliseum only has about twelve people in it and marble pillars wobble leaned on.

Or maybe it’s the fact that this show, at twelve episodes long, tells an ambitious tale - spanning the reign of five Roman emperors - and relies on nothing but great pacing, award-winning performances, and Robert Graves’ superb source material to hold your attention. No special effects, no action scenes, just a great story told by people who know how to tell it.

A real, grown-up drama, it's one of those British TV shows that remind you they just don’t make them like this anymore.

You can catch up on more of Louise's enquiring mind at The Three Penny Guignol

Genre:Childrens
Channel:BBC1
Transmission: 25/04/1977 - 20/05/1977

We don't know about you, but we don't half love dogs.

BUT WE COULDN'T EAT A WHOLE ONE! LOLROFLOL!

No, seriously, we love dogs and we're pretty sure you do too. Unless you're one of those cat lovers, but, well, we suppose Custard of Roobarb and Custard fame was a right cackling enigma if ever there was one.

Anyway, we're getting sidetracked by that curiously retro tv mind of ours. You see, the real reason we've gathered round the great British TV alter today is to take a ganders at Fred Basset.

Man's Best Friend

Unless you've fallen out of the CAN'T GRASP THE BLEEDING OBVIOUS tree, Fred Basset is a basset hound - that's a type of dog if you're still dusting yourself down from your fall.

And he lives the classic dog lifestyle. Chasing cats, stealing sausages, jumping in ponds and being faithful to his dog food wielding owners.

Yeah, and uh, that's pretty much the entire synopsis out of the nutshell and before your hungry, British TV loving eyes.

From Comic to Screen

Good old Fred Basset, of course, is best known for his long running comic strip in the Daily Mail first created by Alex Graham and, after his death, continued by Michael Martin.

But when exactly did this TV adaptation start digging up the marigolds? Well, it was first aired in Spring 1977 on BBC1 in the 5.35pm slot and was a collection of 20x 5 minute episodes.

It received a few repeats up until 1981 on the Beeb, but was later shown on Channel 4 in an early morning slot.

The team behind the cartoon series was Bill Melendez Productions who also produced The Perishers and continue to produce commercials to this very day.

Bringing an absolutely ridiculously long CV of starring in British films was Lionel Jeffries to bring his well spoken Southern tones to voice the thoughts of Fred. Victor Spinnetti and Ann Beach were also on hand to fill in voices of various other characters.

A VHS release came out in the early 90s on the Castle Vision label and collected together 10 of the episodes. This has been ripped and is currently on YouTube, but no other episodes are available.

Walking the Dog

When we were about 9 we discovered a few dusty copies of the Fred Basset year books - still released to this day - in an old bookshop and were hooked instantly.

There was something inherently idyllic and carefree about his life that we wanted a slice of. We didn't want to be like his owners living the rat race and desperately trying to keep up with the Joneses. Nah, we wanted to live this carefree utopian Basset existence and just chew on a good bone.

Anyway, a couple of years after first discovering Fred we got hold of the Fred Basset VHS.
And we loved it. We nearly wore the bloody tape out.

This made it a perfect candidate to come under the close scrutiny of our judgmental eye, so we headed to YouTube to reacquaint ourselves with an old friend.

Sure, the animation is a bit basic, but even the newspaper drawings were never genre shattering pieces. The driving force has always been the power of Fred's thoughts.

And, you know what? It's charming stuff. Yeah, it's pretty damn gentle and the most excitement we ever encounter is a butcher chasing a dog with a mouthful of sausages, but that's the epitome of a naughty, cartoon dog, so what else do you want? Fred Basset running up gambling debts with a pack of rottweilers?!

In fact, the whole series is all very middle class and packed full of all the aspirational trappings of the bourgeoisie dream. Cars, fur coats and, most importantly, a good golf handicap are all chased as an absolute necessity. Fred realises which side his bread is buttered on and gleefully goes along with all, but we'd like to have seen him lampooning his owners a little more to give the show a bit more edge.

Episodes are pretty short, so there's little room for any depth in character. We're not expecting harrowing storylines where Fred struggles to overcome deep seated puppy separation issues, but the humanity on show is galaxies away from the depth seen in 'Calvin and Hobbes' or 'Peanuts'.

However, Alex Graham never set out for Fred Basset to dissect mankind's foibles, so the fact that these are bright and simplistic jaunts played out with no consequence is fair enough. It's no surprise we loved them as a child, long before we experienced the pains of loss and punching into work every day.

So, yeah, the episodes provide a well needed escape from the rigours of life. And this, we suspect, is what Alex Graham set out to achieve, so Bill Melendez Productions must be applauded for replicating this on screen. However, we were a little disappointed that they seem to have ignored Fred's erstwhile friend, Yorkie, who only makes a nameless appearance.

Lionel Jeffries, of course, provides a great voice and the suburban well spoken drawl is EXACTLY how we imagined Fred would sound.

Perhaps the true jewel in the crown, though, is the wonderfully dreamy, almost Bacharach-esque score composed by Ian Samwell and Max Middleton. It chimes beautifully and threatens to leave you floating deliriously into some distant, happy daze amongst the clouds.

It's a Dog's Life

We're glad we caught up with Fred Basset. He's barely aged thanks to a long held tradition of keeping out any references to technology, so it still feels fresh in its examination of human (and dog) life.

It is incredibly middle aged and placid, but it acts as a great escape from the hectic stresses of real life. We'd like to have seen a bit more satire from Fred about his middle class owners, but that's never been the Fred Basset style. He may hint at it in the source material, but he knows his owners keep him warm and this is enough to tame his cruel tongue.

We'd love to see the other 10 episodes not included on the VHS, but maybe Fred Basset isn't quite big enough to warrant such a release. Hopefully, one day, some home taped versions of the Channel 4 broadcasts will seep onto YouTube.

Genre:Childrens
Channel:The Children's Channel
Transmission: 1990 - 91

If you're anything like us then you storm through the door after a hard day at work, grab a beer and crank out the songs of your youth to relax.

Kids, though, tend to waltz through the door with an insouciant swagger, a pack of sweets in their back pocket and, rolled up under their arm, a comic.

It's not much, but it's enough to satisfy anyone under the age of 10. And there's only one comic these youngsters can be seen with. And that's the Beano.

Dennis the Menace, of course, is the star of the Beano and he's received several TV adaptations over the year, but the most interesting one is TheDennis the Menace and Gnasher Show.

A Menacing Young Boy

Dennis the Menace lives in Beanotown and lives for a bit of mischief. His best pal is his beloved Abyssinian wire haired tripehound who gnashes and chomps his way through life whilst gasping out the odd hiss of a word.

Trying to stand in the way of Dennis' quest for unabashed fun and menacing are Mum and Dad who just want their darling son to be less reckless and naughty. They'd probably much rather he be like well behaved Walter the Softy who often finds himself on the receiving end of Dennis' pranks.

Behind the Menace

TheDennisthe Menace and Gnasher Show aired on The Children's Channel (TCC) between 1990 - 91 and, as well as the standalone story segments, Dennis and Gnasher also starred in 'Dennis Link Shows' to present other programming on the channel. Around 100 episodes of these link shows and the story segments were produced.

The puppets produced for the series were made by Ultimate Animates but for the first series, only Dennis, Gnasher and Walter featured. The second series saw Dennis' Mum and Dad also being added to the puppet roster to flesh/fabric out Dennis' world.

Writing the series was Mike Barfield (see interview below) and directing the whole affair was Bob Harvey.

And how exactly did TCC end up winning the coveted adaptation of Dennis the Menace? Well, there was a tie up between Starstream (a subsidiary of TCC) and D.C. Thompson who just happened to be the publishers of The Beano.

Menace to Society

Satellite television was somewhat of a rarity to us in 1990/91. We certainly didn't have it and not one of our mates did either. So, yeah, all we could do was make do with reading the Sky listings in the paper and dreaming of this wonderful Astra shaped world.

And then, one day, we discovered that our Aunt had Sky! Finally, the world of The Simpsons, WWF and, yes, Dennis the Menace was within reach! Only problem was that our Aunt lived in dear old London while we were stranded in the depths of East Anglia.

Thanks to VHS, though, and a family visit we soon received a magical 3 hour tape packed full of satellite goodness. And there was a fair old bit of TheDennis the Menace and Gnasher Show on it, but we can't remember too much about it apart from puppets and some guessing game where the answer was "painting". It's a vague memory, but it's there. AND IT'S OURS, GUVNOR!

Some right kind soul, thankfully, has gone and uploaded 7 episodes to YouTube, so it gave us another chance to get to grips with it.

And this time we'd write a damn blog about the whole affair!

The anarchic theme tune sets the tone of the show and taps deeply into the riotous, unabashed youthful vibrancy of bad boy Dennis. It's accompanied by some cool animations, but they're a bit misleading as there's no sign of puppetry here and appears to be setting you up for 100% cartoonage.

Anyway, when the puppets do appear they're pretty damn ace!

Have you ever seen those lifesize 3-D versions of The Simpsons? They're bloody awful, all out of proportion and unnatural looking, but the puppets on show here are fantastic. They genuinely look like they've leaped off the pages of The Beano, so it's a great job by Ultimate Animates and gets the series off on the right foot.

The animated locations are also amazingly put together and incredibly faithful to the backdrops provided on the pages of The Beano. If real life locations had been used then it would have really clashed with the feel of the piece, but the use of green screen here genuinely lends a cartoony edge to proceedings.

But what about the stories?

Well, they're pretty faithful to the source material of the Beano. You see, that Dennis, right, is a menace. Handy with a catapult and absolutely addicted to mischief. That's why he spends most of his time trying to bunk off school, testing the patience of adults and, perhaps his main raison d'être, terrifying poor Walter the Softy.

Walter's a softly spoken, effeminate chap who breaks into a cold sweat at the sight of a butterfly and Dennis ain't exactly in the mood for making overtures of brotherly friendship towards him.

And it's this clear dichotomy between Dennis and Walter which engenders a primeval cheekiness in Dennis' id and leaves him aching to pelt Walter with soot bombs and give him a good old fashioned kick up the jacksie.

It's a dubious message to deliver to youngsters, but the writers aren't lazy enough to just let Dennis get away with it. No, they make sure that, more often than not, Dennis comes a cropper due to his actions. He does prevail sometimes, though, and it's that visceral thrill which keeps him coming back for mischief again and again.

And these stories are all condensed into just 5 minutes. At this length they can really maintain the exhilarating wham bam thank you ma'am feel of the comic strips. Nothing drags and three act structures of intense menacing have unfolded, shaken your senses up and then cleared off before you know it.

Final Thoughts

So what did we thinkof Dennis and Gnasher's first foray into the world of TV?

It was actually bloody alright and a downright acceptable adaptation of one of Britain's best loved anti-heroes.

Yeah, sure, Dennis lacks some basics in moral integrity but ultimately the rights and wrongs of his actions are laid bare for the viewers to see.

It's very different to the BBC versions which followed in its wake where Dennis is less of a bully and Walter the Softy can tread the streets of Beanotown with less fear. But we kinda like this 1990 incarnation where everything's rough and ready and slightly flawed.

It's an honest portrayal of what it's like to be a boy growing up. You're not gonna make the right choices, you're not always going to be the nicest apple in the cart, but you're gonna make damn sure you have some fun along the way.

And, despite making a humungous amount of episodes in such a short time, we think there was room for more. TheDennis the Menace and Gnasher Show could easily have made the transition to a terrestrial channel such as Channel 4 where it would have slotted into their early morning programming.

As it is, it remains a hidden gem and one of the best productions for TCC.

INTERVIEW

Mike Barfield kindly took the time to answer a few of our probing questions about writing for the show, so feast your eyes on this!

Curious British Telly: How exactly did you find yourself writing for The Dennis the Menace and Gnasher Show?

Mike Barfield: I had been the producer, writer, researcher and co-presenter of a kids' show for BSB called Comic Cuts. It was made by a subsidiary of The Children's Channel called Starstream. D C Thomson had a share of it, and the parent company TCC had been hoping for a long time that they would let them make a Dennis show. I knew lots about British comics, part of the reason why I got the job producing a show for BSB about cartoons, though I wasn't a cartoonist myself back then. The people who ran Starstream realised I was a big comics fan from doing Comic Cuts and offered me the chance to write the pilot, and if DC Thomson liked it, then I could get to write on the series.

CBT: Did you have to do much research into the characters or did you come to the show as a die hard Dennis the Menace fan?

MB: I'd been reading the Beano since I was a kid in the 1960s. I had old annuals and a few comics. Obviously I didn't read so many Beanos once I was a teenager and I simply had to catch up with where the character had got to in the 'Beano-verse'. It didn't take long though! I think DC Thomson sent me a load of comics to read.

CBT: There were an insane amount of episodes produced, so did this mean the writing process was a hectic affair consisting of many late nights?

MB: There were 100 episodes made, most of them not stories but simply what we called Dennis Link Shows. These were set in Dennis' den and he and Gnasher did pieces to camera against green screen, letters from kids etc, before introducing stock cartoons - usually US ones - that they'd bought in. I also wove in story segments that had been written by me and filmed earlier. No late nights. Just lots of time spent sat at the dining table in my flat in Shepherds Bush. I knew the Menace world well so it came quite easily - speech patterns, vocabulary, sense of fun. I also had a good idea of what I could and couldn't do or say. DC Thomson are understandably careful about their characters and the image they present to the world. Dennis was still allowed to be naughty back in 1991 but in order to get the nod to write for him I was sent up to Dundee to meet all the Beano team. It was great. A dream come true. Euan Kerr was the editor then. They took me to lunch and we talked about the characters and what I could and couldn't write. I also got to meet one of the tea ladies who was the inspiration for Olive the Bash Street cook.

CBT: Writing for puppets must be very different to writing for humans, so what did you have to bear in mind when penning the scripts?

MB: First series there were only three puppets - Dennis, Gnasher, Walter. So I had to bear in mind that all other characters could only appear as drawings or out of shot! Not easy! Drawings were done in Paintbox by a brilliant art school graduate called John Bonner who now lives in the States and paints big canvases. He mimicked the Beano art brilliantly and I could set him any task and he'd achieve it brilliantly. John was a mate of Robb Hart, who co ran the Children's Channel. For the second series the puppets Dad and Mum were made. However, I can recall going to a first meeting where we were to be shown Dennis, Gnasher and Walter for the first time. They had been made by a top puppet company called Ultimate Animates, owned by a man called Mike Barclay. I remember asking him what the puppets could do and he said it was easier for him to tell me what they couldn't do - run (they had no legs), hold things, or get wet. For a physical character like Dennis it was quite restricting.

CBT: Dennis doesn't have the strongest set of morals, but he's an idol to many young boys. Did you find it important to demonstrate that his dubious actions often lead to him falling flat on his face?

MB: Dennis is inventive, loyal, brave, and when he does behave cheekily - such as scrumping apples or teasing walter, he always comes off worse. It was important to show that. Dennis couldn't be a bully. DC Thomson wouldn't have let it be any other way. And indeed, though I tried to bring in other writers, by getting writer friends of mine to write sample scripts, DC Thomson rejected every one of them. (Probably reflecting the fact I knew the world, characters and language better.) As a result I ended up writing all 100 episodes - with just one of them being co-written by me and the director/producer Bob Harvey.

CBT: Do you know if there were any plans for a third series or maybe even a move to a terrestrial channel?

MB: Don't know. I think it stopped because DC Thomson changed their mind or had plans afoot to do an animated series.

CBT: Finally, what have you been up to post-Dennis?

MB: Became a cartoonist myself - 19 years in private Eye - carried on writing jokes - also scripted in TV, most notably for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and You Are What You Eat. Now work as writer, poet, in schools - have a children's book out called SWAT! A Fly's Guide to Staying Alive available from Amazon.

CBT: Thanks a lot, Mike!

More of Mike's work and activities can be found at www.mikebarfield.co.uk

Genre:Documentary
Channel:Play UK
Transmission: 2002

Larger than life, libertarian, ravisher of women, yes, these are just some the ways you can describe Russell Brand.

And it's these dominant traits which create the quintessential Marmite debate. Some of us are more than happy to lavish his yeasty goodness on a piece of toast and devour it whole, but others retch at the mere mention of his name.

We absolutely love him, though, and no matter how misguided he can be at times we'll offer up a fistful of knuckles for anyone who bemoans his lustrous locks and big mouth.

He wasn't, of course, always the media presence that he is today. No, everyone needs to start somewhere and one of old Russ' earliest forays into TV was with Re:Brand.

Setting the Brand

Russell Brand wants to challenge our rigid moral structures and take a closer look at the various microcosms bubbling away under societies surface that we're so willing to blindly reject.

And it's in Re:Brand that Russell's going to immerse himself in these worlds and their inhabitants lives to glean some perception on their validity against the contemporary social politics that determine 'normal' life.

Brand's journey into these challenging taboos - long since labeled as dysfunctional - will see him taking in a homeless person, hanging round with a proud fascist and, uh, masturbating a willing chap in some pub toilets.

Producing a Brand

Re:Brand aired in 2002 on the now defunct Play UK channel which was one of the first digital channels in the UK (although it originated as UK Play). Episodes were filmed during Summer 2002 and must have aired pretty sharpish as the channel closed on 30th September 2002.

7 episodes were produced and, looking at the credits, there were relatively few people involved. The low budget nature of the show means that the credits don't even include surnames, so it's difficult to tell exactly who was involved. We do know, however, that Brand's longtime collaborator, Matt Morgan, was the series' researcher.

The series was produced by Vera Productions and Geoff Atkinson (of Vera) acted as executive producer.

Although there were rumours, several years ago when Brand's juggernaut really rolled into town, that a DVD release of the series was on the cards, this has never materialised. Don't worry though, kids, as all 7 episodes are up on YouTube, so hop over their sharpish to catch them.

And what's that curious snippet of post-rock playing over the end credits? Why it's "Summer (Priority Version) by those cuddly noiseniks Mogwai.

Brand Analysis

As we mentioned in our intro we can't get enough of Brand's infectiously outrageous personality. We first stumbled across him on Big Brother's Big Mouth and were floored by his loud, barmy antics and, most importantly, the rich streak of Britishness pumping through his veins.

We heard about Re:Brand a few years later when the tabloids were trying to demonise poor Russ and kept coming back to the fact that "HE WANKED OFF A MAN IN A TOILET, THE DEVIANT LOWLIFE!".

And, to be honest, we just laughed and thought "Yeah! That sounds like something he'd do, the little scamp!".

It wasn't until recently, though, infected by Branditis following his Audioboom podcast series, that we started to wonder about his early days.

We'd heard all the stories about drug abuse and getting fired from MTV on 12/09/2001 for dressing up as Osama Bin Laden, but Re:Brand found Brand in the middle of this maelstrom and we just had to take a look.

First off, 2002 Brand differs slightly to the post mid 00s Brand. The verbal dexterity and born-to-perform spirit are plain to see, but they're not as refined here. And the rock 'n' roll Jesus appearance that now defines him is less evident - he looks like your typical XFM presenter here, but as we'll learn, he's operating on a completely different level to his peers.

Re:Brand certainly don't pull no punches and Russell Brand adopts an exciting gonzo approach to investigating his subject matter. It kind of reminded us of a rock 'n' roll take on Louis Theroux's Weird Weekends, but come at from an angle that makes Re:Brand completely unique.

There's so much emotion and conviction at play here that Brand's compassion for the people he meets can't be underestimated. He certainly hasn't turned up just to get a paycheque and a bit of fame, but no doubt that helped him with the laydeez.

No, Brand cares and he don't just go the extra mile, he goes to extreme lengths to connect and understand the taboos he's investigating. Just take a look at the 'Homeless' episode where Brand takes in homeless James. He bathes him tenderly like a child before sharing the water with James in an attempt to humanise and recognise him.

There's not many presenters who would go to those lengths.

But Brand isn't finished there. In the series finale he confronts the restrictive constructs imposed on sexuality by taking a willing fellow into some pub toilets and giving him a handjob. The gonzo reporting is never more evident than here where Brand suffers an immediate identity crisis bringing in class and masculinity.

Brand's emotive approach doesn't always work though. The 'Naziboy' episode which centres on Mark Collett - youth leader for the BNP - suffers due to Brand becoming enraged with Collett's political sensibilities. Collett immediately nixes any more contact with Brand and many questions are left unanswered. It's difficult to disagree with Brand's view here, but a more calm approach would have yielded better results.

Also, not every episode is a startling revelation into mankind's inability to grant humanity to all areas of life. The 'My Old Tart' episode meanders along and, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for elderly Wendy) nothing of any note really happens. As a result it's a gentle look at cross-generational relationships, but nothing really hits home.

So, yeah, you're probably gathering that it's a rather unique set of social concepts that Brand is running through his curiously inquisitive mind.

And it's no surprise to learn that Brand has since admitted he was drunk or on heroin when recording the series. However, we've met a few alcoholics and heroin addicts in our time and he seems surprisingly compos mentis for one who's indulging in nefarious substances. The fact that he's not just dribbling on a couch is a testament to his plucky drive.

Brand Performance

Brand, of course, finally kicked his drink and drugs habit a couple of years after Re:Brand and has had a meteoric rise to fame ever since. Quite what would have happened if Brand had remained an addict is quite troubling and Re:Brand may have served as a troubling epitath to his spirit.

Thankfully, Brand is still at large. Therefore, Re:Brand can act as an incredibly deep and touching, low budget analysis of how we as humans interact with each other and condemn certain behaviours in the blink of an eye.

We can't think of anything that's come close to touching it in terms of brutal honesty and it's perhaps one of the best things Brand has ever done.

The classic era of Doctor Who (1963-89) spawned many a classic tale and even more amazing characters.

But during that long tenure in the nation's hearts only one character managed to be rewarded with a spinoff. It was, quite rightfully, the fantastic and beautiful Elisabeth Sladen in K9 and Company.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the huge success the BBC were looking for, so perhaps it was a case of the old "once bitten, twice shy" theorem.

And it's a damn shame, my friends, as there was so much potential in amongst the wealth of personality ingrained into all the supporting cast over the years.

That's why we've decided to take a look at who would have made the best spinoffs.

Sabalom Glitz and Dibber

Glitz and Dibber popped up in 'The Mysterious Planet' and proved themselves to be the quintessential Robert Holmes double act.

That Holmes had an amazing brainbox and even here, his last full story written amidst ill health, he managed to create a rich duo who complement each other perfectly.

Glitz is the duplicitous rascal with the gift of the gab and a true passion for money. He's backed up by Dibber who's slow minded and frequently taken advantage of by Glitz, but remains passionately loyal.

And what sort of spinoff would house these two? Well, it's obvious, innit? They're remarkably similar to Del Boy and Rodney, so why not some intergalactic wheeler dealer sitcom?

We can see it now, Glitz forever promising Dibber that each deal's going to net them a million space bucks, Dibber being sold into Venusian slavery by 'mistake' and finally Glitz falling through a bar.

What would we call it? 'Glitz and Glam'.

Duggan

Yeah, we've previously eulogised Duggan for being the greatest Who companion that never was, but he was pretty damn amazing. And that's why he deserved a spinoff.

His bravery and heroism are admirable qualities and his penchant for delivering a right hook make him a real man's man. You wanna be him, don't you? We know we do!

And what better vehicle for him to brawl his way through than a comedy drama!

Yes, Duggan's been deported from France for delivering his pugilistic brand of justice to a gendarme and, now, finds himself back in bleak old Blighty down on his luck.

He's about to shut down his detective agency and become a security guard when he stumbles across young Jessica. A delightfully pretty young woman, Jessica is fresh out of university with a first class honours degree in psychology, but no common sense.

Duggan senses that if he provides the brawn and and Jessica brings her brains to the table they can be a formidable, but odd force. Together they'll tackle crime with their differing personalities bringing about the most ridiculous consequences.

And, all the while, there'll be a smouldering romantic frisson bubbling beneath the surface of their relationship.

We'd watch it. We'd buy the bloody box set!

Sergeant Benton

Good old Benton was always our favourite of the UNIT troops.He was nowhere near as bloody minded as the Brigadier and less likely to nick your girlfriend than Captain Mike Yates.

He was exactly the kind of fellow you'd want with you in trenches. He faced Cybermen, Dinosaurs and Daleks in his time, but did he bat an eyelid at these extra-terrestrial fiends? Course he didn't because he was a right bloody chap.

But what sort of spinoff would suit a man like Benton?

Well, we envisage Benton - post UNIT - retiring to an idyllic Suffolk village and running a garden centre or maybe the local Post Office. However, all is not as serene as it seems.

Benton's village will be besieged by murders, thefts and insurance frauds. With the village bobby being nothing more than an alcoholic with a truncheon, it's up to Benton to weed out the wrongdoers with his military prowess.

Imaging Lovejoy but with less antiques and a catchphrase of "Blimey! And I thought the Daleks were a handful!".

Whizzkid

Whizzkid was a curious parody of Doctor Who fans that pretty much informed them that their obsession would lead to them being crushed by the Gods of Ragnarok.

Well, it never did us any harm, so yah boo sucks to you, John Nathan-Turner (RIP).

Anyway, Whizzkid possessed all the traits of an obsessive geek, but always displayed them with an incredible cheeriness. Except when he got all involved with them Gods of Ragnarok and obliterated into a mixture of dust and spectacles.

If he hadn't had every atom in his body turned inside out, though, we could easily see him being the star of his own 80s sci-fi comedy show.

The new boy in school, he tries to integrate himself with his peers by reciting line after line from his favourite sci fi shows. And gets his head kicked in repeatedly.

Now, most kids in this situation either run away to join the circus or fight to win respect. Whizzkid, being a weakling, decides that he's heading to the big top in a hurry. Although, obviously it wouldn't be the psychic circus.

But then, he discovers his school has been invaded by aliens who have replaced the teachers with clones and are planning to harvest the pupils as part of their colonisation plans.

Only Whizzkid - with his knowledge of sci-fi plotlines - can outwit the aliens at their own game, save the day and win the respect of his peers.

Expect lots of meta-jokes and Whizzkid adjusting his bowtie nervously whenever Crusher Jenkins enters a scene.

Who else do you think deserved a spinoff? Let us know in the comments below!

Genre:Childrens
Channel:BBC1
Transmission: 11/02/1981 - 18/03/1981

Stone the crows! We've only gone and secured another exclusive look at a Bernard Ashley show!

Well, "secured" and "exclusive" are probably grandiose terms for what amounts to getting our grubby mitts on a DVD, but it sounds good, don't it?

Anyway, Bernard Ashley is a super nice all round bloke and a remarkably profound writer on the troubles of downtrodden youth, soit's time you strapped your littler derrières in and prepared yourself for Break in the Sun.

Getting Away From it All

Oh, Patsy! Patsy Patsy Bligh what have you gone and done now? You've gone and run away, ain't ya?!

Yeah, so Break in the Sun sees poor old Patsy Bligh all down on her luck and full of existential teenage angst. And, you know what, we're not bloody surprised.

Plucked from the security and warmth of her Margate home - where the grandmotherly Mrs Broadley (Kathleen Heath) dotes upon her - she now finds herself trapped in Deptford thanks to her mother, Sylvia Green (Catherine Chase), getting married and having a baby with Eddie Green (Brian Hall).

Now, the main thrust of Patsy's woes and worries come directly from the embittered rage of Eddie who not only belittles her verbally, but also gets handy with his fists leaving her bruised and so full of anxiety that her nights have become a real horrorshow of bedwetting. And this frustrates Eddie even more ergo a vicious cycle ensues.

Obviously, Patsy is right rattled up by this and feels completely alienated from her household where her mother is far too busy with the new baby. Sure, Patsy's got her mate Kenny Granger (Kevin Taffurelli) - ginger, portly and prone to swimming a few lengths in the murky Thames - but there's only so much support his bespectacled form can offer.

Patsy's only escape from all this hideousness appears to be immersing herself in the world of drama. She's a bit of a starlet next to her monotone peers and, just maybe, this precocious talent is gonna help her escape the doldrums of Deptford.

Now what's gone and happened is that Patsy's spied a curious old boat down at the quay which houses an acting troupe who are travelling up and down the coast putting on a production of 'A Happy Release'. Oh and they're heading towards Margate and the comforting bosom of Mrs Broadley.

Patsy, of course, soon finds her eyes twinkling with visions of her treading the boards and finding refuge from the bothersome Eddie. And, by a stroke of luck, half term's coming up, so wouldn't it be just spiffing for her to join the production and sail all her worries away?

Ain't gonna happen unfortunately as the old actors ain't too keen on whisking her away from her parents into a world of seafaring performance. And rightly so, the conscientious old buggers.

However, Patsy's determined to get away from it all, so she tricks Eddie into writing some vague nonsense about allowing her to go on a school trip. The actors are overjoyed and soon head off onto the high seas for deepest Kent.

Patsy, of course, has already skipped school by this point, so a teacher heads round to see her parents and find out where the little tyke is. All hell breaks loose and Patsy's mother is all distraught about the loss of her beloved daughter and finally starts laying down the law at Eddie's door.

Kenny, after being harrassed by his saccharine, but well meaning mother, Mrs Granger (Patsy Rowlands), reveals that he saw Patsy getting on a boat. Eddie's bundled out of the house and told to find out where the hell she's got too and discovers that the boat's headed for Kent.

Teamed up with Kenny, Eddie is sent to chase the boat - there's no point getting the fuzz involved he reckons - and bring back little Patsy.

Producing the Drama

Break in the Sun was a novel by Bernard Ashley which had the adaptation treatment given to it by Alan England's capable and crafting hands. The 6 episode series aired on BBC1 in winter 1981 and had a repeat visit in spring 1982.

Getting himself comfy in the director's chair was Roger Singleton-Turner who would later go to direct proceedings in Grange Hill, Watt on Earth and The Demon Headmaster.

No commercial releases ever followed.

Oh What a Lovely Break!

We'd been waxing lyrical about old Bernard Ashley's writing talents on Twitter when one of our loyal and beautiful followers mentioned Break in the Sun.

What's this they're banging on about we thought up in our curious brainhole. A Bernard Ashley show we ain't gone and covered yet? This won't do, it just won't do!

So what we did was this: we jumped on our trusted information superhighwaynet and swung by YouTube to see it was available for our viewing pleasures, but it bleeding weren't. Gutted we was, but not dissuaded from the chase.

We soon found someone selling DVD copies for a not completely unreasonable price. You've got to be careful of the rip off merchants littering the web, you see, as they want nothing more than to charge £40.00 for grainy old copies of David Jason in shows before he was the household name he becamed.

Supply and demand they call it. Daylight robbery we call it.

Yeah, so we got this DVD delivered and were gobsmacked to find it had come all the way from Georgia, USA. What on Earth is someone doing over 3,000 miles away tenderly burning copies of Break in the Sun? Shouldn't they be concentrating on rare copies of, uh, My Mother the Car, or something?

We ain't going to argue, though, seeing as we're pleased as punch we've got a copy of the show, but it does raise some interesting questions about the machinations of the pirate DVD business in the 21st century. Questions that, you'll be glad to hear, we won't bore your lugholes with today. Or ever.

So, yeah, the actual show.

Although it's an adaptation, Alan England has delivered that trademark tone of Bernard Ashley's tales of teen alienation and the hardships that define those difficult years. And that recurring Ashley motif of running away is pumping strongly through the veins of Patsy.

Patsy's a curious little character and one who's well played by Nicola Cowper even if the role don't really call for too much in terms of mood. She's, not surprisingly, quite a maudlin little madam and most of her emotion is displayed by a morose look. We'd kinda like a little more depth to the main character because, as it is, all her hopes and fears seem glossed over.

However, believe it or not, the actual star, in our eyes, isn't actually Patsy. No, sir, it's Eddie aka Terry the chef from Fawlty Towers.

He's an amazingly crafted character with countless layers that we see gradually stripped away over the course of the series. He might start off as a boorish cockney thug, but when he gets teamed up with Kenny we gradually see a different side of him being revealed.

Now, Kenny and Eddie are like chalk and cheese, but it's this combination that begins to unlock the better side of Eddie's character. In between despairing about Kenny's obesity, he takes on a paternal role for the rotund redhead and begins to share insights into the rigours of growing up in his father's shadow.

And it's Kenny who finally opens Eddie's eyes to the quite gruesome truth that he's to blame for all of Patsy's shenanigans. It's a complex piece of drama to be aiming at the kids, but it's pulled off maturely and never sinks into the realms of soppy atonement - it's just your typical geezer with a few issues stored up in his noggin suddenly realising he's just a little bit of history repeating himself. And he won't stand for it, sunshine! Not on his watch!

We was left quivering down our spinally column by Brian Hall's performance and it's a shame he perhaps isn't better known for more than his role in one of the best sitcoms ever. Mind you, it's not a bad show to be defined by, is it?

But how does the series pan out? Well, early on, we began to fear that Eddie and Kenny's pursuit - where they constantly seem to be one Kent town behind Patsy - would become tiresome, but as Eddie's whole id is slowly dissected and reassessed you can't help but be transfixed on the old RGB telly waves.

And then there's the quite ghoulish nightmare sequence in episode 5 which feels like a bad batch of LSD which propels you into the final episode which conjures up bleak themes such as death, suicide and, finally, redemption. Hang on, is this a kids show or something by that Mike Leigh fella?!

Special mention also has to go out to the opening theme which is like an offcut from The Who at their acoustic best.

One thing that seemed kinda disturbing to our 21st century eyes was the willingness with which Patsy clambers onto a boat full of strangers. However, you've gotta remember that this was 1981. And if you've ever read the Daily Mail you'll be well aware that paedophiles didn't exist before the dawn of the internet.

Probably the only flaw with the story is that, whilst Eddie has his road to Damascus moment, we didn't really feel that Patsy came out of the piece any wiser. Rather than realising that she can't just run away from her problems she ends the series heading towards Eddie with a tentative gait. So, yeah, it finishes with a slight whimper where it needed to deliver something a little more philosophical to the kids.

Final Thoughts

We can't fault Break in the Son as it ticks pretty much every box on our comprehensive check list of what makes a classic bit of children's tv.

It's got that bleak edge cutting through it with an almost kitchen sink quality at its fingertips and the character of Eddie is so well realised that it's hard to believe it's children's tv.

And what kid can't engage with themes of alienation and just wanting to run away from all their troubles?

It's a shame that the only copy that seems to be floating about is quite low quality and we can only pray to the gods of retro TV that it gets a proper, cleaned up release one day.

Genre:Childrens
Channel:BBC1
Transmission: 15/02/1990 - 01/04/1993

One of the golden rules of the old comedy game is that YOU CAN'T DO A BLOODY COMEDY SET IN A HOTEL, ALRIGHT?!

And this, dear readers, is due to John Cleese only going and breaking the mould with Fawlty Towers. And, yeah, when you take a ganders at Heartburn Hotel you could be mistaken for thing "Blimey! If John Sullivan can't make it work, what time of devilish magic is required?!".

But, you know what, John Cleese ain't exactly got the whole tourism sitcom genre sewn up as tightly as people reckon.

You see, a hilarious hotel comedy has, in fact, broached our telly waves. And no, it's not Hotel Babylon! It is, of course, the latex fuelled hijinks and shenanigans of Dizzy Heights!

Booking In

Alan Heap and Mick Wall have only gone and found themselves running Dizzy Heights Hotel down by the seaside, haven't they!

And it's not too shabby looking either. Flock wallpaper decorates the lobby and a huge, luxurious curved staircase - flanked by enveloping curtains and pillars - tempts you upstairs toa set of rooms which look pretty cushty and would certainly not dissuade us from staying there with a young lady.

However, look a little closer at the hotel and you'll see that things ain't too poifect, mister! Take them old luxurious, opulent stairs, for example, they've got a couple of mice - Morty and Myrtle - living in them!

And what about the very lifeblood of that there hotel, the guests? Well, with it a being a transient kind of place there's all sorts passing through from opera singers to reporters to a damn duke. They're all charged, of course, with bringing some discordant dynamic to - what we in the trade refer to as - the plot.

But it's not just waifs and strays who wander through the doors to cause havoc and bring the world of tourism crashing down on Mr Heap and Mr Wall. Nah, there's also a bunch of resident guests going under the name of The Gristle's.

A bizarre collection of exaggerated jawlines and cheekbones, The Gristle family are a positively vile (yet bizarrely innocent when their natural grotesqueness is taken into account) bunch of gluttonous latex horrors comprising of Victor, Vera and their relatively upbeat (considering his parents) son, Eustace.

Oh and, we almost forgot, there's them two terrors of taxidermy, Bear and Hog. They're a couple of stuffed heads (of a bear and a hog, obv) who occasionally dispense witticisms on the hoopla taking place.

Together, this bunch of miscreants' hopes, needs and fears are all gonna come head to head in a cataclysm of larks, madness and Corby trouser presses. And not one Spanish waiter in sight.

How to Run a Hotel

Dizzy Heights started its life off as a tiny little seed up in the cogs and wheels of author Jonathan Meres' curious mind. He had plans for a book about life in a hotel, but it never came to fruition. However, fast forward a year or two and writer Robin Kingsland was scribbling himself into a fury with the scripts for the BBC.

The puppets were manhandled and manipulated by the trio of Richard Robinson, William Todd Jones and Marie Phillips. Richard Robinson - also the man beneath The Riddlers and Sebastian the Incredible Drawing Dog - also contributed additional material to the series.

The series had a decent innings and racked up 28 episodes over the course of four series between 1990 - 93 on BBC1. The BBC were so enamoured with the show that they deigned to grant a couple of spin offs for the Gristle family - 1994's The House of Gristle and 1995's The Curious Case of Dr Hertz Van Rental.

A couple of changes occurred during the Dizzy Heights run, mostly concerning the hotel's layout (it's radically different in earlier series') and the theme tune which appears to have lyrics for at least one of the series', but is then an instrumental version for the others.

Sadly, Dizzy Heights hasn't been beamed out of our beloved cathode ray tubes (or LCD pixels to the kids) since 1994. There were no VHS releases and only one episode and a smattering of clips clog up YouTube's bandwidth.

How Was Your Stay?

Tell you what, mate, we loved laying our delicate little peepers on Dizzy Heights when we was all of 4ft and a bit high (probably in the low 5ft's when it finished). We loved so much comedy when we were young, but we perhaps didn't always get all the idiosyncrasies and subtleties of adult shows like Only Fools and Horses and Minder.

That's why we always welcomed a kids comedy where we could laugh out loud and know exactly what we were laughing at.

And Dizzy Heights fulfilled both those needs admirably and with some flair. Quite why we've only just got our backsides in gear to take a look at it is - and this is no exaggeration - like some lost Greek tragedy by one of them statues in the British Museum.

But we're here now and there's an episode on YouTube so let's take a scalpel to the epidermis of Dizzy Heights and perform a retro tv autopsy.

Like any good double act, Heap and Wall have differing personalities to create all sorts of tension for our viewing pleasures. Heap, of course, with his Teddy Boy quiff and John Virgo-esque waistcoats is the more scheming and devious of the two - a bit like Paul Chuckle - whilst Wall, with equally garish taste in shirts and floppy hair is the more doe-eyed of the two, funnily enough, a bit like Barry Chuckle.

And what of the Gristles? Well they was always one of our most favourite bits because, you know, it was like that big, bad Spitting Image, but didn't involve having to sneakily stay up late and watch it through the crack of the door as our Dad laughed at satirical nonsense we didn't understand.

Yeah, them puppets was funny looking and we loved them even though they were a bunch of sorts. And it's only now that we realise what an amazing sense of racial harmony that Dizzy Heights promoted. So what if their skin wasn't made of flesh, the fact that it was latex needed never to be mentioned. What a right load of humanitarians, eh?

We'd forgotten all about Myrtle and Morty, but they're cute little critters and their own little subplots are nicely entwined to the main plot to keep the havoc factor ticking along nicely. They almost get murdered at one point, though, and it's this sort of harsh reality we love to see be hoisted on kids. And it's only attempted murder which ain't never hurt no one. Well, maybe a little, but never to a point where the Grim Reaper gets on his broomstick. Or scythe. Or whatever.

The gags, well they're a little corny. But they're corny in a way which is completely new to kids e.g. Heap ends up literally eating his hat after saying "I'll eat my hat if...". It's a bit cliche to our cynical, world weary eyes, but to a kid it's all "HE IS LITERALLY DOING WHAT HE SAID HE WOULD EVEN THOUGH IT'S COMPLETELY INSANE!".

The performances and way the series is structured, though, is top rate. Heap and Wall have that natural chemistry which drives on all the great double acts and allows for some on the nose dialogue and quick fire banter. All the puppeteers know their onions and it's a delight to see the whole team interacting.

In fact, there's a section in the episode on YouTube - A Star is Bored - where all the characters have this operatic sing off. We couldn't believe quite how fantastic it was and we very soon had a smile on our face stretching from one lughole to the other. It was so well written and performed - all them lot could right proper sing, you know.

And with 3 or 4 plots usually lurking beneath each episode there's barely time for your mind to wander. Instead you're focused on the escalating madness as Dizzy Heights cooks up farce that wouldn't seem out of place in a Torquay hotel.

Talking of which, don't that hotel reception desk and office look suspiciously like the one Basil Fawlty used to hide behind in them 1970s?

GIVE US A DVD!

This show's very special and we're going to fight for a DVD release with more ferocity than TripAdvisor bludgeons us with emails begging us to review hotels we're never gonna stay in.

With four series you would think Dizzy Heights would be well remembered, but we ain't met too many folk who can pluck it from the cavernous recesses of their crazy minds. Compared to something like Maid Marion and Her Merry Men it hasn't entered into the public's hears as a mythical beast of classic childrens TV.

And yeah, it doesn't quite scale the - wait for it - DIZZY HEIGHTS of Maid Marion, but it's damn close and deserves a little more recognition being bestowed upon it.

Anyway, until the day that hell freezes over and a DVD of Dizzy Heights comes out, we'd recommend you get your keisters over to YouTube pronto to catch a glimpse of this farcical gem.

Genre:Childrens
Channel:BBC1
Transmission: 13/09/1990 - 13/12/1990

Weather, bloody hell! Now there's a meteorological phenomena that didn't half have a bearing on our childhoods!

If it was raining then we were pretty limited in the scrapes we could get into because, God forbid, we might come home with muddy shoes. At the other end of the weathery spectrum, of course, was the sun and when it decided to beat its rays down upon us then the world became our oyster. And then there was snow which meant all bets were off as we absolutely lost our mind amongst the masses of crystallised water.

Yeah, so weather was important to kids and it's no surprise that the BBC tapped into this climatical awe with The Brollys.

What's the Forecast?

Harry's a curious little chap because, you see, where most young boys have bedspreads emblazoned with manifestations of macho goodness - e.g. Jurassic Park, GI Joe, Brave Starr - old Harry has plumped for one that contains various weather icons. And he ain't got posters of footballers on his wall either, no, he's got a weather house.

As is usual with these hygrometric pieces of folk art, housed within it are Mr and Mrs Brolly. Now, if Mr Brolly deigns to make an appearance then you oughta grab your brolly sharpish as rain's on the way. However, if Mrs Brolly pokes her noggin out then it's sunshine all the way, baby!

But Harry, being rather meteorologically obsessed, peers so closely at that weather house that he somehow becomes magically entwined with it and finds himself transported deep into Mr and Mrs Brolly's dwelling.

And here he finds out how the weather is crafted and controlled by the fickle hands of the grandparently Mr and Mrs Brolly. They're the yin and yang of weather really and they conjure up rather opposing views of what's right for the weather even if it does lead to some bloody extremes e.g. flooding, snowdrifts and beguiling fog.

There's also an enigmatic little cloud which, for some unknown reason, has taken up residence in Mrs Brolly's bag. He don't say too much and when he does it's unintelligible jabber, but he's plucky little mixture of aerosols when he stops panicking.

Oh and how can we forget the wildly camp computer that the Brollys expect to have the answer to everything.

Harry, not surprisingly, gets confused by the conflicting changes in climate governed and championed by the Brollys. This always leads to him getting swept up in some type of quest which takes place in the Brolly's garden - or sometimes further afield - where he bravely tackles the challenges that each weather system subjects him to.

And all the time he just prays to God that the rather sinister Jack Frost ain't gonna appear and turn him into a popsicle.

Mastering the Weather

The Brollys was a 13 episode series which first aired between September - December 1990 on BBC1 under the CBBC umbrella. Episodes were 15 minutes long and aired on Thursdays at 3.50pm.

The series was produced and directed by Trevor Bond (of Trevor Bond Associates) and labelled as a 'Weatherhouse Production'.

David Shaw Parker, whose vocal and acting talents have featured in The Bill and The Muppets, provided the narration and all the vocals for The Brollys. Getting all handy with their pallets were Victoria Bond, Noah Rose and Jacqui Millar whilst the animation was taken on by Thomas Barker.

The theme tune and music throughout The Brollys was provided by John Kelham.

A few real life weather sequences were featured throughout the series and came courtesy of Oxford Scientific Films.

After the initial series aired, the series was repeated fairly regularly on BBC2 in a lunchtime slot before repeating in the afternoon CBBC slot in 1993. After this The Brollys became somewhat of a mainstay of the BBC2 lunchtime schedules all the way up to September 1998 when it received its final airing.

The Brollys even managed to find an international audience and has aired in at least the USA and Brazil.

11 of the 13 episodes are up on YouTube.

As We Head through the Afternoon...

We was mucking about on YouTube looking for some no doubt hilarious sporting injury videos when we saw that YouTube was sticking their oar into our life and recommending we watch something called The Brollys.

It looked a rather charming little show, so we said sayonara to videos of wrestlers legs snapping off and took a punt on The Brollys.

We'd never heard of The Brollys, but as it began, something, somewhere deep in our memory banks, began to faintly throb with recognition. Mr Brolly was activating neurons in our brain cavity, but we couldn't pin it to any definitive memory proof. And we trade in proof on these damn pages!

What stood out, head and shoulders above anything else, was the ethereal beauty of The Brollys. The illustrations are jolly little creations and the Brollys themselves are like a couple of eccentric Grandparents with a pocketful of magic up their sleeve.

And then there's that dreamlike incidental music which appears to be permanently ingrained into the background and threatens to swoop you off to dreamland at any minute. Oh and the moment where the kids chorus kicks into the theme tune is like hearing The Beatles for the first time.

In fact, it's beauty was confirmed directly after the first episode by Andi Peters who exclaimed - and we're paraphrasing here - that "BLIMEY THAT WERE A RIGHT LOAD OF BEAUTY RIGHT THERE ON YOUR GOGGLEBOX AND THAT AIN'T NO MISTAKE!". That Peters, eh, such a lad!

What's really interesting about the show is the way in which they relate certain weather phenomena to all the terrors just awaiting to kick the human psyche out of balance. For example, snowy drifts induce feelings of isolation within Harry, bewildering mental stress and confusion rains (HA!) down on Harry during a foggy episode and sunshine fills him with joie de vivre.

Harry, himself, seems a bit of a confused character, but you have to feel sorry for the poor blighter as Mr and Mrs Brolly are constantly filling his head with contradictory views on the weather. As a result we wouldn't be surprised to discover that Harry struggled through puberty at the mere sight of rainclouds.

And the Brollys have this irritating habit of ignoring poor Harry when he's pleading for information or help. Mr Brolly is too concerned with playing God and trying to kick start some sort of apocalyptic Noah's ark scenario, while Mrs Brolly constantly buries her head in some patchwork quilt she can never finish in order to escape the consequences of her actions.

It seems like a bit of the waste of these fantastically created characters and probably contributes to some of the weaker storytelling aspects. We found our attention wandering at times during the episodes and, no matter how charming they were, we couldn't fully engage as a result.

The episodes featuring the creep Jack Frost, though, are pretty special and are shot through with a layer of darkness as this malevolent sprite threatens to more or less kill everyone and everything in his path. Yeah, as it goes, he's quite the brute.

And is there any factual weather nonsense in there? Well, no, not really as it's a children's tv show and not the bloody Open University. Kids ain't too concerned about cold fronts and high pressure, they just want the basics, man! So we're not gonna hold this against The Brollys.

Take your Brollys

It's a right beautiful affair The Brollys is and we could be sent to sleep every night by the mercurial music on offer. However, despite a long run on TV it falls just short of being a stone cold classic.

A little more excitement to the stories could have lifted it to greater things, but as it is we'll class it as a good old fashioned, charming kids show which is well worth a watch when you're stuck inside on a rainy day.

The world's a beautiful old place, but it's missing something and that something is comprised of about a million and ten rare retro tv shows we wanna lay our peepers on.

You see, when we started this blog we spent most of our time trudging through the streets bemoaning the lack of availability of those rare old TV shows we craved so badly. Sure, we could head to YouTube to get a quick fix of retro TV shows, but what happened if YouTube provided no search results?

And we're probably not the only sorts to have found themselves so detached from their life's passion, so, being the charitable, generous organisation that we are, we're going to point you in the right directions for getting hold of those rare TV shows.

Start a Blog about Retro TV

Yes, we wholeheartedly endorse the activity of starting a blog about retro TV. It's provided us with a particularly indulgent outlet where we can grip those curious gems of British television and hold them up to the light for some right intense scrutinisation.

But not only does it keep us busy in that respect, it also marks us out as an UTTER FAN of retro TV. And people recognise that, they see us as a trustworthy beacon in amongst the obscene salaciousness of the whole retro TV world where lives are lost and reputations sullied on an almost daily basis.

So, if we've written about a particular show, it's not uncommon for people to get in touch with even more information to add to our swelling dossier on RGB tellywaves. Once in a while it's even culminated in us being sent copies of rare TV shows which are impossible to get hold of out in the ether.

AND WE'RE INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL TO YOU KIND OLD SOULS!

Contact ITV (But Pay a Bomb)

ITV have got the right idea when it comes to their back catalogue. They'll quite happily do copies of shows from their archive as long as there's no legal wranglings involved. And they're the only channel who'll do this. The BBC will provide copies of shows, but only if you can prove you were involved with said shows.

And we've never been involved with a single BBC show, although we hold out hope that one day the call will come in for us to pitch up in Albert Square as some roguish TV historian, so that route's knackered for us and most of you lot too.

So, yeah, ITV is an option if there's some rare Granada show you want to get hold of, but...

IT'S NOT CHEAP, DEARS!

For example, we recently contacted ITV to see how much it would cost for episodes of Jackson Pace: The Great Years. ITV came back to us after a couple of weeks (it was a busy time apparently) and said they could undoubtedly satisfy our desire, but it was going to be £75 for an episode or £120 for two.

Now, we were certainly tempted and it's not an earth shattering outlay in certain contexts, but for a TV show we can't justify it. Not until our finances take a dramatic upward turn anyway.

If you've searched the known kingdom, though, and you're willing to kill a man to get your mitts on a copy of an ITV show, though, it remains a viable option.

Check out Rare TV DVD Sites

The simplest way to get started in searching for some right dusty old TV shows is by heading to Google and typing in "Rare TV on DVD" to bring up a veritable bounty of extraordinary and unusual shows to tickle your tv tastebuds.

We've certainly spent plenty of our hard earned pennies on these sites and they're not unreasonably priced. We'd say, for example, that for a 6 part comedy series you should be looking to pay between £5 - £10. When you think about the cost of blank DVDs, the relative ease in copying and postage rates it seems a fair price.

There are, unfortunately, as with all industries, certain individuals out there who want to fund some type of luxury lifestyle through these obscure shows by charging obscene amounts. But you'll soon work out who's a diamond and who's a shyster.

And if the show you want isn't listed then try emailing the owner of that site direct. They often have certain shows (usually incredibly rare ones) kept 'under the counter' that they're willing to sell or trade if you send a nice email.

Get Yourself down the BFI Archive Sharpish

If there's one factor that's proved invaluable for us in terms of analysing the rarities of British TV then it's the absolutely sterling services offered by the BFI Archive.

Located in West London, just off Tottenham Court Road is the BFI Archive which offers crucial screening services for the curious amongst us. They won't hold anything like missing Doctor Who episodes, but they do have access to a humungous range of videos, DVDs and filmreels for you to pore over. And all for a relatively small price.

All you have to do is head to their collections catalogue to see if they hold the materials you're after and then contact their team to book in.

Searching their catalogue can be quite a frustrating affair as it don't like spelling mistakes and don't give no context to any words which are out of place. However, if something ain't coming up in their catalogue then just try contacting their team to bellow "HAVE YOU GOT IT?!".

Hopefully, with these resources at your disposal, you should be able to find that rare TV show you've been pulling your hair out over. If you need a helping hand then just give us a tinkle and we'll see how we can help.

Genre:Comedy
Channel:Channel 4
Transmission: 1984 - 1986

Sometimes secrets are necessary in order to protect the fragile feelings of some wretched soul who can't cope with the stresses of truth. And, frankly, yes, if you find out some god awful secret about us we'd rather you keep it under your hat or we'll tumble in to a lachrymose state pronto. Delicate flowers we are.

But sometimes, you know, secrets are there to act as a front for more Machiavellian pursuits such as overthrowing the namby pamby lefty framework of dear old Blighty, so keep schtum or the whole plan'll come tumbling down upon us.

And that's exactly what Harry Kitchener Wellington Truscott had planned in Fairly Secret Army.

LEFT, RIGHT! LEFT, RIGHT!

That clipped speech yakking and incredibly British Harry Truscott (Geoffrey Palmer) ain't half fallen on hard times. Out of the army, out of money and certainly a few bob short in the old romance stakes, he's at his wits end. But don't worry, charging over the horizon is his saviour - suicide!

It don't exactly go to plan, though, after he's talked out of it first by the bobbed hair beauty Nancy (Diane Fletcher) and then his old army 'friend' Beamish (Jeremy Child). And it turns out Nancy and Beamish are siblings. And Harry has a bit of a thing for Nancy. And Beamish caused the breakup of Harry's first marriage.

It's all kicking off, but blimey we ain't even started yet!

Harry and Beamish manage to temporarily put their problems aside as they both share a common enemy who are dragging the Great in Great Britain through the mud and, no doubt, a hedge backwards. Yes, it's them bleeding lefties who are making Britain softer than cream cheese.

Now, Beamish has been left a considerable sum of money and just happens to have a rather large house, so... THEY FORM A RIGHT WING ARMY! It's secret though, obv, as these are treacherous times and you can't trust anyone not to give the game away. And it's all done under the front of a health food store. Pass the mung beans, please, for we're getting right peckish!

The recruiting process proves to be shambolic with people forever joining and then leaving or being booted out due to Harry's eccentric antics and demands. Eventually, though, a small band of soldiers is formed and they're able to march about a bit and carry out disastrous drills.

That's pretty much it for the first series, but by the second series the army finally have their first assignment. On the orders of the rather shady government figure Smith (John Nettleton), Truscott's army are instructed to infiltrate a dangerous Marxist cell headed by The Cobra (Michael J. Jackson).

Appetite whetted? No? Oh, well maybe try reading it again.

Battle Plans

Fairly Secret Army was a Channel 4 show which consisted of 13 episodes and was beamed out between 1984 - 1986 in the form of two televisual series'.

Now we ain't gonna pull the wool over your eyes by wildly announcing that Fairly Secret Army is a Reginald Perrin spinoff. However, it more or less is. You see, the character of Jimmy in Reginald Perrin is an ex-army man and has plans to form himself a right wing army. And he's played by Geoffrey Palmer.

But writer David Nobbs weren't gonna stand for none of that spin off nonsense. The public loved old Reggie Perrin and would have spent most of the series wondering when he was gonna turn up. Nobbsy felt this would be a bit distracting, so changed Jimmy to Harry Truscott. No doubt the BBC would have had a few copyright issues too. Saying that, some dialogue from Reginald Perrin does crossover such as Jimmy's 'forces of anarchy' rant.

Now, David Nobbs wrote the whole thing, but there was another comedy star involved on script duties (for the first series) in the form of John Cleese. You might be thinking what in Sam Hill is Cleese doing getting involved in this, but it's all down to who produced the series - Video Arts. They're a production company who mostly make training videos. And they're owned by the Cleester.

Cleese's role is uncredited and we've heard a rather scurrilous rumour that he thought the scripts were so good he didn't have to make any changes. You'll need to hit Cleese up on the dog and bone for confirmation on that though.

Roy Ward Baker - who once won a Golden Globe - directed Fairly Secret Army and was certainly no stranger to the small screen having directed episodes of Randall and Hopkirk, The Saint and The Avengers. And who was it leading the brass band so ingrained into the show's music? Why if it wasn't that little known composer Michael "I'M WORLD FAMOUS' Nyman, so it's a nice coup of supporting crew.

The series was filmed on 16mm to give it a filmic sheen, but the second series does include some VT. This comes in the form of a quick recap section at the start of each episode helmed by Harry. And he's been superimposed against a notice board. The horror!

Fairly Secret Army failed to wow the critics and the public - despite getting a longer second series - and has never been released or repeated. However, some Nostradamus like genius predicted our blog and decided to record the whole thing for posterity; Oh what a treasure you is, mate! It's floating about on pirate DVDs, but is also up on YouTube for your viewing ease

In the Barracks

We were at a loose end for something to watch, so we headed over to YouTube and typed in "Channel 4 1984" and up sprung Fairly Secret Army. It was obviously a sign from the retro telly gods, so we decided to expose our retina to these curious looking tellywaves.

What is it though? Sitcom? Comedy drama? It's difficult to say. There's no laughter track, but frankly that would have been a little jarring as Fairly Secret Army doesn't follow the 'feedline - gag' structure so beloved of sitcoms.

In fact, there's not many laughs in general. We barely tittered over the entire 13 episodes. That's not to say it's not amusing as there's a rich vein of whimsy running through the whole thing. The dialogue, too, is wonderfully playful with some strong mechanics behind it to highlight the farce. But your sides aren't going to hurt, so we'd say it's some kind of comedy drama custom built by David Nobbs in a petri dish.

That settled, how's the drama? Uh... well.. the best thing we can say about the first series is that bumbles along amiably. It starts off great with Harry reminiscing about his life and hinting at being institutionalised, but after this it descends into a rather repetitive parade of people joining the army and then either walking out or being forced out by Harry's eccentricities.

The second series, though, does have a bit more purpose with a clearer goal on offer. But, you know, even this becomes repetitive over the course of 7 episodes. Harry's character, of course, is forensically explored throughout, but we were crying out for a bit more jeopardy. The final episode finally pulls some action out of the hat - although curiously it's all over by the midway point - and hints at a possible third series (which never came).

We were a little disturbed by the way the whole far right theme is handled. You see, it doesn't really get its comeuppance and, by the end, Harry seems to be heading for great things. Sure, he's portrayed as a bumbling leader with a rag tag army, but the morals behind is raison d'etre are never really shot down. What with UKIP running round with their pants down these days it felt like a rather sinister foreshadowing of what's bubbling away today.

One other problem is the amount of characters in the whole damned affair. We loved Peg Leg Pogson (Paul Chapman), Beamish (Jeremy Child), Stubby Collins (Ray Winstone) and Throttle (Michael Robbins), but they're lost amongst the multitude of characters and barely get time to breathe. The only characters that are afforded some depth are Harry and Nancy.

It's a real tragedy that Ray Winstone wasn't involved in the second series as he's one of the strongest supporting characters. He brings some real bite to Stubby Collins and proved a fascinating handful for Harry to deal with. Sadly, his sidekick Rob Boat (Richard Ridings) is too much of a caricature and proves weak viewing on his own in the second series.

The acting, though, is the series' saving grace and Geoffrey Palmer puts in an assured tour de force (what else would you expect?!) and wrings every ounce out of Harry Truscott's psyche. It's a spellbinding watch and you genuinely do begin to empathise with Harry's plight throughout no matter how malodorous his intentions are.

Dishonourable Discharge?

We wouldn't watch Fairly Secret Alarm as there's not enough pay off in the chuckle count or the engagement stakes. We do our best to avoid hard slogs and we do fear this is what a repeat viewing would feel like.

However, it's a unique show which teams up some great stars of British entertainment, so it's definitely one to stick on your 'British Shows to Watch Before You're Brown Bread' list.

Feet First

The Reasons Why We Love Retro British TV

Old Boy Network

10 Most Disturbing Children's TV Shows. Ever.

Asylum

Jackson Pace: The Great Years

The Moon Over Soho

20 Things to Do Before You're 30

Britpop Now

Dodgem

Fancy a Retro TV Marathon?

Fred Basset

Dennis the Menace and Gnasher Show

Re:Brand

4 Classic Doctor Who Characters Who Deserved a Spinoff

Break in the Sun

Dizzy Heights

The Brollys

How to Get Hold of Rare Retro TV Shows

Fairly Secret Army